It’s the middle of the night and I can hear her breathe across the room. It’s way too hot for her, especially wearing a fur coat, they are not in season at this time. She struggles endlessly to find comfort, peacefulness, that is not normally her.
I can hear her struggle and have been waking up constantly to get her water and check on her as she chose the floor to sleep on. I finally decide we are heading to the basement and we try out the new bed in the girl’s old room. She is unsure, but finally stretches out and we start to relax.
The fan running beside the bed, the sounds of the basement creeping, the dehumidifier sucking the moisture from the air. I lay in the dark, and turn on my light on the phone and stare up at the ceiling. There on the old stucco ceiling are coloured glow in the dark stars and planets. I charge them with energy and then click my light off to look at them.
Each placed in their exact spot she had decided. I remember buying them all and how excited she was to add them. She was determined to put them up, she tried herself but was too short and needed aid. When we went to a new store, she decided she needed more, she needed to have her own galaxy to look up at while she lay and the planets were all in their alignment.
It was calming, yet sad in a melancholy way. How many nights did I head downstairs to tuck her in and crawl into bed with her? I remember her at seven, her reading from a list of all the reasons why she was big enough to have the room downstairs. She was brave enough, to be a room away from us and really if you look over the banister you can see her, so she is not that far away, she says. We let her have the room, her argument was very thought out. It was her passion that could help guide her.
She loved her room, she loved all her posters we framed, the endless colours we painted and eventually adding in a Car’s fan and light in, even though she was getting bigger at the time, she was still a kid. She made it her own, she made it home.
It doesn’t feel like that now as I lay there, it seems as if it was a dream so long ago. It was years, that it was her home and now, it doesn’t feel quite the same. All the posters, now hang in her condo in her living room, the furniture in her new room and a good portion of our furniture now in her place making that home.
She will be home in two weeks and I am very excited. I know she says the room feels strange now, as if she is a guest, but to us, this home was where we raised her since she was three. She is always welcomed through our doors and nothing is better than, when we see that smile as she has surprised us.
Where we played in the sprinkler in the hot summer and on the sidewalk with chalk; ran scooters down the street. Where we ran string around the house and attached it to her present from Santa, making her find it with clues from rolling up a ball of yarn. He was always so adventuresome every year, there was always a game or task. Silly Santa! She adored them.
The photos of her taken throughout the house, sitting in her pjs, making cookies and playing barbies, we built the foundation of this house on so many memories. It feels odd at times and I feel as though, I am rebuilding certain aspects of it, I am building now where I fit into life, my life.
While she was young, we let her make mistakes, we let her try to figure out the way on anything that would not hurt her. We treated her, as we wanted to be treated and listened to her ideas. I am grateful for the way she has evolved into her personality; her ideology on life, the ability she has, to give so much of herself to her job, her schooling and her volunteering.
Today, I received an email and a phone call, that my baby girl had won another scholarship. I am so proud of her, from the little girl in pig tails turning on the mixer, when she shouldn’t have, to the tall, yoga loving, running, passionate human being she has become.
I may feel sadness that the years seemed to slip through our fingertips like sand granules, but I have some incredible stories and pictures in my head; I know that she is a gift to the world and I have to share her; she was a huge gift to me and she gave me so much to live for.
So tonight as I have tears in my eyes, missing her, I have happiness to know, how blessed I was to be given such a remarkable human being to guide. I think sometimes that her old soul within, her actually guided me, into my path of learning and journey.
The pup finally slept for a bit, while this blog was burning itself into my head, until she rolled over and fell off the bed. It was quite the kaboom! Some shock to her, but the girl is alright and was able to get back into her sleep zone. Tonight, the wind is blowing and I am praying for the thunder showers to cool everything off, so she and I can have a great rest.
This weekend, I wish you the ability to enjoy the memories that are part of your life, the joy of the future with its endless possibilities and the joy of having people around you, who love you.
As always, love the melancholy, teary eyed, proud mama, the Woman in Process
P.S The photo from the top, those are my beautiful grandmas with my baby girl, when she was about three months. I was so happy, my dad and I made the trip, so my baby girl could meet them. It wasn’t that long after it seemed, that we lost Grandma Maude and Grandma Laura was quite a few years later. I was blessed to have had these two strong woman in my life, I only wished we had lived so much closer. Thank you for what you have taught me, from the awesome cooking skills I adopted, to the crafty gene. I love you both!