Here I Am

I woke up crying this morning, a nightmare of all the rest of the things I still have to deal with combined into one and amplified.

It was silly nightmare, but in it was the most beautiful bear looking dog that I was in love with and obviously it was all my feelings, of fear, guilt and items out of my control put into one and reflected to a different dream representing the pick up of my sweet dog on Sunday.

I have prepared most of floor one, picking up temptations and making sure it is safe. I have set up all of her items; have her name tag ready and am feeling ready.

I am anxious but still calm. It’s weird when you feel like that, excitement bubbling but a feeling of soothing as if the pieces of my heart are being swept back up and repositioned where they are meant to be.

While shopping I had to get one of the most important items of all, a monkey; pronounced monnnnn-kay. Our dogs with all their eccentric personalities were funny, they would latch onto something specific for years.

Our first dog who passed five days before his 16 birthday had a fascination for pigs and they always were pink. He had quite the collection over the years and at one time both him and our littlest one drug their piggy everywhere.

Eventually both wore out and a new round of toys was picked up to replace them, another set of pigs. Our dog that recently passed, about a year ago, his favourite was monkeys and we went through a few of those; squeakers pulled out, eyes pulled and then he was content to take them everywhere. His favourite monkey, he never destroyed and our little one has it to save for her memories with her dog.

I’m curious what will our new puppy love?  Will there be a specific toy or animal she will keep for her time with us. This is where Mr. Jones has some reserve emotionally (he is a big softie), he said nothing is better that having our dogs but you know what comes at the end, heartbreak when it’s their time to leave us.

He is looking forward to Sunday. I had to laugh he knows me well. As I am meeting the family and the pups I get a text from him checking on me. I let him know I am running late and the first thing he says, “You’re not out getting a dog are you?” I laugh, he laughs and says the poop shovel is glowing in the yard, the way the light hit it, he already knew where I was. (I tried waiting to tell him, so his hopes didn’t go up, in case she was not meant to be.)

I know it will be a lot of work but looking forward to it as my girlfriend said, “You can cry a lot in to her soft fur.”

I sure can. I think about all the things I had done with our dogs; one loved to go in the car and one got carsick, I make a note to take her everywhere so she is not afraid of the vehicle. I want her to travel with me; keep me company on our adventures.

I think about the animals all playing together and the joy they brought into the house, less the chair eating, coffee table eating incidents (truly happened, ask me about the wall) and I wonder did I ever wear those new shoes before they were chewed? I laugh.

Yesterday was another appointment and I continue to work on my younger days. There is so much reservation there but I know to keep moving forward I have to face and deal with the loneliness of that time as it influenced the rest of the years.

I am hoping that the time I now have with my pup of walking her, going on adventures can be focused to getting through this part of my life. During my lonely years, I had my dog, and I spent hours talking to her, brushing her, playing and snuggling her.

I was so grateful that she would come into the room and sleep with me. It made me not so scared when I went to sleep in the house by myself.

For someone who’s mind likes to play tricks with them, this was quite challenging and I know sometimes I couldn’t fall asleep until I heard the lock on the house door open and my dad was home from work; then I could fall asleep. I also struggled each morning to get up as I was tired from staying up to late because I was afraid to sleep.

I would run into my room, close the door just about all the way and dive into my covers. Cover up my head and panic breathe as I tried to tell myself there was nothing there.

My dog helped there as I would rub her fur and talk to her about my fears, she was my counsellor while I grew up, my confidant. She knew all my secrets and the wishes I had about my life. She knew things I never told anyone including a best friend, as back then somehow nothing stayed secret.

I questioned everything about me, shape, size, smartness, sexuality, I was trying to figure out who I was then; to be who I am now.

There are a few things I struggled with in that journey as it took me longer to just be me, and that may have been just the age, the factors at the time or it could have been my insecurities. Yes, I have a lot of those and it is taking a lot of pep talks from Mr. Jones to get me here, where I stand today.

I was very sad when I moved to college and had to leave my dog behind, as I still needed her more than anything. I went from having someone to share with freely, to bottling it all up again. Those that knew me, only knew what I wanted them to and the rest stayed hidden.

Taking the words from a fellow ogre, “Onions have layers. Ogres have layers.” Shrek

You have to peel one back; with me it is the same. What you see and get is never what truly is. It has taken me this long to say, this is me and I just need to be me now, no more of what others need, no more hiding in beneath my facade. Here I am.

“Sometimes what your most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.” Unknown


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