Category Archives: Depression

Wannabe Nancy Drew

Chronic Illness, Depression, MS, Personal, PTSD

It’s 3:30 in the morning, I get up for usual acquaintance in the middle of the night, my toilet and a brief conversation with my cat who hangs out on the heat register. He meows constantly as though he is telling me his most important thoughts and dreams. He finishes his conversation and I head back to my room to try and get the last few hours of sleep.

It is the middle of the night, that can be so challenging, my thoughts wandering to what ifs, the things I must do, the duty, and the unknown of life in general. It normally takes quite some time to finally get it to shut off in my little igloo; I keep my window open or a fan on for the whole year, so it’s a tad chilly.

Today was my usual day of self discovery in my session. At times it feels as though I’m not changing, yet after a few thoughts pop out I receive a new gift of self discovery, where the curve on the road is continuously changing, weaving, even though I may feel it is not.

My little miss is on another grand Paddington Bear adventure into Iceland and the fear overcomes me each time she travels and because she travels alone, more often than not. My anxiety is shooting through the roof with issues and putting fires out at work, yet all I wanted to do was spend a few quiet moments sitting and talking to her. Thank goodness we did talk the night before otherwise my heart would have been broken.

I am living some of my grand adventures with her, at times when we go together on a trip, at times as a family but also through her photography, her journalism writing and the happiness you see in her face when she is somewhere new. I may not be able to fly a long way, due to my issues, but I’m thinking she may have to take me here, as it looks amazing, and breath taking.

I do have to say both Mr. Jones and I both provide her with the usual safety speech as she is meeting new friends, but I always add, make sure you have pictures of your new friends and names. What I really wanted to say is; a copy of their passport and a swab but that’s going over the edge in my mind, right? Or could I just label it as being the protective mother bear.

When I was sixteen, I had to meet with a specialist and was told you would not have children, very unlikely. So the surprise of my little miracle girl was pretty amazing, but also at this point being told that, I had to change. My mind had refocused on other areas that I let become priority and that had went to the bottom of my list, as it was not meant to be and then here it was happening. Even though her biological father was not there for her, Mr. Jones was and still is, he says he forgets she is biologically not his, as to him she is. That is a true father, someone to love you, teach you and keep you safe, that’s a family.

While sitting in my session, I start to describe an area I’m exploring. I had to recently return to an area that causes me great pain, fear and trauma. In a split second it shoots me back to that day and I collapse briefly, gagging, the smell overtakes me. As I come to, I swear, get up and head away from there as quick as I can, tears on my cheeks. Life is messy, sticky, and memories at times are icky. That is what life is, a bundle of all the ick and all the goodness to give us some balance, the Yin and Yang, I think I may have found some recently. I am working on the ickiness of life by becoming my own Nancy Drew, magnifying glass included.

I loved playing the Clue game as a child and I still do. I read mystery books, love watching shows of mystery and can bury myself into a set of clues and not come up for air for a while. I do the same at work when that icky feeling takes over and I know something is off. I work through all the angles, listen to my gut instinct, and read the signs around me, I dissect and solve, even when I know the answer isn’t always great.

Mr. Jones shares a new mystery with me, that we can obtain monthly, delivered to us at home, but they said you have to have the stomach for it. I kind of thought to myself, you deal with some of that in real life, do you think it could help you realize some of the icky parts and the pain it causes you, could you work into the mind of what is actually the reasoning to help you heal? I know it might sound odd, but I’m willing to keep trying to, if it keeps me exploring and diving into areas that can help me continue me be and not be overtaken by the ptsd, not by those sights and smells.

It has its own mind I feel, as if it can pull on one thread on my sweater and unravel weeks or months of work. You then have to work through it and then continue the process. I can see it more when it happens. Just like the clues of a mystery I can see when it is beginning at times in my head or with the anxiety, but I do get caught off guard at times like a swift punch to the face. Those ones I’m trying to figure out, what happened, what was the root, was it brewing for a bit?

So, a few weeks ago I rolled out my yoga mat at class and I have been attending faithfully. It’s not an obsession, but such a learning environment as I channel my breath into each movement, building my strength to fight my own demons and learning how to use the breath to help me; when I have that next episode and scurry away like a mouse instead of the lion that I am.

I am finding a new balance between the ick and the beauty. I know it will take many sessions, but I am ready to harness my energy and continue this healing process. I may also work on some of the anger issues that still overtake me at times, but I know the breath of my body will assist here as well, and maybe a good few kicks at a bag.

I think back to the lady who introduced me to yoga so long ago and how I felt then, and wish I kept it as my daily practice, yet I cannot turn back the time, but change my own perception that maybe it wasn’t the path at that time.

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Well on that note, my sleeping Doo is exhausted today, from shopping at the pet store, picking out toys and treats, playing in the dog park, and walking in the sunshine. I wish you the ability to be still, calm the breath and listen to the body. Namaste

Love always, the mat toting, ocean breathing, spandex wearing Woman in Process

 

 

 

So F@&$-ing Crazy

Chronic Illness, Depression, MS, Personal, PTSD

My legs are salsa-sing all over the room. I am working on reorganizing my hoarding closet and make sure I don’t have eight of the same style of clothing. I have now begun to take Mr. Jones with me while shopping and he has become my new inner voice.

“Don’t you have something like that?”

“Do you like it?” That normally means ummm how do I tell you, Hell No!!!

“That one is a yes.” That means it accentuates my assets well!

I pull each piece out, change my seasons in my closet to the basement and reconfigure the setup. In the background is my new favorite singer and song playing, Bebe Rexha.

The words just keep pouring out as I feel in sync to what she says. “There is a war inside my head sometimes I wish that I was dead, broken. ”

“You can’t be fixed just take this. I’m so tired trying to be normal I’m always overthinking, I’m driving myself crazy….”

This song! Plus I try to hit each of her tones so I must sound like a drunk cat on the fence, squealing.

I break in between categories in the closet, to pick up an item off the dressing table and use as a microphone, sometimes I think I am still thirteen, singing around my room; somethings never change.

One of my favorite things is to try and take time out and really listen to the music, not just the beat, but to be in the moment, conscious of the feelings it sparks, the words and their depth, the poetry of the song. Such talent these people possess and when you think it is another expression, of their journal, their day to day thoughts, their desires, their heartache, their sorrow, it such such an expression of art.

In the background I have to laugh the song’s chorus on this next song by another artist is,

” Where is my mind?” I ask that to myself on a regular basis, we should talk over coffee.

I find that so many of them are dealing with the same emotions, we are no different than each other, each of us delving into the inner workings and looking for an answer, an answer in being ourselves.

A few weeks ago I began to write this section of a blog, and never finished as my mind has been so crazy, I found the accuracy of it, to be spot on.

As I lay on my bed pondering on the past month, my eyes closing into darkness of my mind, the fireplace blowing on my skin, I listen to my breathing as my body is calming itself, ready to dive into its slumber. The word congestion is what I will use to describe the feeling for a bit. I think it’s a great word, as similar to a cold I feel as though I am stuffed up, not able to express myself. The emotions, my moments of pure joy and life have been buried under tasks, buried so far under the depths of my mind.

I may have fleeting moments, but feel too tired and lazy to express it and then feel constipated by the tension left in my body  from not expressing the happiness or sadness I feel. I know let’s talk colds and shit. Seems like life eh?

Yesterday as my body was past exhaustion and I was aiming my attention on getting to my destination, I finally was able to start calming the nerves down and listening to the idle chat around me but, still limiting the amount as it can be overwhelming. The lights bright as we walk into the dimly lit convention center, the adjustment much like the month, adapting but ready for new growth, new life, a new season, a new expression.

For a while I was feeling like a rabid Winnie the Pooh, and was scared for the  lives around me. My jaw is always clenched so tight night and day, it seems to have settled down now, thank goodness and I feel lighter and calmer. I feel as if it is the season to renew. I was thinking the other day, how long have I been working on this journey and realized it really never ends, it just keeps changing like the seasons and much like my aged cheese or a fine scotch, more seasoned, more mature, more flavourful outcomes can develop. Maybe my palette is changing?

The feeling of emotional constipation is still there so after a quick run of breaking myself till I tear, I now am feeling more cleared, and ready to wash the rest down the drain as I rinse. I feel at times we must break down to our soul, so we can regrow, renew and find the new path with Dorothy and to my courage.

It is now Sunday, today I’m taking a lesson after the great 125 pound fur baby, I’m just relaxing and keeping things in moderation, yet enjoying the simple tasks of living. After the month of crazy, another bout of the burst eye right after it healed and migraines. I’m ready for sunshine, calmness and ready to welcome the signs of Spring. Might be a bit longer as Mother Nature decided it will storm again and drop the temperatures, but the sun is still shining and it is so beautiful, another picturesque scene and outside looks pretty nice too.

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Love always the Hannibal Lectar, Woman in Process

P.S as the tension and damage has caused my jaw to weaken even more, I am now an official ten year old wearing a guard that looks more like they are preventing me from being Hannibal. Not a bad thing for those around me. I don’t always bite, just sometimes.  I also drool and slur a lot more!

True Love

Chronic Illness, Depression, MS, Personal, PTSD

I have to tell you I write on my phone or as the Bend & Snap girl says (when she made a cameo on  Friends) my mobile and you know I am doing the voice. I cannot find my drafts to pull them into the light and add to space, so I dust the computer off, reset the passwords, swear a little (a lot) and find fourteen blogs in limbo land. Mother of pearl! I should rethink my method of madness. I am cackling here.

Once I was back to work from the work excursion and the flights, life became hectic. I’m in a customer service job and we are noticing the economy and the hopefulness change around us.  People are beginning to feel less burdened and seem to be making steps to come back to their regular activities and living again.

When the economy changes you see so much depression, hardships on people and it is a waiting game, waiting till it ends or the news tells us so and then everyone changes. There is a new buzz in the air, like the feeling of Spring. (Spring is still a ways away here, with all this snow.)

Last year each of the workers at Mr. Jones work had to take a month off unpaid and we saw rolled back wages. We were still grateful as he was one of the lucky ones. For me, it was to keep squeezing and pinching in the job and cover hours till the economy came back; now we see it, but we are still pinching to help us go forward, to be cautious.

This is one of the many cycles of life and sometimes you get to see what you are made of during those challenges. As anyone does, we think we can’t make it, we scream why me? We cry, we hit our pillows and then we have faith and the world seems more colorful, our optimism returns.

We stripped as much as we could in our daily and monthly expenses and just kept looking at options. It was a start, but when one is focusing on their mental health and working on adapting, some things had to slide and get picked up later, some things were many years in the making and we needed to make some changes.

This was one avenue or ball I let dip for some time. I believe my financial adviser and doctor have seen me more in a month and a bit, than over the past few years. I am working on balancing this part of my life. Just as we worked on my mental health we stripped every aspect of the financial down and are rebuilding, refocusing and putting goals in place.

This one was a tough one, as I have very bad trust issues, so to sit down with someone and even say here is where my financial is and originally where it was, was challenging. I took a deep breath and did it, like pulling off a band-aid. This person worked their butt off and helped us get into a much better position in only a couple weeks. The goals we have of more house renovations are not a dream, the financial security we know we can grow is wonderful!

Now for the next change: I am a shopper for clothes, this comes from being young and not having clothes that fit, outgrowing them and cutting open my favorite shoes, as my feet were getting to big. I really loved those sneakers. (I teared here, I even had colored laces in them).

My first job I bought clothes at every payday and began to fill my closet and then came the accessorizing. I was so happy to have something that I didn’t feel like I was holding my breath in or have pins holding it together.  I became a regular clothes and shoe shopper, but I do wear them all, from regular non branded clothes to brand names. I am a clothes hog.

This is one of my weaknesses. I am afraid I won’t have anything one day and be back to those moments of trying to hide in clothes that do not fit;  funny how I can’t seem to let that go. Maybe this is an avenue I work on for this year. I know that life is so much more than what we have, what we wear, it’s the goodness of our soul wanting to help, so if I do it in Old Navy or Kate Spade no one is going to care, it’s just me. Oh and just for reference I never buy a full price, I always get a good deal buying either. Let us talk about the pants I found on clearance for $1.97!

Anyways, when Mr. Jones first met me he also saw my pantry and was like are you stocking up for the apocalypse? He didn’t run. Cans on top of cans, stocked and categorized in my pantry. I was afraid of not having food or running out.

He kept reassuring me and it has taken me twenty one years with him of helping me work on decreasing how much I buy when I shop and now I’m okay to just pick up a few things. Sometimes I do panic when I see the pantry doesn’t have canned food in it, and he laughs and says okay we will get a few cans, as he understands it all to well. Maybe this year I focus my canned food habit and stock someone else’s pantry. The soup kitchen is just a few blocks away, and I know they can use it.

The doctor, we are in some ways starting where we left off, besides he is new to me, another change. Picking up each issue and saying oh right, blah blah blah. I am big on not having drugs put into my body, as it does not respond well, (insert the worst theatrical death scene, that is my body as I gag to take anything) I am determined to keep lifestyle a big aspect and have found lately a new determination with that.

I am a bit of a zombie looking creature these days but that is not by choice. My left eye blood vessels keep breaking (monthly), and I look as if someone took a red crayon and colored outside the lines. When you are trying not to let anyone see it, it truly is like the big mole Austin Powers keeps talking about.

At Starbucks the poor lady couldn’t look away from my bleeding eye and became nervous and was fumbling. People stare, clients go into the “Omg what happened?” Just saying I have made up some great stories and laughed at the end so they knew I was kidding.

I am having fun with it, as there is nothing I can do right now, but they are working on all my tests. I’m kind of like meh to it now, because I feel it’s just another medical hurdle; did I mention I was a hurdle jumper in school? Oops and then there was the accident, oh well,  I will be over it soon, just have faith.

This week brings upon us the season of love, I have to wonder who thought up to have a day celebrating it, because I see it daily. From dealing with financial goodies, years of medical issues, children and the stickiness of life, Mr. Jones is always there. He is the constant on the changes of life and the challenges.

This week he was adventuresome and went for the first time to a couples massage, I believe I have him converted as he has never gone out for a massage. (His daughter became a massage therapist and he has had one massage, in his life!) He said he had lots of anxiety, but now I’m like, shall I book again? Yes please! He will be a spa junkie for massages like the rest of the famjam. Wishing you a week and year of love with your significant other, in all the stickiness.

Love always the red eyeballed, cliff note writing, Woman in Process

P.S. I know you probably want to see it, but the picture is trapped on the mobile and I guess it is time to update my vintage hand crank computer version or at least add a new hamster to it.

Okay, I was able to add the awful train wreck picture of the eye.

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Desperately needing eye cream! Please send!

 

 

Dear Mr. Airline

Depression, MS, Personal, PTSD

I have been writing blogs and with the changes on the site been slow to get anything posted. This is a letter I recently wrote regarding showing how grateful I was.

Dear Mr. Airline,

I have been humming about sending you my note but realized if you don’t know you cannot learn from it. The catch is, this enters a very personal space of my life, so I know it will be kept in confidence.

I was flying home from xyz from a work conference. I was so pleased to get to go, as I have spent over the past year working with assistance with PTSD from numerous traumatic events. The flight there was the first time I didn’t feel overly emotional getting on a plane and was feeling optimistic about the whole trip. I was so excited and enjoyed the week of fellowship and blessings.

Upon the return I want to tell you about a few people, places and how things began. This might assist you in the future and how grateful I was for two workers.
It was 4am and I am up and ready to go downstairs to my hotel around 5. We are waiting for our cab and the hotel has advised it is coming. Needless to say, our taxi finally arrived and we got to the airport at 6 am. We already knew we were late which is not us, and it was stressing us out, as we we were heading home and there is no place we would rather be.

As I approach the lady for the flight, that was when she started into her reprimand on the flight, the time and it just kept going on and on.  I am quiet at this point, as this gate keeper decides if I get home to my family and my dog. Four days without her is hard, as she is there for the Ptsd. She keeps continuing on, tells me my bag is overweight and I say charge me.

Dumbfounded she says you don’t want to take anything out? I said nope charge me. My insides are screaming and it’s being added by the MS that I deal with starting to take over. She keeps talking about the time etc, I finally say in my small voice, just for reference, I know we are late, we are sorry, we have been waiting for our cab since this time.

I take my bag over to another lady at an Xxxxxxzzz sign and say xcxxxc? She says yes. Both are not seeming to be all that happy that morning. These jobs, like mine are where we play actresses. We smile, we do the work, each guest needs to be separated from the last.

At this point I hear her fumbling my name out loud and she has just realized another thing. At that moment all I want is to run, scream into something, but I am cool and turn. She is stuttering I see it says you may need a wheelchair? In my head I’m thinking not from you, as I’m sure you would like to push me off something. I respond with the no thanks, my ms was currently at bay, and to leave it on my status as I do not know how I will be when I hit Xxxxxxx I can feel the shakes starting, I am at the very max this morning, and the stress is starting to rise. Now I’m thinking ok, you got this and head to security.

Everything is fine as I pass through, then another woman who begins talking to me, as if she has watched one too many reality tv shows is telling me she is confiscating my cane because I am not on it. I am now angry and start with the bombarded emotions inside me trying to keep them at bay. I tell her absolutely not as I have been on this cane since I was 27 and it is set and configured to me. She is full of something, is the way I will describe her.

She tells me I have to come in on my cane and be on it or not have one.  Seriously people? I deal with grief and loss every time I have to go on the cane. Yet right now the first woman judged me at check in and didn’t pay attention and now another.

My anger is forming in my eyes as I feel very disrespected. As the lady is dishing I finally say, I am so very sorry that my MS is an inconvenience for you all and I was not on my cane, it was because I didn’t need to be, but I’m sure that will change now. I had to say something.

I am bewildered. She finally gets off her horse and turns more human. I walk through, and all the agents are apologizing as they do not agree with this rule. Each of them coming over with something to say.  One gives me the info to complain. I will. She tries to talk to me again and I cannot.  I just needed strength as what they didn’t realize was again, they judged me, that morning and they both added a huge weight to my shoulders.

I am the flyer who has everything bagged, pulls it out, proper shoes yet I get stopped at every airport and questioned at security. I asked once, they said it was because I was laughing and smiled. I said bull what was it about me that I am judged for? I still do not know.

Anyways needless to say I am in tears. I just want to be home and go to sleep. I get on the plane and am trying to control the tears, but can’t, they activated the button and it will stop when they are ready to.

Taking off is a challenge as I have permanent vertigo, thank you MS and I am trying to settle my nerves. For a half hour I keep my head down, tears streaming. We do our safety demonstration, and we have the two agents in the front. I hear another agent respond to another guest and I am thinking Dear Lizza, when did customer service get so bad? When did we stop caring for humans?

I am the last person in the front for the front attendant to bring snack items to. The man, Dxxxcm, I remember because he said Dxxxcm with an m, assists me. He has seen that I was tearing.

I order a croissant ham and cheese, and am eating, have my beverage and snacks and he was kind, he says I’m going to check on you to make sure you are good. He showed compassion. Thank you.

He asks me how the sandwich was and I say fabulous, thank you, I am grateful. Just for reference that was a completely dried out hard croissant, but I won’t tell him that because he was showing a wonderful human and caring side, you never let that go unnoticed.

That flight is done, and I am sitting on the plane for the next one to head home. The flight is cancelled. I’m disappointed but hell, I would rather be alive, and I work on blocking out the negativity around me.

Off the plane we go and as I am standing there, another worker who assists on the run way can see something is wrong with me. I’m now shaking, starting to have trouble moving, and nodding. I know I will have to go on my cane soon, as much as I fight it. He tells me not too worry, I don’t need to line up and I can go ahead and sit down. Compassion, thank you.

We receive our instructions and off we go. People trying to get there as fast as possible, me at my pace thinking, I wonder if I have time to see my daughter in xxxxxxx?

Luggage in hand, I’m in line and I can hear the people reprimanding the agents. I get to mine and I say I was going to ask how your day was going but I think I know.  She says I was going to ask you the same; we laugh and I remark there is always a reason for things to happen. She realizes about the wheelchair immediately and we chat. I told her I now have to go on my cane, as this morning of flying has done me in. She lets me know to find them and they will assist me if I want them to. I am grateful for her kindness.

I text my daughter, she has no university or work today and I get to see my baby. Off to lunch she whisks me away and I get some bonding time that is so precious with my girl.

When I get back to check in, I head to security and they can see, I am now hunched over, losing my strength, you can see my face has changed. I look awful. They get me into a quick line and then another man sees it’s taking too long and moves me to another.

I cannot even lift my bag up now. This is when I would just sleep all these symptoms away. They help me get my bag and articles put up on the conveyor, complete their checks, find my computer and run it through again. Another lady says we can get you sitting down and then they, as she points can take you where you need to go in their golf cart.

I get settled, packed up and the lady says where I need to go, she will request a wheelchair for me. Here is where I meet Exxx from xxxxxx. Excx and me begin to chat and takes me to the facility. I wait for the wheelchair washroom to watch a able bodied Tsa agent come out and she looks at me in the chair with my cane.

As we walk Exca asks if it’s ok to ask me? I tell her I have MS. She tells me her step mother had it and how she ended up hating life and was angry. We talk about all the things I do, I run a business, I work full time, and about how today I’m like this, but probably in a week I will be working on training for my next running race. We talk about life, and how I see it, with gratitude. She is so very kind and leaves me with some very kind and caring words. That made me tear, I am a cupcake. She didn’t judge me by my book jacket.

So from my day starting out off the wrong foot and ending with the words from her. I was able to see so many good things in a day that started out so wrong.
P.S you owe me a fresh croissant next time I fly.

Love always the not made for flying,  Spooktacular Witch

I apologize, I have fixed the formatting and still it comes out not correct, oh well!

Scaling the Mountain

Chronic Illness, Depression, MS, Personal, PTSD

As I look back at the end of this year to see the accomplishments, the fails and the areas I could of course better myself, I am in awe. Awe, because I use to always say; ” On my 40th birthday I want to be hanging off the side of a mountain.” On my 43rd year, I did not grasp what that meant until today. It was the 40th year where my world crumbled, changed, was uprooted from comfort and security to an unknown abyss.

It was the true beginning of the downfall and the rebuild. They say you have to hit rock bottom at some point, before you can rebuild yourself, see you in a new light, and find a new beginning, a new adventure, a new you.  During this time I had no clue what was taking place. It wasn’t until this past year of complete exploration on every aspect of my life on my mental health, that I truly began to scale the mountain.

As you begin to learn how to climb you have to first locate all the right equipment, learn how to use it, and have faith in yourself that you can do it.  Each time you take a few more steps, stumble, fall and have to start all over again. This has been my world.  Until eventually you are in a point on that mountain where you are looking at an amazing scene, you are looking at an accomplishment, you are looking at the regrowth of your spiritual side,  the re-development of your self-esteem.

There wasn’t much of a choice, I could either wallow, I could either die (which some days I thought would be easier) or I could try. I decided to try and I’m happy where it’s taken me to.

I am now standing at the top of this mountain and I’m determining what part of my life is next. I am in control. I may still have doubts in myself.  I may believe sometimes that I’m unworthy. I may believe that inner voice that puts me down, but I also know that these parts of those beliefs are one side affect of what I deal with.

The sun won’t shine every single day of our lives, the rain has to come down at sometime and I now think for that to keep taking place I will just put on cuter rubber boots. I will splash in the puddles, I will dance in the rain. I will wash the woe and worry from my brain.

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I’m trying to figure out what New Year’s resolutions are so important to me for this year. It could be the usual I want to lose 10 pounds or more, I want to learn Spanish and be fluent, I want to be a millionaire,  I want to be something I’m not.

This year I am focussing on what I am willing to let myself be. That word has come up again, I started last year with how I wanted to be and a friend of mine just recently reminded me of my word for my year; at some point I forgot and I think I forgot because I was doing, I was being. I created a habit.

She recently bought me four cups; be strong, be calm, be you, be true.  These are the words of this year’s resolution. I will be strong in my physical health, I will be strong in keeping my mental health in check, I will be strong by asking for help when I need it, I will be calm when the fear takes over, I will be calm when I feel my world is crashing, I will be me, there is only one of me, no one like me, and I will be true in what I believe, I will be true to those I love, I will be true to fairness, to making a difference in someone else’s life.

I can’t be perfect, nor do I want to be, my imperfections are not scars, but my uniqueness and I’m embracing that.  I’m looking forward to 2017 with wide eyes, and with a newfound spirit that I have been  defining.  Whatever your New Year’s resolutions are, I hope you try, I hope you believe in yourself, and I hope you stay strong and true to you. Not all resolutions are the petals on the flower that are beauty, but may be the dirt that helps the flower grow.

For this last day in December, I wish you a Happy New Year, I wish you strength  and perseverance in your own life. I’m looking forward to sharing this next mountain climb with you and who knows where it’s going to take me next.

Love always from the scaling, being, Woman in Process

Sleigh Bells Ring, Are You Listening?

Chronic Illness, Depression, MS, Personal, PTSD

The trumpet is blasting and the Christmas carols are filling the living room. My undecorated tree is in the corner as the pup gets accustomed to it, waiting for the girl to arrive home so we can spend the season together and embellish the greenery with the endless ornaments we have from the places we have seen. I sound like I could start into the Dr. Seuss rhymes.

My nose is in my new book I received and my head is shaking, I am in spiritual awe. I decided to be adventuresome and join a book exchange for Christmas. I though what the heck, what do I have to lose. You send someone a favourite new book that you fell in love with and then you, as well, receive from others. When the package arrived I had no idea what it was, as I forgot all about it. All the other Christmas parcels had arrived and were tucked under my bed. Don’t tell Mr. Jones!

I rip off the brown paper and there is a book I have never read, The Alchemist. I had heard it mentioned once, but had no idea what it was about. As I was off work for a few holiday days and sick days, I took my book to the bathtub and started reading, this became my daily ritual, (hello large water bill, I welcome you).

I couldn’t put it down! I realized it was a sign, the sign.  I had been asking questions on so many levels of my progress and looking for the signs on the next direction. In some ways I felt the signs had dried up, or maybe I was not dialed in enough, I felt frustrated some but realized it was me.

This was the sign, I had been waiting for, from the past few weeks. I believe my journey of the challenges, illness and craziness of work was part of the actual journey, for me to really bring back the refocus on me. I knew what was taking place inside at my heart, but I just didn’t think I did in my head. It was one small fragment, and I wanted more of the new life, the new path, the new story. My ending is not written yet and I am hoping it has a longer journey of discovery and lessons.

Each time I picked up the book, I lost myself in it, embraced the journey in the story, the details, the feeling of despair, sadness and enlightenment. I was bringing back that lesson from last year. One year ago, during boot camp sessions in therapy,  of having faith, paying attention and letting my heart guide me, I picked up my life with a new gratitude and started digging. Some days with great encouragement, other days with sorrow and pain.

Each day is different and one item can send me back, but I find I have learned more on how to hang on and as the hand is pushing me down, I have my rope tied off and am still going with much more force. Did I mention my muscle mass has improved as well? Insert me flexing right now and then heading over to see if there is anything good to munch on in the kitchen.

Okay back to this book. I felt even more inspired, each day that I read it was as if that specific passage was written for me on that day. I began to watch again, listen and see the signs. It was as if they were now flashing their neon lights saying, hey you, we have been here waiting, it’s about time you are paying attention.

I completed the book in a couple days and my skin was pruned from each tub. The last day as I was focusing on the last lesson, my focus became more clear. I’m thinking I may reread it again in a month to see if I pick up another area of attention. If you haven’t read it, you may enjoy it, and if you have what did you learn about yourself?

Now I am onto a spooktacular book from a friend and am excited to begin it. Nothing is better than a new book, opening that first page and feeling smart at that time. Just for reference, Homer is now singing s-m-r-t in my head and I laugh every time he does. Yes my mind is still young, just the vessel is aging, I like to hope like fine wine but not stinky cheese!

We have packed up our bags and headed to the farm for a couple days of visits and it’s always nice to get away from the city. As the sun has settled into bed and I take the pup out, I am trying to walk her around in the dark. I feel like Nancy Drew with my flashlight in hand and the banging and clanging of things around us, scaring me.

Nancy though I’m sure didn’t pee herself some, as she is jumping out of her own skin scared from the sounds, the blackness and the unknown, is there an animal right in front of me? My nerves are working overtime as we head for the big yard light to comfort our beating hearts. Even the pup jumped a few times and her nose was up in the air picking up the smells of those in the bush.

Into the house we run, and keep ourselves close to the front area after that. I still remember the same feeling as a kid and being scared at night, yet the day was so calm, and quaint. At least we did manage earlier to take in the abundance of stars in the blackness and at that moment as the wind is blowing, the stars so far away, you realize how you, your family, is just a tiny molecule in this huge universe.

I text Mr. Jones and immediately he sends  the Calvin and Hobbs cartoon. It is always fitting. It makes me smile, but also gives me so much perspective as I stand underneath them pondering my life, my dreams, my direction. The wind gusts dancing across my face, as I look up and see a shooting star. I have not had the opportunity to see the stars really well in a long time.

The pup is so unsettled as she is not use to the vastness, the house, the smells and it takes many trips outside before she can stop smelling every piece of ground. I decided if I was out there, I would just look up and that’s what I did, I starred into it all.

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The sun is now working its way up over the endless trees around the farm and I’m going to go sit in the window and escape to another dream.

Wishing you a lovely day of uniqueness.

Love from a small speck in the universe, the Woman in Process

P.S I know you are wondering what book did I send? The Diary of Anne Frank, one that makes me cry every time I read it.

On Hold

Chronic Illness, Depression, MS, Personal, PTSD, ,

I started writing this blog in November and finally the pieces are being put together over the past few weeks, it’s truly amazing what you can see if we are open to where we really are in our lives.

The world is such an odd place at times. We are so quick to wanting answers now, instant gratification and that the expectation is it should not really matter. It doesn’t matter and yet the days are so hectic and crazy, filled with the usual tasks, I feel like a zombie. As I am laying in bed working on slowing down my mind and finding the calming thoughts, it begins to wander.

The pup, more like my moose, is snuggled up on the bed and I try to pull the covers up. Nope! She is like a cement pillar holding everything down from a tornado, she is my anchor. I laugh, pet her some more and turn off the light to pull the fleecy style sheet up against my face, my other hand rubbing the top of her head.

I start to laugh thinking what if my dog purred every time she was happy and realized how much that would be. She is constantly excited, playing, and the best happy is when I see her each time I pick her up from day care or come home and she is waiting for me, giddy in the window. Her purr may run out and I wonder could she purr and wag her tail at the same time? These are much more serious questions that need to be thought about than the mountain of paperwork on my desk, right?

As I write this, her face is shoved into my shoulder trying to get me to tug a war on what is left of a once fluffy toy, not sure what it truly was. Squeak, squeak, the sounds continuously fill the room and I realize it is time to get on to duty, though I would much rather stay here instead. It’s much more peaceful.

My world has felt somewhat overwhelming lately and I am so looking forward to the escape that my mind needs. Absolute nothing. As always, I hear the comments you must be doing too much for Christmas prep, uh nope, I just work. My Christmas prep is so simple; I organize and complete a couple of tasks in a few weeks and the shopping over many months. I don’t have too worry about trying to run to get that accomplished, I am a pro there. Martha move over, because I’m all about imperfections.

The one aspect I have to work on is slowing down my mind and working with the challenges this time of year physically brings me. I then begin to sit down and reassess where I am, what have I missed, am I still making progress? Have I been too busy to notice or see where I am? There are many questions to still find answers for and many I think I must have subconsciously been working on, without realizing.

One day something just switched, I tell my therapist that where I am now, I feel like I can pick up the other bubbles that I had to let go and start focusing on relearning each of them. When your health goes, your mental state there is so much confusion and so much going on you cannot focus on anything more. I passed my one year in November of my complete breakdown. That day still marks a new date, not of what I lost, but the day I started to learn to live again. Your asking was I scared? I sure was, but I had faith.

I was pessimistic last week one day, not normally me and then reminded myself to be open, now realizing it was a sign and I didn’t pay attention, I was focused on other things. That morning I sat with someone, brought out my finances and spent time working on how to start rebuilding my goals as I let it all go. I couldn’t believe in anything anymore, thinking there was no way that I could get there. I was sad, and I was haunted, that to me there wouldn’t be dreams and a beautiful ending, it was all dark.

I decided I was changing that. That morning brought on a new feeling and I felt like one bubble was picked up and placed back up around me. Now how many others did I leave laying around? Let’s not ask that, as I’m sure they will all start bouncing back up when the timing is right.

I picked up the relationship bubble and am slowly working on that, that means with Mr. Jones, friends and co- workers.  I have been trying to be conscientious, as not all know, nor understand the black hole that I have been digging myself out of. For visual effects, it literally feels as though a thick and heavy black mud, oil style keeps pulling me down telling me nope this is where you are staying and I’m fighting and clawing my way out, saying f— no I’m not! It’s so suffocating, it really felt like a time to just give up completely, but the stubborn old witch in me is now figuring out how to use that blackness, that mud and turn it into something better.

Paintings are not as dark, there is more life I see and possibilities. I also started to pick up the physical health bubble. Blood pressure is fine, so check I got one right on the list. The doctor will do a complete review with me and I am taking back it in this next year. The mind is so powerful, it can break every spirit we have, rebuild it, and keep renewing our faith.

This season I am focusing on faith, it’s what seemed to get me here and I am looking forward to embracing it more, believing in myself and believing in the good of others.

I wish you a blessed day and think you will hear from me soon, as I think I feel like I may be up the climb of the mountain and looking at the beauty.

Love always the faith embracing Woman in Progress

P.S the pup wrote her letter to Santa, I thought I should share.

 

 

 

 

 

What Can I Say?

Depression, MS, Personal, PTSD, ,

The past few weeks feel as though I am on California Screamin’, a quick rush through the ride and then done. Each day has felt like that, as though the day, the week, have spewed by and somehow I missed it. I think I may require the Cliff notes so that I can follow along.

Work: busy with lots of daily tasks. Desk covered in post it notes and endless lists as I tackle tasks, cross them off and keep adding. Who said things were slow! How many post it notes does it take to cover a desk? My pen has run out of ink and my computer is taking temporary shutdowns to try and recover. Note to self, bring matches, it’s budget season, oh and a hammer, I am doing maintenance as well. Need more duct tape.

Home: decorating, crafting, husband busy, Halloween looked great, repacked, starting my winter decorating. Reorganizing, small things at a time and cricuting when I can. Reading the never ending book because I read a page and am passed out before the next. Thank gosh the library lets me renew three times, if I don’t get to the ending soon, I won’t have to worry as I will just forget anyways!

Dog: growing quickly and becoming more gentle and kind. She is a gentle giant. She now has turned into a loving crawling into the covers, when it’s cold and likes to lay sideways across the bed whenever she can, probably to tell me it’s her bed not mine. I make her share. She is a treat sucking connoisseur of fine treats and is meeting new friends twice a week. She is still enjoying coming to work and likes to demand my attention with her paws on my desk on the other side like a mob boss. Her love is unbelievable!

My girl: turned 21 today and is on an adventure on her own for a few days. She does have an incredible spirit ans I am happy, as she has been having a tough go and needed to find herself. I think she has.

Photos: Still taking lots of photos and trying to recover what is happening in my daily life and so I can remember later on. Need to get back to my dog growing book this weekend. Need to pull out the big camera and find more inspiration to just breath. Need to not get upset, stomp camera lens, or throw it puddle. Note to self.

Health: uhhhh can I skip this one. Relapse, better, downward trend, feeling better, running like crazy woman, feel crappy, lose mobility, come back up some, friend passes, aunt passes, nose dive, back up, looking fabulous and can’t stop smiling, and then it starts all over again. I’m exhausted just writing that, but living it, some days is hell and other days I look for my rainbow why god keeps me here or the leprechaun on the other end for the pot of gold. I will have to ask, anyone know his number as it’s not in the memory on my phone.  I felt like it’s a fight song for football; stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight. I have my own cheering squad in my head. I also did do a yoga class on dealing with chronic pain, that was great and I had more movement. Score it’s a winner! I wasn’t even drunk that morning.

Wine: not enough drank but did add to the rack because I believe you need to be prepared. This way I have for whatever ends in day. That’s someday, one day, weekday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, every day, oh and we must add the eluded screw it day!

Scotch: bought bottle for my birthday, had a dram, husband got into it like it was cheezies or my popcorn. Have not bought anymore since. Insert sad face.

Coffee: drank way too much, slowing down at least I thought and then drank more to help me find some kind of energy. Nope not found yet, still searching, may add coffee day to listing and chase with wine. Hmmm I could start a new group with this.

Temperment: ask my assistant if anyone has been missing, insert my evil laugh here. Doing pretty good with all the curve balls, working on hitting them out of the park. Just keep telling myself I got this shit.

Well I think that’s a bit of the note sections, I will have to check the table of contents to see what I missed and get caught up so that I know which way is up.

As always, love the, who’s life is this, where the hell is my scotch, how come I get no part of the bed, Woman in Process

P.S I’m thinking of hiding the spare cheezies and scotch bottle but think the bloodhound, Mr. Jones will sniff them out. He always seems to know. Testing this weekend. Slainte!

 

 

 

 

The Fog

Chronic Illness, Depression, Halloween, PTSD

The fog is rolling in and creating an eery feeling for the night before Halloween. A slight mist seems to settle on my nose and glasses. The pup continues to frolick and run with a stick she had pulled off a tree; at least she isn’t dragging the whole tree around the yard again.

I am so excited for tomorrow, another Halloween and another birthday. 147 now? I can’t remember after this long, but am so mesmerized by what Halloween or the day of the dead is for me, I am so excited for the morning.

As a girlfriend said this Halloween morning, she woke up at the witching hour, I laughed and told her not to worry, she was safe. From the power outages in the day, the endless feeling of eerieness and spookiness at work, it added to the hotel California season that I love so much. More lanterns and pumpkins were added to the yard, my cricut was amped up making my spooky signs and the candy was wrapped up in the box so I did not sample too much, and actually had some for our treaters.

The costumes from beautiful princesses, to  scary zombies and amazing handmade ones show casing their talent; the pup and I took it all in, or I should day’s Scooby Doo and Shaggy did. She barked a few times, then would settle out as the kids would start talking to her and she would get a few pets.

It was a great night, and who wouldn’t love that you can be anyone you choose on this day. Your mask can come off and you can even be yourself. You get to give something small, like candy or stickers to make people smile or laugh. You can frighten some, and be creative in your design with the endless possibilities of yard decorating.

It is a highlight for me, and it also signals the next phase, a new path and opportunities. I made it through a month that has challenged me greatly, that gave me heart ache and sadness, that created my mental disintegration and changed my world to be upside down.

So for tonight, I am looking at the world from that upside down angle and will see if I can see the next lesson, the next path, the next focal point. One that can help me to develop more into the person I would like to be.

I hope you had a spooktacular Halloween and I will be back soon. I left my car without gas, so thank goodness my broom is by the door to get me to work tomorrow.

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Her treat bucket had Scooby Snacks in the box.

Love always the broom riding, spell casting,Woman in Process

My Value

Chronic Illness, Depression, Halloween, MS, Personal, PTSD

The news is everywhere,the horrible things being said daily by people, tragedies and worry. I decided to take a bit of a break, shut off the world and get to know myself again.

I needed a break, my way of picking and choosing what I would like to hear. Work has been consuming me, my energy low, and I have been spending time by myself to help me strengthen my soul to get me through, all the memories. I needed to find myself, she was starting to disappear again, and I know it wasn’t on a great vacation.

I decided to re-embrace the things that I seem to really enjoy and learn more of what I could. With it being October, I wrapped myself up into decorating the inside and out of my home, working on reading my mysteries, a thanksgiving weekend adventure with the pup and Mr. Jones to see the kids, a stay in a cabin, learning my new cricut (so excited, Mr. Jones bought it for my birthday!)  and looking at everything through a lens.

The pup has been my inspiration and I was reminding myself that so much is still a first for her. As we begin a new season and are watching the leaves falling and then the usual early first fall of snow, she is mesmerized.

I wrapped myself up in taking hundreds of pictures of her and pouring over them, every detail, every feeling; posting them into my personal accounts to share with my family and friends. This was my outlet for my emotions, while I took a break from writing.

Recently someone had asked me who I love the most, my first answer was me, as I have been working hard to learn that and then realized what she was getting at. The beautiful endless photos of someone’s nose, sleepy eyes and energy all being shared. My answer was simple; she (my pup) helps me so much.

This month brought on another first for her and I; I wanted to give her a great gift of just being a dog, socializing and getting to run and play with other pups. When I first began the application and assessment, I was fearful, fearful on how would I be without her? How can I trust someone else? What if? I reminded myself over and over this month to have faith.

Her first day, was hard as stressors had become high and of course a phone call or two were in order to check on her. She loved it and to see her face light up at getting to play with new friends and then the excitement and light up when she sees me to pick her up, made me teary eyed. She is happy, she even seems to smile a lot.

Her happiness, helped increase my value as well. I have been functioning efficiently,  some stressors with my girl caused a bit of a downturn, but it was wonderful to see it change for the better. She too, was dealing with anxiety and I kept praying over the years she would not have to deal with those lovely family genes that have passed all this down.

I am so proud of her, she is strong and immediately looked for help. Sometimes life smacks us in the face to make us stop and give more value to ourselves. How do we keep forgetting is the real question? So well this is a whole another area of hmmmm and thought provoking, I decided I would share a few of the photos I took the past two months. Each photo feels like a piece of my heart is in each one I take. The emotion it creates brings the feeling of a hippo sitting on my chest of happiness, sadness, and sheer joy. It’s overwhelming!  It is just an entanglement of so much more.

I made that new bed for her as the other one somehow was eaten.

She does do more than sleep, but that smushed up, wrinkled up face, just makes me want to smooch it and yell she’s so fluffy! I feel like that little girl in Despicable Me, she has so much emotion at times and the rest of the time, it is like she is hiding it, masking it. (Mr. Jones took the photo of her looking out the window, I just love it).

After an outside adventure of decorating for Halloween, and the pup not sure of some of the decorations; this included big eyes of what the heck and a few growls, I actually finally felt bored. It was awesome! I cannot seem to remember the last time I felt like that, so for me, it was a blessing. My mind is normally going, there is always so much work to do mentally, that it feels wonderful to just hang and be.

I hope you enjoyed some of the many photos I have been taking and I think I may start to venture out again and take a class to help me build and grow in this area. I have always loved photographs as a kid and loved to look at other’s albums. It’s a moment that stands still in my memory. Each picture is worth so much more.

Love always, the picture obsessed, bored, Woman in Process