Category Archives: MS

Bread Sticks & Cheese

When I awoke this morning, I was not myself. The dark clouds of a few nights of not sleeping, stressors and not feeling a sense of release had put my brain and body into a vise clamp. My physical movements were challenged and I had no get up and go, it got up and left, right out the door.

As I send my texts out, I wanted to crawl back into bed and cry for the day. I thought that might make me feel better or I had hoped it would. I sat with my butterscotch Starbucks coffee at the table and the tears just flowed down my face.  I kept telling myself outloud, I am so blessed and Mr. Jones agrees with me. He begins into his Buddha talk, this is what I call it, he is a wise old man.

He tells me, you haven’t been taking the time lately for you, you haven’t been given any, you need to go do your  yoga and see what happens, I’m sure you will feel better. He is so right. I feel blah, meh, grrr and just so many other emotions that rush at me, as if I was at a concert of screaming adolescents filled with testosterone.

I complete the conference call on my duty list, soak in the tub with my peppermint Epson, to aid my mobility and my spirits are telling me I got this. With my mat in hand, I scooch downstairs and get started. My options are yoga for weight loss, uh no get up and go here, Pilates and yoga, hmmm, then I find the one, stress and stretching yoga. We have a winner! It is perfect.

The beginning poses were even more challenging, as I try to keep my balance and move into each pose in sync;  I struggled, I hurt, I cry and I completed it. I bawled through the whole thing, but I believe it was the release of so much pent up energy, too much growing and rebuilding on my shoulders, that of what I have been trying to release.

Even this weekend, after getting my massage in, I am bruised from head to toe, as I had let it go too long in between, yet I know better, but work had been consuming all my energy, I let it consume all my energy and I need to take it back.

Mr. Jones trots down the stairs to check on me and see how I feel. I am better, and sore, he suggests he take me for a walk. I immediately get scared, there is the chance I won’t get far or I will get to one spot and not get back. I figured who cares, he would piggy back me all the way back if he needed to, so I went, one small, slow step in front of the other. I continue to hear the crunching and popping of my bones and body, getting into its proper placement and the sun feels fabulous beating down, today is a perfect fall day.

We didn’t go too far, but again, I went, regardless of my fear. I was played out and slept, for a few hours which was something, I so desperately needed. The smile returned to my face, even through more tears and I spent the day doing nothing, reading, thinking, planning, looking out the window and sitting on the deck with the pup and her cone head. Only one more week to go of it and she will be free!

I appreciated the breeze, the red plaid blanket keeping me warm, the birds eating in the feeder, listening to their fluttering and the sounds of the seeds hitting the ground, the leaves dancing through the air to the grass and the flowers in their last blooms, before they go to sleep, for the long cold winter.

There was so much to be grateful for, and life itself is a blessing. My afternoon face and brain are much more hopeful and softer. I needed the time to reset my body, my brain and give it some time to readjust to the ever changing days. I believe we should honour  a few mental health days every year. Allow ourselves to have a break, with no plans, no duties and no schedules.

After a great toasted sandwich on the deck and having the doomanchew try a dill pickle for the first time, we ventured in to relax for the rest of the evening, clean our rings and add paint to a small mirror. The best part was sharing breadsticks and cheese together, it really is an art to get the right balance of stick and cheese. She thinks so too!

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Doomanchew!

Love always the cheese stick eating, sharing, happier, Woman in Process

P.S did I mention I have another 5km race in a week? The course says not for someone with mobility issues. I laughed, watch me!

 

Broom Riding

I am loading my car, moving the cauldron over to add items in the backseat. You heard that correct, my cauldron and I should specify my car is a toad. (A juke, with big toad eyes). Everything about me is a witch.

As I am finishing my errands, I prepare Mr. Jones with a text that, there may be a few new witch items that may have come home with me. He roars when he sees them, this is me; some new witch shoes, my new cauldron, (mine got broken ten years ago, lord knows the bowl just doesn’t do it justice) and of course a new broom for flying. (Oh and a few new pillow covers, just waiting for the others to arrive).

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I am afraid of heights, but if I am driving, no worries,  I simply rode my broom out of the store. Yup, don’t care the looks I get, I like to laugh. My sister cackled in the background. My whole family cackles, she said we get it from Grandma Little, I can hear her in my head.

For years, I would decorate the inside and out of our place, to the nines for Halloween, we pulled containers of goodies out. We would dress up and I loved making these great big bags of treats for the kids. One year, I just didn’t do much.

My girl took over the reins and worked on the house, my heart wasn’t there, but we still did up the bags. I was usually adjusting to the new season and had taken a few falls that slowed me down. It became depressing what I could not do, I missed seeing, what I could do. The mind is a powerful tool, or a deterrent.

My goal this year is to rock the heck out of my decorations, as I use to and make it so inviting for the youngsters, I can fatten them up. (Yes, I was referencing Hansel and Gretel, but I really wouldn’t put kids in my oven). I will pull my witch hat out, I have several to choose from and always need an excuse to buy another one. We were trying some beauties on this past Saturday.

I like to choose to spend my birthday watching movies (nothing scary, still dealing with PTSD, that is scary enough), and handing out candy. Some sampling is necessary. I love to see the costumes and the faces of excitement.

I am not one for the big Halloween parties that evening, I love the doorbell ringing and hearing the chorus of trick or treat nice and loud. You can hear the kids making ohh sounds, after they collect their treats and we like to make the bags bigger, so if the weather is poor, a few doors to knock on and you are good, no sense in freezing yourself. I remember venturing out with snow up to our knees for candy, (popcorn balls, wagon wheels and sweethearts), old clothes on for my costume and a painted face; I was a clown hobo.

With the MS knocking my balance off, we added a banister, when some renovations took place to the front steps and the first thing I said, was this will be perfect for Halloween, it is now safer. We added the banister for me to get in and out, but Halloween is always my highlight.

So my little ghosts and goblins, I am plotting my decorating, and will see what I have from over the years. I may need to add a piece or two, to make sure I have an excellent creation and flow of the Spooktacular look. I hope it brings a smile to your face, as I know it will mine. I feel the brewing in the pit of my stomach of excitement and life; an anticipation of the season.

I believe this year, I was turning 128 (at this point who knows), it sure feels like it sometimes, as I drag myself around, and other days, I don’t think I am a day over 25!

Be prepared for my official countdown, for the ghosts and goblin’s day and I am sure everything will have some spook reference. Mr. Jones isn’t in for dressing up in a costume, but but we did find him a Nightmare Before Christmas jersey that he wears that each year, and enjoys.

For the pup, I have had many outfits in hand, (Mr. Jones is usually saying, don’t do it!) but I was laughing, I should keep her cone from surgery that she has been wearing and turn her into a martini, so simple and it’s not too hot for hanging out, in her twelve foot window and watch the activity going up and down the street. I can see her tail wagging already.

I am so excited to see her thoughts, as she processes the costumes and the kids, it is her first Halloween! She loves little ones, but I am sure I will be challenged with the candy bowl who (me or her) who hands it out or who eats it more (her). I may have to pull the big camera out and set it up to catch her looks of shock, analysis and excitement.

Is it too soon to decorate now? Sigh! I will wait till after our turkey day, and then the gloves are off!

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Embrace the darkness, for it is you. 

Love always, the Halloween loving, decorating, Woman in Process

 

 

 

 

You Still Grow

It’s black outside while we stand in the middle of the yard. I can hear a vehicle starting, getting ready to head to it’s destination. We stand still, quiet, the pup reviewing the shadows our bodies make on the old white fence.

Plop, plop, she looks around, the rest of the apples are beginning their descent. It is time, it is the first day of a new month; school will be heading back in today. Children will be excited, scared, nervous and I will be constantly checking my speed limit to ensure, I am okay.

The fall drinks, pumpkins and scarecrows will be lining up to engage the customers attention, and in the back areas, the store will be bringing in their Christmas items, in preparation and anticipation of the next four months, the seasons of thankfulness and love.

I love fall, I love Christmas and am nervous this year to get through the next few months. To pass my dates of disasters, to get past my date of my breakdown and to change my thoughts of not remembering or lessening the burden. How do you forget?

Smells, sounds, all still are active and I catch my self breathing heavier trying to adjust, then work on bringing my anxiety level down. My voice may change, I feel the sweats coming on, and my body goes into its panic mode; numbness over comes me.

Here is the catch, I deal with the disasters and stay calm through it all, then once it is complete, I let myself crash down, I had to change it. For so long, for so many years, I would bury it and keep moving forward not dealing with that moment in time, or at least I thought I was moving forward.

That moment of time, in my head became years, it became repetitive and it became a burden to house, and it never paid any rent, it just took life from me, precious, valuable life.

I have this one friend, he has seen his share of disasters, deaths, suicides and is on the other side of hope. He now can speak about the situation with friends, he still nervously laughs and I know how much those affected him; they would affect anyone.

If you notice, I only talk about how I am figuring life back out. I think that is what is so important and not the specifics of each situation. I do have to say, as awful as some things are, I always learned along the way. I learned safety, I learned how calm I am in those situations, and how strong I am. Those are the highlights I want to remember, that is what, I will chose to remember.

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The season as painful as it may be, can also bring me more closure and a bit of a summary or checkpoint on the hard work of the year. It has been over eight months since I returned to my role at work and I have had bumps and bruises along the way. I would focus on them and try to ensure each one was dealt with, I fought hard and feel like this year has been about digging myself out of an early grave, that I was not ready for.

I committed to living life and the past couple months has tested me even harder, as some patterns I would see myself falling into and then worked at changing them. I am a puzzle, one where I am determining how the pieces are fitting together, how they should be cut and getting rid of the border of things, that I do not need that consumed me.

I am proud of myself, I am proud of being more vocal and giving a voice to some who may not have the strength for it. I hope that everyone dealing with these life issues, can find the life raft and hang on. We can change our directions, we can change our thoughts and we can find the life that we desire, that we want.

A friend and I had chatted the other day, I always value those talks even when they are short. She is someone who has seen it all with me, and I do not hesitate to cry or tear with her. I am grateful for that bond. It is different between us and something that is hard to explain. She has her share of life stories and I am proud of who she was able to become from those challenges. I wish everyone, could take those challenges and rise above, give themselves hope, a new start.

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Tonight, as I am sitting in a quiet space, with no one really around me, I was able to process a bit more in my tired state. An update, the pup was very tender from her spaying and we did have to get more pain medication to help her. She seems to be on the mend and that stress I have for her,once she has recovered will make me feel better.

Right now it’s about making sure she is fine, small movements, nothing too much and keeping her stitches in tact. The living room is set up like a camp out and my back and hips are feeling the challenge of the hardness and cold of the floor. The catch, I would do it all again, if it meant keeping her calm and her knowing how much I love her. When your dog crawls up, all 80 lbs of her and she positions herself so that your head is also in the cone with hers, that is unconditional love.

She has been there for me, it is my turn for her.  On that note have a wonderful long weekend, mine will continue with the camp Mrs. Jones and work this time, while doing so I am focusing on building more strength for the upcoming months. Be proud of where you are and remember, no step is too small.

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Love always, the proud, loving, Woman in Process

 

 

The Night Before

It is the night before I have to take the pup in for her spaying. My nerves are a bit rattled as I try to keep myself calm and prepare her for tomorrow. I am always worried anytime someone has a surgery, pets, friends, family. It is challenging for me, as so many things have become routine now, yet I still see it as a new medicine, as if it is the first time it is being performed.

My thinking has at times challenged me over and over. I feel archaic from another time, yet modern in some aspects of my life. It makes me question if I was born in the right time. I know what you are thinking, odd duck, this woman is.

Do you ever feel when you say something, the things you like, the music, the phrases you say, that maybe, just maybe, they are your past life? I wonder? Is it possible?

We modernize our phones to sing, dance, do just about anything, we perform surgeries that at one time the thoughts of it never existed; man has created cures for diseases over and over, yet some still have not been found; we build space ships, technology by leaps and bounds, and see anything as a possibility.

If all of this is possible, could it be a possibility that I am born into the wrong time, that my soul is old and has seen so much before, that my life may have been rich of alternative memories before this one?

I have talked about the old souls before, when the pup and I met, my girl growing up and at times people I meet. It is, as if I knew them from somewhere else, and when they look at me I feel as if I already have a connection to them, a bond, a déjà vu moment.

That connection tells me so much inside at that moment, at times it tells me things I really don’t want to hear or am not surprised later when it takes place, it as if I had already known it, felt it. I laugh and say it’s my witchy coming out.

I wonder if it is the energy we give off that sparks that or is it just a regular human connection? It is an area I need to spend more time researching and pondering on.

As my thoughts had me venturing down the rabbit hole, I opted to head outside as I stood there watching the pup run free and jump. The crispness of the air brought a shiver to me, and I wrap my arms around me, as the sky begins to spit once more.

The neighbour’s tree still holds on to  apples, hanging onto the branches, now turning into a rich Crimson color. The plants have stopped blooming and I am watching them all, go to sleep for a long winters nap. I decide I should look at each of my plants and see if there are any seeds, I can take off for next year. As I am taking pieces inside to dry, I think about life in general.

I have been thinking a lot about it, as my father turns 80 next month and I know that each additional day, week or year are a blessing, to still see him. Just as the cycle of life comes to an end, like the blooms of the flowers, the seeds are there to renew and to begin new life. My daughter, one of a few grandchildren is the new seed,  the children having children; I cannot stop thinking about where I am in life, how my body keeps getting older and how one day I will become the blooms time to go to sleep.

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I know it may feel morbid, but as friends and family are passing on, the thoughts are there. I ask how does my father feel as, those close to his age are leaving on their angels wings to a new sunny destination?

I can only imagine,and hope he knows how  many fond memories we have and how much growth he did provide to us, he ensured each of us had seeds of hope, seeds of knowledge and seeds of love.

So tonight, think about those seeds that those around you give to you on a regular basis that maybe you just have forgotten about or the ones you are helping plant. Make sure those seeds are valuable lessons, planted and grown with love.

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I hope that when my bloom is coming to an end, I have imparted some seeds into another for the future. I believe Atticus has the right idea, but at my departing I may be a lot drunk, but I’m sure some of you, I will see again, just a déjà vu.

Love always the getting older, getting wiser (I think) Woman in Process.

Gratitude of Darkness

This weekend was one of pain, laughter and a half day of relaxation, which felt like I had so many more hours than I did. I have been thinking about the season, as the leaves are falling on me, the rain continues and begin to think about all the things I love about fall, or maybe it’s the things I love today, everyday!

Instead of writing about the weekend itself, I decided to just list the things I am grateful for, the things that seem to make me stop and say wow.

Waking up to a dark sky and not having to get up and run to work. My comforter being pulled up tight and having the time to  just lay there in the dark, to take in and love the moment.

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Fresh ground coffee, with of course, baileys! It is Sunday morning. I do like my coffee very hot.

Mr. Jones making me eggs for breakfast, cooked in a garlic olive oil. Delicious!

The pup turning more gentle, kind and loving. This morning when I ran to the facility, I came back into the room and she had jumped up and crawled into the bed for morning snuggles, (or she was cold), I was so excited, as normally she waits till the last minute to come up and then we only get a couple minutes before we start the day. Today, we got a whole half hour of snuggle time and giving tummy rubs then she falls back asleep in my arms. True love!

After spending the summer, with a cool shower, the weather has taken a turn down a few notches and my girlfriend said her furnace started the other night. I am so grateful for the hot shower, I stood in it for a very long time. Dear hot water, I missed you so, welcome back.

A home project that Mr. Jones and I can work on together. We broke our rolly Polly, I have called it this, since I was a kid, (that’s a lazy Susan), so we had to add a shelf and do some maneuvering. It prompted a complete reorganization of some items in the kitchen and it is much more efficient, a place for everything. This is perfect for me as I am a labeller junkie.

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The cupboard fits one man or 222 cans.

Buying organization items; always love purchasing new things to organize and adapt to us. The wooden box I purchased, even has the writing, thankful and grateful on it. I, of course had to get it and put my collection of olive oil and vinegars in it. I love this collection, it’s amazing to cook with, now my crafting head starts creating recipes.

Making lemon poppy seed muffins and chocolate chip cookies, of course my recipe with the oatmeal and coconut. Don’t forget eating them to, that is a highlight reel!

Turkey in August. A great turkey breast roasted, cooked with vegetables from the Farmers Market. Thank you farmers, for putting this meal on my table. Dessert was fresh peaches from the orchard and cookies.

Heading back to Michaels for a few more clearance items and finding that the same items are there, no one else bought any of them! My marquee was changed for our evening movie night. I am Geek!

Scoring in finding a couple of things for Christmas gifts already and purchasing them. There is one off my list already. Not to mention the few items I already have for  all the kids, wait, I think I have four done! The realization you are even more ahead of the game!

The daily amenities, that make life so much easier for us, from dishes, to my laundry machines, to my vacuum. Picture it -40 and having to beat your rugs. Thank you Dyson!

Friends who remind you, things are going to be okay, as your anxiety is hitting an all time high. The pup has to be spayed this week, so I go from tears to worry, to it will be alright. She means the world to me, and I have taken, an extra day off with the long weekend to wait on her and help her stay relaxed. Here is to a speedy recovery and healthy recovery.

Finding a new show that Mr. Jones and I are taking the time to watch it together. I love these moments; it’s an hour we sit and laugh and you hear a lot of what, no, I can’t watch (that’s me), we have to watch the next one. Did you see that coming?

Sitting in a quiet home in the morning, both reading our news and seeing what happened in the world overnight (which sure can be a lot).

Enjoying cartoons you watched with the kids.

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The list is endless and previously I have mentioned, how I have to find the beauty or the gratefulness of things each day. This week, I am struggling walking still and my body is hitting its annual crash. This mean complete loss of my mobility in my legs, not being able to get up and I will end up in bed for a bit. I have been reminding people I am fine, I got this.

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I have a massage booked here on Saturday, and am hoping I can make it to that date and then start recovering. I know it gets worse before better, so I just may remind you of things you forgot were items to be happy about, things we may have taken for granted.

This week, take the moment to look around, to see what you have, the people there, to feel even more blessed and appreciate it all.

We are officially entering the season of thankfulness.

Love the blessed, grateful, Woman in Process

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Tips & Tricks

You see the title, you are thinking what the heck is the witch talking about today while stirring her cauldron? No Halloween tips yet. Hmmm, though I would be most happy giving those, as its the greatest time of the year!

Today I am curious about what tips and tricks you use that help you get through depression, PTSD and chronic illness, any illness. I have been relooking at all of my tips, the way I deal with it and am curious on others. Maybe there is something I could learn or try that might be a huge benefit to me or me to you.

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Here are my top ones.

  • I juice, I do this when I am getting weak and need assistance and energy. (I use to do it daily). I also use a beet juice recovery drink that helps me bounce back it actually tastes great.
  • I use compression socks when my mobility is challenged and when travelling. Just a quick note they are bright fuschia, and help my legs recover. I need an orange pair next! Oh, and then blue!
  • I cry and laugh and let myself acknowledge the feelings, I try my best to not let my self critic judge me, sometimes easier said than done.
  • I use Japanese mint on my muscles, and when I don’t have it, or have run out I use A535 and feel like I am a Golden Girl when I head to work. Now I need some jasmine perfume. Just saying one of my favourite shows!
  • I walk, it needs to be out of town at times, so I can write the stories in my head and feel free, no sounds but leaves crunching, twigs snapping and hearing our own breath or the dog panting as she plays out quickly. As I look her breed up, yup doesn’t like much activity, that explains everything.
  • I bend into downward dog all the time to loosen my shoulders and try to keep my neck in place. It’s quite the story of damage, from a make shift hurdle, a saw horse and a fall.
  • While standing you may see me moving into a Tai Chi movement, or another method, to keep circulation flowing. In the morning I need to do them, as I look like a crab going down the stairs, it’s quite comical.
  • I aim to get a monthly massage, I have to, or I seize up and cannot walk. She is so good to me, she knows how to have my muscles respond and I feel like after it, I need a cigarette or a drink. If I am really tense, I have a drink before I go and Mr. Jones takes me, occasionally two. It helps me relax faster and she can get into the muscle quicker and more efficiently without me constantly tensing up. Yes, sometimes my appointment is at 9 am, so just add baileys to the coffee! It truly is 5 o’clock somewhere!
  • Meditation, reflection and just absolute silence at times are golden.
  • I laugh a lot, did I mention that? A  bit of a prankster and feel the weight lift from laughing, or I call it a roar. I let it all out. Throw the head back and laugh from the bottom of your diaphragm.
  • I make big sighs when no one is around and then shake myself up some. Just making sure all my jiggly parts are still there!
  • I squeeze and kiss the face of that great big wrinkle dog and yell she’s so fluffy!
  • When I can’t shop or go out, I watch fun movies, lots of happy ones, just saying, Princess Diaries is at the top of my list, as my girl and I watched it so many times. I shop online adding everything I like, making little wish lists (no purchasing, as I am not in the correct frame of mind) I also just lay there at times, listening to the fan and sleep. Sleep is a saviour.
  • I have mountains of books to read and keep them close by. I always love a good murder mystery or a good love story.
  • I splurge on new pyjamas, to make me feel better, and new slippers. I am usually in them as soon as I get home from work. I am like Bruce Almighty, I think my massage lady thinks the same too when I get in there!
  • The biggest, I try to not make too many plans, I try to make some small ones, but not every evening or weekend, I give myself space and try to look at what I choose to do, and not do them because of duty.

This is the time I look after me, me completely. I dream, I journal and I drink a lot of tea. I have quite the selection of loose tea. Investment here is great, throw some in your cauldron or you can hold a great cup in your hand and look out the window day dreaming. Great dreams, can become a reality.

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Love always, the cauldron stirring, tea toting, Woman in Process

P.S looking back, I talk a lot about drinking! Yup that’s me! I found this witch from http://www.theholidaybarn.com she has my name! I may have to order myself one. Check her out.

The crazy witch is now on Instagram.

Channeling Gandalf

I told you I was a geek, a nerd, loved my movies and the lines that I keep in my head  to play over and over and make myself laugh. Usually this takes place at the most embarrassing moments, but this is me. Yup I am embarrassing!

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As I was taking my shovel outside, the long spade, I immediately start to laugh, as I felt like Gandalf high on the mountain; reality sits in and I am shovelling a pile of dog shit. This is a little less spectacular, and no rainbows are coming out of her, all sixty pounds, but I still played my role and did the though shall not pass line as she is chasing around me, running crazy while I keep myself upright on the shovel. Zip zip, she is everywhere.

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I immediately thought of something and had to get the shed keys to find my treasure. A few years ago, one of the maintenance men that worked with me had an incredible talent. At the time I had no idea until one day he came in and told me he had a gift for me. I was shocked; shocked that he thought of me and shocked that he had put the time into such an item to create for me.

He passes me this long gnarled and twisted stick, and explains how he creates them, carves them and thought this might help keep me up higher when I am hiking and have to take the MS with me (I would prefer not to as it weighs down the backpack). He told me how much he admired my drive, that everytime I was getting knocked down, I kept going and got back up. image.jpeg

He made me tear up and I was so grateful that he shared such talent and genuine kindness towards me. I was too afraid to use it then, too afraid I may break it, destroy it and wanted to preserve it, and hid it covered in my she-shed.

While using the shovel to hold myself up, I remembered it and had to pull it out of its safe place. Tucked in with two more, as he decided I needed a daily walking stick and two for hiking, I took it out and looked at such raw talent. I am still in awe.

I will use my walking stick to hold me high, when everything is pulling me down. I will use it to keep myself climbing the mountains and appreciating the scenery and I will use it as hope; hope that each day, I keep moving on.

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It’s so beautiful and tomorrow, as I need some assistance, I will use it and share the story and appreciation for a man so kind.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for such a precious gift.

As always, the high walking, Gandalf loving, Lord of the Woman in Process

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Oh yes, that is me!

As snow will probably be in our future here in the upcoming months, I thought Gandalf up to his neck in it, is a great symbol for the days I feel so suffocated and trapped. What I remind myself, is it will always melt, usually with heat, love and kindness.

 

 

Awkward Bird

I found the start of this blog and the feelings I had and thought it was perfect for today.

We all know the story of the ugly duckling waddling along, just being themselves and the trials and tribulations they experienced. How about the awkward duckling, he could be similar?

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Lately, I have been asked again each time people see me how are you feeling? I look down while on my cane briefly, but I am trying to come up with the most amazing answer because I am more than the scars I have, I am me.

The last two weeks after the talk I gave I was asked what was it about? Unfortunately I cannot really describe it To you. I am asked a few more questions and finally look up and answer PTSD, yup there is that look.

The look of holy crap, face freeze and now what the hell do I say to her? I hear a lot of ummmm. I make people awkward, but they make me awkward too.

Standing in line at lunch, someone asks how I am feeling? Fine. You were dealing with some health problems are they all looked after? I’m managing and adapting. Doing anything for holidays? No, not really. You? The standard small talk awkward conversation.

This is my world. It may look small,  but trust me it is vast and there is so much more. Ask me instead of how I am feeling, how did it feel like to complete the talk, was it what you expected, what inspires me now? Please ask me anything but how I am feeling?

The answer I will give you is for your benefit. It is an awkward, simple response to make you think I am ok, right now I am not.

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As I awoke at what I thought was 3am,  I was so disappointed to find out a couple minutes later that it was 6am, as the alarm starts it’s incredible shrieking. Where is my hammer?

I attempt to move my body and just as I suspected, last week had caught up with me and the tears of pain begin. I remind myself, as I spend the morning crying, I got this, I can do it, and fall apart, but keep getting ready.

My mascara is on and I finish what I have to, I kind of look like I grabbed the first items I saw in my closet and haphazardly threw them on. I really didn’t, I am limited to the items today’s I need comfort; baggy top, I am swollen, shorter pants, so I don’t trip and I have to wear my shoes with their insoles, my right leg is dragging, they are not attractive by any means, and do not have bows, nor are they pink. They are depressing.

After spending last week in heels, running like a mad scientist, my body is done. I had a limited time card, just like on my games and had used up all the energy, I passed go but also did not get to collect $200. I need to find the recovery process, and soak it all up for the time being, I wonder where Mario put that mushroom.

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I understand the looks I get from those, who look at my face and eyes, (not to mention my hunch over) yes, I do look that dreadful, I have been zomified and it is only Monday. After venturing home and laying on the floor to cry from the pain, I made it through one more day. I look across and there is my pup laying beside me, licking at me, trying to make me feel better. Awe I appreciate that, she loves me just the way I am, broken and all; either that or she smells the treats I had.

Let us be honest, it turned out to be a two donut day and I am not sorry, I think I wore it off last week and feel some days I just need to give in to the temptation, the sadness. It was a mentally, mind boggling, manic Monday and tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow may only be a one donut kind of day or a tasty Tuesday kind of day.

My optimism is in there, but for tonight I think I may find my inner Tarzan and play a game I can yell at, this way no one thinks otherwise, but reality is I have my finger in the air waving it at my MS and telling it where to go, you can’t keep me down, nothing can.

Please note most breakdowns, often happen when no one is around, it can cause extreme hunger, or emotional eating, ingestion of sugar or caffeine, not limited to over eating and sarcasm and foul language, nudity can happen but usually if I can’t get my pants on, or fall over. At this point in my world, I have to laugh at myself.

Love always the donut eating, finger waving, Woman in Process

Spooktacular Witch is testing out this Instagram goodies. You can find her under that name.

 

 

 

Shitoday

It’s my new word for today. Let’s be honest, there are days that we do everything we can to bring ourselves up and nothing works. The dog is obnoxious, your jobs driving you nuts and your cat just unloaded her bladder all over her bed and as you are writing your thinking what the f— is on my phone.

It is a day of absolute craziness, nothing will go your way and you want to throw your hands in the air and lose it. Throw the vacuum through the window and say be done with it all. Your tired, you need rest and there is no end in sight. So today, screw the niceness, of what I normally say, today is a shitoday!

The catch is everything that you want to respond to, you are going to do it all in your head, not physically and not verbally to others, however you need to respond to it. Take a moment, let it unfold in your head, accept that it’s shitoday and then move on to the next issue.

Crush everything in your mind, let yourself have the moments you need, the venting into the pillow, beating into it, silent yelling into it or my favourite, I stop, pause, close my eyes, visualize and have the most sinister smile when I open them. Things are blowing up like 007 in my head and I walk away from it all, please pass my martini.

I will get through the items today and I am sure something will make me smile (oh god I hope) at some point. I’m even too tired to cry and give in.

I am heading back to work and will duct tape a pillow to the back of my office door, so that my head banging on it will not be too loud, I hate to disrupt anyone. I will do my duty and accept all the feelings that are happening today, (what else can I do?) and then continue on. I say, everything is out of alignment, one of my stars must be beating up on another and something will change here shortly and goodness will come from it. It will right?

Maybe I am kidding myself, but in the meantime, you can refer to me as, Mrs. Bond. If you get to the other side of the shitoday with a smile in the end, a huge high five from me or if we do this Bond style, a subtle glass in the air, and a sideways glance.

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If not, I will meet you on the boat deck with my scotch, cigar and our visuals.

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Wow, that is sure how I feel!

As always, when will the shitoday end, more laundry and clean up to do, Woman in Process

P.S exactly what I thought. One hour with my ninja co-worker and we are peeing ourselves laughing. Awesome!

 

 

 

Scream & Shout

I know you are starting to sing it in your head. “I want to scream and shout and let it all out.”

I sing this often especially when it feels as though things are tough, but today there was a new method to my madness. I dusted off my games and set it up on the Xbox to play Grabbed by the Ghoulies. Yup an oldie! We had bought it for the girl to play on the original one and I have not played it, until today.

It is the day, with my controller in hand, I beat the pulp out of the skeletons and roared, over over with many profanities. It brings out my aggression but I can kick some ass and mediatate after, to take me down from my serial killer tendencies. Yes I really said that, you know we all posess some traits.

I beat on the skeletons, I yelled, I swore, my hands ache from squeezing the controller so hard and I feel so much better. I am big on letting your inner anger out. When my daughter was younger and had a build up, she used her damn it doll and then felt better. Nothing has changed, when I would beat up on the dummy at boxing, I felt relieved. Aggressive sports, bring out my cave woman style and I will clobber something with my club.

I am picturing myself in my fur, barefoot and grunting, it’s not a pretty sight, but one fairly funny visual. We all have an underlying temperament that once in a while we need to let it loose, on something that is fun, or does not cause harm.

I would like to go try the paint guns and see how much fun that is. Just saying I will ensure, I am dressed like Rambo for that day.

Mr. Jones was laughing at my slur of obscenities and how I mushed them together. He comments, apparently you need to do this more often. I feel spent, as I cancel the game, I have had enough; the Ghoulie laughs at me and the dog’s head pops up looking around. This game made my afternoon.

Life is about enjoying so many things, and some days we go through the constant motions without taking it in. I have lost some years of my life to this, due to the MS and the PTSD. It soaked everything out of me, like wringing out a cloth and now I feel, as though there is some life there, I don’t feel as limp.

Let us hope it is not alien life, as that’s a whole other blog, but a new life, one I am trying to be conscious of every day. I have always wondered when people said they were reborn after rehab or some major life altering situation, what did they truly mean? I think I get it.

As I armed the kitchen with sliced vegetables, cheeses and meats not to mention all the sauces; I am cutting and working myself into my old routine. The one where all the kids and friends were coming for dinner. It is one of our hottest days of the year, but after a good meal; homemade pizza, use Guinness for the dough as it makes it amazing; and some laughter out on the deck, my physical and mental state is spent and I sack out for a full night sleep, something that does not happen often. I feel content and wake up smiling for another day to begin.

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While soaking it all in this morning, I know how blessed I was yesterday, I just don’t think they know how much it meant to me; so for this year, another goal is to make more time for family time, even with the distance between everyone. Life is changing, but I think it’s finally changing for the good now, or maybe it was to make sure I saw all the wonderful things around me? That I will never be sure on the reason, but know it’s one stepping stone to greatness.

 

Love always, the pizza making, where’s my chef hat, marshmallow throwing, Woman in Process

P.S the marshmallow story is quite funny, the looks on everyone’s face was the real priceless moment.

My recipe for the dough, says one cup Guinness, but when it’s hot, it’s more like one and a half to two cups. Apparently it was thirsty too!