It felt like a movie scene. One played out with the characters that you like and dislike. Those that you think play the role of non existent in any aspect of life and those that always get into trouble.
I was waiting for someone to yell cut; scene! It didn’t happen, this truly was my life at this moment.
I seem to have been non existent for a while; caught in the work “bumbleness”of constant issues, drama and challenges. This was not for me.
I have worked too hard to see it all fade away, to see the rebuild and growth of what I had create to vanish. I have spent years carving out “me time”, learning how to get my toolbox out for each person’s issues and mine and to teach lessons.
Was this really how I was going to go? One person’s negligence and a storm effect like a tornado sweeping in and my life torn down like Dorothy’s barn.
The moment time stood still, it truly happens. The moment you decide if you are willing to keep fighting, the moment you see what truly is clear, what truly means most to you, and anger; anger for recklessness, anger for stupidity, anger for uncaring.
This brings me to here, today. Reliving each moment of that day, and tapping my way to being able to ask the person running the roller coast if I may get off now, I have seen enough.
This is the beginning of a new situation that may have put me back on the previous track. May have found my direction again, though my preference would have been a nice note.
Life never seems to happen like that. It can be loving and cold, dark and mesmerizing, bold and dramatic or loving and accepting; the yin and yang of life.
I had no idea that the previous weeks allergic reaction was not out of my system. I carried tablets, but no epi pen or other medications.
I was weakened, and with the storm of recklessness, I was in anaphylaxis. As I watched the people whom I thought would look after me in a distress situation, they all looked to me for their instructions. They couldn’t respond.
I was trapped in that moment thinking this is not how I am going! This was not my vision!
I was gasping for air and inside I’m telling them what to do. How could they not know? Did I not send them to first aid? Did they sleep through the class?
9-1-1 hit the buttons!
I could hear Mr. Jones in my head telling me not to panic, as work mode came on. I prepared to dial the emergency myself while searching for tablets, while the person acting like a Chihuahua was barking at me not knowing what to do. I gasped the beginning of the word now. Get your tablets now. Why let me stand here coughing and losing my air to live?
As I get them in I’m still trapped, call now? Are the tablets working? I still can’t get info to them but I know with my purse in hand and my medical info on my emergency section of my phone they could help me.
That’s when the cavalry walked in and their arms of comfort come around my body. For some reason my sister (she never comes to work) showed up and with her checking me and the tablets in, finally a tiny gasp of air comes in. Time had slowed down.
I’m raw. My throat and chest ache, my soul is aching and I feel completely deflated from this experience. Like anything the after effect is teachable. Each one of them slowly realizing I was suffocating in front of them and they were Jigsaw asking if I wanted to play a game. They were choosing if I lived or died at that moment, but why was it their choice?
I choose to live, however that means.
With the challenges of trust with me, the fight and flight taking place and the nightmares back from the PTSD, I am fully equipped with my required medical items. The fear changed me. Did it change me for better or worse?
I have never been more happy to get home that day, stroke the fur babies now as we have two, and have Mr. Jones hold my hand.
My world turned upside down for a while and now I’m working on just trying to find a happy medium of acceptance of myself at this time.
The others I know it was not intentional, but their lack of trying to help me was. That will take time, and how ever long that is, it is.
In the meantime I can still educate others on it, educate myself and be prepared that no one ever has to deal with this at work again.
The curtain call came and I’m still standing.
Love always from the raspy, bumbling, shoe loving Woman in Process