Tonight, I was heading outside with the dog, and there is our neighbour with her tiny dog. Our dog is so excited when they see each other. They jump and bounce and are so playful; so glad she found her first friend. (Now to teach her to keep her giant paws off her, during play.)
Once we got them into a closed in area we let them run like crazy. With one puddle in the rink the dogs headed there first, all paws in and prancing in and out, covering themselves in the murky water.
They were in their glory and to watch it I couldn’t stop laughing at their joy of being together, running and playing. It makes my heart light seeing the experiences of her. It helps so much with my moods; most days I feel like my head spins around with Jekyll and Hyde each reintroducing themselves.
It is Tuesday and my night was awful; nightmares, sweats, tears and here I thought things were getting better. It was devasting to feel like someone shoved me off the cliff and I was trying to learn how to fly again from the blackness.
I was crying, this time it was my pup who came closer and snuggled up to me to help calm me down. She stayed right beside me, she wouldn’t leave. I tried to sleep and it was impossible, my mind racing like Smokey and the Bandit down the road at full speed, dodging Buford T. Justice.
My brain felt scarred, defeated and lifeless, it made me physically ill. The tears came hard and I hugged my dog; I didn’t want to let go.
I couldn’t go in to work, I couldn’t leave my house, I felt trapped again, a prisoner in my own head. I just wanted to pull the covers over my hair and vanish. The pup had other ideas and pulled my blankets down, trying to get me to start the day.
I stayed home, made tea, slept, snuggled my dog, cried and just sat in the quiet, aiming to just be. For the next few nights, nightmares have continued and sleep has been limited; my body and mind are exhausted.
As much as I hate doing it, I had to start finding out why or what has triggered the nightmares again. What event made me so scared? Was it the flying? Was it being away from home? Was it because I was so brave on our trip and needed to hit bottom again?
The one night I had this awful dream of my pup, combined with all the other nightmares; I was shaken, scared and lonely.
I start analyzing why and began to start seeing the patterns. I remind myself I am not there and I am not going to lose the love of my dog, she is meant to be here. The other nightmares are the past, I wonder will this ever stop?
It is challenging to be so happy about her and scared that someone or something will take her away from me and my world would crash down, some may not understand this but in the dark she is my beakon of light.
It’s quite frustrating, I embrace it, as to me she is a loving miracle, she makes me focused and helps me get through the days with a purpose; seeing life differently.
My goal was to try and sleep in past seven Saturday morning; instead I was woken up to a furry head on the back of my neck and a paw on my arm. Someone needed snuggling, I always take it as I think it is me that needs it more.
I will aim to smile more, laugh more, love more and find a way back to the lighter side. It may take a day or two but hey I got this far; I feel I may need to finally introduce her to the paint room.
I’m sure a paw print painting would be fabulous, full of life, prancing and colour. She still isn’t sure about the crying, I have a feeling it will be released completely there.
Today make sure you embrace any opportunity to dance lively in the puddles and splash with both feet.
“Fate whispers to the warrior, you cannot withstand the storm, the warrior whispers back; I am the storm.”
Love always the snuggling, fur loving, analytical, Woman in Process