It is Sunday mid day and I am back to laying in bed. I am so very exhausted and have been learning that I can no longer keep pushing at myself. If I need rest then I shall have it. Ok, Mr. Jones has a voice in helping me here, let us be honest.
As I lay curled up, I try to read a magazine and to think, but my mind is full and says no thank you. I was prepared for the week yesterday and am grateful to not have chores to do. So the question is what do I do? Nothing is what comes to my mind.
I journaled my feelings early and have some questions I need help with. I took out my pen to paper as coach would say and wrote for my twenty minutes on all the questions and help I seek; then reflected while I listened to Kiss in the background. Yup, odd choice of music to reflect to but it works for me as I lay here in my Pat Benatar t-shirt.
I reflect on how many times I keep stumbling on the carpet, having my down days and then finding something to be grateful for and picking myself up and moving to the next day. This is quite the roller coaster of bruises and wounds. Each one feeling as if I am ripping the band-aid off for the first time. The pain is still there but I seem to continue adapting how I look at it.
I see this as such growth. Kind of like watching the growth of a flower from a seed. Maybe right now I am sprouted and growing tall in my pot but need more space to take off to really build a strong stalk and be rooted firmly in place.
I question and wonder what miraculous event or feeling will transpire. Will I one day wake up and be like today’s the day? Or is all this, (Spook is being my Vanna here) the progression, the reflection, of what the event is? The emotions I feel or the beauty I see, is this the destiny, the journey? I may put more thought here when I feel up to it.
Last night was one of odd dreams, but luckily no nightmares. I believe our dreams always share lessons and such insight to us. Due to the nature of it I am thinking deeply about it as long as my brain chooses (my brain says or not). My thoughts take me to somewhere else and I am thinking about how I reassure others I am doing ok. I’m just growing and a little busy taking the “me” time, the nurturing time I need while I do it.
It is taking some time to bloom, (especially when there is snow) but as I have been feeling the sun on my face and squinting my eyes, I know the heat and the growing season are coming. Please be patient while we work on the flowers environment and until the greenhouse opens and the blooms are ready.
“The flower doesn’t dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes. ” Mark Nepo
P.S Miss Tubbins (the cat) is sitting beside me interjecting her comments as I write. I so far have heard a lot of rawwwr, meeep, eeerra, and a few meows. I hope you speak cat. Please do not judge me on the mis-spelling of her words, it such a hard language to learn.