Monthly Archives: October 2016

My Value

The news is everywhere,the horrible things being said daily by people, tragedies and worry. I decided to take a bit of a break, shut off the world and get to know myself again.

I needed a break, my way of picking and choosing what I would like to hear. Work has been consuming me, my energy low, and I have been spending time by myself to help me strengthen my soul to get me through, all the memories. I needed to find myself, she was starting to disappear again, and I know it wasn’t on a great vacation.

I decided to re-embrace the things that I seem to really enjoy and learn more of what I could. With it being October, I wrapped myself up into decorating the inside and out of my home, working on reading my mysteries, a thanksgiving weekend adventure with the pup and Mr. Jones to see the kids, a stay in a cabin, learning my new cricut (so excited, Mr. Jones bought it for my birthday!)  and looking at everything through a lens.

The pup has been my inspiration and I was reminding myself that so much is still a first for her. As we begin a new season and are watching the leaves falling and then the usual early first fall of snow, she is mesmerized.

I wrapped myself up in taking hundreds of pictures of her and pouring over them, every detail, every feeling; posting them into my personal accounts to share with my family and friends. This was my outlet for my emotions, while I took a break from writing.

Recently someone had asked me who I love the most, my first answer was me, as I have been working hard to learn that and then realized what she was getting at. The beautiful endless photos of someone’s nose, sleepy eyes and energy all being shared. My answer was simple; she (my pup) helps me so much.

This month brought on another first for her and I; I wanted to give her a great gift of just being a dog, socializing and getting to run and play with other pups. When I first began the application and assessment, I was fearful, fearful on how would I be without her? How can I trust someone else? What if? I reminded myself over and over this month to have faith.

Her first day, was hard as stressors had become high and of course a phone call or two were in order to check on her. She loved it and to see her face light up at getting to play with new friends and then the excitement and light up when she sees me to pick her up, made me teary eyed. She is happy, she even seems to smile a lot.

Her happiness, helped increase my value as well. I have been functioning efficiently,  some stressors with my girl caused a bit of a downturn, but it was wonderful to see it change for the better. She too, was dealing with anxiety and I kept praying over the years she would not have to deal with those lovely family genes that have passed all this down.

I am so proud of her, she is strong and immediately looked for help. Sometimes life smacks us in the face to make us stop and give more value to ourselves. How do we keep forgetting is the real question? So well this is a whole another area of hmmmm and thought provoking, I decided I would share a few of the photos I took the past two months. Each photo feels like a piece of my heart is in each one I take. The emotion it creates brings the feeling of a hippo sitting on my chest of happiness, sadness, and sheer joy. It’s overwhelming!  It is just an entanglement of so much more.

I made that new bed for her as the other one somehow was eaten.

She does do more than sleep, but that smushed up, wrinkled up face, just makes me want to smooch it and yell she’s so fluffy! I feel like that little girl in Despicable Me, she has so much emotion at times and the rest of the time, it is like she is hiding it, masking it. (Mr. Jones took the photo of her looking out the window, I just love it).

After an outside adventure of decorating for Halloween, and the pup not sure of some of the decorations; this included big eyes of what the heck and a few growls, I actually finally felt bored. It was awesome! I cannot seem to remember the last time I felt like that, so for me, it was a blessing. My mind is normally going, there is always so much work to do mentally, that it feels wonderful to just hang and be.

I hope you enjoyed some of the many photos I have been taking and I think I may start to venture out again and take a class to help me build and grow in this area. I have always loved photographs as a kid and loved to look at other’s albums. It’s a moment that stands still in my memory. Each picture is worth so much more.

Love always, the picture obsessed, bored, Woman in Process

The Podcast

The podcast opens up with the details of situations that so many are living with, it begins a 911 call for domestic abuse. A young girl, aged 12 was crying and terrified of what her father was doing to her mother.

As I listen to this, there are so many emotions that flood over you like a tidal wave; sadness, anger of how someone who is suppose to love and protect you could do this. It takes me back to friends who had lived this nightmare, day after day. Mother was abused, beaten, kids were away from school because they were beat black and blue, it took a long time for things to change for the better and for their lives, for their lives to start again in a true loving environment.

I entered the kitchen and the look on Mr. Jones face was one I had only seen a few times. I asked are you okay, and he shakes his head no. Then tells me you need to hear the podcast by Sword and Scale, and explains a bit. He is so shook up, sad, and crying.

He sits down for a bit, and my husband begins to talk of a day in pieces. He says the little girl was 12, and she was so frightened. I remember being that frightened. I knew stories of his childhood, but not all the details as they have been buried inside him for so long. Layers upon layers of emotions, years of his anger and sadness all packed up in his mind.

I just sat and held him for a bit, and now so much more has come to an understanding with me. There was so much he made a reference to, or you would hear an occasional story, a snippet, but this was way more. The frightened little boy inside him, could relate to this little girl and the horror story she was living.

When Mr. Jones had asked me to listen to it, I knew I needed to, for him. So much was said without him having to relive those days in his own words.

With my job, this is unfortunately an area that I wished I could say didn’t happen, but when people rent a room for the night, they believe it is their complete home and things happen anywhere to these families dealing with abuse. Mothers or fathers that are trying to keep their children safe from the abuser and are doing what they have to, to survive, to continue living, to be the loving parent, the protector with everything they can, sometimes their own lives.

As my daughter has been working on this area in her studies at university, she has been able to give us the stats of these high numbers that blew me away. I do not understand why and think of my husband’s father, and alcohol was a factor. I never met the man, as Mr. Jones and his brother threw him out as teenagers and cut all ties.

I am grateful that my daughter did not have to live through that, and as Mr. Jones is getting older at times there are things that still surprise me from his life. Someone I know so well for over twenty years, shows me there are still areas to learn about. I am happy that he obviously feels safe and that he can share now.

I think this year of sharing and finally opening up on what I see, has made it more comfortable for him to open up. I hope it is and if not, whatever has engaged him to share, my ears are open to listen, to be there. At one point he tugged on my ear, something his mum did to him all the time, he misses her very much.

If you can, listen to the podcast, be a friend for those in need. Her words at the end made me sit up and say, oh my. As the numbers of domestic abuse seems to keep growing, I question how do we change this? What can be taught? Why is it growing so? I know these are questions I will be asking those who assist in creating a home for  those who make their way their, while they prepare themselves for the next phase. The real question is how can I help?

With the season of joy and love coming, I remind you not all are experiencing that feeling. Trust your instincts, help someone in need, give of your possessions to others who may be starting over and $2.00 from each of us, together we can make a difference for someone.

 

Love always the grateful, blessed, heart aching, Woman in Process

 

My Dad

As I stand behind him taking pictures, I am working on etching each one into my memory banks. He has no idea that I am taking pictures behind him and why that I am, I never say. I have pictures from over the years, but not enough.

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This past weekend my dad turned eighty. He looks fabulous, still a shaking, rattling and rolling dancing man on the farm, tinkering and making endless lists of things he is planning on doing.  I know life will one day change for all of us, and it is one of my biggest fears. It feels like yesterday that I put fifty candles on a cake and carried it down the stairs singing. The top of it, became a skating rink of pink and orange wax and we laughed that we would begin using the number candles in the future. It was a ball of flame, and the heat was intense.

Even now, trying to blow out the scented candle to refresh the house, I struggle and it’s one wick, possibly three. Our years take a tole on our bodies, inside and out, yet our minds are still the same, the same thoughts, ideas and grand adventures we have planned, plotted, organized, assessed and reassessed.

We think of how our lives are going to turn out, we plan, we work hard and sometimes things don’t go the way we see it, and we start over again, sometimes again and again. I then think about the journey of life; a trip. We start our trip, break in between, start again and the reality is we never finish. We are always on a fresh start, didn’t matter if I had just completed the same task, the timing has changed. It is always a grand new adventure.

As I see him and my mum, starting to adventure a bit more, it makes me happy that they are still able to look for an adventure, that they keep believing in the adventure and are trying new things. I am a firm believer, it is so good for the creative soul just to try, even if you dislike it, you attempted it and you can add it to the list of accomplishments and not to the, I wish I had tried that, listing.

We all have them, ones where we wish we had made a different choice, where we think something would have made a big impact on our lives. The catch is regardless of the things we think we should do, or missed in our eyes, our path keeps redesigning in front of us and changing until we are on the path we were meant to be on.

Some people may say that’s my witchiness coming out, but I am a firm believer. Today, my choice may not be correct, but I have learned a valuable lesson from that choice and then it recreates to the next path. I didn’t quit and I found a new path that maybe I had not considered.

As I write this, the coffee shop is full of people and I am breaking from the errands I am running. Each of them on a path or destiny, some very unhappy and some just content with life at this time, enjoying their “Be”.

Now I think back to where I fit in at this moment. Am I experiencing contentment? I don’t believe so. I am looking for my inner strength at this time. The part that makes my emotions hit the top of the roller coaster and I am ready for the stomach to fly in the downwards movement and the excitement of life.

The rain has turned to snow and the sadness of the day reminds me of what will come again. Each season, another birthday, (just saying start shopping, it’s in 30 days, let the countdown begin!) and another stage of life. Some days I don’t believe I have this one mastered but I keep getting another day to practice; thank you for my practice days.

When I look at the pictures my dad was enjoying, in each one, he saw the growth of the same bear and deer in them, continuous changes to seasons, waterfalls and the environment. The paintings were the complete symbolism of life in general and I hear a lot of people that question, what’s next or where do I go from here?

Thinking to a year ago, the feeling of standing in a group of people in a room, I was shaking, my mind rushing and felt explosive of so many details of PTSD, that over intensified my being. Fast forward to the homework I have been doing and the same event a year later, I could smile, talk to people, was happy to be there, but maybe I should have rethought my three inch heels. But man they make my legs look good! I will take it as some days a slipper is too much too wear with my gnarled up witch feet.

I am on the path I am suppose to be, and the one before of intense physical and emotional challenges, was also my path. I know some people may says it’s bad luck, but I don’t believe in that. I believe in my guiding hand who has hung onto me while I was drowning and swimming for shore, which showed me strength. They kept me afloat and kept taking me hand in their hand, to each beautiful creation of life’s moments and would say look at it! Open your eyes!

My eyes are open and sometimes still teary as I get over emotional. The past two weeks we have been talking, reviewing and trying to create a philantrophy project. The wheelchair that was Tim the tool man Taylor tinkered up for an event that just took place made me cry. People I know and don’t know, said yes I will help, here you go, this is donated and were so giving.

The people that think I have made a difference on them, I laugh, and say thank you, but you all have made a difference to me. Now as I am bawling in the coffee shop it may be time to take my leave and finish my writing elsewhere. My caramel macchiato is just so good, it makes me emotional! Let’s just be honest, I’m crying because life is truly good, bad, horrific, sad, and intense. Sounds like a first date!

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As I am reviewing my blog for posting, it still was not exactly what I wanted in my head and I find I keep rewriting. I have decided that it’s fine for today and my inner critic needs to go to sleep as its cutting into your shopping days. So here is what I ask for my birthday.

I am asking if you all could do one good deed, pay it forward, make someone smile and be inspirational to someone for my birthday. I would love to hear what you did, and remember that could be the path that you were meant to be on, you never know what could be someone’s inspiration that day.

Love always, the path walking, please don’t snow on my path, dad loving, Woman in Process

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