My inky pen is opened and I sit thinking how do I say all that I want to. I am word challenged, it doesn’t happen a lot, but more when I choose to express myself verbally. I get tongue tied, awkward, and my flashing Beetlejuice sign is blinking over and over. The word Dork, is today’s sign. Yes, that is me, a big dork and I wear my dork badge proudly (I try to).
Will they think I am more awkward than I am? (My self critic replies to how awkward I am). Do I come off silly? These are just some of the worries my mind starts reacting too. My self critic is in fine form.
I knock him off my shoulder; take a breath and just express what I can. The tears start to form, and I am feeling a bit of the wind knocked out of my sail; compose myself again and I will be ready to take on the world. Okay maybe not the world today, I will plan on conquering that tomorrow; today I will start with something smaller, I am sure I saw someone with a treat.
Do you ever have those days (or life) where you just want to say thank you in a way people realized how it has stitched a little piece together on your heart. You feel a little brighter; a little bit more whole. You can picture your heart, all patch worked together; a few missing pieces to be found; they must be with my puzzle pieces.
Today I tried, with my card and hope the person understands me. It is a small item from my heart, but I keep working on small each day; appreciating each item that has been given to me, a kind word, a smile, a thought and a thank you.
My thoughts are mushed together, and I focus on my tasks at hand, fluff my hair and adjust my crown to keep going, (looks like I may need to have it sized again). I continue the day and find I start thinking about how those that have been such an inspiration to me that have been helping me along this journey.
I make a point to say thank you; I really appreciate it. I hope they understand my hidden meaning; (Spook says provide flash cards, as my subtle meaning is sometimes not clear or my Beetlejuice sign would work better).
“When you recognize that you will thrive not in spite of your losses and sorrows, but because of them, that you would not have chosen the things that happened in your life, but you are grateful for them, that you will hold the empty bowl eternally in your hands, but also have the capacity to fill them? The word for that is healing.” Cheryl Strayed
Someone I would consider a friend said to me today, everyone loses it Mrs. Jones, and describes what they are feeling lately (They know some of my story, the short story). I know; sometimes people don’t realize you are losing it inside regularly, you feel a mess; icky and sticky, like someone has duct taped your thoughts haphazardly.
You hold it together, yet there are times when you decide you need to give up, just a small break; it is time to tag out. Defeated, and discouraged, you hope each day is not the same as the one you finished. You trudge down the road; you continue your journey, you continue working on forgiveness to yourself. You are exactly where you need to be.
A beautiful picture comes to my mind, a chair in the middle of nowhere, on the road. I work on grounding myself, my classical music is tinkering in my headphones, the strokes on the piano keys make me close my eyes and imagine the art, the skill, the emotion, the persistence.
Today I end the day with my bowl a little empty, a little inspiration and will look at how I can fill it each day. Far from perfect, I keep trying.
“The road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began… Now far ahead the road has gone, and I must follow, if I can.” J.R.R. Tolkien
Love always from the filling her bowl, road travelling, Woman in Process