Fear Whispers

The dog sits on her bench looking out the window like a child wondering when the rain will stop so she can play. It is quite cute and us playing ball in the garage does not amuse her that long.

The day is one of celebration, it’s Mr. Jones birthday and two of the daughters will be here for a family dinner, some laughs and of course dessert. We spend a quiet day just being with each other and talking of our future.

You see; I applied for a job, a long ways from home. I was being brave, yet every muscle in my body is doing the tango as I deal with the thoughts that transpire, the feelings of recklessness and abandonment.

Just about twenty years have been spent in my home and we have decided regardless if we move we need to start downsizing and getting rid of items no longer needed. I cannot see the house full of people anymore for Christmas gatherings as everyone are working on building their lives. I understand, we were there at one time too.

Family gatherings at the farm became less frequent and eventually not everyone was together at the same time. We only had to share ourselves a bit with in laws as Mr. Jones mum was only around for a bit of our time together.

Children and a blended family took precedent as to where we could be and when. We built years of memories, arguments, and laughter in this small house with the red shed. I am struggling now on how I would feel to say goodbye to it.

I know I am not one who really likes too much change. I like small things, an occasional job every twenty years and spend more time changing the house, the decor, my closet. Those are items I can identify with and feel comfortable with.

I really stepped out of my comfort zone and I do not know any answers. I feel this one will play out with my intuition and am challenged by one large factor. How do I be away from Mr. Jones for a long time?

When the children were little Mr. Jones was on the road for weeks at a time and once he got home our world felt stronger; supported. I would be doing this on my own and no one in my corner, he knew I was home then dealing with Christmas concerts, birthday presents, piano lessons and the home; he was supported.

Tonight as I am cooking, the house is a bustle and everyone is enjoying their time together. I see it all, years of memories; the kitchen baking fights, the ventures outside to play, the chalk writing on the driveway, the dress up games and Barbie world.

I struggle with that, as we are a team, united; yes the children are grown, we do have the pup to take care of and I still love my home. I wonder how many people can say that? I do love who I work for but feel I need a change to assist me with my overall health.

The feelings of anxiety sometimes takes over, I am picturing myself, hyperventilating in a room, alone, feeling the weight of the world. I have decided to feel my way through this one and see what transpires.

I had mentioned to Mr. Jones that I could become a stay at home mum for our dog as that makes me quite happy, looking after the home, cooking and being. I still had some books to finish sitting on the night stand, but unfortunately unless I win the lottery to pay for my dogs style of living, I will be heading back to work.

The one best thing that comes out of this regardless of the ending is I was brave, and I realize that I was worthy. That I think could always be the lesson anyway I look at it. In the mean time, I am going to push everything away from me so that stress does not keep adding to the weighted shoulders I currently have.

I know one day either Mr. Jones or myself will be alone, the question is if we have a choice, should we miss out on time with each other?

I had heard one item today that has stuck with me steady and that was to listen to the whispers, to hear them as our true calling may not be screaming at us.

Dear whispers, I am listening.

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Love always, the patient, scared out of her mind, whisper listening, Woman in Process

 

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