The alarm is beeping wildly and I couldn’t help but snuggle back into the warmth of the bed with the two dogs and nuzzle into my feather pillow. One doo is definitely not a morning dog and stretches her bod across my side of the king bed, the other playing on the corner with her toy. My goal this morning was to get up and complete my sculpting workout and activate my muscles for tonight, but we did have an extensive workout last night outdoors, varying between the girls.
The eighty pounder (maybe more now) is ready to run steady and can easily drag me and the other doo up the hill and the other beautiful hundred thirty pounder needs small doses of exercise in smaller increments; both crosses of Bullmastiff’s, but each their own amazing and loving personalities. Sometimes great little stinkers!
Last night as we rounded the corner towards the large grassy hill, I unleashed the short lead and there as we ran down I watched the big Doo, ears flapping, jowls hanging and endless smiles on her face enjoying those moments of running. Those are the moments I want to remember always.
I have spoken many times on how my big doo had given me back my life; helped me be able to leave the house, went to work daily and was my constant resource to help me deal with the ptsd. She is, as always doing it again. This time things have changed slightly, she has been waking me up when she knows I am starting to deal with the allergic reaction again.
Since the second incident, they have me taking daily doses of antihistamines to try and calm my system down, the bites on my legs, still scarred and bruised looking remnants of what started this whole affair with a chain reaction of additional events and the storm that erupted to cause my emergency.
During the night if something starts to change in my body there is my big doo waking me up, licking my hand, or hitting my arm so that I can take what is needed. She is so in tune and I can’t believe how lucky we were to find each other. Little Doo is usually snoring through the whole affair, but likes to tend to my tears, as she doesn’t like to see me cry. Both have been excellent at helping wake me up and chasing my nightmares away. They are my own magic wands.
This week my goal was to run a 5km run on the Friday. After this past weeks experience, the first thing I had was so much fear. Can I go? I need to take so much stuff now to run? Will my legs bother me (between the scars, the ms and my mind) it felt like I was trapped again in my own body. And somewhere in the back of my mind it limited me in how I thought, what I could do and created so much self doubt.
I am determined to do this! The best therapy I found was to work the crazy out. Run like the wind inside or outside, whatever made me comfortable and to let myself break. My body would start to heal more when I hit the 20 to 35 minute mark and I would be blubbering on the treadmill, gasping for air and wiping my nose. I was refreshed, I had clarity, and I had this building of internal strength along with building a great tushy.
I want to wake up and be excited about life! I want to be excited of running this race. I want to be excited about trying new things and not to be in constant fear. I want to be excited to let myself be myself. There truly is no one like you and I want to harness those feelings for the bad days to help give me strength and perseverance.
For me this all became my self care.
My self care, key word! Did I run like the wind tonight? Not a chance, more like small bursts of gusts, but I finished. I even stopped to absorb a beautiful field with perfect lighting. I finished feeling proud of myself, proud that I was able to keep fear at bay, proud of how far I have come over these years and of course I had some rocking tunes to bring me home, with Lenny Kravitz bringing me to the finish line asking if I’m gonna go my way.
As always, believing in yourself is the first step of self care, have faith and take small steps.
Love always the running, winded, oh dear god another hill, proud and crazy Woman in Process
P.S. this week I signed up for a 10km virtual run, it’s all about me and that medal, just to say I did it! Plus the medal is sooooo cool!