Masquerade. Starring Me.

I was talking with a team member today trying to assist by listening to her situation in regards to how she suffers from anxiety. She described the freezing, the feeling in the stomach and many other symptoms. I said I understand; I suffer from anxiety. She thinks it is once in a while and nothing big.  She has no idea what is going on in my head and I do not share.

At one point she says to me you really have it together and I envy you. I just laughed and said you think I have it together, why? You seem composed, nothing bugs you, you deal with stressful situations and make it look easy. Wow! Please feel free to nominate me for my Oscar. I take a bow.

She thinks I look together? Maybe I should play poker.  I sometimes feel that I am walking into a store and everyone turns and looks at me. I always look down. Did I put my pants on for crime fighting? Yup I am good there, thank gosh, no breeze blowing.

I am sure that everyone can see the flashing neon sign above my head and instead of saying “Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse”, it flashes every emotion or trouble I have. I feel as if people have some super human ability to look at me and say yup she is dealing with depression. Yup PTSD on that one. Checkout her flashing sign, she has a bulb out. LOL I think I have more than one.

I had to say to her. Do you think I have problems? “Well?”

Just because someone looks together doesn’t mean they are. We have no idea if I or someone else is going through some rough times, illness or tragedy. She looked at me kind of funny and said I guess not and her spirit lifted. I spent quite a while listening and just providing some resources to her. Let’s hope they give her strength and she reaches out to them.

She wears her emotions on the outside there is no mask there. Her emotions are open and raw and I envy that. Maybe it is her who has it together and not me?

So tonight I bid you goodnight, I need to polish tomorrow’s mask, too bad I couldn’t wear a pretty costume swan mask from Amadeus for the changes in my life.

Oh well. Instead I will settle for laying my pants out just in case.

“She had blue skin, and so did he. He kept it hid and so did she. They searched for blue their whole life through, then passed right by and never knew.” Shel Silverstein

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