Snuggled into the brown recliner, I am just hanging out watching the dog be a dog. I sometimes find I can get quite irritated with her in training and other times I am the calm trainee giving the instructions over and over. Hmmm seems like another day at work.
I talk a lot about dreams and opportunities and then remember all this baggage that someone tied onto me and that it has to go where I go. It makes it difficult; the lady of the train with her dozen trunks to vogage onto a new or potential opportunity.
Each station looking for that one correct dinner ensemble to make her feel armoured. Each day I look for the same armour and sometimes can pull it from the closet and other days I think it must be at the dry cleaning; frantic to find something that gives me a sense of safety; insert my dog here, my official security.
Once you find that one item you invest everything into it to pull the strength from the bottom of your toes up, it helps keep the legs moving to walk, your mouth pulling down to speak, and everything else stays hidden. I have become my own puppet, a one woman show. I must determine the name of my act.
Then I question how many walk past me that are the same, nodding their head yes when they desire to say no; smiling when they would prefer to cry, wanting to drop down and just scream at that moment.
This week has felt like that all around me, the catch I didn’t have the energy to scream, but in my head it was pretty great and I dropped to my knees and yelled at the top of my lungs, I just need to do it out loud.
It is Sunday morning and I wake up in a different room, one I had spent a few years in on the farm. It’s quiet, the sun beaming through the slats on the navy window blinds; the dog snoring and snuggled up, too tired to open her eyes.
Today we wait for the rest of the crew to come, my anxiety is high on my travels there and it took a while to relax and get my head into an area of somewhat being content with myself. This morning, I feel overwhelmed thinking of the number of people in one space; my personal space, it has grown to enable me to feel secure, sometimes it feels like a football field. Anyone too close please step back by a hundred steps.
I am challenged to share that space but do want to spend the time with everyone, reacquaint myself and see am I that different? I only lock myself in the bathroom a few times till I adjust after the emotions took over.
Conversations are taking place around me, laughter and tension; I’m exhausted trying to hold myself still, I seem aloof yet the reality is I’m trying to keep everything inside me together and not yell out in fear.
This is the new me, one pulled and twisted each way, similar to the yoga poses I just completed this evening and then I evolve into a sheer calmness that washes over me, wipes the rest away and enables me to turn within. The sounds bounce off me and nothing is absorbed I am in my own inner peace, one that is recluse and very satisfied from it. I have become the odd man out.
I think I am finally getting this crap figgered out on the occasional day or I will think I am and give myself the confidence to keep going or maybe it’s the permission to just be whoever I may be, no strings attached.
To whom it may concern: Lost: one female in her 40’s, loves wine, dancing and laughing. Go getter at one time and embraced life. If found please return, all shipping charges will be covered.
Love always the beer drinking, yoga stretching, Woman in Process