Monthly Archives: December 2016

Scaling the Mountain

As I look back at the end of this year to see the accomplishments, the fails and the areas I could of course better myself, I am in awe. Awe, because I use to always say; ” On my 40th birthday I want to be hanging off the side of a mountain.” On my 43rd year, I did not grasp what that meant until today. It was the 40th year where my world crumbled, changed, was uprooted from comfort and security to an unknown abyss.

It was the true beginning of the downfall and the rebuild. They say you have to hit rock bottom at some point, before you can rebuild yourself, see you in a new light, and find a new beginning, a new adventure, a new you.  During this time I had no clue what was taking place. It wasn’t until this past year of complete exploration on every aspect of my life on my mental health, that I truly began to scale the mountain.

As you begin to learn how to climb you have to first locate all the right equipment, learn how to use it, and have faith in yourself that you can do it.  Each time you take a few more steps, stumble, fall and have to start all over again. This has been my world.  Until eventually you are in a point on that mountain where you are looking at an amazing scene, you are looking at an accomplishment, you are looking at the regrowth of your spiritual side,  the re-development of your self-esteem.

There wasn’t much of a choice, I could either wallow, I could either die (which some days I thought would be easier) or I could try. I decided to try and I’m happy where it’s taken me to.

I am now standing at the top of this mountain and I’m determining what part of my life is next. I am in control. I may still have doubts in myself.  I may believe sometimes that I’m unworthy. I may believe that inner voice that puts me down, but I also know that these parts of those beliefs are one side affect of what I deal with.

The sun won’t shine every single day of our lives, the rain has to come down at sometime and I now think for that to keep taking place I will just put on cuter rubber boots. I will splash in the puddles, I will dance in the rain. I will wash the woe and worry from my brain.

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I’m trying to figure out what New Year’s resolutions are so important to me for this year. It could be the usual I want to lose 10 pounds or more, I want to learn Spanish and be fluent, I want to be a millionaire,  I want to be something I’m not.

This year I am focussing on what I am willing to let myself be. That word has come up again, I started last year with how I wanted to be and a friend of mine just recently reminded me of my word for my year; at some point I forgot and I think I forgot because I was doing, I was being. I created a habit.

She recently bought me four cups; be strong, be calm, be you, be true.  These are the words of this year’s resolution. I will be strong in my physical health, I will be strong in keeping my mental health in check, I will be strong by asking for help when I need it, I will be calm when the fear takes over, I will be calm when I feel my world is crashing, I will be me, there is only one of me, no one like me, and I will be true in what I believe, I will be true to those I love, I will be true to fairness, to making a difference in someone else’s life.

I can’t be perfect, nor do I want to be, my imperfections are not scars, but my uniqueness and I’m embracing that.  I’m looking forward to 2017 with wide eyes, and with a newfound spirit that I have been  defining.  Whatever your New Year’s resolutions are, I hope you try, I hope you believe in yourself, and I hope you stay strong and true to you. Not all resolutions are the petals on the flower that are beauty, but may be the dirt that helps the flower grow.

For this last day in December, I wish you a Happy New Year, I wish you strength  and perseverance in your own life. I’m looking forward to sharing this next mountain climb with you and who knows where it’s going to take me next.

Love always from the scaling, being, Woman in Process

Sleigh Bells Ring, Are You Listening?

The trumpet is blasting and the Christmas carols are filling the living room. My undecorated tree is in the corner as the pup gets accustomed to it, waiting for the girl to arrive home so we can spend the season together and embellish the greenery with the endless ornaments we have from the places we have seen. I sound like I could start into the Dr. Seuss rhymes.

My nose is in my new book I received and my head is shaking, I am in spiritual awe. I decided to be adventuresome and join a book exchange for Christmas. I though what the heck, what do I have to lose. You send someone a favourite new book that you fell in love with and then you, as well, receive from others. When the package arrived I had no idea what it was, as I forgot all about it. All the other Christmas parcels had arrived and were tucked under my bed. Don’t tell Mr. Jones!

I rip off the brown paper and there is a book I have never read, The Alchemist. I had heard it mentioned once, but had no idea what it was about. As I was off work for a few holiday days and sick days, I took my book to the bathtub and started reading, this became my daily ritual, (hello large water bill, I welcome you).

I couldn’t put it down! I realized it was a sign, the sign.  I had been asking questions on so many levels of my progress and looking for the signs on the next direction. In some ways I felt the signs had dried up, or maybe I was not dialed in enough, I felt frustrated some but realized it was me.

This was the sign, I had been waiting for, from the past few weeks. I believe my journey of the challenges, illness and craziness of work was part of the actual journey, for me to really bring back the refocus on me. I knew what was taking place inside at my heart, but I just didn’t think I did in my head. It was one small fragment, and I wanted more of the new life, the new path, the new story. My ending is not written yet and I am hoping it has a longer journey of discovery and lessons.

Each time I picked up the book, I lost myself in it, embraced the journey in the story, the details, the feeling of despair, sadness and enlightenment. I was bringing back that lesson from last year. One year ago, during boot camp sessions in therapy,  of having faith, paying attention and letting my heart guide me, I picked up my life with a new gratitude and started digging. Some days with great encouragement, other days with sorrow and pain.

Each day is different and one item can send me back, but I find I have learned more on how to hang on and as the hand is pushing me down, I have my rope tied off and am still going with much more force. Did I mention my muscle mass has improved as well? Insert me flexing right now and then heading over to see if there is anything good to munch on in the kitchen.

Okay back to this book. I felt even more inspired, each day that I read it was as if that specific passage was written for me on that day. I began to watch again, listen and see the signs. It was as if they were now flashing their neon lights saying, hey you, we have been here waiting, it’s about time you are paying attention.

I completed the book in a couple days and my skin was pruned from each tub. The last day as I was focusing on the last lesson, my focus became more clear. I’m thinking I may reread it again in a month to see if I pick up another area of attention. If you haven’t read it, you may enjoy it, and if you have what did you learn about yourself?

Now I am onto a spooktacular book from a friend and am excited to begin it. Nothing is better than a new book, opening that first page and feeling smart at that time. Just for reference, Homer is now singing s-m-r-t in my head and I laugh every time he does. Yes my mind is still young, just the vessel is aging, I like to hope like fine wine but not stinky cheese!

We have packed up our bags and headed to the farm for a couple days of visits and it’s always nice to get away from the city. As the sun has settled into bed and I take the pup out, I am trying to walk her around in the dark. I feel like Nancy Drew with my flashlight in hand and the banging and clanging of things around us, scaring me.

Nancy though I’m sure didn’t pee herself some, as she is jumping out of her own skin scared from the sounds, the blackness and the unknown, is there an animal right in front of me? My nerves are working overtime as we head for the big yard light to comfort our beating hearts. Even the pup jumped a few times and her nose was up in the air picking up the smells of those in the bush.

Into the house we run, and keep ourselves close to the front area after that. I still remember the same feeling as a kid and being scared at night, yet the day was so calm, and quaint. At least we did manage earlier to take in the abundance of stars in the blackness and at that moment as the wind is blowing, the stars so far away, you realize how you, your family, is just a tiny molecule in this huge universe.

I text Mr. Jones and immediately he sends  the Calvin and Hobbs cartoon. It is always fitting. It makes me smile, but also gives me so much perspective as I stand underneath them pondering my life, my dreams, my direction. The wind gusts dancing across my face, as I look up and see a shooting star. I have not had the opportunity to see the stars really well in a long time.

The pup is so unsettled as she is not use to the vastness, the house, the smells and it takes many trips outside before she can stop smelling every piece of ground. I decided if I was out there, I would just look up and that’s what I did, I starred into it all.

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The sun is now working its way up over the endless trees around the farm and I’m going to go sit in the window and escape to another dream.

Wishing you a lovely day of uniqueness.

Love from a small speck in the universe, the Woman in Process

P.S I know you are wondering what book did I send? The Diary of Anne Frank, one that makes me cry every time I read it.

On Hold

I started writing this blog in November and finally the pieces are being put together over the past few weeks, it’s truly amazing what you can see if we are open to where we really are in our lives.

The world is such an odd place at times. We are so quick to wanting answers now, instant gratification and that the expectation is it should not really matter. It doesn’t matter and yet the days are so hectic and crazy, filled with the usual tasks, I feel like a zombie. As I am laying in bed working on slowing down my mind and finding the calming thoughts, it begins to wander.

The pup, more like my moose, is snuggled up on the bed and I try to pull the covers up. Nope! She is like a cement pillar holding everything down from a tornado, she is my anchor. I laugh, pet her some more and turn off the light to pull the fleecy style sheet up against my face, my other hand rubbing the top of her head.

I start to laugh thinking what if my dog purred every time she was happy and realized how much that would be. She is constantly excited, playing, and the best happy is when I see her each time I pick her up from day care or come home and she is waiting for me, giddy in the window. Her purr may run out and I wonder could she purr and wag her tail at the same time? These are much more serious questions that need to be thought about than the mountain of paperwork on my desk, right?

As I write this, her face is shoved into my shoulder trying to get me to tug a war on what is left of a once fluffy toy, not sure what it truly was. Squeak, squeak, the sounds continuously fill the room and I realize it is time to get on to duty, though I would much rather stay here instead. It’s much more peaceful.

My world has felt somewhat overwhelming lately and I am so looking forward to the escape that my mind needs. Absolute nothing. As always, I hear the comments you must be doing too much for Christmas prep, uh nope, I just work. My Christmas prep is so simple; I organize and complete a couple of tasks in a few weeks and the shopping over many months. I don’t have too worry about trying to run to get that accomplished, I am a pro there. Martha move over, because I’m all about imperfections.

The one aspect I have to work on is slowing down my mind and working with the challenges this time of year physically brings me. I then begin to sit down and reassess where I am, what have I missed, am I still making progress? Have I been too busy to notice or see where I am? There are many questions to still find answers for and many I think I must have subconsciously been working on, without realizing.

One day something just switched, I tell my therapist that where I am now, I feel like I can pick up the other bubbles that I had to let go and start focusing on relearning each of them. When your health goes, your mental state there is so much confusion and so much going on you cannot focus on anything more. I passed my one year in November of my complete breakdown. That day still marks a new date, not of what I lost, but the day I started to learn to live again. Your asking was I scared? I sure was, but I had faith.

I was pessimistic last week one day, not normally me and then reminded myself to be open, now realizing it was a sign and I didn’t pay attention, I was focused on other things. That morning I sat with someone, brought out my finances and spent time working on how to start rebuilding my goals as I let it all go. I couldn’t believe in anything anymore, thinking there was no way that I could get there. I was sad, and I was haunted, that to me there wouldn’t be dreams and a beautiful ending, it was all dark.

I decided I was changing that. That morning brought on a new feeling and I felt like one bubble was picked up and placed back up around me. Now how many others did I leave laying around? Let’s not ask that, as I’m sure they will all start bouncing back up when the timing is right.

I picked up the relationship bubble and am slowly working on that, that means with Mr. Jones, friends and co- workers.  I have been trying to be conscientious, as not all know, nor understand the black hole that I have been digging myself out of. For visual effects, it literally feels as though a thick and heavy black mud, oil style keeps pulling me down telling me nope this is where you are staying and I’m fighting and clawing my way out, saying f— no I’m not! It’s so suffocating, it really felt like a time to just give up completely, but the stubborn old witch in me is now figuring out how to use that blackness, that mud and turn it into something better.

Paintings are not as dark, there is more life I see and possibilities. I also started to pick up the physical health bubble. Blood pressure is fine, so check I got one right on the list. The doctor will do a complete review with me and I am taking back it in this next year. The mind is so powerful, it can break every spirit we have, rebuild it, and keep renewing our faith.

This season I am focusing on faith, it’s what seemed to get me here and I am looking forward to embracing it more, believing in myself and believing in the good of others.

I wish you a blessed day and think you will hear from me soon, as I think I feel like I may be up the climb of the mountain and looking at the beauty.

Love always the faith embracing Woman in Progress

P.S the pup wrote her letter to Santa, I thought I should share.