I Am Free

Three weeks ago….

I sat at the computer tweaking and cleaning up the desktop and there in all the icons was my speech from last year. I sent it to myself and thought I should look at it again. What did I write? Was it any good? Did it make any sense or just jibberish?4

I still read the things I write at times and think, who wrote this? Was this really from inside my mind, my soul’s creations?I am in awe. I am in awe of seeing such expression, raw truth and am searching again for something, I just am unsure of what.

Like everyone, one day you think wow, where did the time go, how did we get to fall? I have been so occupied, with work, life in general and then I ask how helpful has this has been to my mental and physical state?  It did preoccupy me at times when I thought I would melt into a puddle of goo.

I decided to be brave tonight and read some of the older posts, the beginning, the changes and see where I thought I was at and check in on where I want to be.

It didn’t take long for the tears to roll down my face, but also a smile at the same time, the smile a feeling of triumph and victory.

Recently I had a few items that triggered the PTSD at full force. I started to panic and then was able to work on changing the mindset, what I was doing at the time, where I stood, sat, anything that could be changed from previous, I kept myself aware, that it was not the same situation. It did cause my brain to panic to create the fog and feel like I was lost again, but it was only temporarily. I continued the tasks the therapist gave me,  spoke out loud, acknowledged the feelings and gave myself some time and space. The next day I was still a tad off, but could continue moving forward. This was a huge accomplishment for me!

As I haven’t been to therapy for quite some time, you become fearful that everything you worked on could be lost, lost in one moment, the fear of losing yourself again, the fear of not coming back from the depths of the ocean.

This summer we spent time focused on us, Mr. & Mrs. Jones; our alone time together, reading, camping, enjoying the small things in life. The scenery and numerous walks with the pup sitting in front of the water to just breath. The paralysis I felt would disappear and I kept coming back, like clockwork . In my head I was thinking I wasn’t doing anything but living, yet the downtime of solitude gave me more than I could imagine. It gave me even more life and laughter.

People laughing around the campsites, the smell of fires in the pit, children running and playing, it was as if all things were in the distance, not reachable, everything out of touch, just as some movie far away.  I had my own seclusion away from physical daily life and into my own head, it was the right medicine and I think was the saviour for me this year.

In a year, where the focus on me changed and amped up into a much more busy and stressful year, I looked forward to that aloneness, but with my better half. He was truly able to become more in touch with me, the original version, the version he always knew.

12 days later…:

This morning, many many morning from my original writing, as I sit with my caramel coffee, listening to the sounds of the Christmas Choir, I pull out a cherished gift, a coloring book with sharpened pencils in an array of colors, to keep my mind calm to a new day, a new beginning, to new growth.

My body is unfortunately very tired and I am focusing on healing it with more self care aka (wine in tubs) and the warmth of home life that feels as if it hugs my heart; my sanctuary, the tree lights twinkling and the tears roll down my cheeks as I embrace this picture, another sign from those that walk with me, a reminder how far you can walk, run or fly. Anything is possible!

So today dear friends, I leave it there, I leave it as I want to focus on my creation of color, embrace the sounds of a quiet morning, the tones of the choir and the heat running in the background while the storm is a brewing outside.

Love always the storm watching, marveling in life, Woman in Process.

 

 

 

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