This morning I was blessed to wake up with my vertigo out of hand. Off I stumble trying to get the dog outside and bless her soul; she responds quickly and efficiently and we head back to bed. I just need a little more sleep to try and adjust the rage that has taken over and made me feel as if I am on a merry go round. Even the thought now makes me queasy.
Mr. Jones comes to check on me and I decide that I think I can finally get up. A slow move over and cautiously up, he holds me while I am on my feet; a shower both hot and cold should help, I hope. I find some clothes and hope I look relatively decent as I cannot look down to see how they look. For all I know I could be wearing plaid and polka dots; but I don’t think I would mind and it would give someone something to talk about.
I was told the other day how much a young lady liked my style; thank you so much; she was adorable, the horn rimmed glasses, the bright lipstick, she had an authentic style and was comfortable with herself. It has only taken me years to become more comfortable with the attitude that this is me, take it or leave it.
Off to work I venture making sure I use my camera and do not run anyone over, a slow walk in, ready to tackle what I can today. Today just has to be a slow moving, give me time, kind of day. There is nothing else I can do but to accept it. If I fight it, I hurt and have a harder day, so this is easier.
The drive home for lunch, my heart does its erratic spike and I flip my watch screen to monitor its status, it increases while holding my chest, it will pass I remind myself and in a few seconds I start watching it drop.
It still scares me sometimes, but overall I think I am handling it pretty good, I just scare others around me when I grab for my chest and say it’s okay nothing to worry about.
Now should I tell Mr. Jones? Hmmm maybe I will wait, I hate to stress him more. I know you are thinking for the love of God you have to tell him, it’s just another part of what I deal with daily.
I see my time with an expiry and right now I’m still in line, not past due, so no need to have him panic yet. I’m sure I will slip it in maybe during the milk chocolate Guinness ice cream I made, as a casual conversation.
With yesterday feeling pretty good, and feeling happier I had hoped this week would be a different start. I will continue to work on my morning intentions, especially if I feel this bad and focus on all the most precious items that I love; the bottom line is having faith through it all. Faith that things will work out, faith that I have guidance, faith that I will be still here.
When my daughter was home she speaks of the day when she gets married, she wants to ensure I am around and looking after myself; me too monkey, so today I think I have to take a better look at everything that causes the heart crazies,the stress and how to remove each of them.
I understand we need some to keep our ying and yang balanced, to give us an appreciation of joy. I also see though how life has gotten harder in the sense of technology.
We are so technology driven, fast responses, immediate interaction, it can have detrimental effects on society as a whole; limitations are key, no tv, no phone occasionally and I would change those gadgets out for the window and a cup of Earl Grey tea, steeped to perfection.
There were days while sitting in the window, all I would see is the branches of the tree, where people would pass, cars travel down the road; I focused on one aspect, similar to a focal point in yoga. It gave me the opportunity to really turn the focus inwards; my mind would take me down a journey of discovery and at some point I felt like I hit a new destination, a realization, a eureka moment.
It brought me clarity with challenges, memories were more vivid, creativity hit a high; it gave me so much more openness. The ability to focus on what was so important at that time; healing me.
It has still become one of my favourite things to do; to be; to be one with the quiet and calmness. I will be reaching for it for the next two weeks as the pup is starting her lessons and we are not suppose to talk to them during the time. I know it will be a challenge but I want what is best for her, to ensure she is the well trained dog.
Mr. Jones and I laugh as we find we try not to talk then as much to each other, as we are scared of slipping up and talking to her. We will all get there and I’m sure this will be a new and challenging adventure for us. Someone just let out a large snore of contentment, guess us talking is not a bad thing to her.
It has become the wee hours in the morning and stress has put havoc on my sleep pattern. I laugh in my head as I think back to a comedian talking of the time in the night saying take a peak at the clock in a funny voice. He had perfectly put together the scenario of the sleeping blues.
As I lay awake considering life options, listening to the fan, I am at a crossroads on what my next step is. I know I will be paying attention for the feathers along the path, the pennies from the heavens, the numbers in my sight, or any other sign to remind me to pay attention.
I am grateful for life, as it truly is a one time offer so I hope to use it well.
As always, love the astrology loving, yup that is so me, witchy, Woman in Process