I-Am-Amazing

I slept in! I am so overjoyed I cannot contain myself, this was the first night in a long while I slept so hard and wake up refreshed. Bravo! I pat myself on the back and take the dog out ready for possibilities of the day; it is 6:14am. This is sleeping in for me and I am grateful for it.

The past few weeks I have been feeling as if I am three people, (oh that’s right, I am these days), covering between me and another person we are pinballs on the machine getting all the tasks accomplished, getting home and feeling like I am a pile of Ghostbuster goo; eyes can barely stay open, the bags under them have their own luggage. I melt as if someone poured water on me, as I yell I’m melting and collapse.

My brain each day is trying to keep going, but it is getting tired and by Friday, my dyslexia kicks in full force. I can normally control it but at the point of exhaustion I can no longer keep it hidden. It is smacking me in the face.

Names and numbers are backwards and I am just trying to make it to the end of the day and then I forgot what day it is, what time it is, I am blank. We are heading out and I am thinking about tomorrow what needs to get done, that long to do list we write ourselves at work and hear, “Have a good weekend!”

Oh my, it is the weekend!

It is the moment where the light shines down from the heavens and you can hear all the angels singing hallelujah. The chorus is beautiful.

I have been challenged, knowing what day of the week it has been. I now add a pep into the dragging body to the car (that is mine, not anyone else’s; the murder tendencies didn’t come to life) and the pup and I are excited, that means walks in the park, adventures, probably ice cream in her future, maybe laundry and I think I would like to play Chardonnay Go! Much more my style.

After laughing so hard at Dena’s video she made; I think that would put the neighbors in a tizzy wondering what we were up to this time, either that or someone would have drank my wine from its hiding spot and would be wondering why there are glasses of wine everywhere? Their angels may be singing hallelujah at that time. I snort as I laugh at this.

The last time they saw us running around, the girl and I were outfitted in our nerf vests and shooting each other with darts. We had a blast and enjoyed dodging around all the vehicles on the street as our shields. I need to get an adult light up full laser set, (two); maybe that is what I should ask Santa for this year. There will be no sitting on the knee, Santa, just so we are clear.

My horoscope today had said that my natural intuition would be high, along with premonitions. Hmmm should I tell them that is my life on a daily basis, that’s any day. I guess we will see what that brings.

After searching for pictures for the past little while on living room decorating and ways to move my furniture around, I decide today that I have a plan in my head and this is how I am going to spend the day.

I shuffle book cases upstairs from the living room downstairs.(Originally, they were in this room and it was quite the sight to see, me dragging them up the stairs, maneuver the curve at the end and lift them over the dog gates; they are five shelves, one cupboard and over six feet tall. I then make the hulk sound once done and have to put my arms in the air and flex). I clean every area, laugh at all the framed pictures as I dust them and the memories they provide.

Manual labour helps me concentrate and work through my problems; when I become so perplexed on a situation, I clean. I start removing the bricks in the yard and rebuild or build new flower gardens. I am now out of garden space and will take up the wood working to replace this; everyone you will be getting a sign or gate for Christmas.

Anyways off topic, as I am bringing all the books up I want to read (I am so giddy and don’t remember when I bought them), I find a stack of magazines. I love keeping specific ones and look at them over and over; from decorating, Martha’s Halloween ones to inspirational and motivational mags. As I mentioned before books, movies and magazines; when I am very ill I can’t remember them, so it’s new every time. I still find things and make comments on how interesting that is. Mr. Jones laughs a lot here, as he is like you told me that three years ago, did I? Man I am smart, is the comment I usually give, while making a scrunched up funny face.

I sit for a few minutes and one front page that caught my eye was from Life: Beautiful; 50 reasons to be thankful this season. I am like that is awesome, I should be thankful all the time, I wonder if I read it?  Into the pages I go and realize it’s fifty words such as patience, strength, comfort, goodness, peace and gives me areas to look them up in the bible to see the verses for the inspiration.

I have to be honest, I didn’t start looking them up as my bible is in the big stack of books that need to be carried up.  There is probably a thousand of them to review and add to the shelves, but I will get there.

It triggered another area of exploration through the words. I had come to a realization from looking at it. Fear had come into my words again today, but it is from a potentially good fear, if I give it a chance. I was given a writing opportunity and have said yes, then immediately became so scared, I haven’t even written my bio, let alone the article. I am blank.

I was scared about what others may think. I was scared of failure. I was letting something slip by me, because of this fear. I was putting it off and the redecorating, that brings comfort to me, brought it out.  I felt so ashamed of myself that I felt I had reverted to months and months ago of self assessments and direction and then told myself to breathe.

Breathe out the fear, breath out the thoughts of failure, and just let it happen. What’s the worse thing? Someone doesn’t like it and makes a derogatory comment. That paralyzed me, then the words came to me from a friend in my head.

Those words made me remember, and I head to my book that I keep tucked beside my cozy bed and find the quotes I so needed. They bring me much comfort to my daily life, they have become part of the mantras as I need direction. That day someone had shared their first book with me over Starbucks coffee and conversation; I am grateful, as I had no idea how much I would use it in the future. The pages are dog eared, highlighted, the book is becoming worn because it means so much. I refocus myself.

This morning I have decided to take my leap of faith, and just do it. I have been letting so many into my little world, (hello all you people) learning to say what I need to, (love the world) being brave (I have visual all the time on this one as me the Mel Gibson version, on Be-ing Braveheart, previous post).

So here is to the next chapter about to begin. I will revoke the power I have previously given to fear, I will be fearless and the worst thing that could happen is it is not meant to be. I think…no I choose that I will rock it; I will be amazing.

image
One of my favourite quotes and picture!

As always, love the fear liberating, hulk lifting, flexing, Woman in Process

 

 

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