You know how you feel like when you say things the wrong way and you stuff your foot in your mouth; it seems you just keep shoving it in farther and farther?
I find that before something big takes place my world starts to turn upside down; I become more off, clumsy, my words not correct, and my foot just starts kicking me in the head aiming for my mouth.
Other things just seem weird and then once the issue takes place, everything starts moving back into alignment.
I am curious what prompts it to change? I have had a nagging feeling for a couple days and as I drive and hit red lights I know something is trying to hold me back briefly, I take it and breathe and thank the stars when they are all green.
Somedays I think the PTSD has me so messed up that maybe everything I feel and see is all caused by the mind and then I think no it can’t be.
Kitty crawls into my lap and begins hugging me knowing I am in a different world at this moment and shouldn’t be long before I begin to break today.
I have to before I can pick myself back up and start again. I have to work to change it, take it from the darkness and change it to the light. It becomes emotionally exhausting having to do it.
Our converstion the other day was about how the darkness is really part of me and I do have to embrace it to be me; the real me and try to add colour around the darkness.
My darkness, lets label it as Herb, I guess I better begin to owe it. It isn’t going away, it isn’t going to let go of the hold, it’s there always, behind a smile, behind a laugh.
I think about the person yesterday, my energy sucker, her darkness comes full force, that’s what knocked me down. What took my breathe and changed me.
Today as I shower I will work on rinsing the dark into the drain temporarily and cleaning it off me to lighten today’s load; reminding myself to continue loving myself, continue to take care of myself.
I see a lot of alone time today to regroup so I can enjoy the evening tonight. I pray that I can put it together and am in a good place, I think today I will work on packing my beetle juice sign up, operation embracement has begun.
Someone else may need it temporarily until they realize they too will be moving to the back seat of the bus, owning it like all the cool kids did.
Today is Sunday; it is the day to pick up my new family member, as I drive I was emotional thinking about her, my life will change. Upon arriving my beautiful girl came to meet me and had already changed so much in three days. She is courageous, smart and independent.
Once we are alone, she cried and tried to howl momentarily then she settled in and enjoyed her nap back to town. As I pet her, I could fall asleep as she lowers my blood pressure and a warm cuddle with her makes everything disappear.
I finally decided to join her and snuggled up by her bed for a nap, I feel calmer today, more balanced and I know that my new friend will help keep me grounded.
She has done more for me in one day; I can only imagine how I will be after time. My own therapy dog, my life is complete; maybe she can keep my feet on the ground where they belong.
“Some things just fill your heart with love without trying.” Princess Sassy Pants & CO. (Check out her drawings and quotes she is one of my favourites!)
Love always the puppy loving, snuggling, Woman in Process
P.S. That is actually a photo I took of her feet. She is a gem!