Chain Reaction

I’m hunched over and trying to get around with no cane. People do not understand how much of my independence is crushed each time my mobility begins to go.

It deflates my heart, my soul and I struggle  with all my might to keep going. The shooting pains are constant and each time it takes place my face cringes in pain. I try to hide it but at a certain point you can see.

My eyes close and I deep breathe as each one hits me, it started last night and it hasn’t stopped yet. That’s no break and the abs are trying to synchronize themselves into the routine.

Each one fighting over who can shoot the biggest pain. My eyes are drowsy looking, my arms are numb and I slur my words, as if I am drunk. These are a few of the items I am dealing with.

I am walking away and someone is laughing at how I am walking. I do not engage and hear them saying I’m not laughing at you but laughing at how you are.

Seriously?

It takes everything at that moment to not beat the person down to a pulp. I keep going and remind myself to be better. I ignore them, I do not engage anymore that day with the individual.

I am shocked and hurt each time that someone seems to think they are being funny at how much pain I am in. I feel sorry for them as they do not get it.

I am a firm believer in karma and each person who ridicules will eventually have to endure what that person felt in some way. I feel that for some people that is the only way.

To the man who ran into me physically with his body very hard, because he was in a hurry, not paying attention; I was gracious. What you didn’t see was how much you hurt me. I started to tear from the pain. How it caused a change reaction to what I deal with. Today I pay a bigger price.

This will take me a long while to heal; to heal physically, to heal emotionally, to heal my soul.

Tonight I pray for all those afflicted with chronic illness. To those that feel they have to explain and validate what they are dealing with; to those that keep getting up when you are knocked down, to those who are questioning as I am, is this it; the impending doom?

Be brave my fellow warriors, be gracious when people do not get it as hard as it is, be courageous and strong. You are all in my thoughts tonight.

Love the Woman in Process

 

 

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