Snow & Deceit

Trees are heavy from the weight they are holding as the snow keeps coming down. Surprising? Snow in May; not the first time. The sky is dark but the ground is singing its praises as it soaks up the moisture, the grass greener, the flowers still blooming.

It is fun Friday as we like to call it and I sit on the edge of my bed with a teetering mind for the day. It’s played out and I feel as the weather has added some snow load on me; the cold feeling of wanting to bury myself back under my covers and built a fort like when I was a kid.

Hmmm, I seem to recall also building those of snow but prefer the warmer of the two. As I contemplate my day, I have already seen my temper fly a bit, it comes with being over tired, so I make note of it. Pull the dog up and snuggle her for a few moments, she has now decided to, that maybe my idea of the bed is pretty good.

I am sure that will change again once I get moving around the house, but a snoring dog beside me is wonderful. Curled into a little ball, her face soft as I watch her.

At work my stomach is still uneasy and I am trusting my instincts as I feel something brewing. Once the call hits, everything becomes clear and I knew I was right to trust it. I am infuriated and now know why my temper was running away from me this morning.

There is nothing to change this cycle expect to head straight through it at full speed; I cover myself with my armour and tissue and tell myself I can get through anything after what I have been dealing with, it will just take time.

I make it home and sit in my zombie position as my nerves have completely wrecked havoc on my body, crawl into bed early and sleep.

When I was younger I learned how to read Russian Tarrot cards; one time I pulled a card and it told me that someone was being false and kind to my face but they were creating damage in the background, they were a fox; sly, sleazy and had their own motive.

That card made me pay extra attention and when faced to face with the person my guts kicked me, I thought I was about to faint. Sure enough it was right, that feeling and that evening my daughter shared a very sad and tragic event.

Our family did everything we could at that time to help our daughter and us heal but I truly realized at that moment how a parent could do whatever they had to for their child. She was five, so adorable and kind and that day marked a spot in my head on how I couldn’t protect her all the time, that really scared me.

I believe I got even more protective after and I made sure if something ever unsettled me with her and an environment I would make an excuse and not let her go, I would change the plan, the location or I would be in attendance.

I trusted someone at the time as a babysitter who became my best friend, her daughter, my girl’s best friend, her husband became friends with mine; her teenage son was the fox. That day we lost a lot and I thank god it didn’t go to where it could have but I still didn’t let it go. I fought hard for a year, until a judge finally made sure it was dealt with properly, not swept under a rug.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it and could I have protected her better? I hope for his sake, I never see his face ever again, as there is so much rage built up inside me I do not know how I would respond.

I am still working on healing of this for myself, as I needed to be the counsellor in between sessions for my girl and her therapist.

One day many years later we were at the golf course and I begin talking to a lady, she talks to my daughter and she answers as if she knows her. We walk away and she asks who was that mama? That day I knew she did her job well; she didn’t recognize her therapist from when she was young.

Her self esteem had regrown, her independence was back, she had blossomed and our relationship became even closer throughout the years. I stressed that you can ask me anything; and she did and I would answer all her questions. There was no being shy or giving her the answer I heard; we don’t talk about that.

Why not? If no one talks about sensitive subjects, no one knows the answer, no one knows the rights and wrongs, no one knows what to do. We are all blind zombies in life. I will continue to ask if I don’t know, I will continue to fight, I will continue.

My girl is turning 21 this year and to see who and what she has become is inspiring and very emotional for me. She always writes me a beautiful note on how I was her inspiration, yet she was mine.

One I took very seriously as it was my job to mentor her to become what she is, to teach her everything about life from painting a wall to balancing a check book, to be prepared more than I was for what life could throw at you.

I think I may have done okay, and am always excited to see her next adventures. The beautiful thing, is she has a co-captain who embraces the adventures with her. I am grateful for that, but the best adventure I ever had was her.

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Love always the Sunday therapy, sitting on the deck, working on my life, Woman in Process

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