It was a busy morning and an event of one I wish people never had to deal with. I composed myself, wiped my eyes and took a few moments to breathe and pray.
I cannot say I spend lots of time praying, but talking out loud is a regular thing for me. Some days I wish that I would receive a loud booming voice to say right track or not. Turn left or right! Stop!
I changed someone’s life today and I wished them well and someone changed mine. Someone needed to talk and as always my door is open. Their child is in a dark place, they are talking suicide and the mother is not sure what to do.
I listened, I provided resources, anything I could and then; I had to show my true heart. I try not to let people know anything about me (besides you & my anonymous writing). I took a breath.
She talked of how her child does not want to be around people, how she feels black, her mind doesn’t shut off and she feels unworthy. My heart broke, I know it well and I have been working on this part of my past recently.
One I do not want to relive the emotions and feelings but seem to be doing that. It is now more of a-ha moments as to what I was dealing with for so long. I hid behind laughter and jokes, but I was very depressed in my teen years, my twenties it came and went, my thirties, my forties (I am growing strong). I felt a pull and struggle over and over. Either life was awesome or I felt I was in the bottom of the ocean; yet I kept that mask on so others would not see; would not judge me.
I became rambunctious in my teens and made some bad choices, like many did. I drank, a lot and daily because it numbed so many emotions that I didn’t want to deal with, I spent most weekends inebriated and the catch was it wasn’t the typical teenage stuff, I felt different. I felt alone.
I didn’t know if I was normal, if others felt like this. Was it just me? I can relate to her. She feels alone. She doesn’t feel right.
I have spent my life feeling like this and Mr. Jones was a big part of what saved me in so many ways (& my little miss). He became my buoy, (her my best friend.) One that when I felt like I kept drifting too far out he pulled me back in, picked me up from the bathroom floor when I was gibbering, wiped my tears and would hold me. He is my rock.
Then I would get up, take a breath head to the closet and change to my facade. My easy going, sarcastic, pearl wearing, laughing self, no one realizing it is an act, today I didn’t act. I showed my emotion, I showed my self. I do not want the young girl to feel this way.
After our lengthy discussion, a few tears, I told her my door is always open for her daughter if she ever wants to ask me anything. I will answer it. Doesn’t matter the question. She is not alone, there are more like us.
I know we all feel like we are in the water with the anchor pulling, our life jackets on and some days wish the jacket was gone, that the pain was gone. It still makes me cry when I think back to those days, the feelings, the sunken and dark thoughts. I drifted farther out a few times and then came back; I now manage to stay floating and I am still paddling trying to keep going.
My dog paddling sometimes struggles but now I realize I have a few more backs to hang onto there when the seas get tough. I hope she is able to come through to the other side and find her buoy.
Please keep those in your prayers tonight and each day that they find the strength to keep going. Show them love, show them the real you; let them know they are not alone.
“I am grounded. My Spirit is grounded deep in the earth. I am calm, strong, centered and peaceful. I am able to let go of fear and trust that I am eternally safe. I am worthy of all things beautiful.” Carly Marie
Love and hugs from the Woman in Process