It’s super early in the morning, it is still black outside with a hint of the street light popping through the curtains. I slept, not restful but am excited for today. This is the day we make some large changes at work, good changes and I am ready for my training.
I lay there for a bit longer and enjoy the snuggle I get from Mr. Kitty, he nuzzles his head beside mine and I listen to his light purrs and his breathing. You can feel his heart beating and I am thinking; now this is such love.
I work to organize my thoughts for the day, to be thankful that I woke up again. Today I will don my mask and ensure I keep myself in the work thoughts that I need to. I hope there are no squirrels for the day that catch my eye and run my brain away.
Nuzzled in for my morning coffee I work on my reflections; reflections of the direction the writing takes me, direction of my thoughts and the direction of the items that still task me. I had spent last night journal listing all my items for “20 minutes” and listened to Mozart while I close my eyes thinking of where I need clarity; where I still need guidance.
Some days feel like a walk in the park; as if the positivity was jumping up from each leaf still showing on the ground and other days I just see it painted black, grey, a mixture of them in an arbitrary way.
The mornings when I can drag myself from the covers trying to entice me back in, seem to be the best time for me to work on myself. I struggle more late evening as my brain keeps flittering from the endless listing that grows like Santa’s list for toys from young boys and girls.
I have to ask myself, is there anything I would change, good and bad that has happened or was it all predetermined to show me a new direction. I close my eyes to meditate.
“Just like our eyes, our hearts have a way of adjusting to the dark.” Adam Stanley
The past few weeks with the hype and business have left me a bit worn. I have not been true to myself and have put some of my time behind, getting a job done to my standards. After today is completed I can take my deep sighing breath and continue on where I left off. Feels a bit like a new regime workout and I have eaten the doughnuts more than one day in a row. (Did someone say doughnut? Spook asks)
She could use a tasty to go with her coffee, not much of a morning person; she wanders to the couch and jumps up, feet on the pillows, yawning, one eye still closed. She is just watching me as usual, watching to see where I go today, and if she needs to plan to save me at some point.
When I was young I would listen to the classical music in the farmhouse; each section of music tugged and pulled at my emotions, I felt all the pain, the sorrow, the happy, and used this when I would be dealing with life as I grew with all the modernized listening gadgets.
Many nights I sat by myself the house empty and the music as loud as the old stereo would allow the record to go without blowing the speakers so I could feel it. I would sit with my tape recorder and add the music to add life to my skating on the pond. My movements part of the music, reflective, bold and determined.
The tears just roll down my cheeks, no sounds come from me. I acknowledge the feelings of loneliness, and sadness from a time that most speak of fondness of childhood memories. Mr. Jones just watches me and rubs my foot, just reminding me he is there.
I do have some good memories, but most I share with the black clouds over me and a smile on my face. I guess my morning cry is completed and now I need my laugh to start my day.
Not wanting to review one part of my life has made this super difficult to move forward, guess into the shadows I go. I keep trying to dodge it and hold the reins back. No use, I give up and pack my picnic basket for the journey on the road less travelled.
“May light find me in the depths of the darkness and pull me back to the existence I long for.” Spook
Scorpio: Your weirdness will make you stronger. Your dark side will keep you whole. Your vulnerability will connect you to the rest of the suffering world. Your creativity will set you free.
Love always the deep, dark, Scorpio, classical listening Woman in Process.