Dodging Bullets

Thirty people sit in the dim meeting room each one ready to see what information they can take away from the class. How has this situation affected them before?

Some say they think they never have dealt with deescalating a situation, some see it often, some say they run. I find it interesting to think about what and how they see the situations in a different light, how they handle it.

It feels as though a person is not alone in this crazy messed up world. Each of us sometimes are just given a crappy situation and have to deal with it.

How many of them have had to clean up the aftermaths of one of those situations? How many have had to deal with a situation of someone else and tell yourself not to think about it years later? How many still associate smells to this day and find themselves gagging?

This class has brought more back in the sense I have to think about my anger, the fight, the flight, thinking back and evaluating. It is good, hard and challenging all at the same time.

The painting in my head is dark, black, my demon sitting on the fence looking into nothing, open space, just sitting. This is how I feel inside at times. Like something had taken over, consumed my colour and I am looking for the light switch in the dark.

I am still dodging bullets one by one, each day. I am learning how to duck, run, assess, how to see a situation and how to cope after. The smallest can put me down on the ground quivering in private, the worst can make me calm; it all depends on the day; how my brain responds.

It is lunch break, the emotions have taken the toll on me and I am gagging then getting sick. Mr. Jones is home due to the economics of our area and suggests I don’t go back.

Oh no, I want to, I’m being challenged in every area but it also has me thinking about my future profession. I question if I am pushing myself too hard right now?

I believe it is time to review more of my life; school could be in my future while I work. I need to really look at what it is I want, where do I see myself? Is this where my destiny is suppose to go?

I will wait for a sign as I always do, to see the path that becomes visible. I feel there is a possibility that the path may be marked with bushes and stumbling blocks but believe this will probably be the route; a struggle to gain the best results.

At the table are four lovely women, each from a different profession, and an instructor who is definitely passionate about her work. I have take aways, and that is the gift.

From the fall yesterday, and the struggle of emotions today I collapse into bed early for a pre-nap before I sleep. The pup is realizing I am not right, and snuggles up to me, her cold wet nose on my shoulder.

These are the days my whole future is up in the air as I question when I will be normal or my version of normal? Will I be able to achieve and move forward in years to come? Or will I be haunted for the rest of my days?

I know time answers all questions and always am wondering if there are a lot of us out there who feel the same way?

Tonight I put my brain to bed and let it be. Tomorrow I hope for light.

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” Brene Brown

Love always the snoozing, gagging, please flick the light on, Woman in Process


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