Monthly Archives: June 2016

Sunshine Naps

The eggs are in their perfect form, the yolks still in tact, the chicken bacon is sizzling beside it and I watch from the deck as Mr. Jones creates our morning breakfast on the barbecue. I am famished, so is the pup; after we finish our morning hike it is definitely time to eat.

We figured we would beat the rush of people getting up and hitting the trail. Four vehicles sit in the lot and we attach the pup to the hip leash. Slowly we walk, step back and correct her till she understands she cannot put tension on it.

This takes the first ten minutes and then she becomes a rockstar and walks in perfect form, no pulling, no dodging and is enjoying the adventure. We will ensure there is a reward at the end of our adventure.

Our trainer tells us to be wild and crazy; little does she know who she is talking to and I jaunt out into the taller grass, making turns and she is right at my side, not crossing my imaginary line then back onto the trail. We begin to increase our steps and I realize I have spent the first while focusing so much on the pavement and my shoes.

It is lovely pavement but I remind myself I’m missing out and to pick my head up. The trees are swaying, the breeze washes over us and we are all in our own element.

I am enjoying the forest to the right of me and the style of trees, thinking of all the hikes as a family we have made on our adventures.

The big horned sheep at the top of a perch, with one on guard as we pass the flock of them dining al fresco. The washed away hill that was so scary and once across we emerge our feet into the cold mountain water; sitting and listening.

These are just a couple of the grand adventures in this full encyclopedia set that is in my head. The most beautiful part is if I close my eyes, I have been grateful in receiving the ability to remember the details; as if I was there at this moment in time.

These are my anchors to help me weather the storms. My thoughts get away from me for a bit and then back to today’s hike. The dog’s tongue is hanging out (I love this) she is the ultimate hound, smushy faced, dog and it makes me just want to squeeze her face and kiss her wet nose.

I focus and we continue in the training, we pick up the pace, she is loving it and we increase to a small quicker pace just about a run in. The pup loves to run, but her mindset changes at that moment, instinct takes over and it is more like she is trying to bring down an antelope; you become the antelope. We will take small steps until she understands that we can just run into the wind.

Her nose is up, in full force, it’s interesting as you know, she is analyzing what’s ahead before you. We decide the big hill is the turn around point or one of us will be back packing the dog back. A brief drink, a relax and she is ready again to complete the same route back.

I find my mind has gone through its roller coaster from happiness, to a moment of sadness as the tears come down my cheeks and then back up again. The fact that I am allowing myself to just feel free and express my emotion as I need to is helping the healing process so much.

As always we end the walk with some time for her; training is done and we stand in the grass allowing her to just smell all the flowers and weeds for the next twenty minutes. She is in her happy place and Mr. Jones starts reciting Monty Python to me. I just laugh.

The pup has no idea we are making one more stop, into the truck we go, and she sacks out and takes a snooze, she is played out. I had read about Starbucks Puppuccino and I had to get one for her, a small reward for a job well done. She devoured her whipped cream and then kept looking at my coffee knowing there’s more she could have.

image

 

This day is just the beginning of another amazing gift and another lesson along the way. Some days have been so tough but find I am truly recognizing what is creating a better and stronger foundation for me; keeping me grounded.

I picked up my new beautiful pink pen, and on it is the quote “Live life in full bloom.” I had to doodle and colour the quote into my journal, it is so fitting. An inspiration emerged from my thoughts; I grabbed a card and began to write.

Thinking back I cannot remember the exact words I wrote and find when that takes place it is the real me writing; expressing emotion and thoughts the best way I know how; it feels as if I just become one with the writing and black out.

To those who have been assisting me in working through the darkness to the light I am very blessed to have you. I am learning to enjoy the journey, even if it has been a challenge.

Today I bought a tiny little daily calendar for the next eighteen months. My goal, is to write a month of adventures, cooking or the smallest chore of making my bed. I had thought maybe it would provide me with a bit of excitement or a small goal to keep me going each day.

I had pondered about the blog ideas and laugh as I function on pure emotion to write. I wish you a blessed Sunday of Sunshine Naps, I’m taking a lesson from the cute furry one up above.

imageLove always the what can we cook on the bbq, do I look like an antelope, Woman in Process

P.S. Thursday I was losing my mobility again and today I kicked butt. Look out world I will be running in no time.

The Yellow Canisters

It’s late evening we have finished watching Charlie Brown and I am not ready to crawl in for the evening. I splurged today, I was feeling a tad down and my bff took me out for a bit. She is always so tolerant of the things that I cannot do at times, I am so grateful for her.

Into our favourite store we wander touching each of the items, oohing and ahhing over the items we feel are sometimes dreams.

How we love to see the changing seasons and the goodies it brings to the store. The best part is the laughs along the car ride, the rocking out to the music and the comments we come up with while looking at the items, yup we are pretty funny together. Plus if I close my eyes and am out, she never minds.

As we wander up and down the aisles embracing all the colours, I stop as something catches my eye. They were beautiful; the colour of sunshine, the feel of warmth. There sitting on the top shelf are three yellow canisters with a small rooster on top.

I am in love. I look at them, touch them and decide I need to refresh the home with a few great pieces that make me smile; add the colour of energy and growth.

They remind me of the bright yellow coloured roses that use to grow at our old house in town and then we moved to the farm; they were from a family friend’s grandfather that passed so long ago.

They are still growing and blooming; somewhere along the way with the change of the soil and the change of the years they are still the magnificent yellow roses they once were; I can still smell them when I close my eyes.

I ponder on this thought and memories as I so carefully unwrap them with my butter fingers, wash them and let them air dry. They will become my evening event and I am giddy with excitement. I know you are thinking seriously lady, nothing better to do?

To me, the solitude of turning on an old radio style station and listening to the 40’s and 50’s music while I pull everything from that area in my kitchen, clean and reorganize are things I consider fun, not work.

It’s the time I can spend on the organization in my own state or style of meditation and work through some of the things that have been bothering me; feelings of eventually being a burden on my family and the constant inner challenges I have of trying to keep myself strong and moving forward.

As I complete each task I am delighted and continue my puttering project, singing in my raspy high pitch squirrel voice that I have; I’m just saying I could have been Alvin.

My kitchen has been beautified, reorganized, polished and gleams. It adds such an electric charge to me and I start to find a passion that comes and goes. It’s soulful, I start researching recipes and decide to create a baked cheese dish for lunch the next day. Off to my trusty Internet for recipes and variations I settle on one and add the items to my ever growing grocery list.

I leave my notes for Mr. Jones on my chalkboards for the morning and call it an evening feeling satisfied. (My good morning, and I will put a picture of the other down below).

As always on a beautiful Saturday morning my alarm is going off, that would be my daughter texting me at 6 am as she is already at work and a dog giving me a kiss to say get up, I want out until I get out of bed and then she snuggles back in.

Mr. Jones will be heading out for the groceries and asks if I will be joining him and I decide I certainly will. He is delighted as we are just starting to leave the pup for an hour or two here and there. She is always with me to settle the PTSD but today, Mr. Jones will be holding my hand and taking her place.

After a morning adventure of a thorough fridge cleaning we are ready. The store is still quiet and it allows me the time to pick out the right cheese and ingredients for my weekend of cooking. I feel fantastic, yes I am tired, but I feel alive today.

Homeward bound I cannot wait and start mixing my concoction with my evil witch laugh. Seriously, my whole family cackles, it’s actually awesome I think. It also makes people really look at us wondering who the wicked witch is? My hand sneaks up in the air.

My bowl is pulled and I start adding: 1 cup of mayo, 1 package of cream cheese, purple onion and please there is never too much onion so load it up, some spice, garlic (it goes with everything like black shoes) and jalapeño havarti cheese (drool).

Mix it up, one recipe says to melt it all together I’m like nope, into my tiny little pot to bake. I cooked it for 20 minutes, then took the lid off and cooked for another 20 minutes. Pull from the 350 degree oven, top with the asiago cheese and grab your ciabatta loaf as this is going to be a slice of heaven.

The dog was watching to make sure things went well, what a helper. With a nose that smells 40000 times better I believe, that must have been awesome.

image.jpeg

 

I could not believe it, it tasted like the Kegs  stuffed mushrooms, Mr. Jones and the pup were so impressed and I feel very content.

Recently I was having a discussion with someone who mentioned while travelling they may have eaten and drank too much and now need a diet.

I asked if they would like a piece of life advice that I believe in: before the MS I was quite a bit smaller, more frail and bony, now I have a little extra, I’m okay with that.  I know at one point in my life I will be super skinny again and that is when my body is aging and the weight will come right off. (I’m identical to my grandmother so am seeing myself in her). In the meantime I think that we should enjoy life, the wine, the meals and maybe have a few extra pounds, it could help us in the end. So please pass the cheese dip and more rolls.

“Sometimes we find our soulfulness from the words of a recipe or in the bottom of a dish.” Spook

I wish you a wonderful weekend and hope you find your soul recipe. Next up I am looking at beet recipes; it’s the Russian ancestry in me.

image.jpeg

Love always the pudgy, cheese it up, wicked witch, The Woman in Process

Candy Moments

You know that moment when you have just scoured through every cupboard looking for the smallest sweet candy. All you want is to continue sitting cuddled into your chair with your nose in a great part of your book; you cannot bear to put it down.

As you search the kitchen drawers and cupboards all you find is a choice of cough drops and cinnamon drops and are not sure what year they were from; they don’t go bad do they?

Okay, so the cinnamon drops will do as you slowly take them one by one, reading word by word, trying to find out who the murderer is in the storyline.  You think to yourself what are you doing not having one treat in the house for these moments? Note to self, add it to the grocery list.

You envision yourself in your story, you relate to the characters, you wish for others to die (come on we all do it). It is the one moment when your brain comes down, you relax your body is not in a fight and flighting moment and you are you.

You dream of a town, quiet, crisp leaves, the bakery’s, flower shops, the quaintness, the friendliness of a small town. You dream of being able to ride your bike without getting run over, not feeling congested all the time and of having a calm and soulful purpose while living there. You are completely emerged into the storyline as one of them. I have to say the sweater I’m wearing in this thought is very Murder She Wrote.

You are looking for the perfect spot to be balanced, one that puts a pep in your step, and provides you with a passion or fire inside. Like everyone I continue to analyze my dreams, look at if there are hidden talents and meanings and see what could be more me, what holds my passion?

I spent the past few days just listening to everything that has popped into my head. What does it mean? Are there things going on I need help with? What can make me feel better? What could be my pursuit? I recently just started to write them all down and at times have to giggle at myself with some of the thoughts that pop in and others I am fighting that inner critic.

Life has decided I needed to just stop, leave everything be and not have me think about a thing. I am okay with that, and it provides me with a complete emotional and physical break.

I never really looked at my relapse like that before. It’s as if I get to take the chalkboard eraser and wipe it all away and start again; start fresh.

The start will be slow and painful but over the next few weeks will ramp up into something great, plus it always gives me a new appreciation of what I have.

With that being said, a project we have been working on has come to light and twenty seven people will be able to improve their quality of life with wheelchairs. These individuals may have tried other avenues and unfortunately we’re not successful.

I cried at a presentation understanding completely what it meant to lose mobility. I had a dream, people believed in that thought, we found others, like minded and poof it is coming to full fruition and is feeling as if it’s magic; like it just happened.

This weekend I will convey my gratefulness to the powers that be in making things line up and I will venture back to the library and pay for my new book I just purchased as the pup decided she was going to enjoy it herself in other ways.

 

 

 

image

I wish you an amazing weekend of wonderful sweet treats and adventures. I believe I know what I am doing this weekend.

image

Love always the candy loving, sweet toothed, Woman in Process

Wind in the Willows

The wind is bustling, the trees in my yard are coming down and my little forest is being uprooted by Mother Nature. She is angry today and not sure if it is from the turmoil of us humans that have her upset. I could definitely see it.

Signs are blowing down, umbrellas turning inside out and each of us trying to brave the cold and wind to get to our destinations.

With the return home I find trees on the power line broken and a pup who is not feeling well all day. What a time for her to be sick, when the weather is poor and she struggles with the rain to attend to her needs outside.

It is her first real time of not feeling great and I feel so bad for her, I also feel worried because I do not know what has caused her the issues. With that in mind I get home from meetings and tend to her needs. Someone that will help her, clean her up and make sure she is snuggled while she is dealing with it all.

She is grateful and licks my hand as a thank you. She is unconditional love, no questions asked, she is not just my dog.

The sun has come out to play and we have a lot of work to do now that the 90 kilometre  winds have ceased; trees are cut, raking completed, lawn mowed and in the centre of the yard a large green turtle pool filled and ready for pup to have her own pool party.

Excited to be feeling better, she runs, splashes and plays herself out and decides a cat nap in the sun on the lawn and deck are the best ways to enjoy the afternoon.

Hours of yard work for us passed by and no notice of time, no notice of the list of chores we still needed to complete; just being in the moment with the flowers and trees; getting dirty and then relaxing on a job well done, as always with a beer in hand, looking out

I contemplate the day and find, all my emotions seem balanced, nothing is screaming out loud above another, no inner fights taking place with Spook and my self critic. Everything is peace on earth.

The pup is laying in the mowed grass and I gravitate to her and pat her on the head. Then find myself laying out on my back, watching the clouds dance and creating hearts, it’s my sign of love from my boys. I am exactly where I need to be at this moment.

The pup lays her head down and I lay petting her, loving her, she is my best friend, my fur companion. She decides it’s time to play and I smile as I throw the blue tennis ball over and over and she runs for it, well more of a saunter and then jumps in the pool on her way by, to jump on me and hose me down; she must of thought I was too warm. I laugh hysterically and pick my big oaf up and get her in the pool as she splashes over and over soaking us both. It’s the perfect day.

image

 

I had to run early to the grocery store and at the checkout there is a magazine talking about how our pets can assist us with our stresses and bring us joy. I giggle, I’m good, I know how much joy she can bring; she is bringing a balance to the hurricane inside me.

She makes me laugh, she does make me angry at times but when that sad looking smushy face looks at you you can’t help but just forgive. Yes, you have chewed on two pairs of boots this week, guess that means there is time for some shoe shopping for me and mine must have been out of style.

Glad she is looking after my style as well. Even as I feel so lost on most days and that I am floundering, she has given me so much purpose. I thank destiny for bringing her into my life and I’m pretty sure she is happy.

image

Check out that lip! I am looking forward to a lifetime of slobbery kisses from my drooling, smushy faced dog.

Today I remind you to jump in the pool, splash like you are five, get dirty, work hard, enjoy the amazingness that seems to be all around us; kick the shoes off, open the sunroof, and let your hair blow back.

image

Love always the spikey haired, beating to her own drum, Woman in Process

One Time Offer

This morning I was blessed to wake up with my vertigo out of hand. Off I stumble trying to get the dog outside and bless her soul; she responds quickly and efficiently and we head back to bed. I just need a little more sleep to try and adjust the rage that has taken over and made me feel as if I am on a merry go round. Even the thought now makes me queasy.

Mr. Jones comes to check on me and I decide that I think I can finally get up. A slow move over and cautiously up, he holds me while I am on my feet; a shower both hot and cold should help, I hope. I find some clothes and hope I look relatively decent as I cannot look down to see how they look. For all I know I could be wearing plaid and polka dots; but I don’t think I would mind and it would give someone something to talk about.

I was told the other day how much a young lady liked my style; thank you so much; she was adorable, the horn rimmed glasses, the bright lipstick, she had an authentic style and was comfortable with herself. It has only taken me years to become more comfortable with the attitude that this is me, take it or leave it.

Off to work I venture making sure I use my camera and do not run anyone over, a slow walk in, ready to tackle what I can today. Today just has to be a slow moving, give me time, kind of day. There is nothing else I can do but to accept it. If I fight it, I hurt and have a harder day, so this is easier.

The drive home for lunch, my heart does its erratic spike and I flip my watch screen to monitor its status, it increases while holding my chest, it will pass I remind myself and in a few seconds I start watching it drop.

It still scares me sometimes, but overall I think I am handling it pretty good, I just scare others around me when I grab for my chest and say it’s okay nothing to worry about.

Now should I tell Mr. Jones? Hmmm maybe I will wait, I hate to stress him more. I know you are thinking for the love of God you have to tell him, it’s just another part of what I deal with daily.

I see my time with an expiry and right now I’m still in line, not past due, so no need to have him panic yet. I’m sure I will slip it in maybe during the milk chocolate Guinness ice cream I made, as a casual conversation.

With yesterday feeling pretty good, and feeling happier I had hoped this week would be a different start. I will continue to work on my morning intentions, especially if I feel this bad and focus on all the most precious items that I love; the bottom line is having faith through it all. Faith that things will work out, faith that I have guidance, faith that I will be still here.

When my daughter was home she speaks of the day when she gets married, she wants to ensure I am around and looking after myself; me too monkey, so today I think I have to take a better look at everything that causes the heart crazies,the stress and how to remove each of them.

I understand we need some to keep our ying and yang balanced, to give us an appreciation of joy. I also see though how life has gotten harder in the sense of technology.

We are so technology driven, fast responses, immediate interaction, it can have detrimental effects on society as a whole; limitations are key, no tv, no phone occasionally and I would change those gadgets out for the window and a cup of Earl Grey tea, steeped to perfection.

There were days while sitting in the window, all I would see is the branches of the tree, where people would pass, cars travel down the road; I focused on one aspect, similar to a focal point in yoga. It gave me the opportunity to really turn the focus inwards; my mind would take me down a journey of discovery and at some point I felt like I hit a new destination, a realization, a eureka moment.

It brought me clarity with challenges, memories were more vivid, creativity hit a high; it gave me so much more openness. The ability to focus on what was so important at that time; healing me.

It has still become one of my favourite things to do; to be; to be one with the quiet and calmness. I will be reaching for it for the next two weeks as the pup is starting her lessons and we are not suppose to talk to them during the time. I know it will be a challenge but I want what is best for her, to ensure she is the well trained dog.

Mr. Jones and I laugh as we find we try not to talk then as much to each other, as we are scared of slipping up and talking to her. We will all get there and I’m sure this will be a new and challenging adventure for us. Someone just let out a large snore of contentment, guess us talking is not a bad thing to her.

It has become the wee hours in the morning and stress has put havoc on my sleep pattern. I laugh in my head as I think back to a comedian talking of the time in the night saying take a peak at the clock in a funny voice.  He had perfectly put together the scenario of the sleeping blues.

As I lay awake considering life options, listening to the fan, I am at a crossroads on what my next step is. I know I will be paying attention for the feathers along the path, the pennies from the heavens, the numbers in my sight, or any other sign to remind me to pay attention.

I am grateful for life, as it truly is a one time offer so I hope to use it well.

image

As always, love the astrology loving, yup that is so me, witchy, Woman in Process

 

 

 

Blooming Flowers

The flowers are reaching to the sky with their petals as the rain washes down on them; running down the spine and dripping into the dirt, absorbing all it can.

Todays adventures provide me with a different look and an opportunity to serve and be grateful. I love seniors!

I love that I look at each of them and see a spark of what they were like in their younger years.  You can see the ones with a glimmer of mischievousness, the shy ones, their eyes so bright of everything they have experienced in their lifetime, their eyes have been a camera and holds so much emotion; both joy and sadness.

The knowledge and the wisdom they have; I’m sure when they get up and look in the mirror they see the same thing I do, a body growing older, and yet still thinking and seeing the younger version of us, as if we may be eighteen. I like to think I am smarter now.

The couples together for years, the husband still holding the chair out, opening the door, there is so much respect, something that I believe needs to be taught again.

They say that there truly is no common sense that it has to be something that must be learned. I think we need to start re-teaching life skills, cooking, writing, the opportunity to experience poetry, art and the theatre.

It was a very wonderful afternoon of tea. We had pulled all the wrapped stacks of precious tea cups, beautiful flowers on them all; ones that use to be housed in many others cupboards before they were donated.

The tea steeping, the conversation, the laughter all around and me wondering if there is anyone that is truly alone. I am looking for my someone of wisdom, someone that may want to play cards once in a while or do an activity together. I’m not sure how to go about asking who is looking for someone like me? I miss my grandmother very much and think this may help give me a little piece of me that is missing and feels alone.

This morning while pondering in my journal, it was a day of art therapy, as I coloured and sketched. I decided it has been a bit a while since I wrote my girl a letter. Yes, I still send snail mail. Not because she doesn’t know what is happening, but because for the fifteen minutes I write or longer, I am focusing on thinking about her and what I can share. I think about the laughs we have, I think about something so small that I know she would get a chuckle over. I take my time and really focus on my letters.

Nothing is better than getting mail that’s not junk mail or a bill. Someone took the time to write it, put their best penmanship on to paper and created. I am always grateful for the handwritten notes and this year I am aiming to do more of the things that bring me so much joy and passion.

The winds have picked up and it’s too strong to try and be outside or you may be blown in or out depending on the direction, like Mary Poppins; I just don’t feel the wind changing today and my umbrella is in the car, no air travelling there.

I decided on a new adventure today, a cooking adventure. I am happiest when I can create with food; so today I pulled out my Kitchenaid; Rosie and we went to work, measuring, spooning, and whipping together our first batch of Guinness cupcakes with Baileys icing.

image

 

As always I am covered in ingredients, the chocolate blowing up over my Minnie Mouse apron and I laugh as I embrace all that the cooking offers.

imageAt first I am saying please turn out and then remind myself this is how to learn, make mistakes and be in a safe environment. I missed one step in my directions but I don’t believe it mattered, as I think they turned out great.

The pup was enjoying the smells of the kitchen wafting through the air and in no time she fell asleep watching me bake. Now the true test is the end result which I am excited to have at 3:00 tea. The table is set, the linens laid out, the teapot heating.

I feel as if I am a child waiting for the cookies to come out of the oven and demolish them, every bite, but giddy because I made it, all by myself (and Pinterest).

I found a few recipes online and made a couple modifications to them and boom we have a winner! Next up milk chocolate Guinness ice cream in my new Kitchenaid ice cream maker. I am waiting but not patiently as I have stage one cooling.

Today was my kitchen therapy, it seems as though my worries disappear while I measure, stir and bake. I am looking forward to enjoying all of the items throughout the week; I may also need to ensure I complete a few runs to enjoy my meals and treats.

imageI wish you all a glorious Sunday of doing what you love.

“The only real stumbling block is fear of failure, in cooking you’ve got to have a what-the-hell attitude.” Julia Child

Love always the Guinness loving, you can add liquor to all cooking, Woman in Process

P.S did I mention there is always time for wine?

 

 

 

 

 

Velveteen Dog

My hands run down her fur the soft velvet feeling between her skin and my hand, then down the corse fur on the centre of her back; colours of rich red, blonde and tan and the most beautiful copper colour; the colour of a bright shiny penny given to you by your grandparents.

She is snoozing again and I lay thinking about the day, how I would like it to be, how I would like to see me respond throughout the day and remind myself how I am holding the power to have that day. I am really focusing on my intentions at this time.

My daughter had mentioned how the pup’s fur was like velvet and my head immediately went to a childhood book, one I loved so much; the Velveteen Rabbit.

I remember it well, how I loved my stuffies so much and how I wanted them to become real but in my head they already were.

image.jpeg

I remember how I had a picture with a piece of velvet on it. I would sit and pet that little piece of velvet, just thinking, just being, being calm, I loved it, it seems things have not changed that much.

I was called to the bookstore yesterday, it’s as though the megaphone in my head was turned up and off I go pursuing the aisles of books, touching them, and appreciating what they stand for.

I am on the digital bandwagon but that feeling you get from purchasing a new book, usually in hardcover for our library, the smell of the pages, the texture of the cover; it is its own high. You cannot wait to open it and see the words leap off the page and take you tumbling down Alice’s rabbit hole to another world of endless possibilities.

I settle in with a stack in my hands and see those around me talking on their phones in the store, I wanted to say shhhh, this is a sanctuary; a library, I am embracing the books calling my name.

I work to click off the outside sounds around me and get comfortable as I read the titles, my finger running from book to book until I see the one I am searching for or the one searching for me. As always I am in the self help and care area, and greet Robin on my way by.

I do not know why I chose a few but after the adventure and picking some up for Mr. Jones I head out with my two bags full, home for the evening, giddy with anticipation to share with him.

As I bring the books in, Mr, Jones is like wow! He comments that’s a lot of books, as he delicately opens the ones I purchased for him. I know what he likes after this many years. He says how much? I answer and question any to go back, he laughs and says books are the exception to every rule and his head is back down reading.

It is late and the week has caught up with me, I snuggle in for a snooze and first spend that moment opening my new book to read a few pages.

“Holy crap!” As I read and laugh, I’m thinking wow, this sounds like something  I say; this sounds as if I could have wrote it. I am intrigued more and continue reading till my eyes are droopy, the dog is snoring and settle in to the comforter from all the excitement.

I give my thanks above, as I am grateful for my eyesight still. I have been having some issues again with my one eye that likes to go blind, but the days I have sight I will ensure I continue to look at everything with detail and appreciation.

Tomorrow will be another day of adventures, learning and peace while I continue to hibernate and read until I need to do my duty for others and complete my volunteer work. I am excited for it and looking forward to the conversations.

In the meantime I still have some loves and pets to give this morning as I have the best thing ever, my velveteen dog.

“But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly except to people who don’t understand. Once you are real you can’t become unreal again.” Margery Williams

Love always the reading, dreaming, snuggling, Woman in Process

Today’s photo: I always think this picture she is giving herself a pep talk, who’s a good girl?

Empowered Voyage

Snuggled into the brown recliner, I am just hanging out watching the dog be a dog. I sometimes find I can get quite irritated with her in training and other times I am the calm trainee giving the instructions over and over. Hmmm seems like another day at work.

I talk a lot about dreams and opportunities and then remember all this baggage that someone tied onto me and that it has to go where I go. It makes it difficult; the lady of the train with her dozen trunks to vogage onto a new or potential opportunity.

Each station looking for that one correct dinner ensemble to make her feel armoured. Each day I look for the same armour and sometimes can pull it from the closet and other days I think it must be at the dry cleaning; frantic to find something that gives me a sense of safety; insert my dog here, my official security.

Once you find that one item you invest everything into it to pull the strength from the bottom of your toes up, it helps keep the legs moving to walk, your mouth pulling down to speak, and everything else stays hidden. I have become my own puppet, a one woman show. I must determine the name of my act.

Then I question how many walk past me that are the same, nodding their head yes when they desire to say no; smiling when they would prefer to cry, wanting to drop down and just scream at that moment.

This week has felt like that all around me, the catch I didn’t have the energy to scream, but in my head it was pretty great and I dropped to my knees and yelled at the top of my lungs, I just need to do it out loud.

It is Sunday morning and I wake up in a different room, one I had spent a few years in on the farm. It’s quiet, the sun beaming through the slats on the  navy window blinds; the dog snoring and snuggled up, too tired to open her eyes.

Today we wait for the rest of the crew to come, my anxiety is high on my travels there and it took a while to relax and get my head into an area of somewhat being content with myself. This morning, I feel overwhelmed thinking of the number of people in one space; my personal space, it  has grown to enable me to feel secure, sometimes it feels like a football field. Anyone too close please step back by a hundred steps.

I am challenged to share that space but do want to spend the time with everyone, reacquaint myself and see am I that different? I only lock myself in the bathroom a few times till I adjust after the emotions took over.

Conversations are taking place around me, laughter and tension; I’m exhausted trying to hold myself still, I seem aloof yet the reality is I’m trying to keep everything inside me together and not yell out in fear.

This is the new me, one pulled and twisted each way, similar to the yoga poses I just completed this evening and then I evolve into a sheer calmness that washes over me, wipes the rest away and enables me to turn within. The sounds bounce off me and nothing is absorbed I am in my own inner peace, one that is recluse and very satisfied from it. I have become the odd man out.

I think I am finally getting this crap figgered out on the occasional day or I will think I am and give myself the confidence to keep going or maybe it’s the permission to just be whoever I may be, no strings attached.

To whom it may concern: Lost: one female in her 40’s, loves wine, dancing and laughing. Go getter at one time and embraced life. If found please return, all shipping charges will be covered.

image
Curious, how many of us are lost?

Love always the beer drinking, yoga stretching, Woman in Process