Missing Puzzle Pieces

I swam as hard as I could, I tried so desperately to reach her and I tried to save her, I didn’t and today I feel heartbroken and I hurt inside. It was a long night of nightmares and when I get up I have this feeling, like my brain is just not quite right. It didn’t reset after the nightmare and I head to work tired and feeling already deflated and emotional for the day.

I remain brave, focus on the tasks, answer questions to the best of my ability and get through the day. I feel off; my body unstructured and this underlying feeling of unpleasantness in the pit of my stomach. I am more vocal to everyone now and I have opened up more than before, I am grateful for that. I will focus on it for the day; this will get me through.

I am still missing a few pieces of my puzzle in my head. I think they may be lost for good or swept under a carpet and that makes me so sad, and I cry. I know at one time I was so happy but these days when the feelings take over I am stumped, I cannot seem to turn it around, I just need to sleep and pray tonight I am exhausted and crash hard.

I aim to focus on the good, how I can help people, yet I am still saying in this small little voice deep inside me I need more help, maybe I am not as strong as I think. These are the days a hug makes me bawl, a compliment brings a tear to my eyes. My heart is on my sleeve and I do not want to see it crushed, please be gentle with me. I know great days will be here again, one day.

As I try to pull each piece from the box and build the vision I see in my head I am thinking, just maybe that I haven’t learned the lessons they bring. Maybe they are the beautiful outcome and special moments that have not occurred and are my future. I hope so. I will believe they are and that gives me a lighter feeling in my chest. I am a mosaic. I love that idea, I am a work of art in process; I am a woman in process.

“She never seemed shattered; to me she was a breathtaking mosaic of the battles she’s won.” Unknown

 

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