Category Archives: Personal

Attitude

I finally slept! First time in a week! I felt as though the Angel’s harps were playing as I arise and begin my day with a lightness to life. It’s glorious and I am grateful to finally feel like this.

As I put on my favourite Beetlejuice outfit, black and white, with an orange jacket and my witch shoes; I am excited to head in, feeling great, ready to take on the day. I rock out in Mrs. Toad’s Wild Ride, (yes, my car is named) with the music loud and heavy, it matches how I have been feeling.

I pull into my destination, the base shaking my body, my head nodding to the beat and feeling as though I can accomplish anything! Uhhh, I spoke to soon. I was feeling, the only word I can think of is sassy; that intense combination of attitude, sharpness, brain on overdrive and the wit of sharp comments.

It kept progressing through the day, but the sharpness of the sassy, began to take over. I began to question where was Mars? I know you think, what? I have been reading up on my sign and how the travelling in and out of Mars, the moons and the alignment impact me. As I read this book for the first time, I really had an open eye and could see the past, the future and the current, drawn out perfectly to how I function. It was a knowledge I only dabbled in before, I am now tuning in to it more to decipher myself.

Anyways, I had issues and crap hit the fan, like everyday life, the catch I kept my sassy to a select few and did not handle any issues directly. I was worried what may come out, or me telling someone I will turn them into a toad, wouldn’t be professional; even though I was thinking it still.

I had spunk, spirit and was alive. I feel this passion inside me like I want to explode! You know the feeling you get when you see a new puppy, and you could just eat them up, not literally! You have this intenseness of love, cuteness, overwhelmingness? That is how I feel so much lately. I have a sharper smile, almost scary, I have this rumble and growl about me and I feel empowered.

The next day was a therapy session and at one point something that took place kind of put me into a different element. It impacted me, but also impacted me differently. I was able to recognize, how I am taking back my independence, (words from a friend) and am going to stretch the next session longer in between.

I am feeling even more like I don’t have to have my training wheels on, I can hold myself up, I don’t need the skating guide, I can flip and turn and twist. I think I may be in a state that I can keep going more on my own, I may be ready for my solo performance. Maybe, I have been ready for a while and this was the push or moment for me to see it.

I’m sure I will require an oil change or tune up at times, but I am starting to see myself functioning so much more. I have creativity exercises consistently, I keep working on crafts, home improvements and am taking things to a new level of love.

The things I normally wish I would say to people, I do, and I see a new surprise from those when I do. I am being me. Good old, not too old, sarcastic, dry, belly laughing, wacky faces, dance off, crazy person that I am. I am being the real version of her. It feels pretty damn awesome, and I know there may be bricks that I stumble over at times (especially if the pup keeps dragging them out of my gardens for toys), but to get this far, when I thought my life was done, feels pretty great.

I do not know what the next few months will hold for me, I only know I can help be the director in my own life.

After a quick overnight trip away from home, (the pup stayed behind with a babysitter; the middle daughter, I didn’t cry when I left her this time, so awesome!) of football, screaming my aggression out to the field, and the loud, “Hit him!” as they try to take down the quarterback. I took in so many moments of awe.

Awe of being in a stadium of 36000 people there, when months ago I couldn’t go out to the grocery store, accepting a compliment from a stranger and also passing one along, when before I would freeze up or feel overwhelmed. These are just a couple of the strides that have impacted my life from the journey I had begun.

So here is to, the next few months, may they hold continuous learning, growth and passion.

Love always the horse sounding, beaming, Woman in Process

P.S I finally finished the first podcast series of book 1; of My Dad Wrote a Porno; my face was hurting I was laughing so hard; tears running, coughing, spewing my drink out when something caught me off guard, it was hilarious! Maybe I shouldn’t have been driving, but it made the hours for the trip pass. You must check it out!
http://www.mydadwroteaporno.com

You will never see things the same way again!

 

 

 

Bread Sticks & Cheese

When I awoke this morning, I was not myself. The dark clouds of a few nights of not sleeping, stressors and not feeling a sense of release had put my brain and body into a vise clamp. My physical movements were challenged and I had no get up and go, it got up and left, right out the door.

As I send my texts out, I wanted to crawl back into bed and cry for the day. I thought that might make me feel better or I had hoped it would. I sat with my butterscotch Starbucks coffee at the table and the tears just flowed down my face.  I kept telling myself outloud, I am so blessed and Mr. Jones agrees with me. He begins into his Buddha talk, this is what I call it, he is a wise old man.

He tells me, you haven’t been taking the time lately for you, you haven’t been given any, you need to go do your  yoga and see what happens, I’m sure you will feel better. He is so right. I feel blah, meh, grrr and just so many other emotions that rush at me, as if I was at a concert of screaming adolescents filled with testosterone.

I complete the conference call on my duty list, soak in the tub with my peppermint Epson, to aid my mobility and my spirits are telling me I got this. With my mat in hand, I scooch downstairs and get started. My options are yoga for weight loss, uh no get up and go here, Pilates and yoga, hmmm, then I find the one, stress and stretching yoga. We have a winner! It is perfect.

The beginning poses were even more challenging, as I try to keep my balance and move into each pose in sync;  I struggled, I hurt, I cry and I completed it. I bawled through the whole thing, but I believe it was the release of so much pent up energy, too much growing and rebuilding on my shoulders, that of what I have been trying to release.

Even this weekend, after getting my massage in, I am bruised from head to toe, as I had let it go too long in between, yet I know better, but work had been consuming all my energy, I let it consume all my energy and I need to take it back.

Mr. Jones trots down the stairs to check on me and see how I feel. I am better, and sore, he suggests he take me for a walk. I immediately get scared, there is the chance I won’t get far or I will get to one spot and not get back. I figured who cares, he would piggy back me all the way back if he needed to, so I went, one small, slow step in front of the other. I continue to hear the crunching and popping of my bones and body, getting into its proper placement and the sun feels fabulous beating down, today is a perfect fall day.

We didn’t go too far, but again, I went, regardless of my fear. I was played out and slept, for a few hours which was something, I so desperately needed. The smile returned to my face, even through more tears and I spent the day doing nothing, reading, thinking, planning, looking out the window and sitting on the deck with the pup and her cone head. Only one more week to go of it and she will be free!

I appreciated the breeze, the red plaid blanket keeping me warm, the birds eating in the feeder, listening to their fluttering and the sounds of the seeds hitting the ground, the leaves dancing through the air to the grass and the flowers in their last blooms, before they go to sleep, for the long cold winter.

There was so much to be grateful for, and life itself is a blessing. My afternoon face and brain are much more hopeful and softer. I needed the time to reset my body, my brain and give it some time to readjust to the ever changing days. I believe we should honour  a few mental health days every year. Allow ourselves to have a break, with no plans, no duties and no schedules.

After a great toasted sandwich on the deck and having the doomanchew try a dill pickle for the first time, we ventured in to relax for the rest of the evening, clean our rings and add paint to a small mirror. The best part was sharing breadsticks and cheese together, it really is an art to get the right balance of stick and cheese. She thinks so too!

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Doomanchew!

Love always the cheese stick eating, sharing, happier, Woman in Process

P.S did I mention I have another 5km race in a week? The course says not for someone with mobility issues. I laughed, watch me!

 

You Still Grow

It’s black outside while we stand in the middle of the yard. I can hear a vehicle starting, getting ready to head to it’s destination. We stand still, quiet, the pup reviewing the shadows our bodies make on the old white fence.

Plop, plop, she looks around, the rest of the apples are beginning their descent. It is time, it is the first day of a new month; school will be heading back in today. Children will be excited, scared, nervous and I will be constantly checking my speed limit to ensure, I am okay.

The fall drinks, pumpkins and scarecrows will be lining up to engage the customers attention, and in the back areas, the store will be bringing in their Christmas items, in preparation and anticipation of the next four months, the seasons of thankfulness and love.

I love fall, I love Christmas and am nervous this year to get through the next few months. To pass my dates of disasters, to get past my date of my breakdown and to change my thoughts of not remembering or lessening the burden. How do you forget?

Smells, sounds, all still are active and I catch my self breathing heavier trying to adjust, then work on bringing my anxiety level down. My voice may change, I feel the sweats coming on, and my body goes into its panic mode; numbness over comes me.

Here is the catch, I deal with the disasters and stay calm through it all, then once it is complete, I let myself crash down, I had to change it. For so long, for so many years, I would bury it and keep moving forward not dealing with that moment in time, or at least I thought I was moving forward.

That moment of time, in my head became years, it became repetitive and it became a burden to house, and it never paid any rent, it just took life from me, precious, valuable life.

I have this one friend, he has seen his share of disasters, deaths, suicides and is on the other side of hope. He now can speak about the situation with friends, he still nervously laughs and I know how much those affected him; they would affect anyone.

If you notice, I only talk about how I am figuring life back out. I think that is what is so important and not the specifics of each situation. I do have to say, as awful as some things are, I always learned along the way. I learned safety, I learned how calm I am in those situations, and how strong I am. Those are the highlights I want to remember, that is what, I will chose to remember.

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The season as painful as it may be, can also bring me more closure and a bit of a summary or checkpoint on the hard work of the year. It has been over eight months since I returned to my role at work and I have had bumps and bruises along the way. I would focus on them and try to ensure each one was dealt with, I fought hard and feel like this year has been about digging myself out of an early grave, that I was not ready for.

I committed to living life and the past couple months has tested me even harder, as some patterns I would see myself falling into and then worked at changing them. I am a puzzle, one where I am determining how the pieces are fitting together, how they should be cut and getting rid of the border of things, that I do not need that consumed me.

I am proud of myself, I am proud of being more vocal and giving a voice to some who may not have the strength for it. I hope that everyone dealing with these life issues, can find the life raft and hang on. We can change our directions, we can change our thoughts and we can find the life that we desire, that we want.

A friend and I had chatted the other day, I always value those talks even when they are short. She is someone who has seen it all with me, and I do not hesitate to cry or tear with her. I am grateful for that bond. It is different between us and something that is hard to explain. She has her share of life stories and I am proud of who she was able to become from those challenges. I wish everyone, could take those challenges and rise above, give themselves hope, a new start.

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Tonight, as I am sitting in a quiet space, with no one really around me, I was able to process a bit more in my tired state. An update, the pup was very tender from her spaying and we did have to get more pain medication to help her. She seems to be on the mend and that stress I have for her,once she has recovered will make me feel better.

Right now it’s about making sure she is fine, small movements, nothing too much and keeping her stitches in tact. The living room is set up like a camp out and my back and hips are feeling the challenge of the hardness and cold of the floor. The catch, I would do it all again, if it meant keeping her calm and her knowing how much I love her. When your dog crawls up, all 80 lbs of her and she positions herself so that your head is also in the cone with hers, that is unconditional love.

She has been there for me, it is my turn for her.  On that note have a wonderful long weekend, mine will continue with the camp Mrs. Jones and work this time, while doing so I am focusing on building more strength for the upcoming months. Be proud of where you are and remember, no step is too small.

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Love always, the proud, loving, Woman in Process

 

 

Tips & Tricks

You see the title, you are thinking what the heck is the witch talking about today while stirring her cauldron? No Halloween tips yet. Hmmm, though I would be most happy giving those, as its the greatest time of the year!

Today I am curious about what tips and tricks you use that help you get through depression, PTSD and chronic illness, any illness. I have been relooking at all of my tips, the way I deal with it and am curious on others. Maybe there is something I could learn or try that might be a huge benefit to me or me to you.

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Here are my top ones.

  • I juice, I do this when I am getting weak and need assistance and energy. (I use to do it daily). I also use a beet juice recovery drink that helps me bounce back it actually tastes great.
  • I use compression socks when my mobility is challenged and when travelling. Just a quick note they are bright fuschia, and help my legs recover. I need an orange pair next! Oh, and then blue!
  • I cry and laugh and let myself acknowledge the feelings, I try my best to not let my self critic judge me, sometimes easier said than done.
  • I use Japanese mint on my muscles, and when I don’t have it, or have run out I use A535 and feel like I am a Golden Girl when I head to work. Now I need some jasmine perfume. Just saying one of my favourite shows!
  • I walk, it needs to be out of town at times, so I can write the stories in my head and feel free, no sounds but leaves crunching, twigs snapping and hearing our own breath or the dog panting as she plays out quickly. As I look her breed up, yup doesn’t like much activity, that explains everything.
  • I bend into downward dog all the time to loosen my shoulders and try to keep my neck in place. It’s quite the story of damage, from a make shift hurdle, a saw horse and a fall.
  • While standing you may see me moving into a Tai Chi movement, or another method, to keep circulation flowing. In the morning I need to do them, as I look like a crab going down the stairs, it’s quite comical.
  • I aim to get a monthly massage, I have to, or I seize up and cannot walk. She is so good to me, she knows how to have my muscles respond and I feel like after it, I need a cigarette or a drink. If I am really tense, I have a drink before I go and Mr. Jones takes me, occasionally two. It helps me relax faster and she can get into the muscle quicker and more efficiently without me constantly tensing up. Yes, sometimes my appointment is at 9 am, so just add baileys to the coffee! It truly is 5 o’clock somewhere!
  • Meditation, reflection and just absolute silence at times are golden.
  • I laugh a lot, did I mention that? A  bit of a prankster and feel the weight lift from laughing, or I call it a roar. I let it all out. Throw the head back and laugh from the bottom of your diaphragm.
  • I make big sighs when no one is around and then shake myself up some. Just making sure all my jiggly parts are still there!
  • I squeeze and kiss the face of that great big wrinkle dog and yell she’s so fluffy!
  • When I can’t shop or go out, I watch fun movies, lots of happy ones, just saying, Princess Diaries is at the top of my list, as my girl and I watched it so many times. I shop online adding everything I like, making little wish lists (no purchasing, as I am not in the correct frame of mind) I also just lay there at times, listening to the fan and sleep. Sleep is a saviour.
  • I have mountains of books to read and keep them close by. I always love a good murder mystery or a good love story.
  • I splurge on new pyjamas, to make me feel better, and new slippers. I am usually in them as soon as I get home from work. I am like Bruce Almighty, I think my massage lady thinks the same too when I get in there!
  • The biggest, I try to not make too many plans, I try to make some small ones, but not every evening or weekend, I give myself space and try to look at what I choose to do, and not do them because of duty.

This is the time I look after me, me completely. I dream, I journal and I drink a lot of tea. I have quite the selection of loose tea. Investment here is great, throw some in your cauldron or you can hold a great cup in your hand and look out the window day dreaming. Great dreams, can become a reality.

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Love always, the cauldron stirring, tea toting, Woman in Process

P.S looking back, I talk a lot about drinking! Yup that’s me! I found this witch from http://www.theholidaybarn.com she has my name! I may have to order myself one. Check her out.

The crazy witch is now on Instagram.

Channeling Gandalf

I told you I was a geek, a nerd, loved my movies and the lines that I keep in my head  to play over and over and make myself laugh. Usually this takes place at the most embarrassing moments, but this is me. Yup I am embarrassing!

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As I was taking my shovel outside, the long spade, I immediately start to laugh, as I felt like Gandalf high on the mountain; reality sits in and I am shovelling a pile of dog shit. This is a little less spectacular, and no rainbows are coming out of her, all sixty pounds, but I still played my role and did the though shall not pass line as she is chasing around me, running crazy while I keep myself upright on the shovel. Zip zip, she is everywhere.

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I immediately thought of something and had to get the shed keys to find my treasure. A few years ago, one of the maintenance men that worked with me had an incredible talent. At the time I had no idea until one day he came in and told me he had a gift for me. I was shocked; shocked that he thought of me and shocked that he had put the time into such an item to create for me.

He passes me this long gnarled and twisted stick, and explains how he creates them, carves them and thought this might help keep me up higher when I am hiking and have to take the MS with me (I would prefer not to as it weighs down the backpack). He told me how much he admired my drive, that everytime I was getting knocked down, I kept going and got back up. image.jpeg

He made me tear up and I was so grateful that he shared such talent and genuine kindness towards me. I was too afraid to use it then, too afraid I may break it, destroy it and wanted to preserve it, and hid it covered in my she-shed.

While using the shovel to hold myself up, I remembered it and had to pull it out of its safe place. Tucked in with two more, as he decided I needed a daily walking stick and two for hiking, I took it out and looked at such raw talent. I am still in awe.

I will use my walking stick to hold me high, when everything is pulling me down. I will use it to keep myself climbing the mountains and appreciating the scenery and I will use it as hope; hope that each day, I keep moving on.

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It’s so beautiful and tomorrow, as I need some assistance, I will use it and share the story and appreciation for a man so kind.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for such a precious gift.

As always, the high walking, Gandalf loving, Lord of the Woman in Process

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Oh yes, that is me!

As snow will probably be in our future here in the upcoming months, I thought Gandalf up to his neck in it, is a great symbol for the days I feel so suffocated and trapped. What I remind myself, is it will always melt, usually with heat, love and kindness.

 

 

Awkward Bird

I found the start of this blog and the feelings I had and thought it was perfect for today.

We all know the story of the ugly duckling waddling along, just being themselves and the trials and tribulations they experienced. How about the awkward duckling, he could be similar?

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Lately, I have been asked again each time people see me how are you feeling? I look down while on my cane briefly, but I am trying to come up with the most amazing answer because I am more than the scars I have, I am me.

The last two weeks after the talk I gave I was asked what was it about? Unfortunately I cannot really describe it To you. I am asked a few more questions and finally look up and answer PTSD, yup there is that look.

The look of holy crap, face freeze and now what the hell do I say to her? I hear a lot of ummmm. I make people awkward, but they make me awkward too.

Standing in line at lunch, someone asks how I am feeling? Fine. You were dealing with some health problems are they all looked after? I’m managing and adapting. Doing anything for holidays? No, not really. You? The standard small talk awkward conversation.

This is my world. It may look small,  but trust me it is vast and there is so much more. Ask me instead of how I am feeling, how did it feel like to complete the talk, was it what you expected, what inspires me now? Please ask me anything but how I am feeling?

The answer I will give you is for your benefit. It is an awkward, simple response to make you think I am ok, right now I am not.

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As I awoke at what I thought was 3am,  I was so disappointed to find out a couple minutes later that it was 6am, as the alarm starts it’s incredible shrieking. Where is my hammer?

I attempt to move my body and just as I suspected, last week had caught up with me and the tears of pain begin. I remind myself, as I spend the morning crying, I got this, I can do it, and fall apart, but keep getting ready.

My mascara is on and I finish what I have to, I kind of look like I grabbed the first items I saw in my closet and haphazardly threw them on. I really didn’t, I am limited to the items today’s I need comfort; baggy top, I am swollen, shorter pants, so I don’t trip and I have to wear my shoes with their insoles, my right leg is dragging, they are not attractive by any means, and do not have bows, nor are they pink. They are depressing.

After spending last week in heels, running like a mad scientist, my body is done. I had a limited time card, just like on my games and had used up all the energy, I passed go but also did not get to collect $200. I need to find the recovery process, and soak it all up for the time being, I wonder where Mario put that mushroom.

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I understand the looks I get from those, who look at my face and eyes, (not to mention my hunch over) yes, I do look that dreadful, I have been zomified and it is only Monday. After venturing home and laying on the floor to cry from the pain, I made it through one more day. I look across and there is my pup laying beside me, licking at me, trying to make me feel better. Awe I appreciate that, she loves me just the way I am, broken and all; either that or she smells the treats I had.

Let us be honest, it turned out to be a two donut day and I am not sorry, I think I wore it off last week and feel some days I just need to give in to the temptation, the sadness. It was a mentally, mind boggling, manic Monday and tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow may only be a one donut kind of day or a tasty Tuesday kind of day.

My optimism is in there, but for tonight I think I may find my inner Tarzan and play a game I can yell at, this way no one thinks otherwise, but reality is I have my finger in the air waving it at my MS and telling it where to go, you can’t keep me down, nothing can.

Please note most breakdowns, often happen when no one is around, it can cause extreme hunger, or emotional eating, ingestion of sugar or caffeine, not limited to over eating and sarcasm and foul language, nudity can happen but usually if I can’t get my pants on, or fall over. At this point in my world, I have to laugh at myself.

Love always the donut eating, finger waving, Woman in Process

Spooktacular Witch is testing out this Instagram goodies. You can find her under that name.

 

 

 

Shitoday

It’s my new word for today. Let’s be honest, there are days that we do everything we can to bring ourselves up and nothing works. The dog is obnoxious, your jobs driving you nuts and your cat just unloaded her bladder all over her bed and as you are writing your thinking what the f— is on my phone.

It is a day of absolute craziness, nothing will go your way and you want to throw your hands in the air and lose it. Throw the vacuum through the window and say be done with it all. Your tired, you need rest and there is no end in sight. So today, screw the niceness, of what I normally say, today is a shitoday!

The catch is everything that you want to respond to, you are going to do it all in your head, not physically and not verbally to others, however you need to respond to it. Take a moment, let it unfold in your head, accept that it’s shitoday and then move on to the next issue.

Crush everything in your mind, let yourself have the moments you need, the venting into the pillow, beating into it, silent yelling into it or my favourite, I stop, pause, close my eyes, visualize and have the most sinister smile when I open them. Things are blowing up like 007 in my head and I walk away from it all, please pass my martini.

I will get through the items today and I am sure something will make me smile (oh god I hope) at some point. I’m even too tired to cry and give in.

I am heading back to work and will duct tape a pillow to the back of my office door, so that my head banging on it will not be too loud, I hate to disrupt anyone. I will do my duty and accept all the feelings that are happening today, (what else can I do?) and then continue on. I say, everything is out of alignment, one of my stars must be beating up on another and something will change here shortly and goodness will come from it. It will right?

Maybe I am kidding myself, but in the meantime, you can refer to me as, Mrs. Bond. If you get to the other side of the shitoday with a smile in the end, a huge high five from me or if we do this Bond style, a subtle glass in the air, and a sideways glance.

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If not, I will meet you on the boat deck with my scotch, cigar and our visuals.

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Wow, that is sure how I feel!

As always, when will the shitoday end, more laundry and clean up to do, Woman in Process

P.S exactly what I thought. One hour with my ninja co-worker and we are peeing ourselves laughing. Awesome!

 

 

 

Scream & Shout

I know you are starting to sing it in your head. “I want to scream and shout and let it all out.”

I sing this often especially when it feels as though things are tough, but today there was a new method to my madness. I dusted off my games and set it up on the Xbox to play Grabbed by the Ghoulies. Yup an oldie! We had bought it for the girl to play on the original one and I have not played it, until today.

It is the day, with my controller in hand, I beat the pulp out of the skeletons and roared, over over with many profanities. It brings out my aggression but I can kick some ass and mediatate after, to take me down from my serial killer tendencies. Yes I really said that, you know we all posess some traits.

I beat on the skeletons, I yelled, I swore, my hands ache from squeezing the controller so hard and I feel so much better. I am big on letting your inner anger out. When my daughter was younger and had a build up, she used her damn it doll and then felt better. Nothing has changed, when I would beat up on the dummy at boxing, I felt relieved. Aggressive sports, bring out my cave woman style and I will clobber something with my club.

I am picturing myself in my fur, barefoot and grunting, it’s not a pretty sight, but one fairly funny visual. We all have an underlying temperament that once in a while we need to let it loose, on something that is fun, or does not cause harm.

I would like to go try the paint guns and see how much fun that is. Just saying I will ensure, I am dressed like Rambo for that day.

Mr. Jones was laughing at my slur of obscenities and how I mushed them together. He comments, apparently you need to do this more often. I feel spent, as I cancel the game, I have had enough; the Ghoulie laughs at me and the dog’s head pops up looking around. This game made my afternoon.

Life is about enjoying so many things, and some days we go through the constant motions without taking it in. I have lost some years of my life to this, due to the MS and the PTSD. It soaked everything out of me, like wringing out a cloth and now I feel, as though there is some life there, I don’t feel as limp.

Let us hope it is not alien life, as that’s a whole other blog, but a new life, one I am trying to be conscious of every day. I have always wondered when people said they were reborn after rehab or some major life altering situation, what did they truly mean? I think I get it.

As I armed the kitchen with sliced vegetables, cheeses and meats not to mention all the sauces; I am cutting and working myself into my old routine. The one where all the kids and friends were coming for dinner. It is one of our hottest days of the year, but after a good meal; homemade pizza, use Guinness for the dough as it makes it amazing; and some laughter out on the deck, my physical and mental state is spent and I sack out for a full night sleep, something that does not happen often. I feel content and wake up smiling for another day to begin.

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While soaking it all in this morning, I know how blessed I was yesterday, I just don’t think they know how much it meant to me; so for this year, another goal is to make more time for family time, even with the distance between everyone. Life is changing, but I think it’s finally changing for the good now, or maybe it was to make sure I saw all the wonderful things around me? That I will never be sure on the reason, but know it’s one stepping stone to greatness.

 

Love always, the pizza making, where’s my chef hat, marshmallow throwing, Woman in Process

P.S the marshmallow story is quite funny, the looks on everyone’s face was the real priceless moment.

My recipe for the dough, says one cup Guinness, but when it’s hot, it’s more like one and a half to two cups. Apparently it was thirsty too!

 

 

About Moi

As my writing lately seems so heavy and so releasing at the same time I thought I would spend today on something really different, quirky and geeky.

I named Mr.Jones his name from Amy Winehouses’s Me & Mr. Jones song, as I loved it so. Plus with my maiden name and married name both, people cannot say them correctly and if you saw them you would laugh trying to pronounce them, so it seemed like a good idea to keep it simple as well. Reality, both names look like part of amalgamated swears and regular words, if you change one letter. Those that know me are writing it out.

While going through my bootcamp therapy, Amy’s voice filled my house steady while I would lose myself in my thoughts, my paintings. She was a very talented creative soul.

Bif Naked’s song I love myself today has become my theme song especially when things are rough, I crank it up and sing it at the top of my lungs. I used her song, before I gave my talk in May on life, wow that was just about three months ago, time is flying by.

When asked where I was (lots do not know) or what my talk was on, I just say PTSD now, it’s something we need to know more about, as so many are dealing with it. My learning curve has been living it, I know there is a reason, I tell myself that. Crappy days still make in hard, please pass the potato chips. I’m also an emotional eater.

My go to for sweets is my chocolate chip cookies, cooked my way, and I admit I cannot control myself to one, once they are on the pan cooling, they call my name endlessly. I give in, there is no willpower there but, I love all baking. I think I am a better baker than cook, but Mr. Jones can tell you for sure.

The endless references and lines I use are from years of sci fi shows we watched. It was our family time and ask me do I know all the words to Buffy’s, Once More With Feeling. You know the answer, the cd is in the house and for a light night Mr. Jones puts the episode on for us and my favourite line is they got the mustard out! I always giggle.

20th Century Fox opening I have to do the wa wa wa wa, the same as Ralph Wiggum, every time.

Matt Damon, I have to say his name the same as Team America if I hear it. I cannot let it go and doesn’t matter where I am.

Mr. Jones hooked me into My Dad Wrote a Porno, I blew beverage out, when I heard some of the lines.

My daughter is my hero, and I see how much she inspires me to be like her and to keep going. Love ya kiddo! She is coming home today for a couple days!

The Pup is over sixty pounds and has been a great companion, to work through all the stuff, she was brought into my life to help work on the PTSD, I cannot imagine my world without her drooling, is that peanut butter you have mama, sad eye staring looks. She is still a pup just very large and I have seen the shredding of Monkey, Rooster, Lampchop and Charlie Brown to name a few. She also has ticklish toes, I take advantage of that. If she stands up beside me she is just about to my shoulders but if she stretches I think she is taller. Can you reach the cupboard for mama? I can’t reach it. I have to use step stools everywhere, including my closet.

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Someone is tired from their shredding.

Our family loves football, we travelled endlessly to see our favourite team play five hours away. We have a ton of clothing, and the girl still paints her face up when we go. Those days of travelling and talking, are some of my favourites. Buying season tickets was so awesome! Season tickets for CFL, is a lot cheaper than the NFL.

Last year we took Mr. Jones on a bucket list trip. He wanted to see the submarine in Chicago, and he is not a city person, so he did well. Watching him run his hands over a part of it, he was a big kid. The girl, called before we left for Chicago and found tickets to the Green Bay preseason game, we bought them! With no hotel yet in Wisconsin and no rental car, we said we would figure it out. We got the rental and to my family’s surprise I asked for the convertible, it was a Bumblebee convertible! They were like what? Mum got what? When Mr. Jones found out we were going to see Green Bay, he went into shock. The girl and I have sprung over the years some shockers to him, but he would not book or buy things for himself, he thinks of the family and says he doesn’t need anything. We took him as well to the Notre Dame tour, he was ecstatic.

I love mystery shows, but my favourite is Murder She wrote, the Clue movie and I love the Clue board game. I will whip your ass on it. Ugg sorry, I am also highly competitive. When asked by Mr. Jones what I want to watch, my answer is, something with action.

I was captain of our basketball team, in school and played centre at just about 5″6, I could jump well. I injured my back in grade ten, and that’s when I started to not care about life for a while. My dreams of what My future looked like had changed, so I worked from there on recreating it and decided I was going to be a teacher. I did go to school for it, have two years left, but life took me another route, in some ways I teach a different way, every day.

I learned yoga before it was trendy from a woman who had a studio in her house, not far from where I live now. She had trained in India and her husband was an artist.

I normally have an amazing memory and can see myself doing the item previously and can give step by step instructions from it. The items I can retain has been really crazy, so I’m working on dumping some of that non pertinent information. It’s working. Except my third birthday card poem from my Grandma and Grandpa, still hanging onto that in my head.

I was told I would have no children at age sixteen, my daughter is my miracle baby, and pretty sure she was immaculate conception at age 21. Surprise! Best surprise ever! Mr. Jones met us when she was three months old, and that is how we became the three Musketeers most days, and a family of five or six, the Brady Bunch, depending if all the kids came over on days off. One daughter lives in our hometown and two in the city. Mr. Jones stepson is in another city.

My favourite destination is Disneyland, because I love Mickey so. I don’t care for the big rides, I am much more of the Peter Pan, Snow White rides, more my style. I squeel riding the flying Dumbo ride, the little kids are braver than me. I will always wear ears, and hello! How come there is no adult princess dress up place? I would be all over that.

I start watching fall movies like Halloween Town and Charlie Brown in summer, as soon as Halloween is finished, my birthday, I move on to Christmas movies. When I am sad I pull out some of my favorites and watch, and the two most watched movies, You’ve Got Mail, and Christmas with the Kranks.

My morning always starts with flavoured coffee, not cream, (today Baileys)  and I can be a morning person, as I use to be at work at 4:30am in the early days. My body prefers a 5 am or 6 am wake up nothing in between or I am groggy.

As it is Sunday, and I see more stuffing around the house, I will be in clean up mode, plus I am still organizing the books from moving the shelves.

Have a wonderful day of relaxation, adventures, and life in general.

Love always, the stuffing picker, squeeling, ear wearing, big kid, Woman in Process

P.S. The photos are being printed for the scrapbook I am working on, over 300 of the pup.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tears in Heaven

I jumped into the car to drive to my destination, backed up and hear the song starting to play on the radio, instant tears fill my eyes and I begin to laugh. It’s another sign and I spend the few minutes listening to the words and trying to choke the words out, in the middle of the parking lot.

The angels have been hard at work trying to grab my attention endlessly, from the numbers, the music, the words I hear, the energy I seem to have, I am listening. I’m all ears.

I still hear the laughter of our loved ones and it makes me smile, they haven’t left, they are always by my side, I am truly grateful for that. At times I feel I may crumble and fall, but feel the hands of someone holding me up, encouraging me to get back up, willing me to keep going.

It’s the feeling that you need to keep persevering, keep paddling the canoe, even when the water feels it’s so high and the boat is starting to fill. I see lately the endless times, I am working on problem solving, stopping my thoughts and working through each item. Talking to myself in my head or outloud and their voices a whisper on my right side of my head.

Some days it feels like the road begins to grow,expanding, I question will I make it to the end, to the prize, what lies at the end of that road? I recently have been realizing how when I get to that spot, I’m sure there is nothing there, just vastness, it is all about the stops and scenic moments along the way, nothing more.

The flat tires, the hiccups, the muddy waters and how we keep making it through them. How do we find strength and stamina and arm ourselves into the ultimate Spartan Race? Just saying having to live someone’s life in a specific period of time with all the stuff, sounds like a pretty hard race and this one I have been living, I think is enough.

I feel so compelled to ensure I can find and keep life, kind of blah. I know you are thinking what the hell? Not blah as in boring, which I thought I was recently when talking to someone, but blah as in no major dramatic scene stealers, just letting things take its natural course. Making sure I revert to the old days of listening to my gut feelings, the theory if it’s meant to be it will be and if I truly want it enough and it is good for me, it will happen, when the timing is correct.

This week has been challenging with the eyesight, and I am lucky it was a small hiccup, but one I was getting frightened by. (This is why I look for beauty and try to remind myself of those items, I don’t want to forget or realize I missed seeing something).

After evenings of insomnia and me looking as if I was cast in the Walking Dead; look mum I’m the zombie to the right who got the nail wood in the head, I finally was able to sleep one night of the week and upon waking, I swear the fricking birds were singing, Snow White was cleaning (I wish) and the Viagra song was repeating itself in my head. Now I have you thinking which song?

I hope my angels in heaven would be proud of how I have been living life, and continuing to drag my sorry butt up each time I am knocked down. As I feel I am becoming more of me, I have a new smile, a different feel, it is getting lighter. I have moments and days, but I think those may lessen over time, or be instigated by the triggers.

I have become stronger in looking at my fears, vocalizing it more, I pray that those things I have seen keep decreasing in my role. I don’t wish them on anyone and certainly do not want my team to see any of them. It hurts me for the ones that did, in one of our emergencies, as it did its tole on them as well, three wonderful ladies come to mind.

I am not sure how to word this but here goes, to the family who lost their loved one by natural causes, I am sorry, I am also sorry that I could not have saved him, that I was too late in finding him. It weighs on me everyday of my life.

You were the breaking point of my years upon years of tragedies and incidents I have seen that were tucked into my cookie jar in my head, you were the one that broke it open. I am determined not to close it all in again, for my sanity, I don’t want to have to live under a rock for the rest of my life.

Just so you know, I took care in all of your belongings, I hugged your mum and dad, I made sure I was so delicate and compassionate with them, I am so sorry that was how we met.

Now, as my tears are rolling down my cheeks, I will remind you to make sure your hellos and goodbyes to your loved ones, you are in the present moment, not thinking about something else or rushing out the door. Make time stand still on those moments, make them count.

The snorty, snory Doo (nickname from Scooby) is sacked out and living life her way, I am analyzing mine like usual and am continuing to work on finding my footing on the slippery rocks of life. I hope I am on the right path, hand in hand with them all to get me there. I can smell their perfume and see their hair as they walk, a giggle comes from them all, I think I am in good hands.

Have a blessed weekend, hugs to you all.

Love the heart heavy Woman in Process