It was a long day of upsets after upsets, my temper starting to fly as I deal with each issue. I find myself heading to the physical activity to try and clear my mind to keep going; my body needs release, something has been brewing today (And it is not Spook).
I am just about at the end of my stamina and I still have a long way to go. I have to find some reserve deep down inside and I start to pull as hard as I can; the anger has given me a bit more to run on, and has emotionally exhausted the last of my niceness for the day; or so I thought.
I begin my conversations with others and in no time I am starting to feel better, remorse from before as always and I strive to stay focused on the pleasantries.
I answer the phone, reach up and find I have lost my grey pearl earring. It is a beautiful shade of grey; the same colour my soul feels today. I feel my body sagging and my soul is shrivelling into a cold old potato.
I wonder if the full moon is upon us or the Gods have just decided today is one of those days to test every aspect and in some way when the challenge is completed there is a prize.
My personal phone is ringing and ringing, it stops and then starts again. I call back the number and find my aunt has passed. I speak for a couple minutes and then shed a tear and tell myself I do not have time for anything else tonight to consume me.
I focus; think about her wonderful hearty laugh, I laugh out loud, straighten myself up; deep breath and keep going. I will spend time later and observe some quiet time, reflecting on the memories I have, the paintings she has created, the ones I recently acquired from her.
She is the first of many aunts on my Mother’s side of the family, all of them looking alike, same mannerism and some very distinct differences. She is the first to pass and I remember how again life will keep changing on us.
Auntie Elizabeth, just one of the names we called her as she changed her name like the colours of her artwork; each depending on how she felt during that time was a very talented and gifted artist.
I have on the table two of my favourite paintings completed in watercolours and colour pencil. The first was an assignment of a self portrait and in this painting she finds companionship with a black crow and shares a bowl of seeds. The second a large, bold, deeply rooted tree alone in the meadow, growing strong.
Both called to me when we were to choose them; the crow, misunderstood, judged by his colours and depth, around a brighter background and a sombre looking aunt who could relate to another side of him.
The tree with a secret message written in the clouds, with a strong foundation, spreading out with rings of wisdom. Lastly I pull one more painting, drawn in charcoal out and begin to study it.
I giggle because it is so me; a dark rooted tree, an hourglass, a light, a bullseye and some fun kids toys; tucked in to a small circle a quote referencing Psalm: “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”
“Two lines down, I am afflicted very much.” Maybe we were more connected and similar than I thought than just a name.
So today as I sit with my tea I will head to my little studio; pick up the paintbrush and will cover the canvas with paint and find my inspiration from the thoughts that jump into my head of my Auntie; I have a feeling a crow is in order.
I hope she can let our other loved ones know how much we miss them; I hear them laughing all the time. My heart plays its own requiem mass for her.
I take my potato and put it into the sun, I am sure it will sprout more life again in a day or two.
“God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered “Come to me”.”
Love always from the sad, angry and crow loving, Woman in Process