Monthly Archives: February 2016

Views From the Looking Glass

My body is shaking and jiggling and my neck is moving similar to a chicken; yes, I am dancing; my Elaine from Seinfeld moves are in full form. My voice outstanding, sounding as if Rod Stewart is singing. I think I sound more like him everyday. (Spook says it is definitely in the morning.)

The raspiness at times takes over and I think I should really act. Then I look down at my body, and laugh. I am a real eating, life enjoying woman. I have this conversation today with my hairdresser on the weirdest compliments we have received.

At the top of the list we were both complimented for our child bearing hips by guys. Ummmm. I was not sure what to say when it happened and she was the same and thinking was that a compliment?

We discussed woman in general, shapes, sizes the quirky things we do. She says to me you know it doesn’t matter what size I am; my boobs are always this size; no change, I laughed hysterically and told her of being asked once if I was Dolly Parton’s sister.

I can thank my Russian ancestors for the rack and not having to silicone it up, she is a Uke so same thing for her. Maybe that is why we get along so well, she is half my age, but her spunkiness and frankness reminds me of someone. I wonder who it could be? Oh yes, ME!

I ask questions of someone her age no problem, and usually we are in hysterics the whole time I am there. She makes my day brighter or maybe she just brings it out and the rest of the people stare at us like we are crazy. Why yes, I am, thank you.

She triggers my thoughts, I am getting ready for an adventure and I cannot seem to let it go. As woman, with the help of our self critic we demolish ourselves verbally, physical appearance bashing and do not seem to truly live up to who we are due to our self induced fear mongering. We are more than the vision in the mirror.

This discussion briefly came up last night as well, we are all so judgemental of each other and ourselves; we need to let that go.

When I looked in the mirror today, a tad hung over, I immediately start to think, whoa! Look at those bags, the grey in your hair, and what is up with that? Then I stop myself; pay attention, those things you think you see are not what you are.
Many years ago I recall a friend of my one sister’s saying I was the homeliest kid he had ever seen. It hurt, it stayed with me, it added to the way I saw myself as a teenager. Even to buy clothes from stores then, you had to be a specific size or they had nothing.

My ex said once I never realized your size when you were bundled up in your gear. (These are two of many, many examples, we all have a suitcase full of them.) I wasn’t good enough again, and some where along the line I realized I was more, so much more. Guess that is why Mr. Jones and I have been together for twenty years; he saw something more.

I do have grey hair, and bags under my eyes from having a good time, I run, and my parts still jiggle, my C-section scar will never go away, I have hips, big boobs and I am real; one hundred percent me.

Today I challenge all of you to love everything you are; the flaws the beauty, the things you dislike about yourself, because just maybe they are a quality that are admired by many and you had no idea; you only saw the flaw.

Here is to sending the suitcase to those people and saying you have no longer a hold on me. I am more than the view from the looking glass.

“Beauty starts in your head. Not in your mirror.” Joubert Botha

Love always from the scarred, raspy, chicken dancing, hungover Woman in Process.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking For…

Time ran away this week and in some ways I wish I could fling my stick with my personal items over my shoulder; to live simply, and head to the trees. They seem to understand me and need very little from me; well maybe not everything will fit in that sack. (Spook says be honest you probably would carry your Kate bag anyway. I prefer the pieces I love, she is correct on that one, but with a matching scarf.)

By the end of the day you have decided it is enough and anything else that gets in your pathway will result in pulling someone into a cage match; your tag team is ready. As I told someone recently if they continue their arguments, then I am putting laundry baskets on their heads to make it a challenging and interesting cage match. (Photos would be provided,I would have to share and I am laughing already.)

Your cave woman style is ready, armed and dangerous you are saying just one more thing, and that is it. You may run to the corner to rock back and forth and try to ponder your next move or crash and burn the whole scene. (Just picture the King Kong scene here, I think it is fitting.)

I chalk this up too little to no meditation this week; very limited physically with no running. I need an out; a release to balance, a healthy one, I need nature, peace; I’m looking for myself again, have you seen her?

Continuation of this you will find my face on a wanted poster after the wrath.(Apparently I need a wax job in the recent photo, and my hair gets cut today. We will complete a retake later once I look better.)

“You go on by doing the best you can. You go on by being generous. You go on by being true. You go on by offering comfort to others who can’t go on. You go on by allowing the unbearable days to pass and by allowing the pleasure in other days. You go on by finding a channel for your love and another for your rage.” Cheryl Stayed

Thank goodness for sleep, I woke up (always a blessing) and am very grateful to be feeling better. I will start the day off with my positive panties on and leave the destructive weapons at home.

I have some adventures planned for me and my Paddington Bear hat that may or may not involve some friends, a cocktail, some laughs and you never know with us, spray paint or duct tape are always a few of the options.

The tribe I would say are like me; so much in common and yet so uniquely different. The laughter that will fill that room already warms my heart knowing it will happen and the shit-storm of the group; they may have their posters beside mine by the end of the night. I am so looking forward to it!

We are all looking for the groups in our lives and the dynamic change they provide whether we are a work group, friends together, or families. The continuous search for them, the involvement of the relationships and the desire to be authentic with them, the ultimate goal; being able to show your true tiger stripes and heart. Roar!

My tribe has spoken for the evening. I suggest you lock your doors, do not answer any calls from us, that way you do not have to deal with us trying to get bail money from you. (Sis you still need to answer your phone pleeeassssssse.)

What is more dangerous in this world? A group of 40 and 50-year-old aged woman who are all finding themselves and bonding; this is true beauty.

Here is to self mastery and finding myself again in the adventures today, (dressed in my style), to the memories and always to a room of laughter. I wonder what lessons I will learn? Or have I been learning them as I go?

“I say, dress to please yourself. Listen to your inner muse an take a chance. Wear something that says ‘Here I am!’ Today.” Iris Apfel

Love always the cage match, duct taping, tiger striped, Woman in Process

 

 

KDP Nights

My days normally begin and end with me deejaying my evening of music or singing in the shower in the morning (usually Hotel California and it goes from there); but most times more with a heavy compilation of old heavy metal. It has been a struggle lately to write, as I cannot seem to put my thoughts together.

I was thinking of where life is taking me lately. What are the lessons I am learning? Why has the MS kicked me in the gut again, fairly hard? I was talking to a friend last night and asked was the post too much? She commented it’s raw and real; it is many of our lives.

As usual my mind is continuously working, analyzing and trying to figure me out. No manual was included apparently, and I didn’t find one on Ebay. I ponder all the things I do to deal with the ups and downs, as I am spinning down the rabbit hole.

“I’m not crazy. My reality is just different than yours.” Lewis Carrol

It keeps coming back to one thing; I aim to laugh and I laugh hard. Years ago Mr. Jones would go to the fridge and find my socks in it and go to the cupboard and find his milk.

I couldn’t remember where things went, (I still find items and say oh there it is. I have been looking for a few items for a long time!) I would turn the sink on and I forgot about it till I was walking in the water and was wondering what was going on, who turned that on? (Thank goodness that one wasn’t too often.)

My memory has failed many times and has had its wires crossed; short circuiting when I am not myself. The times that those things were happening I would of course cry; I may be embarrassed and frustrated by the fact that I had no control, defeated; then my sarcasm would come out, on how silly I was and opted to learn to crack jokes to make myself feel better.

Through the years, I learned that if I breathed and realized the world was not going to end because I misplaced something it made it better and I began to be able to laugh quicker at myself and more often. I just shake my head at the list of crazy things I have done and now, I have some very funny stories I share. (I prefer only the funny ones.)

I found that in the beginning years of diagnosis was more challenging. It could be from it taking over so fast in my body, but as I grew older, I still have the same issues, but not all at the same time; either that or you become more adapted to it, adjusted to what I do to help myself; seasoned.

“I came. I saw. I made it awkward.” This should be my motto.

The house is labelled (I am a label geek and have a large labeller, it is so awesome) and all items go to the same area; this way I automatically go to the same spot like I trained myself, this has helped substantially.

I even had labels on all the items in the house when I was practising my Russian, Mr. Jones was like what is with all these labels? I’m studying.

My closet is colour coded and organized, so I can easily find my items. My shoes all boxed in window boxes with their names showing; hello my Lola’s. Some days when I find an item I forgot I had, it is like Christmas! I wear it constantly. (It is washed in between.)

Comic books (Archie and cartoon books) are in abundance in the house for the days when I really cannot think but want something to do and if need be, I can look at the pictures and know the story. (I love the comic store!!! I am such a geek, I may have a collection of some, just saying.)

Numerous colouring books are always a welcomed task and who can resist the smelly markers? I spend more time smelling them and apparently there are now new flavours. I mentioned it to Mr. Jones that I need to get me some of those. He just laughs and shakes his head.

I relish in watching a movie; having popcorn or reading, even if maybe I have read or seen it twenty times. I pretend it is always the first (in my head, it is) and just be excited for the opening credits. It reminds me of waiting for a movie to make it to television on the two channels we had. Sometimes that is the magic; warm the blanket in the dryer and snuggle in for a good belly laughing movie. (Pink Panther ones are a highlight for me & Spook’s are Halloween Town, anything witchy for her.)

I must share an ultimate favourite, the KDP nights we enjoy; an evening of visiting, laughing and dancing in the kitchen while we cooked; the Kitchen Dance Party. With Little Miss gone, they are not as often, but always take place when she is home and sometimes on Facetime.

Some days I just sit in the window and look out, doing nothing; I am okay with that as really I am doing more than I think as I am allowing myself to be; just be me, maybe I am just like Alice, a wildflower.

The days lately have been fairly packed and challenging at the same time and I am looking forward to a little down time to regroup. I want to sit with my cat in the window, listen to my music, absorb the sun, and just be grateful for those moments and all the memories.

Today I leave you with a bit of my crazy, I am constantly coming up with odd and quirky challenges at work, to reward for sometimes some very dull tasks. I treat it as a game show, should they complete their task. Let’s say its a small cute prize, duct tape is involved, a funny photo and an adventure. Let your imagination go wild!

“Alice: How long is forever? White Rabbit: Sometimes, just one second.” Lewis Carrol

Love always from the comic collecting, wildflower, KDP dancer, Woman in Process

 

Rollercoaster-ing My Life

You slowly build speed, moving up to the top before you plunge to the bottom and shoot back into the air. The roller coaster is built for speed, excitement and thrill. My world feels the same as the coaster, only catch I dislike them so, they scare the pants off me, I prefer the thrill of finding there is more money in my account than I thought.

The world of someone dealing with MS is the same. Unknown situations, changing all the time, the same way a Six Flag coaster is working to scare you so does MS. (I am strong, keep saying it.)

It takes over; mind of it’s own. Today it is one issue, tomorrow a completely different one. So here are my tidbits on it. (Just about 16 years, I learned a few things.)

Last Friday I didn’t stand or walk, body stops functioning, inside and out. When someone says a person passed from MS, it is that their organs failed because they shut down, and failure comes from complications associated to MS.

It is not one item that can get you, it could be multiple combinations, the body stops functioning as a whole. Just like clicking a light switch on and it doesn’t work; this is what living with MS is like. You are thinking come on turn on!

It was the end of the day; still on my cane, as the spasming in the abs continue (picture a six pack that I wish I had) and the back becomes daunting, but I can feel other issues taking place daily. There is not enough movement, not enough to keep my appetite well, my bowels functioning (most people don’t want to talk of this stuff but let’s be realistic its important) the stomach and intestines hurt, the body feels sick.

I have said I am exceptionally stubborn, I think it is more of a will to live, that is the feelings. Once home I slide down the stairs, (relive your childhood days), and go down the stairs on your butt if need be.

(Don’t think about going up yet) I keep a clean hamper of workout wear in the basement with the gym, this way it is easy access. I also use a band around my mid area, this ensure everything stays in the right spot and assists with the spasming. Shoes on, hooked to the treadmill I hang on and turn the machine one.

Quasimodo is still how I look, head is down, but I work at just getting one foot in front of the other. My body needs movement and then some stretching. I am blessed to have all kinds of equipment in the basement and it was so I didn’t have to try and go somewhere after work as I am normally too tired.

Monitoring watch is on to watch my heart (yes, I have issues there too) the first few steps as I am hanging on I am thinking, crap I am going to fall off. I hold tighter to the bars, and keep going. It is about ten minutes in, my toes are numb and as usual I am crying, yup I can do this, I got this.

Did I try hanging on and do a small run for a few minutes? Of course I did, did I fall? Nope I was good, right leg dragging, heels dropping I try to adjust and keep it moving. I am determined.

Once I completed my time, I slide off the machine, still hunched. Mr. Jones has kept checking on me to make sure I am not laying face first or as one of my most graceful moves you fall over like a cartoon character sideways (it just hurts more than a cartoon). He is Mr. Wonderful.

I have said before that the core is one item I am very thankful I have been building at strengthening. I make a slow move to the reformer I have. Lay down and let my body weight help in stretching me. I work at just holding poses, no big movements, I cannot do any more today.

Nothing major and then roll off; crawl up the stairs, (like I was a toddler) and I may be moving like an old woman but I did it; that is the main thing. I am fist pumping the air, (ok more of directly in front of me.)

Keep the body moving even if it is small. I hit the hot shower and try to stretch some in it (unique yoga poses); Mr. Jones has made dinner and I am now working on the swallowing (ok choking my food, as my throat goes too) following with the wine for the medicinal purpose of the pains (good excuse and it helps), but it is better than what I have been feeling like.

My roller coaster of the MS and the PTSD is feeling like I am heading back up, maybe the rush of that first loop is over and I am on the other side, I hope.

I know sometimes I have an excuse why I cannot go places or do things, due to the two items taking a beating on my body and mind, (my favourite is my cat is sick) but be patient with me.

Sometimes the physical you see may not be everything, and the tricks my mind creates can challenge me to the brink of thinking I will hit the loop and just keep spinning. (Well that is bad for my vertigo, no Six Flags for me.)

“Today though I shall still be witty, charming and elegant… or maybe I’ll say “um” a lot and trip over things.”

P.S Tonight I sat looking at a word, had no idea how to spell it and spellcheck couldn’t figure me out. Yup I am laughing, my mind says I don’t get it, yet I normally know, at least today I knew my name!

Love always from the tripping, determined, pooping Woman in Process

 

 

Love & Laugh

You know that moment where you are talking to someone and you feel as if they see right through you.

You aim to only show the surface points similar to a Cole’s Cliff notes version of you; only the imperative points will be the presentation.

Nothing more. My brain struggles in the morning, he doesn’t understand why we have to get up right now and would like to settle in for a spring hibernation.

Each day I aim to focus and try and change the mood of him. He is so overbearing at times as he is still not feeling well. Today he can speak his mind to our therapist, and hopefully get help to start to change his perspective.

Sometimes an ill mind of ourselves can be the biggest obstacle. It’s a tug of war inside, which side will win?

Within minutes of getting up I feel overwhelmed and tired knowing I will be duelling inside along with some heavy days. I will close my eyes for a bit with coffee in hand and meditate for release.

I get my body and mind to work, thinking I got this, shaking inside, the anxiety rising, yet my physical movements are improving. Then it begins….

The overwhelming laughter from the crazy stuff my associate and I come up with. It changes everything! My mind starts to improve more, we laugh more and it continues throughout the day; it ended up a giggling, heart laughing and silly day. It was just what I needed.

Nothing is better than that bottom of the stomach laugh that pulls up from the depths of your core. Your whole body shakes and it warms your heart. You feel invigorated, alive and whole again. It refreshed my creativity and opened the window to all it offers.

I am smiling, tasks are completed and I feel accomplished. The day is over and I feel, better; tired but I am healing well.

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.” E.E Cummings

I am missing running this week, as it would assist in the process quicker but you can picture it. Treadmill on, cane in hand and me laughing as I try to increase the speed and telling myself to keep swimming. Maybe a few days of my feet up and wine in my hand will be more of what the doctor ordered.

I wish you an evening of laughter, creativity and smiles from the heart.

“Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, and dreams are forever.” Walt Disney

Love always from the healing, laughing, wine drinking, I got this, Woman in Process

 

 

What a Wonderful World

I am looking rough, beat up and bruised from the massage, able to move; I feel so much better; not as stiff as the cardboard I was before and I have some colour. I am working in my head, of the visions of my future; some tough morning thoughts.

It was a Louis Armstrong kind of morning. I needed some soul and deep voiced music. Amazing the way, he played his trumpet, his music was his piece of art, the way a sculptor looks on to their masterpiece scrutinizing it, so was his expressions of soul. (Spook is currently scatting, not well I tell you.)

I have always love all the old music, especially anything from the pearl wearing years; the 40’s. The clothes, the appreciation for their items, they were definitely not the throw away society that we have become; items were made to last forever.

I believe my mums stove was 46 when it finally went; care and love instilled in it when it was created. Their world was about quality, working hard, and appreciation of new creations and as always there was a vision of their future. I wonder at times what did they wish for?

Would our world today be that vision, their longing? Would they have U-turned around to head back to what they had? It is questions I wonder oh so often.

“The soul often speaks through longing.” Sue Monk Kidd

If today, you could speak with your soul what would it say at this moment? What would you want to do with your life?  What are your real dreams, with no limitations on yourself? Did you give up on them or are they just waiting for the right time to come into your life?

One of my longing dreams is to own an apple orchard. I love the growing season for everything, but groves of trees lined up, wind whistling in the leaves, and these beautiful, delicious and some tart apples would be amazing to share.

Lots of work, but amazing; the details of the process is what intrigues me not to mention all the leaves I could play in. What a wonderful scene for a painting. I wonder should this be my future?

I feel I need to ponder this more as well and of course a walk in the park is the best way to explore my own feelings and longings. Mr. Jones and I start off on the icy path (always helpful my cane has a pick) and I need the fresh air and sunshine. It is cool still and the scene I see is breath taking.

I may be slow but I am determined, each step success and a few stops along the way so I can take a look around and appreciate the beauty. We are a quarter of the way of our destination and I stop, tears flowing down my cheeks, nose snuffling, Kleenex in hand. Mr. Jones asks “Do you need to go back to the vehicle, is it too much?” My answer is no, these are happy tears because I am up and walking again. He smiles.

I bask in the rays of the sunshine and close my eyes while listening to the sounds of the birds chirping from the trees. Listening to each pebble under my hiker and the sound of crunching from underneath every step. “Walk as if you are kissing the earth with your feet.” Thich Nhat Hanh

I say my usual hellos to the fellow trail people and enjoy the love from their canines, I even got a snuggle today. I am now smiling, loving every moment of the day.

We complete the walk and Mr. Jones, calls me snoozy, my energy has grown, I just need a bit of a rest. The seat goes back, and I close my eyes for the short ride home, feeling every ray of sunshine on my face like a tickle. I am content. “When the root is deep… There is no reason to fear the wind.” Unknown (This quote is very moving to me.)

Today I am standing taller than the trees; what a wonderful world.

“The soul would say; yes, I am your pain, but I am also your peace and your power, know always that I am aware and able.” Unknown

Love always from your questioning, Sunday morning soul searching Woman in Process.

 

 

Be Still

Mr. Jones was heading out to pick up groceries for us. I decided I would try and go with him. With my Paddington Bear hat on I feel safer and hidden some, as we get lost in the thousands of feet occupied with so many bodies; pushing and shoving their carts around and some not being respectful of anyone around them.

A little girl is standing in the rice aisle, in the centre holding a stuffed cat and is staring at me as I walk down the aisle. She doesn’t move and keeps looking at me up and down, the look of innocence trying to comprehend what is taking place. Her mother is embarrassed and is trying to get her to move as I walk past with my cane.

A child so innocent doesn’t bother me, she is trying to do the math; trying to figure out why I walk on a cane and what is wrong with me. As we round another aisle she sees me again, I hear her commenting. “I seen that lady before.” Her mother is still trying to get her to stop watching me.

She is okay and it comes back to other people in the store that I really get the looks from. Mr. Jones asked is it because I am self conscious about the cane, that you see others looking. I said watch them. It was an exercise I did a little while ago with someone else and I said to see how people treat me differently.

Some were exasperated that it took me a few seconds more to walk and were trying to ram their cart past in a huff; some tried to stay out of my way and apologized numerous times; some people would stare and not even realize they did it, until they see I have a tendency to look back just as long; it makes them squeamish; then become flustered, embarrassed they did it.

It is the moment that comes so often when all you want to do is scream at the top of my lungs, “Yes I am this good looking!” Maybe they would not stare so much and I would get a giggle. So instead I prepared myself; I ensured I had my raspberry lipstick on, tried to hold myself a little taller and walk past as if my cane was just another accessory to the complete ensemble I chose.

“I am not fearful from what I see and experience, I am grateful as I understand.” Spooktacular Witch

I was reading an email this morning before I crawled out of my warm and heavy comforters, and it said “Be Still and See” (Thich Nhat Hahn). Today that will be what I work on. Wise words from this Monk. I believe I will have to go and locate his book and I know this will be in the flashing sign area of self help saying, “This way Mrs. Jones.”

I wish you a blessed day of observations, studies and arousing your curiosity. I am counting down the minutes until I get into my massage therapist, mind you she has a hard task ahead of her today; so to assist I figured a glass of wine may help the muscles relax. Ok maybe it is a large glass 🙂

“She looked back and marveled how far she had come… she didn’t wonder how she made it…she already knew the answer. Only with God’s help had she powered through. For without his strength she could do nothing.”

Love always from the raspberry lipstick wearing, grocery shopping, staring, self learning, Woman in Process

 

Love in All Sizes & Fur

The concerning rawr from my kitty shows such emotion as she wants to spend the day snuggled up with me. Kitty suffers from something equivalent to an Alzheimer’s disease in people.

She goes in and out of it; at times when she looks at you, her eyes are so black, scared, and has no idea who I am. Kitty is 15.5 years old and even as much damage she has done (eating the wiring on a massage chair, okay she has wrecked two chairs) I love her big.

We have been modifying everything for her. Using the bottom of one of the dog kennels, to keep the litter box container in, lowering her kitty litter containers so she can get in, finding new types of hidey hole sleeping arrangements so she doesn’t have to climb.

Kitty’s area, looks out the French doors to the bird feeders so she can mew at them and lay on the heat vent while she does. She even has her own heater we turn on direct to the hidey hole so she feels warm, or warmer as she doesn’t like when the weather gets too cold (me neither) and enjoys the heat.

To keep her feeling comfortable I found a big plastic tub with handles, filled it with blankets and this is how she can sit with me as her bones are becoming weaker and her walk is one of an old lady. Stairs are no longer her friend and a good hip rub is always the answer.

She listens to everything I have to say; when I am happy, when I am sad and at times gives me her piece of solid kitty advice. Her tones of meows have changed and she can communicate quite effectively by them. I feel sometimes like we are having a real conversation.

“When I look into the eyes of an animal I do not see an animal. I see a living being. I see a friend. I feel a soul.” A.D. Williams

She is a wonderful companion, and I will miss her when she decides it is time to leave me. At night I rock her and sing Goodnight Sweetheart with Mr. Jones interjecting the low bom bom bom boms; it has become tradition.

One of our favourite moments is when I sit with her and I play the piano; it looks out the French doors to the back yard and kitty always puts her request in for her song; Memories from Cats. She sits close and enjoys the feel that each strike to the chord creates around her, it creates warmth. She is very loved and safe. (She doesn’t even mind the singing.)

As I write, kitty has given me her opinion, and is now snuggled up in the tub on my bed. She is lights out; I think I may join her. In all these years you know kitty has taught me so much. From teaching me to deep breath when I am holding her, and not breath from the chest.

Kitty & (the boys) have taught unconditional love, and has shared that with us. Kitty puts her paw out to get your attention or a mew and I have gone to putting my phone down; the time we share is ours. Kitty always knows how I feel and a purr, a mew, a cuddle or a nap together may be just what I need.

It seems like yesterday that kitty was sitting in the front pocket of my overalls, being protected from the dogs, till she grew. Little did I know that the time would go so quick. Little miss grew up and moved and some how all of us and the pets woke up older. “The most important thing to remember is the best moments in life are right beside you.”

“Gentle eyes that see so much, paws that have the quiet touch, purrs to signal “all is well” and show more love than words can tell. Graceful movements touched with pride, a calming presence by your side. A friendship that takes time to grow. Small wonder why we love them so. ” Unknown

Love from the purring, tubby, sleepy kitty and the Woman in Process

P.S this house has been a zoo over the years: numerous fish, two hamsters, two bunnies, two dogs and two cats (we still have them) we had our own Noah’s Ark. All the rest have taught us about loss and we were so blessed that we all found each other.

 

Magical Days

One step in front of the other, I aim to stay focused on keeping going. Though the physical is knocking me down harder than a Muhammad Ali punch. I keep trying to get up; persistence or in my world, stubbornness or maybe it is magic.

Mr. Jones is a strong man and always takes this time to care and love me. From assisting me in trying to keep my circulation going, my legs moving, he lets me have the time I need, the rest, the quiet, the darkness.

He looks after the cooking and cleaning and appreciates me even in this state of weakness; that is a true blessing and not one that everyone has, I appreciate it.

During this downtime, is when I seem to meditate the best; I think the real reason is my mind appreciates not having to overthink. It is a tad tired and is opting for a rest so it can function at full force again; battery recharge. My appreciation is turned on high for what I can do and I try to remind myself not to focus on the weakness or the things I cannot do today.

You appreciate everything like you are learning it for the first time as a toddler: holding my fork and eating without spilling food on myself, holding a pen and writing, not well but doing it, standing up; this one is a big one as the spasms throughout the body tries to buckle it down. Your own body weight begins to feel three times the amount and you wish that maybe you didn’t indulge last week. I was quite small when I first became ill and struggled to stay upright on my cane, now my core muscles are so much stronger, I can steady my body more, I have strength.

My appreciation today also comes from an old friend who just lost her husband. She was a nurse and every time she saw me would ask how I am, are they giving you anything, gave me recommendations to try and help ease some of the pain. She also kept me calm when I had many MRIs as I am claustrophobic in the machine. She was always a caregiver to everyone, and am very sad that she had to say goodbye to her soul mate too soon. She is the true epitome of strength.

As my eyesight is limited so will my post be and as always in no time I will be up and running at full speed again. When you see someone facing a physical or emotional challenge, think of how incredibly strong they truly are; they have to be; they keep getting up from the punch, appreciate them and the wonderful qualities they have to share; this is their gift to us.

Now I will retire, for some rest; one of the greatest things that makes me smile is my Mickey ears and the happy place it is for me. I am going to sit in bed watching my show wearing my Mickey ears singing It’s a Small World. Today is just a blip, tomorrow I will conquer the world, one small act of kindness at a time.

” I am enough. I am full of sparkle and compassion. I genuinely want to make the world a better place. I love hard. I practice kindness. I’m not afraid of the truth. I am loyal, adventurous, supportive and surprising. I am woman. I am enough. I make mistakes, but I own them and learn from them. Sometimes I make a lot of mistakes.” Molly Mahar

Love always from the magical, Mickey ear wearing, singing Woman in Process.

P.S. Spook has asked for me to change the song; she is tired of that one. The Tiki Room is catchy. She is now rolling her eyes.

 

 

 

Meday

I am still feeling the after effects of yesterday on my mind. I have shuffled my way into the house leaning against the door thinking I made it. My Quasimodo body is tired from the busyness of this Wednesday.

As I shuffle down the hall I look at my feet thinking how awful they look and feel; chipped polish, time for me to make a “me day” appointment. My hulk feet are now up being iced, dinner is done and I am thankful for the end of having to think today.

You know you are tired when you do not have the intellectual ability to understand a show. Yup, I admit it, I turned on Zoolander. No thinking required. My best Blue Steel look is definitely all I have the energy for tonight. (You know you are probably doing it too, along with the strut. Spook is striking a pose.)

My intuition is a little fritzy after my emotions run high and it takes me about five days to bring it back into balance. (Note to remember, it also takes me five days to calm down after I bring the temper out. That woman is scary. Do not take her parking spot.)

I enjoy a meday where there are no chores to be completed, no work, it is only fun or relaxing tasks that you want to do alone. Might not sound perfect for all, being alone; but I find it great down time to recharge and get a new perspective.

I have to begin to reserve myself for a bit. My answers become shorter when asked a question, my smile small or I nod, my eyesight blurs, and my speech sounds tired, weak. It is the feeling that I expelled too much energy at one time. I also had to get onto the treadmill yesterday to exhaust myself to try and sleep; it is very awkward to run, bawl and as my girlfriend says, “to not slip on the snot.”

I can hear it already: I will take your health care information and can you describe how you had this accident on your treadmill? You slipped on what? I’m sorry you did what? Wonder which doctor would win the oddest person pool that day? Just for laughs I think I may call my sister as she was always taking me to the hospital for my odd “accidents”.

Tonight my intellectual aspect may be small but the good news is, (from yesterday) the daughter and mother are talking, listening and working on getting her some help from the resources. She said I may see her in the next little while to chat, I would like that.

I now plan to spend the evening watching and laughing at crazy cat videos. I swear that is the entire reason the internet was created.

“It takes real skill to choke on air, fall up stairs and trip over completely nothing. I have that skill.” Minions

Love always from the sleepy, air choking, slipping on snot, running Woman in Process