Monthly Archives: July 2016

My Baby Girl

It’s the middle of the night and I can hear her breathe across the room. It’s way too hot for her, especially wearing a fur coat, they are not in season at this time. She struggles endlessly to find comfort, peacefulness, that is not normally her.

I can hear her struggle and have been waking up constantly to get her water and check on her as she chose the floor to sleep on. I finally decide we are heading to the basement and we try out the new bed in the girl’s old room. She is unsure, but finally stretches out and we start to relax.

The fan running beside the bed, the sounds of the basement creeping, the dehumidifier sucking the moisture from the air. I lay in the dark, and turn on my light on the phone and stare up at the ceiling. There on the old stucco ceiling are coloured glow in the dark stars and planets. I charge them with energy and then click my light off to look at them.

Each placed in their exact spot she had decided. I remember buying them all and how excited she was to add them. She was determined to put them up, she tried herself but was too short and needed aid.  When we went to a new store, she decided she needed more, she needed to have her own galaxy to look up at while she lay and the planets were all in their alignment.

It was calming, yet sad in a melancholy way. How many nights did I head downstairs to tuck her in and crawl into bed with her? I remember her at seven, her reading from a list of all the reasons why she was big enough to have the room downstairs. She was brave enough, to be a room away from us and really if you look over the banister you can see her, so she is not that far away, she says. We let her have the room, her argument was very thought out. It was her passion that could help guide her.

She loved her room, she loved all her posters we framed, the endless colours we painted and eventually adding in a Car’s fan and light in, even though she was getting bigger at the time, she was still a kid. She made it her own, she made it home.

It doesn’t feel like that now as I lay there, it seems as if it was a dream so long ago. It was years, that it was her home and now, it doesn’t feel quite the same. All the posters, now hang in her condo in her living room, the furniture in her new room and a good portion of our furniture now in her place making that home.

She will be home in two weeks and I am very excited. I know she says the room feels strange now, as if she is a guest, but to us, this home was where we raised her since she was three. She is always welcomed through our doors and nothing is better than, when we see that smile as she has surprised us.

Where we played in the sprinkler in the hot summer and on the sidewalk with chalk; ran scooters down the street. Where we ran string around the house and attached it to her present from Santa, making her find it with clues from rolling up a ball of yarn. He was always so adventuresome every year, there was always a game or task. Silly Santa! She adored them.

The photos of her taken throughout the house, sitting in her pjs, making cookies and playing barbies, we built the foundation of this house on so many memories. It feels odd at times and I feel as though, I am rebuilding certain aspects of it, I am building now where I fit into life, my life.

While she was young, we let her make mistakes, we let her try to figure out the way on anything that would not hurt her. We treated her, as we wanted to be treated and listened to her ideas. I am grateful for the way she has evolved into her personality; her ideology on life, the ability she has, to give so much of herself to her job, her schooling and her volunteering.

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Today, I received an email and a phone call, that my baby girl had won another scholarship. I am so proud of her, from the little girl in pig tails turning on the mixer, when she shouldn’t have, to the tall, yoga loving, running, passionate human being she has become.

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I may feel sadness that the years seemed to slip through our fingertips like sand granules, but I have some incredible stories and pictures in my head; I know that she is a gift to the world and I have to share her; she was a huge gift to me and she gave me so much to live for.

So tonight as I have tears in my eyes, missing her, I have happiness to know, how blessed I was to be given such a remarkable human being to guide. I think sometimes that her old soul within, her actually guided me, into my path of learning and journey.

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The pup finally slept for a bit, while this blog was burning itself into my head, until she rolled over and fell off the bed. It was quite the kaboom! Some shock to her, but the girl is alright and was able to get back into her sleep zone. Tonight, the wind is blowing and I am praying for the thunder showers to cool everything off, so she and I can have a great rest.

This weekend, I wish you the ability to enjoy the memories that are part of your life, the joy of the future with its endless possibilities and the joy of having people around you, who love you.

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As always, love the melancholy, teary eyed, proud mama, the Woman in Process

P.S The photo from the top, those are my beautiful grandmas with my baby girl, when she was about three months. I was so happy, my dad and I made the trip, so my baby girl could meet them. It wasn’t that long after it seemed, that we lost Grandma Maude and Grandma Laura was quite a few years later. I was blessed to have had these two strong woman in my life, I only wished we had lived so much closer. Thank you for what you have taught me, from the awesome cooking skills I adopted, to the crafty gene. I love you both!

Creative Girl?

It feel like weeks since I wrote anything. I spent Saturday getting a reflexology treatment and have been adapting (that word again) to how I feel. The past few days I find my furnace in my body is cranked up, the steam keeps rolling from my ears and my mouth has Elvis’s mean lip curl. I am not myself, someone or something had taken over my body.

It is incredibly hot and sticky and where we live, you only get this weather for a short period of time. Each year I ask Mr. Jones, could we add air conditioning to the bedrooms? His response is the same, it’s only like this two days of the year and then it starts getting colder. I laugh as I hear him saying it in my head. I have stopped asking. One year I will just show up with a small one and install it and then he will be saying how nice it is and why didn’t we do it sooner.

Maybe not two days, but this stretch has been going on for a bit and I could use a little rain during the day to cool the house off. I took the pup last night for her walk and she was exhausted in the first few minutes and oh so hot. I grabbed a soaked cold towel for her and placed that on her body, while she lay in he fan.

By the wee hours in the night, we both (pup and I)  got up and went outside, it was too much. It was so cool and refreshing out, the sky was black and we could see the dancing stars up above the trees. She wandered around, did her thing and then finally decided it was time to come back in and snuggle in. Thank goodness, my eyes were closing outside and I was beginning to think I was going to be camping out there with her.

My version of camping is plugging in my blow up bed and adding a mattress topper for my back, a nice cocktail and someone feeding me grapes.

The reality version of the only time we took the girls all camping was clean up, feed them, run here, I’m hungry, I’m scared, it’s raining, cook again and clean up. It was beautiful out (pouring rain) but we did not get the time to appreciate it with some meditation or book reading; when the kids are 3, 6 and 9 they are truly at different stages and the tenting was too much for them.

I shouldn’t say it was the only time as Mr. Jones camped in the yard with them after and we did camp at the provincial park, but normally I enjoyed my bed. We found that I functioned better if I could have a bed, if not my mobility would suffer and I would struggle.

Seeing people drive by with their campers and motor homes, I would like to purchase a home on wheels. I could sleep when I need to and we could spend the weekends with the pup in the mountains, it’s such a short drive for us, two hours to the back side and another two to be in the heart of Jasper. It’s on our bucket listing of things for our future that we plan on buying and enjoying for many years.

We are not big on toys, Mr. Jones collection of toys are his books, football memorabilia and he loves the old army toys and tanks. I am a Mickey & Minnie girl so love anything with them on it. We spend our weekends currently prepping the house for the fall and winter so we do not have too much to do at once and are getting giddy for fall as it is our favourite season. Pumpkin everything!!! Mr. Jones eyes roll when I mention pumpkin.

I am online checking out all the things I want to craft with my own hands and found some darling pillows that I could create based off my moods. How perfect! The simplicity is again what keeps running through my thoughts, keep it simple to make life simple and keep returning to all the things that you loved so much.

It feels as if, another door to a new dimension has opened up, as I go back to the creative side of things. I pushed it so far away and then found I could not function properly, my body and mind were in disarray.

My emotions were out of whack, as so much came out in those meticulous tasks; the tears, concentration and love. I am giddy thinking of the endless possibilities and the kids will probably be wondering why did we get more pillows for Christmas? Surprise!

I have been researching products and finding items that I can use, as my right hand can only function for a small period of time. I am one hell of a typer, but writing and cutting are a little more difficult and I do want to aim to have fairly straight lines, not looking like I got in to the new Jim Beam Apple whiskey this fall. Yum! Oh I’m sure I will be though as well. Who needs apple cider, go for the whiskey!

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I think one of the best creations of Pinterest was the ability for creative people to share and grow off each other. Everything we ever learn stems from a starting point and someone’s creation or mastermind. The endless choices of colours, fabrics and stickers, does make it difficult at times to choose but the creativity of those designing the fabric is inspirational.

Each of them putting their soul into that pattern, their heart. I think back to my grandmas, one creating custom curtains for clients and one creating for the crafting sales and wonder what they would have thought about having all these choices? Too many, or would they have loved the endless supply?

As the magic piano moving fairy did not take care of my piano, we need to remove the banister to get her into the living room this weekend. We have moved the dog kennel so the pup, (when she has her day off from work) can chat with her kitty sister and hang out in the big space; to enjoy the sights of the yard and are planning on moving my painting goodies up to the area. It is much nicer lighting, plus I could go out on the deck and be inspired by Mother Nature and create in her zone; the beauty of every season.

Today my creation is very simple, it is a fellowship golf tournament. I have not swung a club in quite some time but I’m focusing my goal today on enjoying the sunshine, my breathe and just being.  Simple things that I can do and hopefully move out of my slump. I know I will, as I will be wrapped in nature’s heart hugging embrace.

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As always, find your creative side, love it, use it, love, the Woman in Process

 

 

 

Create, Blessed, Begin

I want to throw up. I’m so excited, so giddy and my hands are clapping together, I am squeeling like a pig. I cannot believe it. Today was a score!

We were up early as always and attacked the chore list of duties on the house we wanted to get accomplished; with clean gutters, clean vehicles, a clean yard, we relax for a bit.

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Popsicle time, this was mine, I had to get another.

My agenda is out and I’m writing, decorating and enjoying the downtime. I use to spend so much time working on craft projects and scrapbooks with my girl.

One day, I sold all of it. I sold it after she left; to me life had changed so much, I didn’t need any of these items anymore. I didn’t have my buddy to create with, to spend the time with, to talk with. It felt like a piece of me was gone, and it hurt my heart so much.

This year on my journey, I realized how much I needed those crafts, they were part of me, part of my ability to shut the world off, to create, to lose myself in a task and to feel so happy from the completion. It helped to keep my heart warm, keep my heart in love with passion, I had a hobby.

I was recently talking with someone, he mentioned he has been on the road for so long working and is working on having a life. He is building his dream home for himself, he has all the toys, but he has no hobby, nothing that gets him excited. He is looking for one and is not sure what it might be, but is determined to try all kinds of things till he finds his love.

Coffee is in my future with my sis. We chat, we laugh, we are sarcastic and both of us are yapping. You can tell it has been a bit and we play catch up. We venture over to Michaels, as I mention I need a couple more items for my agenda.

I am inspired, to create. It may be something that is for my daily notes, but I can make it mine, beautiful, I can put heart into something, to someone else may seem so small. I am working on re-inspiring all the creative juices in my body.

I also decided to join some groups who share their ideas and love of the same. I am branching out. I am connecting to others, like minded, all over the world. I love to see their drawings, their creativity, their soul layed out on the pages. It makes my heart feel even more full.

Into the aisles we go and after finding some amazing deals I am satisfied and so excited to get home and start creating another day, another week. I decided that I would make sure I add old photos of everyone I love. It would remind me daily of my love for them and them for me; I am blessed.

We decide that we would head over to one more place after the shops in the same plaza. Into the doors I go, looking at items, laughing at stories and searching the clearance aisle. Today, was the day. I walked over to my usual favourite aisle to see what the chances are that they have brought in the pottery I have been dreaming of.

I just about lose it, two full shelves of cups, nothing else just cups. I call to my sister, can you get a cart? She laughs, she knows there is something I found that I need. This isn’t just cups to me, these are the words I am using so much in my daily reminders to myself when I struggle. When the world is dark and something so small can focus me.

I start loading them in to see what they all say and to determine which ones I was going to take. These cups are so imperfect like me. Each curve of the cup is different and reminds me of something we would have made by our own hands in grade two. They are unique, each one not the same as another.

I have been mesmerized by them and now I do not have to order each one in for a huge price, plus shipping and duties to Canada. It would probably be cheaper to fly there and bring them back myself. I still will one day, with another one of her designs.

As I load them in, giddy, laughing and trying to determine which ones I want, I cannot contain myself. I am so overjoyed and am emotional. I ask Mr. Jones, could I have my birthday present today and to get an item?  I do not tell him what it is.

He says yes, my birthday is Halloween, so it is a bit early. I ask him not to judge me. He says okay. Not sure what I am going to spring on him. They are loaded in the cart, seventeen imperfect cups, each with a message, each to use on days when I need those words. Just a reminder, just encouragement.

The girls wrapping them up, are asking what the cups are for and I let them know about the designer and how much I have been wanting these items. The one girl tells another wrapping to not break any or I will take her to the dark side. I laugh and agree. Now I am waiting for the plates to arrive on another day. I am so content.

The drive home I am being exceptionally careful not to take a corner too fast for fear of any breaking. I cry on the way home. I carefully grab all the bags and take them I and tell Mr. Jones he is the best husband ever. He is an excellent gift giver and I love my present to the moon and back.

I unwrap each one, and place them out. I take a photo and then take one cup and the photo to show him. I remind him not to judge me and show him. He looks confused a bit and I’m crying, as I say I have been wanting them, they mean something to me. He asks why are you crying, I say I am just so happy.

Apparently, my soul, body and mind are reconnecting to a new level again. I am finding me, the creative, loving me. She is really in there and today was a blessing that reminds me miracles come in different ways, sometimes it’s something that shocks you into living, sometimes it’s the hands of others lifting you up, sometimes it’s finding your own inner strength.

So tonight, thank you for listening, thank you being part of this roller coaster journey. This is my beginning and I am excited.

As always, much love, hugs, the creative, crazy, blessed, Woman in Process.

Check out her goodies. http://www.raedunn.com/

 

 

Malibu & Cream Soda

I’m cruising down memory lane today, rocking out with a classic rock station, just thinking about life after a great hard day of household chores. I have still been working on moving furniture, cleaning area rugs, but the piano I saved for tomorrow. Please magic fairy can you move it for me?

With a beer in hand, my head bobbing and every now and then I break out into song, Mr. Jones laughs while he watches football. I know you are thinking what football? It’s not on yet? Just saying CFL is on! Go Esks Go!

Nazareth is on and of course my Alvin voice is singing the lines, “Now your messin’ with a son of a bitch.” I’m sure my neighbors are loving my rendition.

As I am not too sure how loud I am, it starts bringing back memories to both of us (Mr. Jones and I) and my head starts down the rabbit hole as it so normally does. Falling, falling, deeper and deeper into the back of my mind.

It is junior high, the awkward hormonal, big hair and I mean, I had big hair, it is a purple eyeshadow kind of time. We were being wild and adventuresome on a school dance and decided we were going to sneak in cream soda, a root beer and an orange pop, all mixed with Malibu. Yup, wild and crazy were we.

Off we go to our lockers in between dances, as we let the hairspray loosen on the hair from the movement and flipping of the hair. I’m not sure why, but certain things trigger my head back to that day. It was the season of the jumpsuit. Oh my, I looked fricking fantastic, so I thought.

There were pages and pages to look at and I chose a new blue jumpsuit, written with Aztec looking writing all over it. I had to order that sucker in from Sears for $29.99, it was so expensive. I could hardly wiggle my shoulders into the padded shoulders as I already have the Russian build. When it came in they ask, does it fit? I need this so I will make it fit; it’s great I respond. (I didn’t have a whole lot of clothes then). Now remember you don’t want to pee, don’t drink too much, getting this thing on and off is a chore.

Well that didn’t happen, to the lockers we march gossiping, laughing and being loud. In no time my hair was reglued, lipstick reapplied (been wearing that a long time) and a swig or two has gone down the hatch. It was quite strong and a few shots made us think our dance moves were off the new much music videos we began to see after school.

We had a chaperone check on us often, but they couldn’t see anything at the time, that we thought and the beverages were gone quickly. As this was the time of the guys not really dancing a lot, except the seniors, us girls put ourselves in our group and rocked out.

Just saying, if you get the opportunity to learn how to dance, do it! Every girl loves to swept off her feet with dance. Mr. Jones always is laughing when he dances and does the wiggle pretending he is shaking the dice, saying that’s the only move he has.

If he is intoxicated enough he dances with me. I think that has been only a handful of times in public, in twenty years, he becomes too self conscious but at home he gets down on the KDP nights. (This is from a previous post).

Jimi Hendrix has me swaying around the house. My legs are like rubber and my butt shaking. I’m sure I still have the same dance moves as back then, maybe worse or better, however you look at it, as now you let your guard down and let people see the real you.

I adopted some of them from Robert Palmer’s, Addicted to Love. I also adopted that signature red lipstick for a good portion of my life and have just returned to it this past year.  I had hoped more for Janet Jackson’s dancing, but I wasn’t that coordinated.

I graduated a few years later at the same school with 86 people. I laugh as everyone at some point might have had a crush on someone that previously drove them crazy.  Not me, I had a crush on the same guy since grade two. Needless to say that was all it was, as I certainly was not considered a popular girl or was the mysterious grade a head of him girl.

I did run into him many years later and he spills that he liked me, but I was too intimidating. Hello! That hasn’t changed, but I did realize I had changed in other ways and had outgrown so many things and people.  I had packed my bags and ran as fast as I could and was determined to start over. Determined to make a name for myself. Determined to conquer, determined to become someone awesome.

I may not have millions, I may still be awkward and I may still have the same dance moves but I think I turned out pretty good. I had planned on going to my first high school reunion, then life happened and from what I was dealing with then I didn’t bother. Pretty feeble excuse of me, as it is only a couple hours away, but that was the choice I made.

I do wonder at times what happened to the jokesters of the class? What happened to the debator who taught me to put cheese whiz on my popcorn? Just saying it’s incredible. I also add butter first and a seasoning. Many of the girls I have seen or have friended on Facebook. I am curious about a few others, but they may never cross my path in life now or maybe they will, as someone did today.

This weekend, pull that yearbook, look at that rocking hair and attire and think; thank god I made it through to the other side. Not sure if anyone ever escapes junior high school or high school without, being scarred by something.

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To the girls that shared everyone’s secrets, a reminder, karma. She gets a person, when they are not looking.

For a good laugh, I found some awkward yearbook pictures. At one point my hair was at least six inches high on top. These pictures make me say, what the hell was I thinking?

Love always, the high hairsprayed hair, I don’t like Malibu now, Woman in Process

 

 

Old School

I am still pretty old school, I love the back to school season each year, for new pencils, organizational items and paper. I am an ultimate nerd, nanoo nanoo. Yes the hand sign is up.

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As I am running my hands over pens and notepads trying to decide which one I want, who’s kidding, I want them all! I decide I need to head to the post it note section. As I look around the lady asks me if she could assist. My answer: where do you have the cute post it notes? Aisle 2 is the response and off I go.

I round the aisle to the next and there at the end is the calendar for moms; a monthly, sticker, mark all the kids activities down, calendar. It makes me smile and makes me sad at the same time. My daughter has been moved going to school and it is going on three years already. I choke back a tear and hold the lump in my throat. I’m still adjusting.

Now she has her own calendars, stickers and organizes her own world, she is the ultimate organizer; not sure where she gets that from. Did I mention I also am a professional organizer by trade? The sight of a disaster to me is a challenge and one I cannot wait to beautify. I did some work on the side but there was not much work back then, I am starting to see a bit of change dependent on economy.

I love getting to pick up organizational tools, make labels, (I have the ultimate label maker) sort through items, it’s similar to a high for me and I become giddy to show the result. Mr. Jones has seen me organize the whole house and at the weirdest hours coming up with a plan on categorization. It is lovely. It helps when your memory goes kaput, as if you have been there enough times you body may just go there.

As we were out walking you can feel the crispness coming in the air; the leaves are already falling to begin the transition into the next season. It has always, made me think of buying new pencils, scribblers and erasers. I was always more excited to get that shopping done over the clothing and see what was popular. I loved my smelly markers and erasers and had a whole collection of them. Oh, and I had the smelly pencils too. This was before the sharpening ones, these were the lead in plastic holders. Yup, just aged myself.

Each day, I would line them up on my desk and choose which one I would help with my mistake. Sometimes I would make mistakes just so I could use them, this was challenging as I had to be perfect in my head. I always though, kept an untouched collection, these were just for smelling and not to share with the outside world. I didn’t want anyone to use up the smell.

A few years ago, (maybe a few more than that as I realize my daughter’s age) I was asked to clean the last of my items from the farm. In there were some kickass clips, book markers, and all the rest of my collection; into my daughters collection they went. As she too was showing sizes of the ultimate nerd, I’m waving at you right now, I indulged her and all my inner childhood within me.

The goodies she had were awesome, as time had progressed and many of those items she did not take with her, are now still with me and I am enjoying them, thinking oh I have to use that! Of course we can’t keep it all, there was so much, so we made sure we donated some, to put a smile on someone else’s face, besides life is about sharing.

Last night’s walk with the pup, had me remembering so many moments, running from the fence as the two Mr. Mugs came at it when we were out walking. (Those were grade one and two books for me). They were nice dogs, just protective of their yard, talking to parents we knew as we walked and grabbing buckets and picking the raspberries from the alley as they stretched the whole block. These were from our yards and snuck through to the other side, the dark side, and turned it into a game to get them picked without anyone seeing us.

Walking down the path we made sure to play with the leaves on the way. I think the funniest was our front yard had hardly any leaves one year and the girl had so many Halloween bags to fill. Our neighbor across the street lawn was covered, so off she goes, this tiny little girl as we are on the sidewalk and asks please can I have some of your leaves? He laughed and told her she could have them all. Tiny rake in hand and there she is filling all the ghosts and spiders for our front yard. It is one of my favourite photos.

With the new agenda to be organized, (I function better on paper than a computer for this part) I spent the evening glowing while putting in my info, stickers, transferring my budget over (now if I could just keep it correctly) and using my coloured pens to decorate as well.

Mr. Jones kept laughing at me as I kept grinning from ear to ear, he says these are the moments I remember how adorable you are when I am away. Awe, so sweet. Me a nerd and proud of it!

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So today, I challenge you, organize your documents, buy yourself a new pencil or two and embrace the nerdiness within you. I believe we all have nerd in us. I found this photo from http://www.distractify.com and fell in love. For my fellow nerds.

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As always love the nerdy, organizing, Woman in Process

P.S. Those awesome pencils are on etsy! I believe I need to order them, ship to Canada?

Sweaty Chances

Each day when we wake up, we take a chance. We take a chance when we get up and go out, drive to work, complete tasks that we may not be overconfident in and when we decide to try something new.

We take those little balls of chance and after completing it we build the task, the info, the experience into our memory banks for the future and add that chance to the shelf, as now completed.

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Tonight we took a chance. A friend recently was asking who might be interested in going to a class with her, something said go, so I signed up. (Not knowing if I could even do this type of class). My Bff was concerned on going, (she just had surgery not long ago) but she too, took a chance. I looked for some vintage aerobics workout wear to outfit myself in, but unfortunately I seem to have misplaced it. Hmmm note to self to start checking the downstairs closets.

Into the studio we go with our gym bags looking like, yup we belong here (more of the slow walk), to get all the directions on the moves. My eyes and brain glaze over, in the descriptions and into my own world I go. Both of us are nervous; this was a class called pound. (I kept calling it drumming). I was so excited to have drumsticks to rap away with and see if there is any pent up aggression, you know there is.

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This is what Mr.Jones thought I was up to as I kept calling it drumming.  This looks like a blast too! Where do I sign up?

Up to the front we go and are ready! We move to the beat, twist, kick, drum and are having so much fun; the sweat pouring off of us and in between songs we laugh. Up on the wall behind the stage they had their logo; what I see in the centre of the logo makes me shake my head; the word “be”. The word of the year for me. This is when, I know I am in the right place.

I have a theory that when you mess up in a class and cannot do what they are at that moment, go into freestyle mode and get into it. I am picturing the dance in, Can’t Buy Me Love. (One of my old favourite movies) and if you seen some of my freestyle moves you would understand.

At one point there was even a spot I am like; Bff look! Running man; you know a movie passed in my head at this moment. I was sad when the class ended as it was a blast and an ice cold, partly frozen wash cloth at the end to wipe our faces, was perfection. Forty five intense minutes and poof we were done.

We talked after, why did we stop coming to classes so long ago? After some reflection, we remember, I had gotten sick and was unable to go for months (strength, mobility had become a challenge); then winter hit, which is always a difficult challenge for me. It was far too long for us, we let the time slip away.

The excitement of trying something new is always a combination of absolute fear (that word again) and total exhilaration. I was so glad that we made the effort and found something else that we liked, something else that we don’t have to be experts on, just enjoy and work at our own pace.

We are already planning next weeks’s class and I’m sure we will look like pros. I am cracking up at that thought and picture all those posts; how you think you look and how you really look. My picture is probably a sweaty ape, with wristbands and a headband, rocking out with drumsticks wearing red lipstick. I will use that as an anchor going forward as it will make me laugh.

The intensity from the workout the next day had me slow going and I was ready to nap the day away, unfortunately work was still on my radar too. It took everything I could to make it through the day and then I rewarded myself with a much needed snooze. Mr. Jones was coming into the house, he sees no movement and thinks I should be quiet, he snuck in past the Snoozy Doo and me, we were toast.

I ask Mr. Jones, why he thinks it took so much out of me. He responds, it was something new, your body not accustomed to it and I am sure, the next class the recovery will be quicker.

I sure hope it is as well, the feeling I had today was a tad too much. Plus suffering from permanent vertigo, it becomes challenging to do these things and today I was ill from it all day but I don’t want to miss out on life.

I was having a conversation with a person I have known a long time and they were assisting me with a work question. We began to chat and her line of work professionally would understand about me, the situation.

She comments how nice it is that I get to bring my dog to work. I was brave today and just told her, about dealing with the PTSD. We chatted for a while on life, work and she had said a few more people from her work have been retiring and same thing, years of what they have dealt with is now creeping into their lives and they are dealing with all of it.

I know I am not alone, but it’s not like people where a badge saying you can talk to me about PTSD, we all feel alone until we magically find those same people or people who really understand. She had been enjoying the pictures of the pup and now has a whole understanding what she has done for me.

I will be continuing with all of the pups training and working hard on getting her certified; not just for me, but so I can use her in places to assist others, sharing her lovingness with someone who could benefit from it; whether it is illness or age.

I am grateful for Friday, can I get a hell ya! I have very small goal this weekend and most of it involves a laid back attitude for it, maybe a new recipe, continue working on my sign and napping with my dog. We just got up and she is in her favourite chair, snoring already.

As always, be brave, drumming, Woman in Process

 

 

 

Winds Of Change

I thought the day was normal, but far from it; time disappeared faster than a amaretto and coke with a straw, lots of ice. The day was gone and the feeling was one of change. I had remarked earlier in the day that it felt as if the world shifted. We were over the halfway mark of the year and I could not put my finger on to what was happening.

After my whipped together al dente pasta and chicken it was time to take the pup for a walk. We began our usual route so she could say hello to the fellow dogs she knew. As we rounded the first street, the trees blowing, the clouds rolling in, I could tell the pup felt the same thing I did, uneasy.

She was overly distracted, and kept jumping, it made me confused. As I tried to increase my speed and change the route up for her, she kept paying attention to the air, her nose was just a sniffing. At first I thought it was storm she was smelling but I am not so sure now.

She too has been overwhelmed my the sticky heat at night but definitely has been enjoying the blowing air conditioning at work each day. Tomorrow she has the morning at home (a partial day off to recoup) so I will set the fans up on her to help.

After we round the bend of the castle house a young man is walking home, the pup acts up. I pull her to the side and sit her down and ask what are you feeling that I am feeling, what are you smelling that I cannot smell?  Of course no response but sad eyes looking at me, we continue.

The street overgrown with trees and bushes that need pruning, I stop and look down the lane. I feel it here immensely. As I am staring down the lane I feel a déjà vu moment, the eeriness of the day, the lane, the evening and it is time to go home. It felt like fall far too soon. How many times have we walked those streets going door to door for Halloween? How many times have I walked the girl to a friend’s place? How many times have we walked her to school?

We walk home checking our surroundings, as I think back, before I left Mr. Jones said what area are you going and it you are not back by this time I am coming looking for you. He never says that. I had reminded him my gps is on so he can see our route on the computer. I did this year’s ago for safety when I was out walking or biking alone, it gave me a small bit of relief.

In the comfort of our home behind the double locked doors, the alarm system, I let my guard down and tell Mr. Jones something is off and into research I go. I determine where I should look and figure this will be the evening adventure. Is it something about the day, the year what am I feeling? What is she feeling?

I open my Facebook page to check something and there is it, sitting right in front of me; it is the full stagg moon and read it’s attributes. Thanks Wicca Teachings! I am always intrigued as the full moon has brought many weird and crazy things happening in my workplace as well.

I was quite excited about the extra income and I was definitely not off on the feelings and was very grateful to not receive the dreaded calls in the evening, but I’m sure in the morning there will be a few off things.

The excitement was too much for the pup and she needed a break. As you can see it wore her right out, her head was whipping everywhere, every sound had her she was also at the height of her emotions. It is interesting, some say the dog feeds off of your feelings and others say they pick up feelings and to trust their instincts.

imageI would have to agree a portion of both. When I am in disarray she does feel it, but her behaviour does not mirror mine. I have trusted all my dogs for years if they don’t care for someone I pay attention. If my parents had watched how the dog responded to people at the gas station, their generosity would not have been taken advantage of.

Each of those people, the dog did not care for and would growl and become hostile; Princess Mojo was a sweetheart all the rest of the time so I listened. I sometimes think she too was the push that connected Miss Sasha Rose, my new pup to me.

As the evening exploration took place a lot quicker than I expected, it gave me time to sit and think back, half a year is done. Wow! I reflect on all the transitions I have been going through, experiencing, the changes. Have I really changed or is it just I am more aware again and turning back into the original me, just modified? That is the real question.

I am curious what the next six months will bring but I have this feeling things are about to really change. I may have to see if it’s written in the stars. I like that, maybe it’s time to find a telescope again and adventure out to the quiet and see how the stars are dancing in the sky, I just need to be able to stay up that late.

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As always, love from the I found my voodoo doll, witchy, star gazing, Woman in Process

P.S I mentioned previously about the wheelchairs; eight more just went out to find their homes. I started receiving photos back and their smiles make me so happy. That is what life is about, doing something for someone else.

P.S.S Mr. Jones bought me a voodoo doll when he worked in Louisiana, I’m fascinated.

Spanx, Mascara,Bra-less

This morning began as a typical Sunday, up and ready to seize the day, after the morning routine and some time writing on my blog, I decided it was time to hit the trails. Early enough the sun is not too warm, the trails won’t be too busy and the distractions won’t be overwhelming for the pup. She is officially six months and one week old, today! Someone get her a cupcake for this memorable moment, and I will have a chocolate one and one when no one is looking; please don’t judge me.

Strapped up and hiking down the hill from the house, she is overjoyed of the adventure in front of her and the squirrel at the end of the bridge. Her pace is consistent with mine, just a few minor adjustments I make, with her hands free training leash (thank you dog training) and we are pacing ourselves quite nicely. I have the usual fear that overtakes my body and remind myself that I am okay, I give my fears to the universe. (I still struggle with being in certain areas, it kicks in my fight and flight).

We are not even half way around the walk and her tongue is hanging out (mine too), as the sun starts to scorch us on the route back (I forgot the sunscreen and her doggles). Up the hills, up the stairs, down the curves, we finally make it back just in time as she has hit absolute boredom and was gnawing on my arm at the last stretch.  I guess her glutes have had enough as well.

I sometimes wonder if people think I have been cutting myself up when they look at all the scars on my arms and legs. I will just point and say new puppy, plus did I ever mention how accident prone I was?

You could see the relief on the pups face as  we get back to the house, and I pull out the hose to fill her pool. I start spraying the water and she is in the air, all four paws hang timing as she soaks up the deliciousness of the moisture in her fur. It’s a perfect day for her, and if ice cream is involved at any time later, she will be in heaven. (She got a few bites to cool off later).

I end up with a kink in my hose, stop filling, go back fix it, then try again, no go, and back I go, to another kink. As I am correcting the cats tail, that is what Mr. Jones calls it, I realize it’s such a simple lesson of life. Try, fix, not the correct way, try again, until we get the outcome we so desire. It took me three times as every time I pulled it got stuck on something, everytime I rushed or didn’t pay as much attention, it didn’t work right. It was my investment.

The thoughts it created, the vision it started out to build was that reminder. Yesterday, I was challenged in thinking I was set back, when reality was I am just trying again to correct what I needed. The Dew, one of the fur baby’s many nicknames, had decided it was enough heat and pool time and in we went.

A quick shower, some lunch and I decide it’s Sunday and I do not need to go anywhere. I am dancing,  that means, no styling of my hair even though it is short; I comb it back so I look like Danny from Grease, no makeup; that means no poking myself with the mascara wand, and the best of all, I can go bra-less. After a week of high heels, spanx, dress clothes and smiling crazily at everyone, I prefer pyjamas in the middle of the day.

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Yes, that is a Packers blanket and my football shoulders.

When I was pulling all the books out I found one I had purchased on a simple life. I figure this is exactly perfect for this morning after a big walk, I can review to see if there are other things that I should look at, to give myself more time of be-ing. I wonder if there is a chapter on the ultimate relaxation?

Part way through, Mr. Jones has come home from a weekend call in, and I am feeling faint and tired. I slither from the recliner to the floor where the pup is snoozing, grab my Mickey pillow and fall asleep.

At first I tried to fight it and started to think of things I wanted to accomplish and realize this was one of the most important tasks of the day. The fans on either side of us rotating to keep us cool, the floor hard, but very comforting and welcoming. I grab my blanket off the recliner and am snoring in no time.

In the book, it reminds us to enjoy an afternoon nap or snuggle time to relax. Let your body rejuvenate for the upcoming week. Let yourself prepare emotionally and mentally by shutting off everything; the world, the electronics and let your body dive into the sweetness of the quiet.

We slept for over a half hour snuggled up, when my hands would get cold I would place them under her side. The two of us curled together is how we spend one part of every night.

As I previously mentioned, she would stop my nightmares and I would be hanging on to her after, afraid and shaking. Every night we still cuddle up and lay together for a while before she decides she wants her own space or lies on her back with all her paws up in the air . She then turns over and puts her paws on my back to push, it is quite comical.

When we finally began to wake up, I was feeling groggy and found the incredible energy I had within myself yesterday, now has me reviewing the rest of today’s original plan and we make some adjustments. The piano I have sitting in the centre of the back room for us to move, can wait.

These are simple things that normally before I would not be able to do. I would have to work until a project was completed. It challenged me to work on it in sections and I preferred to work until it was done, it didn’t matter how long that was or what I gave up, but not all projects are like that.

This one, the project of me, has been one of the biggest working projects and I’m sure I cannot just complete it in a day. My ideas need to become focused on the final outcome for some areas and learn to have the patience to continue on in others.

This afternoon while texting with my daughter, (I love technology here, as she is many hours away) I was able to keep her in part of my day and I was part of hers. We updated each other, I shared some photos with her of the pup with her tongue hanging, and she shared her story after her visit with her adopted senior. (I think I raised a pretty good kid)!

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I’m doing this for the ice cream!

I convey to her that I am starting to feel more like me. I have been walking the dog lots, I am working on projects in the house, and I am getting stronger if the pup and I have to be away from each other for a bit. (This normally brought on even more anxiety as I didn’t feel safe). In small doses of things, I feel like I am seeing improvements, my therapist says I am more open and transparent, I feel like life will be okay, life will be what I choose to make of it and I am going in for the Touchdown!

So today, remember to drop some of the duties you think you must do, enjoy some scenery, get rid of anything restricting you at that moment and be free.

As always, is that black under my eye, that’s not football padding, too tight spanx, bra-less Woman in Process

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I-Am-Amazing

I slept in! I am so overjoyed I cannot contain myself, this was the first night in a long while I slept so hard and wake up refreshed. Bravo! I pat myself on the back and take the dog out ready for possibilities of the day; it is 6:14am. This is sleeping in for me and I am grateful for it.

The past few weeks I have been feeling as if I am three people, (oh that’s right, I am these days), covering between me and another person we are pinballs on the machine getting all the tasks accomplished, getting home and feeling like I am a pile of Ghostbuster goo; eyes can barely stay open, the bags under them have their own luggage. I melt as if someone poured water on me, as I yell I’m melting and collapse.

My brain each day is trying to keep going, but it is getting tired and by Friday, my dyslexia kicks in full force. I can normally control it but at the point of exhaustion I can no longer keep it hidden. It is smacking me in the face.

Names and numbers are backwards and I am just trying to make it to the end of the day and then I forgot what day it is, what time it is, I am blank. We are heading out and I am thinking about tomorrow what needs to get done, that long to do list we write ourselves at work and hear, “Have a good weekend!”

Oh my, it is the weekend!

It is the moment where the light shines down from the heavens and you can hear all the angels singing hallelujah. The chorus is beautiful.

I have been challenged, knowing what day of the week it has been. I now add a pep into the dragging body to the car (that is mine, not anyone else’s; the murder tendencies didn’t come to life) and the pup and I are excited, that means walks in the park, adventures, probably ice cream in her future, maybe laundry and I think I would like to play Chardonnay Go! Much more my style.

After laughing so hard at Dena’s video she made; I think that would put the neighbors in a tizzy wondering what we were up to this time, either that or someone would have drank my wine from its hiding spot and would be wondering why there are glasses of wine everywhere? Their angels may be singing hallelujah at that time. I snort as I laugh at this.

The last time they saw us running around, the girl and I were outfitted in our nerf vests and shooting each other with darts. We had a blast and enjoyed dodging around all the vehicles on the street as our shields. I need to get an adult light up full laser set, (two); maybe that is what I should ask Santa for this year. There will be no sitting on the knee, Santa, just so we are clear.

My horoscope today had said that my natural intuition would be high, along with premonitions. Hmmm should I tell them that is my life on a daily basis, that’s any day. I guess we will see what that brings.

After searching for pictures for the past little while on living room decorating and ways to move my furniture around, I decide today that I have a plan in my head and this is how I am going to spend the day.

I shuffle book cases upstairs from the living room downstairs.(Originally, they were in this room and it was quite the sight to see, me dragging them up the stairs, maneuver the curve at the end and lift them over the dog gates; they are five shelves, one cupboard and over six feet tall. I then make the hulk sound once done and have to put my arms in the air and flex). I clean every area, laugh at all the framed pictures as I dust them and the memories they provide.

Manual labour helps me concentrate and work through my problems; when I become so perplexed on a situation, I clean. I start removing the bricks in the yard and rebuild or build new flower gardens. I am now out of garden space and will take up the wood working to replace this; everyone you will be getting a sign or gate for Christmas.

Anyways off topic, as I am bringing all the books up I want to read (I am so giddy and don’t remember when I bought them), I find a stack of magazines. I love keeping specific ones and look at them over and over; from decorating, Martha’s Halloween ones to inspirational and motivational mags. As I mentioned before books, movies and magazines; when I am very ill I can’t remember them, so it’s new every time. I still find things and make comments on how interesting that is. Mr. Jones laughs a lot here, as he is like you told me that three years ago, did I? Man I am smart, is the comment I usually give, while making a scrunched up funny face.

I sit for a few minutes and one front page that caught my eye was from Life: Beautiful; 50 reasons to be thankful this season. I am like that is awesome, I should be thankful all the time, I wonder if I read it?  Into the pages I go and realize it’s fifty words such as patience, strength, comfort, goodness, peace and gives me areas to look them up in the bible to see the verses for the inspiration.

I have to be honest, I didn’t start looking them up as my bible is in the big stack of books that need to be carried up.  There is probably a thousand of them to review and add to the shelves, but I will get there.

It triggered another area of exploration through the words. I had come to a realization from looking at it. Fear had come into my words again today, but it is from a potentially good fear, if I give it a chance. I was given a writing opportunity and have said yes, then immediately became so scared, I haven’t even written my bio, let alone the article. I am blank.

I was scared about what others may think. I was scared of failure. I was letting something slip by me, because of this fear. I was putting it off and the redecorating, that brings comfort to me, brought it out.  I felt so ashamed of myself that I felt I had reverted to months and months ago of self assessments and direction and then told myself to breathe.

Breathe out the fear, breath out the thoughts of failure, and just let it happen. What’s the worse thing? Someone doesn’t like it and makes a derogatory comment. That paralyzed me, then the words came to me from a friend in my head.

Those words made me remember, and I head to my book that I keep tucked beside my cozy bed and find the quotes I so needed. They bring me much comfort to my daily life, they have become part of the mantras as I need direction. That day someone had shared their first book with me over Starbucks coffee and conversation; I am grateful, as I had no idea how much I would use it in the future. The pages are dog eared, highlighted, the book is becoming worn because it means so much. I refocus myself.

This morning I have decided to take my leap of faith, and just do it. I have been letting so many into my little world, (hello all you people) learning to say what I need to, (love the world) being brave (I have visual all the time on this one as me the Mel Gibson version, on Be-ing Braveheart, previous post).

So here is to the next chapter about to begin. I will revoke the power I have previously given to fear, I will be fearless and the worst thing that could happen is it is not meant to be. I think…no I choose that I will rock it; I will be amazing.

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One of my favourite quotes and picture!

As always, love the fear liberating, hulk lifting, flexing, Woman in Process

 

 

Words Not Said

I was so hungry and spent the time conversing, eating and enjoying each morsel of food, I took my time and listened. We were posed a question to us to entertain and discuss after dessert; fruit and some chocolate covered possibly biscotti or a cookie, I cannot decipher.

I know my answer and I feel like I am in grade two. That day the teacher had asked if anyone had been on a plane before and who would not be attending the tour and flight. As I never had been on a plane, inside I was screaming that I wanted to go so bad and was ecstatic and on the outside I look calm and collected and said I would not be attending. I know, like why?

I cried that night because I had no idea if I should take a chance because what if I get scared or embarrassed in front of people? What if I throw up going up? What if…? I never went and regretted it my whole life. My first plane ride was when I was twenty two years old. I didn’t throw up, but was close, I did cry but luckily I didn’t pee myself (that much).

My life has been calculated; caution based with some rebel spells and major leaps and bounds. I bounced between the two, and am still scared to take chances at times. I get this overwhelming feeling that over comes me and I clam up. I have things to say but just at that moment I cannot, I am weak; it is so weird for a jabberwocky like me.

Today I never said what I wanted to and I think I missed a point of getting to know someone better, that is when my critic kicks in on how I should be or what I missed. Guess that means I will use that as my guideline to move forward in my own assessment and will ensure I start saying what I truly feel. Hmmm guess I still am afraid of what they may think of me?

We all get tongue tied at times. I didn’t want the person to know how much of a “loser” I was. When I refer to that, I have mentioned I have friends now, but it has taken me a long time before I really found them. I didn’t really fit in my whole life, but now I know why.

I was the woman who knew so many people superficially. I knew about them, their lives, jobs and would put the work face on and not be able to give of myself to them, too afraid that they wouldn’t like me when they really got to know me; too afraid of who I was, but I know that is not the case now.

Today I did take a leap of faith and had a conversation with someone on art. This person is a wonderful artist and our conversation went to how we don’t want to talk weather, sports, we want to talk to someone about something we find interesting; not idle chit chat; something more.

Our conversation made an impact on me and I will use it as a focus as I continue this manifestation on what my life looks like, what I choose.

I wonder how many people would look at me oddly if I open the conversation with something other than how are you? Enjoying the weather eh? (Remember I am Canadian, so we can add eh to anything and form a question with the right sound). If I asked do you think your turning into your mother? How many people would just open up? Maybe not the best question but it was promoted by this mirror the other day while shopping. I yell out in the store we will take three. Maybe I should get that for my girl and send it to her for a chuckle.

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I am my mother!

That may become its own area of exploration and review; am I my mother? Yup, some days I am.

My earphones are in my ears, my foot tapping, my head bobbing as I lose myself in the music and wait for my appointment. I pull out my little book to write my notes to myself in exploration; (page 1111).

We all have words at time we wished we said, normally we consider or think about those that are the negative side ones after we have been hurt, but what about all the positives ones we should be using?

The words where we should be telling someone how well they are doing, how beautiful they look, how you wish you could have that same talent as them? When are we ready to stand on the front of the Titanic and profess our true words? (Preferably not the Titanic or any version of a new one but it was the only ship I could think of this early).

Taking a leap of faith and inviting someone for a coffee and work on getting aquatainted. These will be focal points for me in the next few months, an initial guideline of transforming my life into the next stage of my caterpillar to butterfly.

If you haven’t read the Butterfly poem I posted one day, you should, it is so beautiful and when I found it, it speaks to my soul and gives me so much hope. I will just add it.

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At times I let my guard down and other times I become nervous, and second guess myself. Who else feels like this?

My ego got in the way of what I truly wanted because of fear. My self critic made his appearance and today I recognized it, and feel I can learn from it. They say the first time you start to truly see what is happening within you, that is when you begin to flourish, spread your wings.

I am thinking we all need one vision board, just for pleasing qualities, inspirations and love; everything keeps coming back to it in the thoughts of change.

Well as my day is upon me and my thoughts are mushing together, I better mush myself to the office, to see what the day will bring. I think I am just going to put it out there; I would like a more relaxed, conversational day, with limited paperwork. Okay universe, it is your turn.

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I love this posting, and had to share it from Real Simple, my messy, complicated life is under the microscope and I’m saying, I got this!

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Love always the letting her guard down, Woman in Process

P.S not quite the quiet day I had hoped for, but there was tons of laughter and french fries. We could all use some extra fries! Enjoy your weekend my pretties.