Monthly Archives: July 2016

The Goonies

It’s five o clock rush hour and I look like another zombie on the first day of the week. As it was an early wake up and an early ending shift I decide I have time to complete a few errands that I had for the upcoming weekend and get a head start.

Driving along to the library to pay for the  novel the pup had decided she enjoyed as well, my thoughts are all over the place. I could go here, no here. It’s too much and I realize it’s the tiredness coming through, I need to focus.

Off to the diy section I go in the library and start checking if there is anything new, what can I learn. With the internet at hand, it’s challenging at times, but to flip through the pages of a book, is pretty old school, maybe I will just call it retro reading.

Into my next favourite area I proceed, sliding my hands down the murder mystery books I think about the theory of each of the books I have read and ask myself, could I write a murder mystery? Immediately my inner voice says yes, and the plot starts to outline itself in my head.

A murder, and where would it take place? Who is involved? What would be my weapon of choice? What is the reasoning; a hundred ideas pass through my mind. As I bring myself back to reality, it’s time to head on to my next destination for paint for my project and then decide I need something cool to take home from 7-11, as it is  7/11 today.

Today would have marked my grandmothers birthday and the irony was all over the grassy area; Feathers laying everywhere, I know she is listening, so happy birthday grandma. я люблю тебя (I love you) it’s the first Russian words she taught me and I think of that day often and me with the mumble jumble sounds coming out trying to perfect it. I practiced it often and still do.

As I am thinking about her today, my emotions and I feel icky, hot, tired and the feelings of being a big menopausal and pmsing woman; I figure simplicity is best, no chocolate though today.

I have no desire to cook, and it’s a fend for myself kind of night. (I know Mr. Jones won’t mind). I know the food is not that appealing but in it’s own way it also serves the purpose and I enjoy dinner from the convienence store; taters and wings. A great combo to go with a beverage of choice; plus they truly are best when they are cold.

As I leave a dog is protecting its car from someone walking by and her and I jump back. In the distance as I watch the sun starting to go down, I giggle, six young teenaged men riding their bikes away with their slushies.

It’s the Goonies! I am sure they are not on an adventure of searching for treasure but I like to pretend they are and begin to write their story as I drive. Each of them on their bmx bikes laughing, talking and being together.

On the route home, I decide I will make sure I wear the wings off on an adventure walk in the neighbourhood with my pup. Tonight I will work on zoning in my day, dreaming and designing my murder tendencies. This could also mean losing myself later in a good book.

The next two days pass in a whirlwind, attending a class, my brain is mush after and I am trying to focus on another avenue; it is truly challenging.

So today I am going to put myself into an adventure movie, decide what I would like the ending to be and see how I can maneuver through the challenges without breaking a sweat and reap the victory. I will be working on the manifestation of all the good things I choose that I would like to come into my life.

I swear by mantras and use them often to harness the energy and thoughts together, now I really need to bump it up to the next level. Some days I am amazing on it and then that one day and one thought takes everything down the slump and I smack myself in the face.

How do you manifest? How do you keep yourself focused without the nasty self critic deciding to input their whole theory and you end up declining in your success?

When I was in high school, I played basketball, it was my favourite sport. At just about 5″6 (I could jump high) I played centre and forward positions normally. Our coach at the time would work with us visualizing what we wanted; close your eyes, see yourself dribble better, she had us concentrate on making the points and watching ourselves be successful. Now your asking did we win many games? Nope not a lot, hardly any, but I could score some excellent shots and found a new way each day to practice.

I used it emencely in my life then and continued to do it for every sport I wanted, to get the jobs I wanted and life in general. Somewhere along the line I forgot, and went into the working coma of the living dead, get up, shower, brush teeth, complete work day, go home, have supper, bed and then start again.

This is part of why I started working on small tasks as well for my calendar. Every day was turning into the same. Every day I could not remember anything significant. I was drifting along the river without taking the paddle and guiding where I wanted to go. Did I know where I wanted to go? You can see certain avenues of my life at this time that I am repairing because I had no major input, I chose to drift.

I didn’t have the ability for so long because I had no will, no will to keep going for a while, no will to make a difference, no will to be part of my own life. I know, I am not alone. I can see the looks on others faces at times that I think they are on the same program I am, the work till I die program.

Yet knowing there is more for me, knowing I can work on seeing the great things I want to happen in my head and being grateful for them; working on developing my future through my own thoughts, I think I will change the original program and start paddling.

Today I am asking you what do you want from your life? Do you want to guide it or watch it drift by? Today I will be a Goonie and my adventure will end with success.

As always have a great hump day and share your mantras, I would love to learn them.

Love the visualizing, burying my self critic with a shovel, Woman in Process

BFF- Soul Sisters

My shoes sit by the door. I am waiting always excitedly, as my Bff is on her way for an adventure day together. Both of us dealing with crap that keeps coming to us on paper plates, we would prefer them on silver trays; but that is not our lives, so oh well, but that will change when we win our lottery.

We figure a day of who knows, is just what we need. You never know what we will be up to, from the standard hanging, shopping to running a golf cart off of something or into something? Ummm alcohol may have been a factor in that event or every time we are in a golf cart alcohol is a factor. It just goes hand in hand.

We met just about ten years ago; both became part of a group to work on giving back in volunteer work. Both of us new to the group, afraid and then one by one we slowly met others and made connections and friends.

If you asked me back then before joining who my friends were, I didn’t really have any. I knew other moms from our children being friends but my friends had moved and some I had lost connections with as I worked and had my family to care for as they grew.

I laughed when she told me the first time she had seen the way I was at an event (that must have been crazy) and said I’m going to be friends with her; I had done the same thing (she seemed so together, so smart, so kind) and something said she will be my friend.

So many things in common, so much different, it’s a great balance, and always the sound of so much laughter. Just ask her of the time we are rocking out to head to a function and she looks over and I have a lighter lit singing away. We laughed for so long and couldn’t stop, tears rolling down our faces.

Thats why I love her so. We cry together, we pick each other up, I think she picks me up way more and we make everything fun; from building wreaths, baking, decorating, you name it. Time with her are moments I love, moments that I treasure.

The days I’m bad, no worries she still comes over and crawls into my bed and we watch movies and laugh. That key word keeps coming up; we laugh.

Life can be so serious all the time and laughing is the break we get of all the thoughts consuming our minds. For all of us, we get to the point where one day we don’t care what others think of us; we may get strange looks but once you hit that magical age you say, I get it!

I did that recently with others. Our twenties we were always caring what others think, the teens that was hell on hormones, (nothing else to say here) the thirties we needed to make a name for ourselves, respectful, compassionate, hard working and our forties how do you describe it?

You feel free-more than we ever have before. Lost in the forest in some ways with the constant changes, but free from giving a crap about things that don’t matter, don’t nourish our souls. The younger girls give us odd looks and I laugh, and think just wait, you will understand one day.

That day is when each woman has a new appreciation for the others, a new compassion, a new sense of herself, and her friendships become more whole.  As I write this we are hanging out in the pedicure chairs relaxing, reading and will head out with pretty toes for the next thing on our list.

We spend hours walking, wandering, talking to little shop owners and I realize how bad I do want to move to the next step in my life, time will tell my destiny though, if it’s meant to be.

I stand in front of where I think my next path  will go and begin to design it in my head. As we leave there is a man in a wheelchair and he asks for money for groceries. I always run by the feelings I get and my angels ask me to share at that moment; I have a small chat with the man and share.

As we walk there is electricity building as I meet people. A small white and green shop with bubble gum pink shelves is so adorable, it houses more of majestic and healing articles. I love the witch when I walk in and I am drawn to the rocks as always and pick one up.

My arm feels as if this huge surge of electric curtain runs up it and my hand feels as if it is vibrating. I pay for my rock, this shop owner and I have something in common, I am not sure what for sure but feel it. We chat for a while and I ask her name and introduce myself. Not sure what was happening but it feels as if our paths were meant to cross and will again in the future for something specific.

I look at what the rock means and laugh; it is reflection. It obviously was calling me to it; it must be my word for this year.  Over my coffee this morning, I sit and hold my pinkish coloured rock. I still feel the energy, the warmth, the vibration. I focus on finding more about it. If you know anything about it please share, I would be grateful.

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Yesterday, every piece of my mind, soul and emotion were connected and functioning together, I became emotional over signs that I read and felt, I was different and then we had some laughing moments over déjà vu; we are connected.

It was the perfect day! Today I am tired, but a happy tired; thinking of what I should be doing and instead deciding what I will do for my slow and quiet adventure today. I think I may just use today to reflect on life, on meanings I see everywhere and see if something else decides to cross my path, if it’s a black cat I will howl with laughter.

As I was tearing up with many Winnie the Pooh quotes and my Bff is the same; here is one for her.

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Gotta love Winnie!

As always I wish you a blessed Sunday, and today my angels and I are sharing hugs around the globe, so wherever you are, hugs from me and if you need more than one, no problem I have lots to share.

Love always the Winnie loving, rock searching, witchy, Woman in Process

P.S.I am the one on the left, my bff on the right.

 

 

My Ugly Feet

Its early as always, my internal alarm clock  hits an early hour as if the sun is peaking under my eye mask and my eyes flick open. It’s Saturday and I wish I could sleep in for a little bit before I get up, but then again I hate to waste the day away as I find I am most productive in the morning.

While others are sleeping I have laundry, cleaning, painting, yard work all done and am sitting with my coffee admiring the work. Thinking, yup I was able to do that. Man I rock!

Those moments I relish in to remind myself of what I can do when I feel good. It’s an anchor like a rope attached pulling me back to where I feel like I can accomplish anything; I can dream.

I was recently reading about how we all compare ourselves to the old us, the ones who could run for miles, the one who could  be adventuresome, the one who was smaller and had to sit and think about that. Do I do that? Do I speak in pre-chronic illness and after?

I realized at times I certainly do. I speak to my daughter, that I use to run miles, play tennis and bike ride for hours, this was before the mobility issues, before the shaking, before the loss of eyesight and all the other wonderful things that happen. You feel like one of those commercials; may cause, drowsiness, fainting, spasms, loss of feeling, mobility loss, bladder loss, etc., etc.

I then began to question, does my mind set on this, affect what I can do now? I was 27 when they told me I had holes in my left side of my brain. My comic in me says that’s where the info I keep forgetting goes.

I remember how depressed I was, but how much of a fight I had. The day’s wobbled between the two. I remember how I just kept going, but would cry in frustration as I couldn’t walk far, my shaking would be too much or I had to sleep more, I kept going. I remember people thinking she cannot work anymore, and I would remind them that just because my body was slowing down didn’t mean my mind was, I kept going.

It is sixteen years later, and it felt like yesterday that I had to journal every day the symptoms for the doctor, and I wondered would things get better or worse? If you ask me now, it was both in different ways.

The days that it knocked me right down was like getting a hard sucker punch and I was laid out, the other days I learned to adapt, and cope. I learned that adapting was the only way, and if I let it consume me, life would not be wonderful. Life would not be what I wanted.

So I tried, I learned, I found tricks to help and I started to listen to my body more that I ever have. I found a nightcap at night would allow my muscles to relax and my body to adjust overnight. I learned that when my mind is foggy, I need to have some alone time and use mints and aromatherapy to help calm the chaotic feelings inside. I learned to juice for my health, walk as much as I can when my body allows me and to work that core to help the days when the muscles are so bad.

Then I kept realizing I said I learned and adapt over and over. These were the two key words in my life. These were the two key words of my future.

There will always be a day that regardless of what I want to do I cannot, but maybe in a week or two I can. There are days that I know something I did once, my body cannot do it anymore, so I have now gone to asking is it because you cannot do it, is that why you are upset or because it was a passion?

If it’s passion you will always find a way. If it’s not, then I need to ask myself if I was really any good at it and if so to still find a way to pursue it then and if I sucked at it, maybe it’s time to let it go and put that on my Buddha board to the universe.

This week I have worked hard on releasing some of my fears, especially the fear of not getting back up again when the mobility in my legs go. I put it out there and feel somewhat freed now to not think of it or let it consume me. Yes, I know it will still pop in my mind but I will request for guidance each time it does to find peace, I don’t want it to be a focus of my future.

Today my ugly feet that I have not liked my whole life I am giving a new appreciation to. For something I thought was so ugly, they have been been a part of the foundation of my ability to keep going. They are a rock, wide and knarled to keep me upright, to hold me as I stumble and fall, to make me think I still have more left in me each day that I accomplish a full day.

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As I am numb from my head to my toes, I will adapt again this week in how I walk, the shoes I wear and how long I walk for. Mind you I am a bit competitive and give myself a goal of 10000 steps each day; if I feel bad I do what I can and rock the other days.

Now if only Lola Ramona would design me some shoes for the bad days, life would be even sweeter and more colourful. In the meantime if I find everything is way too hard, I will take an alternative route and cry and be upset for the little time I allow myself, then fix myself back up and say what the hell! I got this!

I will adapt and I will learn. I think I may add one more word to that section, I will succeed at whatever the future holds for me. Life is an adventure!

Love always the numb, adapting, be-ing brave, Woman in Process

P.S those really are my big feet. I was told once that was the largest big toe anyone has ever saw, I told them I read that it showed I was exceptionally intelligent. Appreciate your feet and be kind to yourself, love yourself.

 

 

Field of…

I have started on this blog a tiny bit at a time. I was just feeling off for the past while and am working on my mending; can’t  keep a good woman down.

The photo in the top, do you see a field of dandelions or a field of dreams and possibilities?

The house is hot, so hot; it’s as if we are living in our own personal sauna. The weather is gorgeous, the evenings not cool enough, but I know to appreciate this as the cooler days are around the corner.

I lay in my bed dreading the alarm song that will be telling me it is time to start the day and I just would just prefer to sit in the yard, watching the butterflies on the wind and the birds in the feeder and bath, partying as they enjoy the season.

I am looking forward to the time I can be at home full time, and just be. Be with my thoughts, cooking, reading; just taking it all in and finding new interests. I feel the days getting closer (that equates to still a few more years lol).

With some of the changes I see in my body, stress, my heart rate, I know changes are coming and feel I am adjusting day by day and when they are meant to be it will be not as hard of a transition.

I would like to take the lessons from the pup; the time to run around the yard crazy and jump from the deck, sleep in the sun and dance in the rain or the sprinkler, a very simple life yet so fulfilling.

I decided I needed to review the aspects of what a simple life means. Into the pages on the Internet and Pinterest I go, checking out websites, information and anything that may relate.

As I read all the articles, I begin to think back; days on the farm, nothing really to do (I was young so couldn’t lift much then), hanging or playing with my friends, listening to the same record over and over because that’s all we had.

Reading magazines, books and comics; I use to grab those from my brothers room; Archie and still snuggle up in bed with them. We would read the same book or comic endlessly and laugh at all the same parts.

There were not all the electronics, the phone line was shared with neighbours, (it was as if someone was always listening in so our conversations would get pretty weird till we heard the click) it really was a very simple time, thinking back it was comforting. I now question, a simple life is really just the same as my younger years? Loving the things now that maybe at one time you wished for so much more, expected more, realizing that what you had was truly enough.

As we age and start to see the importance of life we become less focused on the items or things that at one time we needed so desperately. We put more time into curling up with the an adventuresome book to expand our minds, and less time hanging out at the mall. Mind you the mall I hung out as a kid I believe had six stores maybe, a fast food place, (oh those onion rings) and the perfect little dispensary of malt ice cream in the centre (I’m just big boned now).

I see people beginning to barter more, others refurbishing what is out there for furniture and the clothing is coming back in style. I am so sorry I let some of it go before it came back in. People are more excited to own land, a farm, enjoying the lakes and cabins all around us. It is a wonderful thing to see. Now how do I get rid of my work phone?

I find I go shopping to only a few places that I seem to keep on my listing. I don’t really go out and buy clothes and shoes, I have lots. I seem to just keep picking up toys for the dog as she chews her way through the teething phase and treats she always says she needs those for her and the cats.

So my question to you is what do you see as a simple life? What tips do you have that make your life easier, more serene and more grateful? I am on quite the path as I explore more and am curious to hear what others think. I like taking all the information I find and dissecting it to figure out a new appreciation.

The time that maybe was not great for me, my younger years, has begun to bring out some fonder memories;  mostly of hanging out with my dad on the Sunday’s with him cooking and some crazy things I did with friends. Sunday was our day and one that I always looked forward to. The one I seem to be missing a lot, is walking down the trail in the field, listening to the trees rustling and feeling so small in such a big space. You could dance and sing so loud and no one would notice. It was also a tranquility space for the time I spent with my thoughts.

I see a road trip to the farm coming soon, am I feeling more like this as my parents are aging or starting to feel a loss to the connection? I will put those into more of my thoughts as I explore.

The pup is always enjoying the watering of the flowers. She gets right in and dances in the rain.

Love always the exploring, dissecting, Woman in Process