You Still Grow

It’s black outside while we stand in the middle of the yard. I can hear a vehicle starting, getting ready to head to it’s destination. We stand still, quiet, the pup reviewing the shadows our bodies make on the old white fence.

Plop, plop, she looks around, the rest of the apples are beginning their descent. It is time, it is the first day of a new month; school will be heading back in today. Children will be excited, scared, nervous and I will be constantly checking my speed limit to ensure, I am okay.

The fall drinks, pumpkins and scarecrows will be lining up to engage the customers attention, and in the back areas, the store will be bringing in their Christmas items, in preparation and anticipation of the next four months, the seasons of thankfulness and love.

I love fall, I love Christmas and am nervous this year to get through the next few months. To pass my dates of disasters, to get past my date of my breakdown and to change my thoughts of not remembering or lessening the burden. How do you forget?

Smells, sounds, all still are active and I catch my self breathing heavier trying to adjust, then work on bringing my anxiety level down. My voice may change, I feel the sweats coming on, and my body goes into its panic mode; numbness over comes me.

Here is the catch, I deal with the disasters and stay calm through it all, then once it is complete, I let myself crash down, I had to change it. For so long, for so many years, I would bury it and keep moving forward not dealing with that moment in time, or at least I thought I was moving forward.

That moment of time, in my head became years, it became repetitive and it became a burden to house, and it never paid any rent, it just took life from me, precious, valuable life.

I have this one friend, he has seen his share of disasters, deaths, suicides and is on the other side of hope. He now can speak about the situation with friends, he still nervously laughs and I know how much those affected him; they would affect anyone.

If you notice, I only talk about how I am figuring life back out. I think that is what is so important and not the specifics of each situation. I do have to say, as awful as some things are, I always learned along the way. I learned safety, I learned how calm I am in those situations, and how strong I am. Those are the highlights I want to remember, that is what, I will chose to remember.

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The season as painful as it may be, can also bring me more closure and a bit of a summary or checkpoint on the hard work of the year. It has been over eight months since I returned to my role at work and I have had bumps and bruises along the way. I would focus on them and try to ensure each one was dealt with, I fought hard and feel like this year has been about digging myself out of an early grave, that I was not ready for.

I committed to living life and the past couple months has tested me even harder, as some patterns I would see myself falling into and then worked at changing them. I am a puzzle, one where I am determining how the pieces are fitting together, how they should be cut and getting rid of the border of things, that I do not need that consumed me.

I am proud of myself, I am proud of being more vocal and giving a voice to some who may not have the strength for it. I hope that everyone dealing with these life issues, can find the life raft and hang on. We can change our directions, we can change our thoughts and we can find the life that we desire, that we want.

A friend and I had chatted the other day, I always value those talks even when they are short. She is someone who has seen it all with me, and I do not hesitate to cry or tear with her. I am grateful for that bond. It is different between us and something that is hard to explain. She has her share of life stories and I am proud of who she was able to become from those challenges. I wish everyone, could take those challenges and rise above, give themselves hope, a new start.

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Tonight, as I am sitting in a quiet space, with no one really around me, I was able to process a bit more in my tired state. An update, the pup was very tender from her spaying and we did have to get more pain medication to help her. She seems to be on the mend and that stress I have for her,once she has recovered will make me feel better.

Right now it’s about making sure she is fine, small movements, nothing too much and keeping her stitches in tact. The living room is set up like a camp out and my back and hips are feeling the challenge of the hardness and cold of the floor. The catch, I would do it all again, if it meant keeping her calm and her knowing how much I love her. When your dog crawls up, all 80 lbs of her and she positions herself so that your head is also in the cone with hers, that is unconditional love.

She has been there for me, it is my turn for her.  On that note have a wonderful long weekend, mine will continue with the camp Mrs. Jones and work this time, while doing so I am focusing on building more strength for the upcoming months. Be proud of where you are and remember, no step is too small.

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Love always, the proud, loving, Woman in Process

 

 

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