Realism sometimes is such a downer! You know what I am saying, when you look in the mirror and see that you are older, when you begin to walk sideways down the stairs in the morning, and you forget what you were doing when you leave a room. You just stand there looking around.
Realism knocked me in the ass this weekend. I tried to keep it at arms length but no such go, stupid thing! As I sit here on my deck, with my third leg beside me and a realization that this is how it is at times. I have finally come to grips that I will finally pick out my wheelchair for bad days. Those are the days I cannot really walk but want to do things. Instead of putting all my energy into walking, I can then just enjoy. I can still go for walks with Mr. Jones, though both of us had a visual of the pup running down the hill crazily and me yelling, rolling down with her, but the humour lightened the mood.
This is what real life is, no glitz, no glamour just raw moments, built up into great ones that do make us smile and laugh.
So instead of me diving into all this junk, that’s it today. I have decided I am going to live life though my pups interpretations.
They missed a very important one, if I don’t like it, pee on it. Not sure what my neighbors would think but oh well.
The dream job, yes please! I am thinking we could go into a puppery baconery.
The queen and I were discussing some homemade treats, not sure yet if she is contributing to the baking or just the eating. I believe she is contemplating that question.
Happy Sunday, and if realism is kicking you down today, just pee on it and keep moving forward.
As always, love from the third peg legged Woman in Process
P.S when I do hit the store for my wheels, I’m thinking the first question is, how to do wheelies?
You can picture the scene, one from a dozen horror films playing the creepy music as the killer walks down the street sliding a shovel. The music intensifies as they finally come to a moment where the shovel knocks something out of their path. Welcome to my world for the past two weeks.
It is not by choice that I have become this person, but find the hormonal roller coaster is intensifying as I am aging and walking with a shovel seems to be the normal thing now.
Some of you are thinking, I so get this and others are thinking, you crazy girl. The catch it’s not just me, even Mr. Jones is seeing a difference in himself as he ages. We laugh how we are shrivelling up and we say is this normal?
It is a normal occurrence for each person, we just wish there was a guide manual on expectations, much like the preganancy manual. Instead we are inundated with flyers on planning your own funeral, life insurance and do you have enough money to retire? I miss the days of just a great catalogue showing up, but I am interested in the two for ones at the restaurant or the early bird specials of course.
All you hear from others is its been good, I found myself, (some days I am still hunting for her) I became more confident with myself and insert the sounds of Charlie Browns teacher here on the optimism. I am optimistic, on a different level.
Someone forgot to mention that the changes can last for ever!!!! You can be on the hot flash roller coaster for years. Blankets on, blankets off, blankets on, blankets off, growl! Fans are going all the time even in winter, a warm spring day and you are telling people to turn up the air conditioner, its so hot. One moment you are kind and gentle like Snow White singing and the next you are Godzilla trying to crush everything in your path.
Do you ever feel like you are getting one part of your life under control and then it feels like the marching band is dragging in the next adventure at the end of the parade? Here comes the great theme music and then ta da, hormones!!! Reminds me of being a teenager. Friends are dealing with acne, some have commented no one tells you hair starts growing crazy here, here and here. Your epilady has become your best friend or you wax on and off, to ensure you keep your confidence level up, and are not being recruited for the circus.
The commercials come on and a sad mushy one gets you (me they always did) or you get caught off guard and the tears start to come rolling out of your eyes. Your like what is this? You continue to work towards better health and before you leave the mirror you always lift your chin and double check there is no hair on your chinny chin chin.
Yup, aging is great, the songs I sing to match the feelings I have, let’s start with do your —— hang low, do the wobble to and fro. Insert whatever you like. It seems to be all parts of he body, no part of the body is safe.
So even though I am struggling with the hormones I do appreciate being able to say things very outspoken and not have as much of the second guessing myself, I mentioned before I am somewhat socially awkward when I talk to people, but this me.
Now as I prep myself for today, I have left the shovel in the garage and am hoping for not another re-enactment on a movie, if I do have one, I could become the next horror writer. I am so cracking up at that and the movie titles are just flooding my head. I was going to write to you about forgetfulness, but I forgot what I was going to write.
When I found these pics, I was thinking they get me!!!
Love always the hot flashing Godzilla, the Woman in Process
I had no idea our paths would cross in such a different way today. It is my usual Friday of another week completed and I look back thinking do I remember any of it? It was in a blink of an eye. As I flip my light on, there in my office sits a chest in my one lonely black chair, one that must be lost or misplaced I thought. On the top of the chest was a pink note with not much information for me to start trying to locate whom this may belong to.
I feel the need to apologize to you first Grace, as I needed to try and find a hint of where this chest belonged. I had no idea of the impact you would have on me today, the emotion you brought forth, the pain in my heart after.
As I begin to search for a name, a clue to search our database I knew all to well why this box was here, you must have recently decided to leave this world and head on to a new one to be with your loved one. I pulled pieces out and found your name, some photos, a letter to a member in your family from 1972 telling him he passed his exam and could be a Forester Fireman. The box itself smelled of fire, and inside were prized possessions of fire badges, and other mementos that must have meaned so much to you or you wouldn’t have saved them.
You had the most valuable prize possession in there Grace; a letter to your husband about how much you loved him, cared for him, how grateful you were for him in your life. I only wished I knew who the two of you were in the photos, or if they were of you. You could feel the love you shared, you could see you had built a lifetime together.
I did find who left the chest behind Grace, and I am so sorry they instructed me to throw these possessions out, they were not needed for them. My heart broke at that moment, as I felt like I was throwing away someone’s past, someone’s meaning. To others it might of been paper, to me this was history and for some reason I was given the honour of getting to meet you in a very different manner.
I can only assume what you may have looked like, what your life was about; your delicate handwriting of loops and form, each designing the cursive on perfect rows of unlined paper; not an error, just the feeling that you took your time to write this letter to your husband with care and compassion in the wee hours.
I would loved to have seen more Grace, but your letter was all it took for me to see the most important part of your life. I did learn after some research tonight that your husband is laid to rest not too far from here, I hope you will be at peace now that you are together.
I shared the story and letter with Mr. Jones and he understood as well, why I could not throw it out. So dear Grace, we will bring that letter to you on a day trip out and lay it back to where it belongs with the two of you.
Thank you for sharing a great love story with us in a couple of pages, you really reminded us how special our love is and how frail life can be, so we need to ensure we do not miss out on an opportunity to tell each other. Grace your name will be part of my memories.
It is incredibly early as I enjoy my caramel Starbucks coffee sitting under my electric blanket with the fireplace on. I spend my mornings checking out news, jokes and entertaining myself before the day really begins into the world of duty, but right now it is my time to be one within myself.
Miss Sasha Rose joins me on my side of the couch, once she realizes I’m peeking through the curtains waving to her. Apparently my side was way better, as she jumps up to the couch and is entertaining both of us with a new outlook to the outside world, her tail just a wagging and her excitement, as she explores searching out to the right side of the window as if she has never seen it before. Just for reference this is a series of twelve foot windows, I’m sure she has seen it.
With the weather melting and a new outdoor pool in the backyard, she is making sure she takes in all the new experiences of the season change. Wadding in the puddles, skating on the ice in the morning and our favourite Tom Cruising across the deck; this is quite the sight to see, she definitely reminds me of Scooby Doo here. Each moment brings such laughter to us and I had to put it into a word.
Snortule- defined as the big suck of inhaling air, as you begin to laugh and snort at the same time. This is normally numerous snortules and you cannot stop. I recommend at least five good snortules before returning to adulthood and looking like life sucked the energy out of you. Also recommend breaking down for daily snortule moments to increase your life expectancy.
I realized the other day that this was happening quite often, (that’s the snortules, not the life sucking) and it always makes me laugh harder. How can you not snortule?
I begin to laugh harder and crack myself up, a comic relief on stage. The Doo, has been entertaining me endlessly, with our trip to Starbucks for her puppichino and whipped cream flying everywhere as she inhales it. I had to check my purse, hair and glasses for residue, an armoral wipe was in need for the car. She is the comic relief to each of my days, she is the fun, the life, the energy.
(I feel like Wilson in these photos, “Hey Neighbour”, but look you can see a bit of me).
She is learning an all new perception on photobombing, and I’m sure in no time she will be taking her own selfies with our cats. Insert a snortule here.
The perception of a dog, their attention to detail, their commitment to just being them all all times, brings a person back to that perspective. Some days you have to remind yourself it’s okay to just lay around, watch the traffic, bark out the window, eat and then lay back down. Reality is to take those moments of zen, and harness them with your breath and actually listen to the body.
It took me this long to one day finally grasp the theory of my breath to body, I started yoga over twenty years ago, apparently life just adjusted my glasses with time. I learned then to breath into movements without thinking, naturally and recently reminded myself how far you can go in a movement, how much you can change perspective and how you can fill your life with more snortule moments.
My crazy brain has been salsa dancing on some of these times of practice and after a bit I have managed to wade through the pool to the real items, get into the part of my mind and then calm down the nervous centre. My healing time on my last relapse was incredible, shortest one to date and missing a couple classes in a row, my body is not happy with me, but he was happy to return, my muscles screamed another story.
The physical shape is changing but it’s more of the psychological nature that I am intrigued by. Add in my new regime of how I can eat, (remember Hannibal piece in my mouth trying to put the jaw in) it’s lots of juicing, smoothies, rice, steamed vegetables, soft foods, as my mouth does not open too far, my body seems to be happy with me again. I truly believe this was the next step in my path of recovery. I use the breath for the fears, the anxiety, and I allow myself to tear when I am in practice of yoga if that’s what it needs to release. I even brought one of my dreams and hopes back to the table to work on getting my certification, for pilates. I just re-added it back to the dream board of my goals, so will see where this takes me.
On that, I just realized it’s Friday, can I get a hell ya! And I need to find my Doo who is wadding through the mud in the yard so she can attend day care and play. This way she can have her own snortule moments. Wishing you a weekend of these, please see above should you require assistance on your snortule.
Love always the snortule loving, maybe tooting Woman in Process
It’s 3:30 in the morning, I get up for usual acquaintance in the middle of the night, my toilet and a brief conversation with my cat who hangs out on the heat register. He meows constantly as though he is telling me his most important thoughts and dreams. He finishes his conversation and I head back to my room to try and get the last few hours of sleep.
It is the middle of the night, that can be so challenging, my thoughts wandering to what ifs, the things I must do, the duty, and the unknown of life in general. It normally takes quite some time to finally get it to shut off in my little igloo; I keep my window open or a fan on for the whole year, so it’s a tad chilly.
Today was my usual day of self discovery in my session. At times it feels as though I’m not changing, yet after a few thoughts pop out I receive a new gift of self discovery, where the curve on the road is continuously changing, weaving, even though I may feel it is not.
My little miss is on another grand Paddington Bear adventure into Iceland and the fear overcomes me each time she travels and because she travels alone, more often than not. My anxiety is shooting through the roof with issues and putting fires out at work, yet all I wanted to do was spend a few quiet moments sitting and talking to her. Thank goodness we did talk the night before otherwise my heart would have been broken.
I am living some of my grand adventures with her, at times when we go together on a trip, at times as a family but also through her photography, her journalism writing and the happiness you see in her face when she is somewhere new. I may not be able to fly a long way, due to my issues, but I’m thinking she may have to take me here, as it looks amazing, and breath taking.
I do have to say both Mr. Jones and I both provide her with the usual safety speech as she is meeting new friends, but I always add, make sure you have pictures of your new friends and names. What I really wanted to say is; a copy of their passport and a swab but that’s going over the edge in my mind, right? Or could I just label it as being the protective mother bear.
When I was sixteen, I had to meet with a specialist and was told you would not have children, very unlikely. So the surprise of my little miracle girl was pretty amazing, but also at this point being told that, I had to change. My mind had refocused on other areas that I let become priority and that had went to the bottom of my list, as it was not meant to be and then here it was happening. Even though her biological father was not there for her, Mr. Jones was and still is, he says he forgets she is biologically not his, as to him she is. That is a true father, someone to love you, teach you and keep you safe, that’s a family.
While sitting in my session, I start to describe an area I’m exploring. I had to recently return to an area that causes me great pain, fear and trauma. In a split second it shoots me back to that day and I collapse briefly, gagging, the smell overtakes me. As I come to, I swear, get up and head away from there as quick as I can, tears on my cheeks. Life is messy, sticky, and memories at times are icky. That is what life is, a bundle of all the ick and all the goodness to give us some balance, the Yin and Yang, I think I may have found some recently. I am working on the ickiness of life by becoming my own Nancy Drew, magnifying glass included.
I loved playing the Clue game as a child and I still do. I read mystery books, love watching shows of mystery and can bury myself into a set of clues and not come up for air for a while. I do the same at work when that icky feeling takes over and I know something is off. I work through all the angles, listen to my gut instinct, and read the signs around me, I dissect and solve, even when I know the answer isn’t always great.
Mr. Jones shares a new mystery with me, that we can obtain monthly, delivered to us at home, but they said you have to have the stomach for it. I kind of thought to myself, you deal with some of that in real life, do you think it could help you realize some of the icky parts and the pain it causes you, could you work into the mind of what is actually the reasoning to help you heal? I know it might sound odd, but I’m willing to keep trying to, if it keeps me exploring and diving into areas that can help me continue me be and not be overtaken by the ptsd, not by those sights and smells.
It has its own mind I feel, as if it can pull on one thread on my sweater and unravel weeks or months of work. You then have to work through it and then continue the process. I can see it more when it happens. Just like the clues of a mystery I can see when it is beginning at times in my head or with the anxiety, but I do get caught off guard at times like a swift punch to the face. Those ones I’m trying to figure out, what happened, what was the root, was it brewing for a bit?
So, a few weeks ago I rolled out my yoga mat at class and I have been attending faithfully. It’s not an obsession, but such a learning environment as I channel my breath into each movement, building my strength to fight my own demons and learning how to use the breath to help me; when I have that next episode and scurry away like a mouse instead of the lion that I am.
I am finding a new balance between the ick and the beauty. I know it will take many sessions, but I am ready to harness my energy and continue this healing process. I may also work on some of the anger issues that still overtake me at times, but I know the breath of my body will assist here as well, and maybe a good few kicks at a bag.
I think back to the lady who introduced me to yoga so long ago and how I felt then, and wish I kept it as my daily practice, yet I cannot turn back the time, but change my own perception that maybe it wasn’t the path at that time.
Well on that note, my sleeping Doo is exhausted today, from shopping at the pet store, picking out toys and treats, playing in the dog park, and walking in the sunshine. I wish you the ability to be still, calm the breath and listen to the body. Namaste
Love always, the mat toting, ocean breathing, spandex wearing Woman in Process
My legs are salsa-sing all over the room. I am working on reorganizing my hoarding closet and make sure I don’t have eight of the same style of clothing. I have now begun to take Mr. Jones with me while shopping and he has become my new inner voice.
“Don’t you have something like that?”
“Do you like it?” That normally means ummm how do I tell you, Hell No!!!
“That one is a yes.” That means it accentuates my assets well!
I pull each piece out, change my seasons in my closet to the basement and reconfigure the setup. In the background is my new favorite singer and song playing, Bebe Rexha.
The words just keep pouring out as I feel in sync to what she says. “There is a war inside my head sometimes I wish that I was dead, broken. ”
“You can’t be fixed just take this. I’m so tired trying to be normal I’m always overthinking, I’m driving myself crazy….”
This song! Plus I try to hit each of her tones so I must sound like a drunk cat on the fence, squealing.
I break in between categories in the closet, to pick up an item off the dressing table and use as a microphone, sometimes I think I am still thirteen, singing around my room; somethings never change.
One of my favorite things is to try and take time out and really listen to the music, not just the beat, but to be in the moment, conscious of the feelings it sparks, the words and their depth, the poetry of the song. Such talent these people possess and when you think it is another expression, of their journal, their day to day thoughts, their desires, their heartache, their sorrow, it such such an expression of art.
In the background I have to laugh the song’s chorus on this next song by another artist is,
” Where is my mind?” I ask that to myself on a regular basis, we should talk over coffee.
I find that so many of them are dealing with the same emotions, we are no different than each other, each of us delving into the inner workings and looking for an answer, an answer in being ourselves.
A few weeks ago I began to write this section of a blog, and never finished as my mind has been so crazy, I found the accuracy of it, to be spot on.
As I lay on my bed pondering on the past month, my eyes closing into darkness of my mind, the fireplace blowing on my skin, I listen to my breathing as my body is calming itself, ready to dive into its slumber. The word congestion is what I will use to describe the feeling for a bit. I think it’s a great word, as similar to a cold I feel as though I am stuffed up, not able to express myself. The emotions, my moments of pure joy and life have been buried under tasks, buried so far under the depths of my mind.
I may have fleeting moments, but feel too tired and lazy to express it and then feel constipated by the tension left in my body from not expressing the happiness or sadness I feel. I know let’s talk colds and shit. Seems like life eh?
Yesterday as my body was past exhaustion and I was aiming my attention on getting to my destination, I finally was able to start calming the nerves down and listening to the idle chat around me but, still limiting the amount as it can be overwhelming. The lights bright as we walk into the dimly lit convention center, the adjustment much like the month, adapting but ready for new growth, new life, a new season, a new expression.
For a while I was feeling like a rabid Winnie the Pooh, and was scared for the lives around me. My jaw is always clenched so tight night and day, it seems to have settled down now, thank goodness and I feel lighter and calmer. I feel as if it is the season to renew. I was thinking the other day, how long have I been working on this journey and realized it really never ends, it just keeps changing like the seasons and much like my aged cheese or a fine scotch, more seasoned, more mature, more flavourful outcomes can develop. Maybe my palette is changing?
The feeling of emotional constipation is still there so after a quick run of breaking myself till I tear, I now am feeling more cleared, and ready to wash the rest down the drain as I rinse. I feel at times we must break down to our soul, so we can regrow, renew and find the new path with Dorothy and to my courage.
It is now Sunday, today I’m taking a lesson after the great 125 pound fur baby, I’m just relaxing and keeping things in moderation, yet enjoying the simple tasks of living. After the month of crazy, another bout of the burst eye right after it healed and migraines. I’m ready for sunshine, calmness and ready to welcome the signs of Spring. Might be a bit longer as Mother Nature decided it will storm again and drop the temperatures, but the sun is still shining and it is so beautiful, another picturesque scene and outside looks pretty nice too.
Love always the Hannibal Lectar, Woman in Process
P.S as the tension and damage has caused my jaw to weaken even more, I am now an official ten year old wearing a guard that looks more like they are preventing me from being Hannibal. Not a bad thing for those around me. I don’t always bite, just sometimes. I also drool and slur a lot more!
I have to tell you I write on my phone or as the Bend & Snap girl says (when she made a cameo on Friends) my mobile and you know I am doing the voice. I cannot find my drafts to pull them into the light and add to space, so I dust the computer off, reset the passwords, swear a little (a lot) and find fourteen blogs in limbo land. Mother of pearl! I should rethink my method of madness. I am cackling here.
Once I was back to work from the work excursion and the flights, life became hectic. I’m in a customer service job and we are noticing the economy and the hopefulness change around us. People are beginning to feel less burdened and seem to be making steps to come back to their regular activities and living again.
When the economy changes you see so much depression, hardships on people and it is a waiting game, waiting till it ends or the news tells us so and then everyone changes. There is a new buzz in the air, like the feeling of Spring. (Spring is still a ways away here, with all this snow.)
Last year each of the workers at Mr. Jones work had to take a month off unpaid and we saw rolled back wages. We were still grateful as he was one of the lucky ones. For me, it was to keep squeezing and pinching in the job and cover hours till the economy came back; now we see it, but we are still pinching to help us go forward, to be cautious.
This is one of the many cycles of life and sometimes you get to see what you are made of during those challenges. As anyone does, we think we can’t make it, we scream why me? We cry, we hit our pillows and then we have faith and the world seems more colorful, our optimism returns.
We stripped as much as we could in our daily and monthly expenses and just kept looking at options. It was a start, but when one is focusing on their mental health and working on adapting, some things had to slide and get picked up later, some things were many years in the making and we needed to make some changes.
This was one avenue or ball I let dip for some time. I believe my financial adviser and doctor have seen me more in a month and a bit, than over the past few years. I am working on balancing this part of my life. Just as we worked on my mental health we stripped every aspect of the financial down and are rebuilding, refocusing and putting goals in place.
This one was a tough one, as I have very bad trust issues, so to sit down with someone and even say here is where my financial is and originally where it was, was challenging. I took a deep breath and did it, like pulling off a band-aid. This person worked their butt off and helped us get into a much better position in only a couple weeks. The goals we have of more house renovations are not a dream, the financial security we know we can grow is wonderful!
Now for the next change: I am a shopper for clothes, this comes from being young and not having clothes that fit, outgrowing them and cutting open my favorite shoes, as my feet were getting to big. I really loved those sneakers. (I teared here, I even had colored laces in them).
My first job I bought clothes at every payday and began to fill my closet and then came the accessorizing. I was so happy to have something that I didn’t feel like I was holding my breath in or have pins holding it together. I became a regular clothes and shoe shopper, but I do wear them all, from regular non branded clothes to brand names. I am a clothes hog.
This is one of my weaknesses. I am afraid I won’t have anything one day and be back to those moments of trying to hide in clothes that do not fit; funny how I can’t seem to let that go. Maybe this is an avenue I work on for this year. I know that life is so much more than what we have, what we wear, it’s the goodness of our soul wanting to help, so if I do it in Old Navy or Kate Spade no one is going to care, it’s just me. Oh and just for reference I never buy a full price, I always get a good deal buying either. Let us talk about the pants I found on clearance for $1.97!
Anyways, when Mr. Jones first met me he also saw my pantry and was like are you stocking up for the apocalypse? He didn’t run. Cans on top of cans, stocked and categorized in my pantry. I was afraid of not having food or running out.
He kept reassuring me and it has taken me twenty one years with him of helping me work on decreasing how much I buy when I shop and now I’m okay to just pick up a few things. Sometimes I do panic when I see the pantry doesn’t have canned food in it, and he laughs and says okay we will get a few cans, as he understands it all to well. Maybe this year I focus my canned food habit and stock someone else’s pantry. The soup kitchen is just a few blocks away, and I know they can use it.
The doctor, we are in some ways starting where we left off, besides he is new to me, another change. Picking up each issue and saying oh right, blah blah blah. I am big on not having drugs put into my body, as it does not respond well, (insert the worst theatrical death scene, that is my body as I gag to take anything) I am determined to keep lifestyle a big aspect and have found lately a new determination with that.
I am a bit of a zombie looking creature these days but that is not by choice. My left eye blood vessels keep breaking (monthly), and I look as if someone took a red crayon and colored outside the lines. When you are trying not to let anyone see it, it truly is like the big mole Austin Powers keeps talking about.
At Starbucks the poor lady couldn’t look away from my bleeding eye and became nervous and was fumbling. People stare, clients go into the “Omg what happened?” Just saying I have made up some great stories and laughed at the end so they knew I was kidding.
I am having fun with it, as there is nothing I can do right now, but they are working on all my tests. I’m kind of like meh to it now, because I feel it’s just another medical hurdle; did I mention I was a hurdle jumper in school? Oops and then there was the accident, oh well, I will be over it soon, just have faith.
This week brings upon us the season of love, I have to wonder who thought up to have a day celebrating it, because I see it daily. From dealing with financial goodies, years of medical issues, children and the stickiness of life, Mr. Jones is always there. He is the constant on the changes of life and the challenges.
This week he was adventuresome and went for the first time to a couples massage, I believe I have him converted as he has never gone out for a massage. (His daughter became a massage therapist and he has had one massage, in his life!) He said he had lots of anxiety, but now I’m like, shall I book again? Yes please! He will be a spa junkie for massages like the rest of the famjam. Wishing you a week and year of love with your significant other, in all the stickiness.
Love always the red eyeballed, cliff note writing, Woman in Process
P.S. I know you probably want to see it, but the picture is trapped on the mobile and I guess it is time to update my vintage hand crank computer version or at least add a new hamster to it.
Okay, I was able to add the awful train wreck picture of the eye.
As I look back at the end of this year to see the accomplishments, the fails and the areas I could of course better myself, I am in awe. Awe, because I use to always say; ” On my 40th birthday I want to be hanging off the side of a mountain.” On my 43rd year, I did not grasp what that meant until today. It was the 40th year where my world crumbled, changed, was uprooted from comfort and security to an unknown abyss.
It was the true beginning of the downfall and the rebuild. They say you have to hit rock bottom at some point, before you can rebuild yourself, see you in a new light, and find a new beginning, a new adventure, a new you. During this time I had no clue what was taking place. It wasn’t until this past year of complete exploration on every aspect of my life on my mental health, that I truly began to scale the mountain.
As you begin to learn how to climb you have to first locate all the right equipment, learn how to use it, and have faith in yourself that you can do it. Each time you take a few more steps, stumble, fall and have to start all over again. This has been my world. Until eventually you are in a point on that mountain where you are looking at an amazing scene, you are looking at an accomplishment, you are looking at the regrowth of your spiritual side, the re-development of your self-esteem.
There wasn’t much of a choice, I could either wallow, I could either die (which some days I thought would be easier) or I could try. I decided to try and I’m happy where it’s taken me to.
I am now standing at the top of this mountain and I’m determining what part of my life is next. I am in control. I may still have doubts in myself. I may believe sometimes that I’m unworthy. I may believe that inner voice that puts me down, but I also know that these parts of those beliefs are one side affect of what I deal with.
The sun won’t shine every single day of our lives, the rain has to come down at sometime and I now think for that to keep taking place I will just put on cuter rubber boots. I will splash in the puddles, I will dance in the rain. I will wash the woe and worry from my brain.
I’m trying to figure out what New Year’s resolutions are so important to me for this year. It could be the usual I want to lose 10 pounds or more, I want to learn Spanish and be fluent, I want to be a millionaire, I want to be something I’m not.
This year I am focussing on what I am willing to let myself be. That word has come up again, I started last year with how I wanted to be and a friend of mine just recently reminded me of my word for my year; at some point I forgot and I think I forgot because I was doing, I was being. I created a habit.
She recently bought me four cups; be strong, be calm, be you, be true. These are the words of this year’s resolution. I will be strong in my physical health, I will be strong in keeping my mental health in check, I will be strong by asking for help when I need it, I will be calm when the fear takes over, I will be calm when I feel my world is crashing, I will be me, there is only one of me, no one like me, and I will be true in what I believe, I will be true to those I love, I will be true to fairness, to making a difference in someone else’s life.
I can’t be perfect, nor do I want to be, my imperfections are not scars, but my uniqueness and I’m embracing that. I’m looking forward to 2017 with wide eyes, and with a newfound spirit that I have been defining. Whatever your New Year’s resolutions are, I hope you try, I hope you believe in yourself, and I hope you stay strong and true to you. Not all resolutions are the petals on the flower that are beauty, but may be the dirt that helps the flower grow.
For this last day in December, I wish you a Happy New Year, I wish you strength and perseverance in your own life. I’m looking forward to sharing this next mountain climb with you and who knows where it’s going to take me next.
Love always from the scaling, being, Woman in Process
The trumpet is blasting and the Christmas carols are filling the living room. My undecorated tree is in the corner as the pup gets accustomed to it, waiting for the girl to arrive home so we can spend the season together and embellish the greenery with the endless ornaments we have from the places we have seen. I sound like I could start into the Dr. Seuss rhymes.
My nose is in my new book I received and my head is shaking, I am in spiritual awe. I decided to be adventuresome and join a book exchange for Christmas. I though what the heck, what do I have to lose. You send someone a favourite new book that you fell in love with and then you, as well, receive from others. When the package arrived I had no idea what it was, as I forgot all about it. All the other Christmas parcels had arrived and were tucked under my bed. Don’t tell Mr. Jones!
I rip off the brown paper and there is a book I have never read, The Alchemist. I had heard it mentioned once, but had no idea what it was about. As I was off work for a few holiday days and sick days, I took my book to the bathtub and started reading, this became my daily ritual, (hello large water bill, I welcome you).
I couldn’t put it down! I realized it was a sign, the sign. I had been asking questions on so many levels of my progress and looking for the signs on the next direction. In some ways I felt the signs had dried up, or maybe I was not dialed in enough, I felt frustrated some but realized it was me.
This was the sign, I had been waiting for, from the past few weeks. I believe my journey of the challenges, illness and craziness of work was part of the actual journey, for me to really bring back the refocus on me. I knew what was taking place inside at my heart, but I just didn’t think I did in my head. It was one small fragment, and I wanted more of the new life, the new path, the new story. My ending is not written yet and I am hoping it has a longer journey of discovery and lessons.
Each time I picked up the book, I lost myself in it, embraced the journey in the story, the details, the feeling of despair, sadness and enlightenment. I was bringing back that lesson from last year. One year ago, during boot camp sessions in therapy, of having faith, paying attention and letting my heart guide me, I picked up my life with a new gratitude and started digging. Some days with great encouragement, other days with sorrow and pain.
Each day is different and one item can send me back, but I find I have learned more on how to hang on and as the hand is pushing me down, I have my rope tied off and am still going with much more force. Did I mention my muscle mass has improved as well? Insert me flexing right now and then heading over to see if there is anything good to munch on in the kitchen.
Okay back to this book. I felt even more inspired, each day that I read it was as if that specific passage was written for me on that day. I began to watch again, listen and see the signs. It was as if they were now flashing their neon lights saying, hey you, we have been here waiting, it’s about time you are paying attention.
I completed the book in a couple days and my skin was pruned from each tub. The last day as I was focusing on the last lesson, my focus became more clear. I’m thinking I may reread it again in a month to see if I pick up another area of attention. If you haven’t read it, you may enjoy it, and if you have what did you learn about yourself?
Now I am onto a spooktacular book from a friend and am excited to begin it. Nothing is better than a new book, opening that first page and feeling smart at that time. Just for reference, Homer is now singing s-m-r-t in my head and I laugh every time he does. Yes my mind is still young, just the vessel is aging, I like to hope like fine wine but not stinky cheese!
We have packed up our bags and headed to the farm for a couple days of visits and it’s always nice to get away from the city. As the sun has settled into bed and I take the pup out, I am trying to walk her around in the dark. I feel like Nancy Drew with my flashlight in hand and the banging and clanging of things around us, scaring me.
Nancy though I’m sure didn’t pee herself some, as she is jumping out of her own skin scared from the sounds, the blackness and the unknown, is there an animal right in front of me? My nerves are working overtime as we head for the big yard light to comfort our beating hearts. Even the pup jumped a few times and her nose was up in the air picking up the smells of those in the bush.
Into the house we run, and keep ourselves close to the front area after that. I still remember the same feeling as a kid and being scared at night, yet the day was so calm, and quaint. At least we did manage earlier to take in the abundance of stars in the blackness and at that moment as the wind is blowing, the stars so far away, you realize how you, your family, is just a tiny molecule in this huge universe.
I text Mr. Jones and immediately he sends the Calvin and Hobbs cartoon. It is always fitting. It makes me smile, but also gives me so much perspective as I stand underneath them pondering my life, my dreams, my direction. The wind gusts dancing across my face, as I look up and see a shooting star. I have not had the opportunity to see the stars really well in a long time.
The pup is so unsettled as she is not use to the vastness, the house, the smells and it takes many trips outside before she can stop smelling every piece of ground. I decided if I was out there, I would just look up and that’s what I did, I starred into it all.
The sun is now working its way up over the endless trees around the farm and I’m going to go sit in the window and escape to another dream.
Wishing you a lovely day of uniqueness.
Love from a small speck in the universe, the Woman in Process
P.S I know you are wondering what book did I send? The Diary of Anne Frank, one that makes me cry every time I read it.
I started writing this blog in November and finally the pieces are being put together over the past few weeks, it’s truly amazing what you can see if we are open to where we really are in our lives.
The world is such an odd place at times. We are so quick to wanting answers now, instant gratification and that the expectation is it should not really matter. It doesn’t matter and yet the days are so hectic and crazy, filled with the usual tasks, I feel like a zombie. As I am laying in bed working on slowing down my mind and finding the calming thoughts, it begins to wander.
The pup, more like my moose, is snuggled up on the bed and I try to pull the covers up. Nope! She is like a cement pillar holding everything down from a tornado, she is my anchor. I laugh, pet her some more and turn off the light to pull the fleecy style sheet up against my face, my other hand rubbing the top of her head.
I start to laugh thinking what if my dog purred every time she was happy and realized how much that would be. She is constantly excited, playing, and the best happy is when I see her each time I pick her up from day care or come home and she is waiting for me, giddy in the window. Her purr may run out and I wonder could she purr and wag her tail at the same time? These are much more serious questions that need to be thought about than the mountain of paperwork on my desk, right?
As I write this, her face is shoved into my shoulder trying to get me to tug a war on what is left of a once fluffy toy, not sure what it truly was. Squeak, squeak, the sounds continuously fill the room and I realize it is time to get on to duty, though I would much rather stay here instead. It’s much more peaceful.
My world has felt somewhat overwhelming lately and I am so looking forward to the escape that my mind needs. Absolute nothing. As always, I hear the comments you must be doing too much for Christmas prep, uh nope, I just work. My Christmas prep is so simple; I organize and complete a couple of tasks in a few weeks and the shopping over many months. I don’t have too worry about trying to run to get that accomplished, I am a pro there. Martha move over, because I’m all about imperfections.
The one aspect I have to work on is slowing down my mind and working with the challenges this time of year physically brings me. I then begin to sit down and reassess where I am, what have I missed, am I still making progress? Have I been too busy to notice or see where I am? There are many questions to still find answers for and many I think I must have subconsciously been working on, without realizing.
One day something just switched, I tell my therapist that where I am now, I feel like I can pick up the other bubbles that I had to let go and start focusing on relearning each of them. When your health goes, your mental state there is so much confusion and so much going on you cannot focus on anything more. I passed my one year in November of my complete breakdown. That day still marks a new date, not of what I lost, but the day I started to learn to live again. Your asking was I scared? I sure was, but I had faith.
I was pessimistic last week one day, not normally me and then reminded myself to be open, now realizing it was a sign and I didn’t pay attention, I was focused on other things. That morning I sat with someone, brought out my finances and spent time working on how to start rebuilding my goals as I let it all go. I couldn’t believe in anything anymore, thinking there was no way that I could get there. I was sad, and I was haunted, that to me there wouldn’t be dreams and a beautiful ending, it was all dark.
I decided I was changing that. That morning brought on a new feeling and I felt like one bubble was picked up and placed back up around me. Now how many others did I leave laying around? Let’s not ask that, as I’m sure they will all start bouncing back up when the timing is right.
I picked up the relationship bubble and am slowly working on that, that means with Mr. Jones, friends and co- workers. I have been trying to be conscientious, as not all know, nor understand the black hole that I have been digging myself out of. For visual effects, it literally feels as though a thick and heavy black mud, oil style keeps pulling me down telling me nope this is where you are staying and I’m fighting and clawing my way out, saying f— no I’m not! It’s so suffocating, it really felt like a time to just give up completely, but the stubborn old witch in me is now figuring out how to use that blackness, that mud and turn it into something better.
Paintings are not as dark, there is more life I see and possibilities. I also started to pick up the physical health bubble. Blood pressure is fine, so check I got one right on the list. The doctor will do a complete review with me and I am taking back it in this next year. The mind is so powerful, it can break every spirit we have, rebuild it, and keep renewing our faith.
This season I am focusing on faith, it’s what seemed to get me here and I am looking forward to embracing it more, believing in myself and believing in the good of others.
I wish you a blessed day and think you will hear from me soon, as I think I feel like I may be up the climb of the mountain and looking at the beauty.
Love always the faith embracing Woman in Progress
P.S the pup wrote her letter to Santa, I thought I should share.