Monthly Archives: August 2016

Gratitude of Darkness

This weekend was one of pain, laughter and a half day of relaxation, which felt like I had so many more hours than I did. I have been thinking about the season, as the leaves are falling on me, the rain continues and begin to think about all the things I love about fall, or maybe it’s the things I love today, everyday!

Instead of writing about the weekend itself, I decided to just list the things I am grateful for, the things that seem to make me stop and say wow.

Waking up to a dark sky and not having to get up and run to work. My comforter being pulled up tight and having the time to  just lay there in the dark, to take in and love the moment.

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Fresh ground coffee, with of course, baileys! It is Sunday morning. I do like my coffee very hot.

Mr. Jones making me eggs for breakfast, cooked in a garlic olive oil. Delicious!

The pup turning more gentle, kind and loving. This morning when I ran to the facility, I came back into the room and she had jumped up and crawled into the bed for morning snuggles, (or she was cold), I was so excited, as normally she waits till the last minute to come up and then we only get a couple minutes before we start the day. Today, we got a whole half hour of snuggle time and giving tummy rubs then she falls back asleep in my arms. True love!

After spending the summer, with a cool shower, the weather has taken a turn down a few notches and my girlfriend said her furnace started the other night. I am so grateful for the hot shower, I stood in it for a very long time. Dear hot water, I missed you so, welcome back.

A home project that Mr. Jones and I can work on together. We broke our rolly Polly, I have called it this, since I was a kid, (that’s a lazy Susan), so we had to add a shelf and do some maneuvering. It prompted a complete reorganization of some items in the kitchen and it is much more efficient, a place for everything. This is perfect for me as I am a labeller junkie.

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The cupboard fits one man or 222 cans.

Buying organization items; always love purchasing new things to organize and adapt to us. The wooden box I purchased, even has the writing, thankful and grateful on it. I, of course had to get it and put my collection of olive oil and vinegars in it. I love this collection, it’s amazing to cook with, now my crafting head starts creating recipes.

Making lemon poppy seed muffins and chocolate chip cookies, of course my recipe with the oatmeal and coconut. Don’t forget eating them to, that is a highlight reel!

Turkey in August. A great turkey breast roasted, cooked with vegetables from the Farmers Market. Thank you farmers, for putting this meal on my table. Dessert was fresh peaches from the orchard and cookies.

Heading back to Michaels for a few more clearance items and finding that the same items are there, no one else bought any of them! My marquee was changed for our evening movie night. I am Geek!

Scoring in finding a couple of things for Christmas gifts already and purchasing them. There is one off my list already. Not to mention the few items I already have for  all the kids, wait, I think I have four done! The realization you are even more ahead of the game!

The daily amenities, that make life so much easier for us, from dishes, to my laundry machines, to my vacuum. Picture it -40 and having to beat your rugs. Thank you Dyson!

Friends who remind you, things are going to be okay, as your anxiety is hitting an all time high. The pup has to be spayed this week, so I go from tears to worry, to it will be alright. She means the world to me, and I have taken, an extra day off with the long weekend to wait on her and help her stay relaxed. Here is to a speedy recovery and healthy recovery.

Finding a new show that Mr. Jones and I are taking the time to watch it together. I love these moments; it’s an hour we sit and laugh and you hear a lot of what, no, I can’t watch (that’s me), we have to watch the next one. Did you see that coming?

Sitting in a quiet home in the morning, both reading our news and seeing what happened in the world overnight (which sure can be a lot).

Enjoying cartoons you watched with the kids.

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The list is endless and previously I have mentioned, how I have to find the beauty or the gratefulness of things each day. This week, I am struggling walking still and my body is hitting its annual crash. This mean complete loss of my mobility in my legs, not being able to get up and I will end up in bed for a bit. I have been reminding people I am fine, I got this.

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I have a massage booked here on Saturday, and am hoping I can make it to that date and then start recovering. I know it gets worse before better, so I just may remind you of things you forgot were items to be happy about, things we may have taken for granted.

This week, take the moment to look around, to see what you have, the people there, to feel even more blessed and appreciate it all.

We are officially entering the season of thankfulness.

Love the blessed, grateful, Woman in Process

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Tips & Tricks

You see the title, you are thinking what the heck is the witch talking about today while stirring her cauldron? No Halloween tips yet. Hmmm, though I would be most happy giving those, as its the greatest time of the year!

Today I am curious about what tips and tricks you use that help you get through depression, PTSD and chronic illness, any illness. I have been relooking at all of my tips, the way I deal with it and am curious on others. Maybe there is something I could learn or try that might be a huge benefit to me or me to you.

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Here are my top ones.

  • I juice, I do this when I am getting weak and need assistance and energy. (I use to do it daily). I also use a beet juice recovery drink that helps me bounce back it actually tastes great.
  • I use compression socks when my mobility is challenged and when travelling. Just a quick note they are bright fuschia, and help my legs recover. I need an orange pair next! Oh, and then blue!
  • I cry and laugh and let myself acknowledge the feelings, I try my best to not let my self critic judge me, sometimes easier said than done.
  • I use Japanese mint on my muscles, and when I don’t have it, or have run out I use A535 and feel like I am a Golden Girl when I head to work. Now I need some jasmine perfume. Just saying one of my favourite shows!
  • I walk, it needs to be out of town at times, so I can write the stories in my head and feel free, no sounds but leaves crunching, twigs snapping and hearing our own breath or the dog panting as she plays out quickly. As I look her breed up, yup doesn’t like much activity, that explains everything.
  • I bend into downward dog all the time to loosen my shoulders and try to keep my neck in place. It’s quite the story of damage, from a make shift hurdle, a saw horse and a fall.
  • While standing you may see me moving into a Tai Chi movement, or another method, to keep circulation flowing. In the morning I need to do them, as I look like a crab going down the stairs, it’s quite comical.
  • I aim to get a monthly massage, I have to, or I seize up and cannot walk. She is so good to me, she knows how to have my muscles respond and I feel like after it, I need a cigarette or a drink. If I am really tense, I have a drink before I go and Mr. Jones takes me, occasionally two. It helps me relax faster and she can get into the muscle quicker and more efficiently without me constantly tensing up. Yes, sometimes my appointment is at 9 am, so just add baileys to the coffee! It truly is 5 o’clock somewhere!
  • Meditation, reflection and just absolute silence at times are golden.
  • I laugh a lot, did I mention that? A  bit of a prankster and feel the weight lift from laughing, or I call it a roar. I let it all out. Throw the head back and laugh from the bottom of your diaphragm.
  • I make big sighs when no one is around and then shake myself up some. Just making sure all my jiggly parts are still there!
  • I squeeze and kiss the face of that great big wrinkle dog and yell she’s so fluffy!
  • When I can’t shop or go out, I watch fun movies, lots of happy ones, just saying, Princess Diaries is at the top of my list, as my girl and I watched it so many times. I shop online adding everything I like, making little wish lists (no purchasing, as I am not in the correct frame of mind) I also just lay there at times, listening to the fan and sleep. Sleep is a saviour.
  • I have mountains of books to read and keep them close by. I always love a good murder mystery or a good love story.
  • I splurge on new pyjamas, to make me feel better, and new slippers. I am usually in them as soon as I get home from work. I am like Bruce Almighty, I think my massage lady thinks the same too when I get in there!
  • The biggest, I try to not make too many plans, I try to make some small ones, but not every evening or weekend, I give myself space and try to look at what I choose to do, and not do them because of duty.

This is the time I look after me, me completely. I dream, I journal and I drink a lot of tea. I have quite the selection of loose tea. Investment here is great, throw some in your cauldron or you can hold a great cup in your hand and look out the window day dreaming. Great dreams, can become a reality.

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Love always, the cauldron stirring, tea toting, Woman in Process

P.S looking back, I talk a lot about drinking! Yup that’s me! I found this witch from http://www.theholidaybarn.com she has my name! I may have to order myself one. Check her out.

The crazy witch is now on Instagram.

Channeling Gandalf

I told you I was a geek, a nerd, loved my movies and the lines that I keep in my head  to play over and over and make myself laugh. Usually this takes place at the most embarrassing moments, but this is me. Yup I am embarrassing!

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As I was taking my shovel outside, the long spade, I immediately start to laugh, as I felt like Gandalf high on the mountain; reality sits in and I am shovelling a pile of dog shit. This is a little less spectacular, and no rainbows are coming out of her, all sixty pounds, but I still played my role and did the though shall not pass line as she is chasing around me, running crazy while I keep myself upright on the shovel. Zip zip, she is everywhere.

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I immediately thought of something and had to get the shed keys to find my treasure. A few years ago, one of the maintenance men that worked with me had an incredible talent. At the time I had no idea until one day he came in and told me he had a gift for me. I was shocked; shocked that he thought of me and shocked that he had put the time into such an item to create for me.

He passes me this long gnarled and twisted stick, and explains how he creates them, carves them and thought this might help keep me up higher when I am hiking and have to take the MS with me (I would prefer not to as it weighs down the backpack). He told me how much he admired my drive, that everytime I was getting knocked down, I kept going and got back up. image.jpeg

He made me tear up and I was so grateful that he shared such talent and genuine kindness towards me. I was too afraid to use it then, too afraid I may break it, destroy it and wanted to preserve it, and hid it covered in my she-shed.

While using the shovel to hold myself up, I remembered it and had to pull it out of its safe place. Tucked in with two more, as he decided I needed a daily walking stick and two for hiking, I took it out and looked at such raw talent. I am still in awe.

I will use my walking stick to hold me high, when everything is pulling me down. I will use it to keep myself climbing the mountains and appreciating the scenery and I will use it as hope; hope that each day, I keep moving on.

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It’s so beautiful and tomorrow, as I need some assistance, I will use it and share the story and appreciation for a man so kind.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for such a precious gift.

As always, the high walking, Gandalf loving, Lord of the Woman in Process

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Oh yes, that is me!

As snow will probably be in our future here in the upcoming months, I thought Gandalf up to his neck in it, is a great symbol for the days I feel so suffocated and trapped. What I remind myself, is it will always melt, usually with heat, love and kindness.

 

 

Awkward Bird

I found the start of this blog and the feelings I had and thought it was perfect for today.

We all know the story of the ugly duckling waddling along, just being themselves and the trials and tribulations they experienced. How about the awkward duckling, he could be similar?

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Lately, I have been asked again each time people see me how are you feeling? I look down while on my cane briefly, but I am trying to come up with the most amazing answer because I am more than the scars I have, I am me.

The last two weeks after the talk I gave I was asked what was it about? Unfortunately I cannot really describe it To you. I am asked a few more questions and finally look up and answer PTSD, yup there is that look.

The look of holy crap, face freeze and now what the hell do I say to her? I hear a lot of ummmm. I make people awkward, but they make me awkward too.

Standing in line at lunch, someone asks how I am feeling? Fine. You were dealing with some health problems are they all looked after? I’m managing and adapting. Doing anything for holidays? No, not really. You? The standard small talk awkward conversation.

This is my world. It may look small,  but trust me it is vast and there is so much more. Ask me instead of how I am feeling, how did it feel like to complete the talk, was it what you expected, what inspires me now? Please ask me anything but how I am feeling?

The answer I will give you is for your benefit. It is an awkward, simple response to make you think I am ok, right now I am not.

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As I awoke at what I thought was 3am,  I was so disappointed to find out a couple minutes later that it was 6am, as the alarm starts it’s incredible shrieking. Where is my hammer?

I attempt to move my body and just as I suspected, last week had caught up with me and the tears of pain begin. I remind myself, as I spend the morning crying, I got this, I can do it, and fall apart, but keep getting ready.

My mascara is on and I finish what I have to, I kind of look like I grabbed the first items I saw in my closet and haphazardly threw them on. I really didn’t, I am limited to the items today’s I need comfort; baggy top, I am swollen, shorter pants, so I don’t trip and I have to wear my shoes with their insoles, my right leg is dragging, they are not attractive by any means, and do not have bows, nor are they pink. They are depressing.

After spending last week in heels, running like a mad scientist, my body is done. I had a limited time card, just like on my games and had used up all the energy, I passed go but also did not get to collect $200. I need to find the recovery process, and soak it all up for the time being, I wonder where Mario put that mushroom.

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I understand the looks I get from those, who look at my face and eyes, (not to mention my hunch over) yes, I do look that dreadful, I have been zomified and it is only Monday. After venturing home and laying on the floor to cry from the pain, I made it through one more day. I look across and there is my pup laying beside me, licking at me, trying to make me feel better. Awe I appreciate that, she loves me just the way I am, broken and all; either that or she smells the treats I had.

Let us be honest, it turned out to be a two donut day and I am not sorry, I think I wore it off last week and feel some days I just need to give in to the temptation, the sadness. It was a mentally, mind boggling, manic Monday and tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow may only be a one donut kind of day or a tasty Tuesday kind of day.

My optimism is in there, but for tonight I think I may find my inner Tarzan and play a game I can yell at, this way no one thinks otherwise, but reality is I have my finger in the air waving it at my MS and telling it where to go, you can’t keep me down, nothing can.

Please note most breakdowns, often happen when no one is around, it can cause extreme hunger, or emotional eating, ingestion of sugar or caffeine, not limited to over eating and sarcasm and foul language, nudity can happen but usually if I can’t get my pants on, or fall over. At this point in my world, I have to laugh at myself.

Love always the donut eating, finger waving, Woman in Process

Spooktacular Witch is testing out this Instagram goodies. You can find her under that name.

 

 

 

Shitoday

It’s my new word for today. Let’s be honest, there are days that we do everything we can to bring ourselves up and nothing works. The dog is obnoxious, your jobs driving you nuts and your cat just unloaded her bladder all over her bed and as you are writing your thinking what the f— is on my phone.

It is a day of absolute craziness, nothing will go your way and you want to throw your hands in the air and lose it. Throw the vacuum through the window and say be done with it all. Your tired, you need rest and there is no end in sight. So today, screw the niceness, of what I normally say, today is a shitoday!

The catch is everything that you want to respond to, you are going to do it all in your head, not physically and not verbally to others, however you need to respond to it. Take a moment, let it unfold in your head, accept that it’s shitoday and then move on to the next issue.

Crush everything in your mind, let yourself have the moments you need, the venting into the pillow, beating into it, silent yelling into it or my favourite, I stop, pause, close my eyes, visualize and have the most sinister smile when I open them. Things are blowing up like 007 in my head and I walk away from it all, please pass my martini.

I will get through the items today and I am sure something will make me smile (oh god I hope) at some point. I’m even too tired to cry and give in.

I am heading back to work and will duct tape a pillow to the back of my office door, so that my head banging on it will not be too loud, I hate to disrupt anyone. I will do my duty and accept all the feelings that are happening today, (what else can I do?) and then continue on. I say, everything is out of alignment, one of my stars must be beating up on another and something will change here shortly and goodness will come from it. It will right?

Maybe I am kidding myself, but in the meantime, you can refer to me as, Mrs. Bond. If you get to the other side of the shitoday with a smile in the end, a huge high five from me or if we do this Bond style, a subtle glass in the air, and a sideways glance.

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If not, I will meet you on the boat deck with my scotch, cigar and our visuals.

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Wow, that is sure how I feel!

As always, when will the shitoday end, more laundry and clean up to do, Woman in Process

P.S exactly what I thought. One hour with my ninja co-worker and we are peeing ourselves laughing. Awesome!

 

 

 

Scream & Shout

I know you are starting to sing it in your head. “I want to scream and shout and let it all out.”

I sing this often especially when it feels as though things are tough, but today there was a new method to my madness. I dusted off my games and set it up on the Xbox to play Grabbed by the Ghoulies. Yup an oldie! We had bought it for the girl to play on the original one and I have not played it, until today.

It is the day, with my controller in hand, I beat the pulp out of the skeletons and roared, over over with many profanities. It brings out my aggression but I can kick some ass and mediatate after, to take me down from my serial killer tendencies. Yes I really said that, you know we all posess some traits.

I beat on the skeletons, I yelled, I swore, my hands ache from squeezing the controller so hard and I feel so much better. I am big on letting your inner anger out. When my daughter was younger and had a build up, she used her damn it doll and then felt better. Nothing has changed, when I would beat up on the dummy at boxing, I felt relieved. Aggressive sports, bring out my cave woman style and I will clobber something with my club.

I am picturing myself in my fur, barefoot and grunting, it’s not a pretty sight, but one fairly funny visual. We all have an underlying temperament that once in a while we need to let it loose, on something that is fun, or does not cause harm.

I would like to go try the paint guns and see how much fun that is. Just saying I will ensure, I am dressed like Rambo for that day.

Mr. Jones was laughing at my slur of obscenities and how I mushed them together. He comments, apparently you need to do this more often. I feel spent, as I cancel the game, I have had enough; the Ghoulie laughs at me and the dog’s head pops up looking around. This game made my afternoon.

Life is about enjoying so many things, and some days we go through the constant motions without taking it in. I have lost some years of my life to this, due to the MS and the PTSD. It soaked everything out of me, like wringing out a cloth and now I feel, as though there is some life there, I don’t feel as limp.

Let us hope it is not alien life, as that’s a whole other blog, but a new life, one I am trying to be conscious of every day. I have always wondered when people said they were reborn after rehab or some major life altering situation, what did they truly mean? I think I get it.

As I armed the kitchen with sliced vegetables, cheeses and meats not to mention all the sauces; I am cutting and working myself into my old routine. The one where all the kids and friends were coming for dinner. It is one of our hottest days of the year, but after a good meal; homemade pizza, use Guinness for the dough as it makes it amazing; and some laughter out on the deck, my physical and mental state is spent and I sack out for a full night sleep, something that does not happen often. I feel content and wake up smiling for another day to begin.

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While soaking it all in this morning, I know how blessed I was yesterday, I just don’t think they know how much it meant to me; so for this year, another goal is to make more time for family time, even with the distance between everyone. Life is changing, but I think it’s finally changing for the good now, or maybe it was to make sure I saw all the wonderful things around me? That I will never be sure on the reason, but know it’s one stepping stone to greatness.

 

Love always, the pizza making, where’s my chef hat, marshmallow throwing, Woman in Process

P.S the marshmallow story is quite funny, the looks on everyone’s face was the real priceless moment.

My recipe for the dough, says one cup Guinness, but when it’s hot, it’s more like one and a half to two cups. Apparently it was thirsty too!

 

 

About Moi

As my writing lately seems so heavy and so releasing at the same time I thought I would spend today on something really different, quirky and geeky.

I named Mr.Jones his name from Amy Winehouses’s Me & Mr. Jones song, as I loved it so. Plus with my maiden name and married name both, people cannot say them correctly and if you saw them you would laugh trying to pronounce them, so it seemed like a good idea to keep it simple as well. Reality, both names look like part of amalgamated swears and regular words, if you change one letter. Those that know me are writing it out.

While going through my bootcamp therapy, Amy’s voice filled my house steady while I would lose myself in my thoughts, my paintings. She was a very talented creative soul.

Bif Naked’s song I love myself today has become my theme song especially when things are rough, I crank it up and sing it at the top of my lungs. I used her song, before I gave my talk in May on life, wow that was just about three months ago, time is flying by.

When asked where I was (lots do not know) or what my talk was on, I just say PTSD now, it’s something we need to know more about, as so many are dealing with it. My learning curve has been living it, I know there is a reason, I tell myself that. Crappy days still make in hard, please pass the potato chips. I’m also an emotional eater.

My go to for sweets is my chocolate chip cookies, cooked my way, and I admit I cannot control myself to one, once they are on the pan cooling, they call my name endlessly. I give in, there is no willpower there but, I love all baking. I think I am a better baker than cook, but Mr. Jones can tell you for sure.

The endless references and lines I use are from years of sci fi shows we watched. It was our family time and ask me do I know all the words to Buffy’s, Once More With Feeling. You know the answer, the cd is in the house and for a light night Mr. Jones puts the episode on for us and my favourite line is they got the mustard out! I always giggle.

20th Century Fox opening I have to do the wa wa wa wa, the same as Ralph Wiggum, every time.

Matt Damon, I have to say his name the same as Team America if I hear it. I cannot let it go and doesn’t matter where I am.

Mr. Jones hooked me into My Dad Wrote a Porno, I blew beverage out, when I heard some of the lines.

My daughter is my hero, and I see how much she inspires me to be like her and to keep going. Love ya kiddo! She is coming home today for a couple days!

The Pup is over sixty pounds and has been a great companion, to work through all the stuff, she was brought into my life to help work on the PTSD, I cannot imagine my world without her drooling, is that peanut butter you have mama, sad eye staring looks. She is still a pup just very large and I have seen the shredding of Monkey, Rooster, Lampchop and Charlie Brown to name a few. She also has ticklish toes, I take advantage of that. If she stands up beside me she is just about to my shoulders but if she stretches I think she is taller. Can you reach the cupboard for mama? I can’t reach it. I have to use step stools everywhere, including my closet.

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Someone is tired from their shredding.

Our family loves football, we travelled endlessly to see our favourite team play five hours away. We have a ton of clothing, and the girl still paints her face up when we go. Those days of travelling and talking, are some of my favourites. Buying season tickets was so awesome! Season tickets for CFL, is a lot cheaper than the NFL.

Last year we took Mr. Jones on a bucket list trip. He wanted to see the submarine in Chicago, and he is not a city person, so he did well. Watching him run his hands over a part of it, he was a big kid. The girl, called before we left for Chicago and found tickets to the Green Bay preseason game, we bought them! With no hotel yet in Wisconsin and no rental car, we said we would figure it out. We got the rental and to my family’s surprise I asked for the convertible, it was a Bumblebee convertible! They were like what? Mum got what? When Mr. Jones found out we were going to see Green Bay, he went into shock. The girl and I have sprung over the years some shockers to him, but he would not book or buy things for himself, he thinks of the family and says he doesn’t need anything. We took him as well to the Notre Dame tour, he was ecstatic.

I love mystery shows, but my favourite is Murder She wrote, the Clue movie and I love the Clue board game. I will whip your ass on it. Ugg sorry, I am also highly competitive. When asked by Mr. Jones what I want to watch, my answer is, something with action.

I was captain of our basketball team, in school and played centre at just about 5″6, I could jump well. I injured my back in grade ten, and that’s when I started to not care about life for a while. My dreams of what My future looked like had changed, so I worked from there on recreating it and decided I was going to be a teacher. I did go to school for it, have two years left, but life took me another route, in some ways I teach a different way, every day.

I learned yoga before it was trendy from a woman who had a studio in her house, not far from where I live now. She had trained in India and her husband was an artist.

I normally have an amazing memory and can see myself doing the item previously and can give step by step instructions from it. The items I can retain has been really crazy, so I’m working on dumping some of that non pertinent information. It’s working. Except my third birthday card poem from my Grandma and Grandpa, still hanging onto that in my head.

I was told I would have no children at age sixteen, my daughter is my miracle baby, and pretty sure she was immaculate conception at age 21. Surprise! Best surprise ever! Mr. Jones met us when she was three months old, and that is how we became the three Musketeers most days, and a family of five or six, the Brady Bunch, depending if all the kids came over on days off. One daughter lives in our hometown and two in the city. Mr. Jones stepson is in another city.

My favourite destination is Disneyland, because I love Mickey so. I don’t care for the big rides, I am much more of the Peter Pan, Snow White rides, more my style. I squeel riding the flying Dumbo ride, the little kids are braver than me. I will always wear ears, and hello! How come there is no adult princess dress up place? I would be all over that.

I start watching fall movies like Halloween Town and Charlie Brown in summer, as soon as Halloween is finished, my birthday, I move on to Christmas movies. When I am sad I pull out some of my favorites and watch, and the two most watched movies, You’ve Got Mail, and Christmas with the Kranks.

My morning always starts with flavoured coffee, not cream, (today Baileys)  and I can be a morning person, as I use to be at work at 4:30am in the early days. My body prefers a 5 am or 6 am wake up nothing in between or I am groggy.

As it is Sunday, and I see more stuffing around the house, I will be in clean up mode, plus I am still organizing the books from moving the shelves.

Have a wonderful day of relaxation, adventures, and life in general.

Love always, the stuffing picker, squeeling, ear wearing, big kid, Woman in Process

P.S. The photos are being printed for the scrapbook I am working on, over 300 of the pup.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tears in Heaven

I jumped into the car to drive to my destination, backed up and hear the song starting to play on the radio, instant tears fill my eyes and I begin to laugh. It’s another sign and I spend the few minutes listening to the words and trying to choke the words out, in the middle of the parking lot.

The angels have been hard at work trying to grab my attention endlessly, from the numbers, the music, the words I hear, the energy I seem to have, I am listening. I’m all ears.

I still hear the laughter of our loved ones and it makes me smile, they haven’t left, they are always by my side, I am truly grateful for that. At times I feel I may crumble and fall, but feel the hands of someone holding me up, encouraging me to get back up, willing me to keep going.

It’s the feeling that you need to keep persevering, keep paddling the canoe, even when the water feels it’s so high and the boat is starting to fill. I see lately the endless times, I am working on problem solving, stopping my thoughts and working through each item. Talking to myself in my head or outloud and their voices a whisper on my right side of my head.

Some days it feels like the road begins to grow,expanding, I question will I make it to the end, to the prize, what lies at the end of that road? I recently have been realizing how when I get to that spot, I’m sure there is nothing there, just vastness, it is all about the stops and scenic moments along the way, nothing more.

The flat tires, the hiccups, the muddy waters and how we keep making it through them. How do we find strength and stamina and arm ourselves into the ultimate Spartan Race? Just saying having to live someone’s life in a specific period of time with all the stuff, sounds like a pretty hard race and this one I have been living, I think is enough.

I feel so compelled to ensure I can find and keep life, kind of blah. I know you are thinking what the hell? Not blah as in boring, which I thought I was recently when talking to someone, but blah as in no major dramatic scene stealers, just letting things take its natural course. Making sure I revert to the old days of listening to my gut feelings, the theory if it’s meant to be it will be and if I truly want it enough and it is good for me, it will happen, when the timing is correct.

This week has been challenging with the eyesight, and I am lucky it was a small hiccup, but one I was getting frightened by. (This is why I look for beauty and try to remind myself of those items, I don’t want to forget or realize I missed seeing something).

After evenings of insomnia and me looking as if I was cast in the Walking Dead; look mum I’m the zombie to the right who got the nail wood in the head, I finally was able to sleep one night of the week and upon waking, I swear the fricking birds were singing, Snow White was cleaning (I wish) and the Viagra song was repeating itself in my head. Now I have you thinking which song?

I hope my angels in heaven would be proud of how I have been living life, and continuing to drag my sorry butt up each time I am knocked down. As I feel I am becoming more of me, I have a new smile, a different feel, it is getting lighter. I have moments and days, but I think those may lessen over time, or be instigated by the triggers.

I have become stronger in looking at my fears, vocalizing it more, I pray that those things I have seen keep decreasing in my role. I don’t wish them on anyone and certainly do not want my team to see any of them. It hurts me for the ones that did, in one of our emergencies, as it did its tole on them as well, three wonderful ladies come to mind.

I am not sure how to word this but here goes, to the family who lost their loved one by natural causes, I am sorry, I am also sorry that I could not have saved him, that I was too late in finding him. It weighs on me everyday of my life.

You were the breaking point of my years upon years of tragedies and incidents I have seen that were tucked into my cookie jar in my head, you were the one that broke it open. I am determined not to close it all in again, for my sanity, I don’t want to have to live under a rock for the rest of my life.

Just so you know, I took care in all of your belongings, I hugged your mum and dad, I made sure I was so delicate and compassionate with them, I am so sorry that was how we met.

Now, as my tears are rolling down my cheeks, I will remind you to make sure your hellos and goodbyes to your loved ones, you are in the present moment, not thinking about something else or rushing out the door. Make time stand still on those moments, make them count.

The snorty, snory Doo (nickname from Scooby) is sacked out and living life her way, I am analyzing mine like usual and am continuing to work on finding my footing on the slippery rocks of life. I hope I am on the right path, hand in hand with them all to get me there. I can smell their perfume and see their hair as they walk, a giggle comes from them all, I think I am in good hands.

Have a blessed weekend, hugs to you all.

Love the heart heavy Woman in Process

 

Scrapbook Heaven

After some Starbucks butterscotch coffee, yum, I decide it was time to begin the Saturday morning chores. Originally I thought of an adventure, but find I am tired and a day at home would be a wonderful adventure in its self.

Organize the home, prep for the week and soak all the stresses away in a warm tub. My day is planned out, no changes, right?

We are still in full prep mode for the fall, and as the rain, lightening and thunder are still upon us daily, we use it to move items in the house, inventory the freezer and go through the books we are going to donate. (The books are heading to Ethiopia in a container to the university).

I am determined to search through one box in the garage, that has been sitting; it has moved to the top of my list. Into the garage I go to see if there are any treasures left from my scrapbooking days. Eureka!!! I find a box inside a box labelled and to my surprise, it is full of scrapbooking stickers, stamps and scissors. I am elated!

I spent a little time Friday night, while I was to be picking up dinner at the grocery store to cook, fondling the aisles of scrapbook heaven. I am a two hander, so I need to put my purse in the cart and take in all the items, looking, reading and determining what I need or should I say want. Let’s be honest, I want it all!

After much deliberation, I think I went through all the jurors in my head, I have established what I am getting with my magnificent coupon and then I had to venture to the clearance section, excited on my finds, laughing and clapping my hands. The lady over from me, just laughed at my joy. I am who I am.

Over the past while, throughout all the ups and downs, the self discovery, there have been specific quotes that have choked me up and touched my heart. I have decided to incorporate all those quotes, into an album with the growing pictures of the pup.

The PTSD is the reason she is here and the journey for myself seems reflective in her own growth from puppy to tame monster. (She just finished Lampchop off this morning).

I am not sure tame would be the correct word for her! She has turned into an amazing gentle moose, that has Silence of the Lambs tendencies every so often. I can deal with that. (No pun intended, tee hee).

With my new book in hand, I am prepared for my Sunday afternoon, as the rest of Saturday also included a three hour nap, a tub, some laundry and quiet time as my eyes are pulling a Mr. Bean.

Dont worry, I am not driving today as they continue their dance, but I am keeping my backlight and electronic use to a minimum. After reading my horoscope today, it reminded me to put my oars down. Hello? Who the heck is in my head?

With the dancing eyes, the blindness, the enduring physical joys, I find I have been trying to steer Noah’s ark and need a break. So today I give all my compulsive and control freak tendencies to the universe and may find myself napping once again.

My words will be kept to a minimum and all I will do, is wish you the most amazing, snoozing, relaxed, carefree Sunday possible.

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Love always the sticker loving, scrapbooking, running with scissors, Woman in Process

P.S did I mention I even bought a sticker maker! Total geek! I so need a t-shirt.

 

 

Two Cookie Night

It was a two cookie night! Reality is it could have been more than two cookies (homemade, chocolate chip with extra chocolate), but there was some restraint and I needed to leave one or two for Mr. Jones.

My restraint, still made me look as if, I had channeled my inner Cookie Monster and demolished the cookies and scoured the entire room for crumbs. Nothing remained, no crumbs, no morsel or bite.

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Yesterday, was a busy and high energy day, thus today I could crawl under a rock and hide and cry. After days like yesterday, I always tell Mr. Jones, some days it is hard being me, (I always laugh but he understands, I have high expectations of myself) I just feel as though I expend so much energy and then have to work my way back up the cliff trudging along, my smile pasted on until I strive to hit the next high note.

It prompts a long conversation and Mr. Jones tells me he understands, he says I set the bar too high for myself and he can understand how challenging it is to live up to it each day, I remind him it is the battle of my inner critic, who antagonizes me to keep adding the bar up another notch.

I am so appreciative of him, listening to me, hearing me, and then not worrying as I talk to myself, to knock it off and pull myself together; to stop complaining. Life is good.

Some days I do set the bar up, but that’s because I expect to give all of myself, not just twenty five percent or fifty. I want to ensure I do a job worthy, I want to put my heart into the task; there is a price to pay for that physically and mentally at times. We need to embrace downtime, whatever that may be.

It is one avenue I am embracing, I will have  my down, cookie eating, nothing is safe kind of days then I will (kick, scream and fight) work at picking myself up, cut out the cookies (or at least decrease them) and make sure I run, walk, chase the dog and find that one beautiful sight that expresses love and soul that speaks to me.

I need to embrace the fact, that I do need to have these days, we all do, we need them to know the difference between each day, the positives, the negatives and the gratefulness of the wonderful messes that surround us. Life is truly messy on some days, and we need to let ourselves have permission to color outside the lines, stay up late, and eat in bed.

It gives us an opportunity to improve ourselves, challenge ourselves and love ourselves just the way we are, the messiness, the scatterness we may feel,  the darkness, the days we need to feel sad and helpless and choose to eat the whole package of cookies or two. Please pass the Oreos.

So today, my blog is short so I can see what else I may demolish(I know there are no chips, sigh) and have a complete and lazy evening of nothing, because that is what I need, that is my downtime, my zoned out, tuning it all off evening.

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Embrace the darkness to get through to the light. My darkness is even willing to share a cookie with you. Don’t tell Mr. Jones, this way he can go into the rendition of “Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar” in the morning. I haven’t heard that one for a bit.

Today, I was presented with this famous line from William Blake, it is one of my favorites, today, I believe it was the focus of what I found beautiful and am grateful for.

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Love always the cookie eating, demolishing, I have hope, Woman in Process

P.S I prefer the golden Oreos now, it all stems from having to dress up as an Oreo for grade seven initiation, who makes the big boned girl (chunky) be a cookie. It was not a highlighted moment for me, but I made it through and had good hair on that day; not my frizzy doo.