Tears in Heaven

I jumped into the car to drive to my destination, backed up and hear the song starting to play on the radio, instant tears fill my eyes and I begin to laugh. It’s another sign and I spend the few minutes listening to the words and trying to choke the words out, in the middle of the parking lot.

The angels have been hard at work trying to grab my attention endlessly, from the numbers, the music, the words I hear, the energy I seem to have, I am listening. I’m all ears.

I still hear the laughter of our loved ones and it makes me smile, they haven’t left, they are always by my side, I am truly grateful for that. At times I feel I may crumble and fall, but feel the hands of someone holding me up, encouraging me to get back up, willing me to keep going.

It’s the feeling that you need to keep persevering, keep paddling the canoe, even when the water feels it’s so high and the boat is starting to fill. I see lately the endless times, I am working on problem solving, stopping my thoughts and working through each item. Talking to myself in my head or outloud and their voices a whisper on my right side of my head.

Some days it feels like the road begins to grow,expanding, I question will I make it to the end, to the prize, what lies at the end of that road? I recently have been realizing how when I get to that spot, I’m sure there is nothing there, just vastness, it is all about the stops and scenic moments along the way, nothing more.

The flat tires, the hiccups, the muddy waters and how we keep making it through them. How do we find strength and stamina and arm ourselves into the ultimate Spartan Race? Just saying having to live someone’s life in a specific period of time with all the stuff, sounds like a pretty hard race and this one I have been living, I think is enough.

I feel so compelled to ensure I can find and keep life, kind of blah. I know you are thinking what the hell? Not blah as in boring, which I thought I was recently when talking to someone, but blah as in no major dramatic scene stealers, just letting things take its natural course. Making sure I revert to the old days of listening to my gut feelings, the theory if it’s meant to be it will be and if I truly want it enough and it is good for me, it will happen, when the timing is correct.

This week has been challenging with the eyesight, and I am lucky it was a small hiccup, but one I was getting frightened by. (This is why I look for beauty and try to remind myself of those items, I don’t want to forget or realize I missed seeing something).

After evenings of insomnia and me looking as if I was cast in the Walking Dead; look mum I’m the zombie to the right who got the nail wood in the head, I finally was able to sleep one night of the week and upon waking, I swear the fricking birds were singing, Snow White was cleaning (I wish) and the Viagra song was repeating itself in my head. Now I have you thinking which song?

I hope my angels in heaven would be proud of how I have been living life, and continuing to drag my sorry butt up each time I am knocked down. As I feel I am becoming more of me, I have a new smile, a different feel, it is getting lighter. I have moments and days, but I think those may lessen over time, or be instigated by the triggers.

I have become stronger in looking at my fears, vocalizing it more, I pray that those things I have seen keep decreasing in my role. I don’t wish them on anyone and certainly do not want my team to see any of them. It hurts me for the ones that did, in one of our emergencies, as it did its tole on them as well, three wonderful ladies come to mind.

I am not sure how to word this but here goes, to the family who lost their loved one by natural causes, I am sorry, I am also sorry that I could not have saved him, that I was too late in finding him. It weighs on me everyday of my life.

You were the breaking point of my years upon years of tragedies and incidents I have seen that were tucked into my cookie jar in my head, you were the one that broke it open. I am determined not to close it all in again, for my sanity, I don’t want to have to live under a rock for the rest of my life.

Just so you know, I took care in all of your belongings, I hugged your mum and dad, I made sure I was so delicate and compassionate with them, I am so sorry that was how we met.

Now, as my tears are rolling down my cheeks, I will remind you to make sure your hellos and goodbyes to your loved ones, you are in the present moment, not thinking about something else or rushing out the door. Make time stand still on those moments, make them count.

The snorty, snory Doo (nickname from Scooby) is sacked out and living life her way, I am analyzing mine like usual and am continuing to work on finding my footing on the slippery rocks of life. I hope I am on the right path, hand in hand with them all to get me there. I can smell their perfume and see their hair as they walk, a giggle comes from them all, I think I am in good hands.

Have a blessed weekend, hugs to you all.

Love the heart heavy Woman in Process

 

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