I was so hungry and spent the time conversing, eating and enjoying each morsel of food, I took my time and listened. We were posed a question to us to entertain and discuss after dessert; fruit and some chocolate covered possibly biscotti or a cookie, I cannot decipher.
I know my answer and I feel like I am in grade two. That day the teacher had asked if anyone had been on a plane before and who would not be attending the tour and flight. As I never had been on a plane, inside I was screaming that I wanted to go so bad and was ecstatic and on the outside I look calm and collected and said I would not be attending. I know, like why?
I cried that night because I had no idea if I should take a chance because what if I get scared or embarrassed in front of people? What if I throw up going up? What if…? I never went and regretted it my whole life. My first plane ride was when I was twenty two years old. I didn’t throw up, but was close, I did cry but luckily I didn’t pee myself (that much).
My life has been calculated; caution based with some rebel spells and major leaps and bounds. I bounced between the two, and am still scared to take chances at times. I get this overwhelming feeling that over comes me and I clam up. I have things to say but just at that moment I cannot, I am weak; it is so weird for a jabberwocky like me.
Today I never said what I wanted to and I think I missed a point of getting to know someone better, that is when my critic kicks in on how I should be or what I missed. Guess that means I will use that as my guideline to move forward in my own assessment and will ensure I start saying what I truly feel. Hmmm guess I still am afraid of what they may think of me?
We all get tongue tied at times. I didn’t want the person to know how much of a “loser” I was. When I refer to that, I have mentioned I have friends now, but it has taken me a long time before I really found them. I didn’t really fit in my whole life, but now I know why.
I was the woman who knew so many people superficially. I knew about them, their lives, jobs and would put the work face on and not be able to give of myself to them, too afraid that they wouldn’t like me when they really got to know me; too afraid of who I was, but I know that is not the case now.
Today I did take a leap of faith and had a conversation with someone on art. This person is a wonderful artist and our conversation went to how we don’t want to talk weather, sports, we want to talk to someone about something we find interesting; not idle chit chat; something more.
Our conversation made an impact on me and I will use it as a focus as I continue this manifestation on what my life looks like, what I choose.
I wonder how many people would look at me oddly if I open the conversation with something other than how are you? Enjoying the weather eh? (Remember I am Canadian, so we can add eh to anything and form a question with the right sound). If I asked do you think your turning into your mother? How many people would just open up? Maybe not the best question but it was promoted by this mirror the other day while shopping. I yell out in the store we will take three. Maybe I should get that for my girl and send it to her for a chuckle.
That may become its own area of exploration and review; am I my mother? Yup, some days I am.
My earphones are in my ears, my foot tapping, my head bobbing as I lose myself in the music and wait for my appointment. I pull out my little book to write my notes to myself in exploration; (page 1111).
We all have words at time we wished we said, normally we consider or think about those that are the negative side ones after we have been hurt, but what about all the positives ones we should be using?
The words where we should be telling someone how well they are doing, how beautiful they look, how you wish you could have that same talent as them? When are we ready to stand on the front of the Titanic and profess our true words? (Preferably not the Titanic or any version of a new one but it was the only ship I could think of this early).
Taking a leap of faith and inviting someone for a coffee and work on getting aquatainted. These will be focal points for me in the next few months, an initial guideline of transforming my life into the next stage of my caterpillar to butterfly.
If you haven’t read the Butterfly poem I posted one day, you should, it is so beautiful and when I found it, it speaks to my soul and gives me so much hope. I will just add it.
At times I let my guard down and other times I become nervous, and second guess myself. Who else feels like this?
My ego got in the way of what I truly wanted because of fear. My self critic made his appearance and today I recognized it, and feel I can learn from it. They say the first time you start to truly see what is happening within you, that is when you begin to flourish, spread your wings.
I am thinking we all need one vision board, just for pleasing qualities, inspirations and love; everything keeps coming back to it in the thoughts of change.
Well as my day is upon me and my thoughts are mushing together, I better mush myself to the office, to see what the day will bring. I think I am just going to put it out there; I would like a more relaxed, conversational day, with limited paperwork. Okay universe, it is your turn.
I love this posting, and had to share it from Real Simple, my messy, complicated life is under the microscope and I’m saying, I got this!
Love always the letting her guard down, Woman in Process
P.S not quite the quiet day I had hoped for, but there was tons of laughter and french fries. We could all use some extra fries! Enjoy your weekend my pretties.