As I look back at the end of this year to see the accomplishments, the fails and the areas I could of course better myself, I am in awe. Awe, because I use to always say; ” On my 40th birthday I want to be hanging off the side of a mountain.” On my 43rd year, I did not grasp what that meant until today. It was the 40th year where my world crumbled, changed, was uprooted from comfort and security to an unknown abyss.
It was the true beginning of the downfall and the rebuild. They say you have to hit rock bottom at some point, before you can rebuild yourself, see you in a new light, and find a new beginning, a new adventure, a new you. During this time I had no clue what was taking place. It wasn’t until this past year of complete exploration on every aspect of my life on my mental health, that I truly began to scale the mountain.
As you begin to learn how to climb you have to first locate all the right equipment, learn how to use it, and have faith in yourself that you can do it. Each time you take a few more steps, stumble, fall and have to start all over again. This has been my world. Until eventually you are in a point on that mountain where you are looking at an amazing scene, you are looking at an accomplishment, you are looking at the regrowth of your spiritual side, the re-development of your self-esteem.
There wasn’t much of a choice, I could either wallow, I could either die (which some days I thought would be easier) or I could try. I decided to try and I’m happy where it’s taken me to.
I am now standing at the top of this mountain and I’m determining what part of my life is next. I am in control. I may still have doubts in myself. I may believe sometimes that I’m unworthy. I may believe that inner voice that puts me down, but I also know that these parts of those beliefs are one side affect of what I deal with.
The sun won’t shine every single day of our lives, the rain has to come down at sometime and I now think for that to keep taking place I will just put on cuter rubber boots. I will splash in the puddles, I will dance in the rain. I will wash the woe and worry from my brain.
I’m trying to figure out what New Year’s resolutions are so important to me for this year. It could be the usual I want to lose 10 pounds or more, I want to learn Spanish and be fluent, I want to be a millionaire, I want to be something I’m not.
This year I am focussing on what I am willing to let myself be. That word has come up again, I started last year with how I wanted to be and a friend of mine just recently reminded me of my word for my year; at some point I forgot and I think I forgot because I was doing, I was being. I created a habit.
She recently bought me four cups; be strong, be calm, be you, be true. These are the words of this year’s resolution. I will be strong in my physical health, I will be strong in keeping my mental health in check, I will be strong by asking for help when I need it, I will be calm when the fear takes over, I will be calm when I feel my world is crashing, I will be me, there is only one of me, no one like me, and I will be true in what I believe, I will be true to those I love, I will be true to fairness, to making a difference in someone else’s life.
I can’t be perfect, nor do I want to be, my imperfections are not scars, but my uniqueness and I’m embracing that. I’m looking forward to 2017 with wide eyes, and with a newfound spirit that I have been defining. Whatever your New Year’s resolutions are, I hope you try, I hope you believe in yourself, and I hope you stay strong and true to you. Not all resolutions are the petals on the flower that are beauty, but may be the dirt that helps the flower grow.
For this last day in December, I wish you a Happy New Year, I wish you strength and perseverance in your own life. I’m looking forward to sharing this next mountain climb with you and who knows where it’s going to take me next.
Love always from the scaling, being, Woman in Process