Scrapbook Heaven

After some Starbucks butterscotch coffee, yum, I decide it was time to begin the Saturday morning chores. Originally I thought of an adventure, but find I am tired and a day at home would be a wonderful adventure in its self.

Organize the home, prep for the week and soak all the stresses away in a warm tub. My day is planned out, no changes, right?

We are still in full prep mode for the fall, and as the rain, lightening and thunder are still upon us daily, we use it to move items in the house, inventory the freezer and go through the books we are going to donate. (The books are heading to Ethiopia in a container to the university).

I am determined to search through one box in the garage, that has been sitting; it has moved to the top of my list. Into the garage I go to see if there are any treasures left from my scrapbooking days. Eureka!!! I find a box inside a box labelled and to my surprise, it is full of scrapbooking stickers, stamps and scissors. I am elated!

I spent a little time Friday night, while I was to be picking up dinner at the grocery store to cook, fondling the aisles of scrapbook heaven. I am a two hander, so I need to put my purse in the cart and take in all the items, looking, reading and determining what I need or should I say want. Let’s be honest, I want it all!

After much deliberation, I think I went through all the jurors in my head, I have established what I am getting with my magnificent coupon and then I had to venture to the clearance section, excited on my finds, laughing and clapping my hands. The lady over from me, just laughed at my joy. I am who I am.

Over the past while, throughout all the ups and downs, the self discovery, there have been specific quotes that have choked me up and touched my heart. I have decided to incorporate all those quotes, into an album with the growing pictures of the pup.

The PTSD is the reason she is here and the journey for myself seems reflective in her own growth from puppy to tame monster. (She just finished Lampchop off this morning).

I am not sure tame would be the correct word for her! She has turned into an amazing gentle moose, that has Silence of the Lambs tendencies every so often. I can deal with that. (No pun intended, tee hee).

With my new book in hand, I am prepared for my Sunday afternoon, as the rest of Saturday also included a three hour nap, a tub, some laundry and quiet time as my eyes are pulling a Mr. Bean.

Dont worry, I am not driving today as they continue their dance, but I am keeping my backlight and electronic use to a minimum. After reading my horoscope today, it reminded me to put my oars down. Hello? Who the heck is in my head?

With the dancing eyes, the blindness, the enduring physical joys, I find I have been trying to steer Noah’s ark and need a break. So today I give all my compulsive and control freak tendencies to the universe and may find myself napping once again.

My words will be kept to a minimum and all I will do, is wish you the most amazing, snoozing, relaxed, carefree Sunday possible.

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Love always the sticker loving, scrapbooking, running with scissors, Woman in Process

P.S did I mention I even bought a sticker maker! Total geek! I so need a t-shirt.

 

 

Two Cookie Night

It was a two cookie night! Reality is it could have been more than two cookies (homemade, chocolate chip with extra chocolate), but there was some restraint and I needed to leave one or two for Mr. Jones.

My restraint, still made me look as if, I had channeled my inner Cookie Monster and demolished the cookies and scoured the entire room for crumbs. Nothing remained, no crumbs, no morsel or bite.

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Yesterday, was a busy and high energy day, thus today I could crawl under a rock and hide and cry. After days like yesterday, I always tell Mr. Jones, some days it is hard being me, (I always laugh but he understands, I have high expectations of myself) I just feel as though I expend so much energy and then have to work my way back up the cliff trudging along, my smile pasted on until I strive to hit the next high note.

It prompts a long conversation and Mr. Jones tells me he understands, he says I set the bar too high for myself and he can understand how challenging it is to live up to it each day, I remind him it is the battle of my inner critic, who antagonizes me to keep adding the bar up another notch.

I am so appreciative of him, listening to me, hearing me, and then not worrying as I talk to myself, to knock it off and pull myself together; to stop complaining. Life is good.

Some days I do set the bar up, but that’s because I expect to give all of myself, not just twenty five percent or fifty. I want to ensure I do a job worthy, I want to put my heart into the task; there is a price to pay for that physically and mentally at times. We need to embrace downtime, whatever that may be.

It is one avenue I am embracing, I will have  my down, cookie eating, nothing is safe kind of days then I will (kick, scream and fight) work at picking myself up, cut out the cookies (or at least decrease them) and make sure I run, walk, chase the dog and find that one beautiful sight that expresses love and soul that speaks to me.

I need to embrace the fact, that I do need to have these days, we all do, we need them to know the difference between each day, the positives, the negatives and the gratefulness of the wonderful messes that surround us. Life is truly messy on some days, and we need to let ourselves have permission to color outside the lines, stay up late, and eat in bed.

It gives us an opportunity to improve ourselves, challenge ourselves and love ourselves just the way we are, the messiness, the scatterness we may feel,  the darkness, the days we need to feel sad and helpless and choose to eat the whole package of cookies or two. Please pass the Oreos.

So today, my blog is short so I can see what else I may demolish(I know there are no chips, sigh) and have a complete and lazy evening of nothing, because that is what I need, that is my downtime, my zoned out, tuning it all off evening.

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Embrace the darkness to get through to the light. My darkness is even willing to share a cookie with you. Don’t tell Mr. Jones, this way he can go into the rendition of “Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar” in the morning. I haven’t heard that one for a bit.

Today, I was presented with this famous line from William Blake, it is one of my favorites, today, I believe it was the focus of what I found beautiful and am grateful for.

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Love always the cookie eating, demolishing, I have hope, Woman in Process

P.S I prefer the golden Oreos now, it all stems from having to dress up as an Oreo for grade seven initiation, who makes the big boned girl (chunky) be a cookie. It was not a highlighted moment for me, but I made it through and had good hair on that day; not my frizzy doo.

 

Earth, Wind, Water & Fire

It is the usual day, the sun is shining, the routine is done and I am praying for some darn rain. I think I prayed too much! The dams open and I swear Noah and his arc were located on a bypass street, a block over from us.

It was incredible to see the storm rolling in, from the black clouds to the hail and then the downpour that Mother Nature endowed on us. The Gods were angry or were fighting amongst themselves.

The deep voices of the thunder to the shrieking of the lightening, I sat away from the window waiting for the worst to come. Mr. Jones in his glory watching the downpour and enjoying the show, restless, as he would like to be standing in the middle of the rain, taking it all in. The pup then decides she needs to visit the outdoors from the hurtling sounds she hears, great timing, girl!

I slowly venture out with her, and am nervous to leave the containment of my home. It all stems back to the lightening flying past my arm and blowing up my television when I was young. There is no fear with me still, as I am army crawling out and back in to the shelter, of the carport/garage.

She races around the yard, over and over, smelling, looking up and wondering what is happening, till something frightened her and she ran with all her might into the garage. Her ears were flapping and she looked like she finished the Kentucky Derby in first place. Her breathe heavy, soaking wet, and still puzzled by her exploration of the outdoors.

Inside to the home we go. I consider at times moving, but I love my old style cottage, bungalow, piece mealed home. It has history, that was shared to us by our original Up couple, who have both passed since, God rest their souls.

He had shared that our home was an original, to the army barracks and he remembers the day it was moved in, the beginning of the 50’s. He had lived here for a very long time. The house history we have been piecing together over time, from one original house piece that was located a few blocks away to the house having two more add ons, to be in three different stages.

During some renovations, as we determined it was finally time, and I would say have the money but sometimes those repairs hit you when you really don’t have it.  Surprise!

We have found some interesting items; from the walls using newspapers as insulation and pulling the dates off of those in the 40’s, to a person writing on the back of a cheque in the 60’s the measurements of their handy work and that piece going into the wall.

As the house was pieced together, there were numerous items that made us yell seriously! Our favourite was, as I was downstairs doing laundry and the tub was draining, I look over and oh no, I found a hole as it is pouring into the open crawl space, it was time to replace it. It was on my list coming up, but this moved the timetable forward.

Pulling that tub and finding a high pressure gas line with no regulator where your bum sits made us all go, WTF! I had to laugh! Of all the possible things, you would never have bought that. I’m thinking I could have been blow up, sitting naked. Oh my, that would have been a front page story I would not have liked to share.

A call to my gas company and they were laughing, thinking I was crazy and didn’t know what I was talking about. Surprise, they shook their heads in disbelief, bewildered. I say, that was our reaction too! As he is telling us it’s probably another $900 to move it and my lips are going numb trying to figure out where that is coming from the budget, he says let me see what we can do, it may be a wait but there is an old house program.

Heck yes we will wait, and use the closet shower (I fit fine in) downstairs, Mr. Jones certainly does not, but he is game, if it’s cheaper. The program covered the cost, it took us three months to do that side of the bathroom but, it was done and we could go on our way. I now can relax in a soaker tub and not think I am getting blown up today. I still laugh when I sit in it.

With that repaired and numerous other surprises, such as my nose working overtime. I can pull a smell out of the house and say I think…. and find it immediately. That nose saved our basement from burning up.

I was laying on the couch ill, not well and very weak, falling asleep. My nose started and I was up in a moment. I could smell something burning. Click the light on, we see nothing and I am standing in the area, my daughter had come in from me calling her.

Instantly, I see something, a tiny stream of smoke and I yell. She rushes upstairs to her dad and he hits the breakers off to the basement. No electricity at all left on and the electrician is called, he was arriving the next day. I caught it right before it would have burst into flames and left us standing in the drive way, homeless.

Mr. Jones, always listens to my nose now. If I say something, he is up now, as he has seen it in action over many items, but the electrical was the one that saved us. At work, those that really know me, listen to the nose!

So with the storm brewing and my laundry room wet, I see the water bubbling in through the cinder blocks, pooling in the house, and water coming into my kitchen from, we have no idea, I remind myself it’s all so fixable and I got this. Normally, I go into the mode of how am I going to….. not anymore. I look at it in a bigger picture and have faith. Faith it will work out, faith it will be okay and faith we will persevere.

The biggest is that I have faith in my home still protecting me. He may have some bumps and bruises, but we keep working with him and he seems to be in great shape, compared to some horror stories I hear of newer homes. He has provided years of relaxation, solitude, protection and support, especially while I was on my time away to focus on the PTSD.  He has a history that no one else will remember except for us and those before us, so I would like to finish out my days in my own home, for comfort.

Mr. Jones and I may end up being the Up couple one day on our street, telling the stories to the new couples, of their new to them homes and the people that lived here, that we called our neighbors.

So as bad as it may seem that day, it’s fixable and life will go on. To those who have had to deal with so much more, this week, I give you the strength I have, to hopefully give you that tiny bit more to keep going. Have faith dear friends and stay safe, stay dry.

As there was nothing I could do, I made us cookies and tea. I had some control over that and of course added more chocolate chips than normal, I needed some chocolate to sweeten the day.

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The dog is barking incessantly, maybe Noah is here to pick us up. I should check to be sure.

Love always the water sucking, cookie making, Woman in Process.

 

Golden Leaves

As we sit in the morning light, the dog groaning loudly that it’s Monday, I laugh and remind her she is off the clock today, as it is a holiday for her and only a couple hours of work for me to begin yet another month.

The leaves are beginning to fall, the colours changing every so slightly and the temperature in the evening is cooling off. I know what is around the corner, the most fantastic season ever, the season every menopausal women seems to love; that’s layering season!

One, where you don’t have to worry, finally you can dress light and won’t sweat to death. You won’t look like you just walked out of the sauna when you see the sunlight or when you walk into a room full of people. Can I get a hallelujah!!!

Seriously though, it’s been one year this month since I said what the heck is happening to me, and I reached to out to begin the journey to my bootcamp therapy. It’s hard to believe that it has been that long already and looking back I didn’t think, I would even get to where I am.

Not saying it’s peachy and roses as some days getting out of bed is still a struggle, but knowing your sixty pound pup with the bladder the size of a wicked tsunami, can get you up in a hurry and she decides whether or not you are crawling back into that bed for the morning, or if you are now on her time. I am okay with that.

Even as some days, I still want to crawl back in, she is a handful at times and needs me more, usually it is to get the basket off the shelves, to pull all her toys out, it is definitely not the feeding as Mr. Jones whips up her spectacular breakfasts for a queen and me, (picture it) I stand there gagging trying to get the soft food mixed in her hard food for her, turning my head and trying to breathe.

The sight of me with my finger in the air, saying just a moment as I gag continuously, is really not a beautiful morning sight, so I am so glad Mr. Jones can look after this part. I am officially on poop duty, after all, I am a mother and have been down this road before, insert gagging face here as well, throw up duty, insert face again.

My stomach likes nothing at times, I see something that reminds me of one of the incidents, gagging may start or a thought comes into my head and it is the same. I am really hoping I can tap my way out of this one soon. It has gotten better and I know with continuous work, and time it will be less and less.

For now, as I have been working on my word of create, I have been putting my energy into my organizer, my house and all the projects to have me prepped and ready before the four lettered word pops by, as we know, here it could be arriving any month really, lovely snow. I do love snow, but not for eight months of the year. Yes, we have had it that long before, the winter that never ends!

I had previously been working on a mental list of things and changes I had wanted to complete over time or dreams of completing, as I was slowly taking back my life and each of the items are slowly being crossed off that list. Now, I am looking at new items to give myself, new hobbies or crafts, new colours to paint, new furniture to refinish.

This weekend I decided I would tackle my dresser. I still have a bit more work on it and of course sealer, etc, but I am making sure that I like the changes I completed to my Alice in Wonderland dresser; this is what I call it. It was my favourite when I originally bought it for the kids, but it was my love of it, that I decided it eventually had to come to the master room.

The handles were all brass and I do like their style, so decided to just give it some paint and go from there. The drawers have a lock on each of them so they cannot come out except the bottom one and that is what we found out many years later that the kids used it as a ladder, hence the damaged slider I need to have fixed. Pardon? My husband shuddered when he heard that, sneaky Devils! They are all in their twenties now, so no point in scolding them anymore.

The colouring of the warm grey, is so beautiful and so calm and serene to me, it is one of the biggest changes I made in the room on the walls, when I was working on finding myself under the pile of emotions. I seem to have been working on finding myself at the bottom of the empty paint cans.

The best part is, as I change something, color style, I feel as if I keep making my luggage I carry with me lighter, as if some part is getting dumped off along the way. I suggest you do not pick up anything you see me dump. (I am picturing myself here with a dump truck, knocking it all out). I am hoping to have a very light suitcase one day, and if not I prefer the old vintage makeup case, as it is lighter and less can be carried.

That is the ultimate goal, less of everything, less stress, less complications and less trying to be someone we are not. I think I am doing well with this challenge on some days, and am more apt to recognize it on others. I have been getting myself out into the world of the living and being around more people without my nerves feeling as though I’m doomed. This is wonderful, as I keep creating some fantastic meals and really need to be able to get into the grocery store for that.

After our rainy, picnic lunch and outdoor market yesterday, we picked up some fantastic fresh vegetables at the gardens and I had to start creating something out of them last night in preparation for tonight’s dinner. As I was hungry, after the mud adventures, I will explain momentarily, I may have had to sample a bit of them as well to keep myself nourished.

The rain was socked in around the valley and the drive to the location is one of the prettiest ones showcasing the ever changing seasons, it is picturesque; only an hour from where we live. We were meeting our parents there for an outdoor excursion. As the pup, who goes everywhere with me to keep the anxiety down, was restless, (it probably was the egg salad for us both) we ventured for a walk.

My sis, had caught up to us about a tour taking place of the old buildings and I joined them for the jaunt. There on the side of the road was a dead snake, and my mum was thrilled to see one. Me, not so much and my nerves begin to crawl. That was it, I decided on this walk we will stay in the centre of the road and venture through all the mud instead so we see no snakes. No snakes will be jumping out at us on this adventure, as I would feel sorry for one if he crossed my path.

As the pup and I walked we were covered, mud all up my clothes, her legs, belly, it was really everywhere. I get back to the motor home and my brother asks, why are you so muddy? Uhhhh, it’s because of a snake. Needless to say, she was tubbed once home and myself and the back of the car, was cleaned up as well too. Little did I know, we had snakes in that area.

Anyways, I see the clock hitting the better get moving hour, or it is just because I have a rumbly in my tumbly kind of morning and need breakfast.

As always, enjoy the beautiful day where ever you are, start unpacking and always say yes to the ice cream. Love the so afraid of snakes, mud bogged, Woman in Process.

 

My Baby Girl

It’s the middle of the night and I can hear her breathe across the room. It’s way too hot for her, especially wearing a fur coat, they are not in season at this time. She struggles endlessly to find comfort, peacefulness, that is not normally her.

I can hear her struggle and have been waking up constantly to get her water and check on her as she chose the floor to sleep on. I finally decide we are heading to the basement and we try out the new bed in the girl’s old room. She is unsure, but finally stretches out and we start to relax.

The fan running beside the bed, the sounds of the basement creeping, the dehumidifier sucking the moisture from the air. I lay in the dark, and turn on my light on the phone and stare up at the ceiling. There on the old stucco ceiling are coloured glow in the dark stars and planets. I charge them with energy and then click my light off to look at them.

Each placed in their exact spot she had decided. I remember buying them all and how excited she was to add them. She was determined to put them up, she tried herself but was too short and needed aid.  When we went to a new store, she decided she needed more, she needed to have her own galaxy to look up at while she lay and the planets were all in their alignment.

It was calming, yet sad in a melancholy way. How many nights did I head downstairs to tuck her in and crawl into bed with her? I remember her at seven, her reading from a list of all the reasons why she was big enough to have the room downstairs. She was brave enough, to be a room away from us and really if you look over the banister you can see her, so she is not that far away, she says. We let her have the room, her argument was very thought out. It was her passion that could help guide her.

She loved her room, she loved all her posters we framed, the endless colours we painted and eventually adding in a Car’s fan and light in, even though she was getting bigger at the time, she was still a kid. She made it her own, she made it home.

It doesn’t feel like that now as I lay there, it seems as if it was a dream so long ago. It was years, that it was her home and now, it doesn’t feel quite the same. All the posters, now hang in her condo in her living room, the furniture in her new room and a good portion of our furniture now in her place making that home.

She will be home in two weeks and I am very excited. I know she says the room feels strange now, as if she is a guest, but to us, this home was where we raised her since she was three. She is always welcomed through our doors and nothing is better than, when we see that smile as she has surprised us.

Where we played in the sprinkler in the hot summer and on the sidewalk with chalk; ran scooters down the street. Where we ran string around the house and attached it to her present from Santa, making her find it with clues from rolling up a ball of yarn. He was always so adventuresome every year, there was always a game or task. Silly Santa! She adored them.

The photos of her taken throughout the house, sitting in her pjs, making cookies and playing barbies, we built the foundation of this house on so many memories. It feels odd at times and I feel as though, I am rebuilding certain aspects of it, I am building now where I fit into life, my life.

While she was young, we let her make mistakes, we let her try to figure out the way on anything that would not hurt her. We treated her, as we wanted to be treated and listened to her ideas. I am grateful for the way she has evolved into her personality; her ideology on life, the ability she has, to give so much of herself to her job, her schooling and her volunteering.

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Today, I received an email and a phone call, that my baby girl had won another scholarship. I am so proud of her, from the little girl in pig tails turning on the mixer, when she shouldn’t have, to the tall, yoga loving, running, passionate human being she has become.

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I may feel sadness that the years seemed to slip through our fingertips like sand granules, but I have some incredible stories and pictures in my head; I know that she is a gift to the world and I have to share her; she was a huge gift to me and she gave me so much to live for.

So tonight as I have tears in my eyes, missing her, I have happiness to know, how blessed I was to be given such a remarkable human being to guide. I think sometimes that her old soul within, her actually guided me, into my path of learning and journey.

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The pup finally slept for a bit, while this blog was burning itself into my head, until she rolled over and fell off the bed. It was quite the kaboom! Some shock to her, but the girl is alright and was able to get back into her sleep zone. Tonight, the wind is blowing and I am praying for the thunder showers to cool everything off, so she and I can have a great rest.

This weekend, I wish you the ability to enjoy the memories that are part of your life, the joy of the future with its endless possibilities and the joy of having people around you, who love you.

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As always, love the melancholy, teary eyed, proud mama, the Woman in Process

P.S The photo from the top, those are my beautiful grandmas with my baby girl, when she was about three months. I was so happy, my dad and I made the trip, so my baby girl could meet them. It wasn’t that long after it seemed, that we lost Grandma Maude and Grandma Laura was quite a few years later. I was blessed to have had these two strong woman in my life, I only wished we had lived so much closer. Thank you for what you have taught me, from the awesome cooking skills I adopted, to the crafty gene. I love you both!

Creative Girl?

It feel like weeks since I wrote anything. I spent Saturday getting a reflexology treatment and have been adapting (that word again) to how I feel. The past few days I find my furnace in my body is cranked up, the steam keeps rolling from my ears and my mouth has Elvis’s mean lip curl. I am not myself, someone or something had taken over my body.

It is incredibly hot and sticky and where we live, you only get this weather for a short period of time. Each year I ask Mr. Jones, could we add air conditioning to the bedrooms? His response is the same, it’s only like this two days of the year and then it starts getting colder. I laugh as I hear him saying it in my head. I have stopped asking. One year I will just show up with a small one and install it and then he will be saying how nice it is and why didn’t we do it sooner.

Maybe not two days, but this stretch has been going on for a bit and I could use a little rain during the day to cool the house off. I took the pup last night for her walk and she was exhausted in the first few minutes and oh so hot. I grabbed a soaked cold towel for her and placed that on her body, while she lay in he fan.

By the wee hours in the night, we both (pup and I)  got up and went outside, it was too much. It was so cool and refreshing out, the sky was black and we could see the dancing stars up above the trees. She wandered around, did her thing and then finally decided it was time to come back in and snuggle in. Thank goodness, my eyes were closing outside and I was beginning to think I was going to be camping out there with her.

My version of camping is plugging in my blow up bed and adding a mattress topper for my back, a nice cocktail and someone feeding me grapes.

The reality version of the only time we took the girls all camping was clean up, feed them, run here, I’m hungry, I’m scared, it’s raining, cook again and clean up. It was beautiful out (pouring rain) but we did not get the time to appreciate it with some meditation or book reading; when the kids are 3, 6 and 9 they are truly at different stages and the tenting was too much for them.

I shouldn’t say it was the only time as Mr. Jones camped in the yard with them after and we did camp at the provincial park, but normally I enjoyed my bed. We found that I functioned better if I could have a bed, if not my mobility would suffer and I would struggle.

Seeing people drive by with their campers and motor homes, I would like to purchase a home on wheels. I could sleep when I need to and we could spend the weekends with the pup in the mountains, it’s such a short drive for us, two hours to the back side and another two to be in the heart of Jasper. It’s on our bucket listing of things for our future that we plan on buying and enjoying for many years.

We are not big on toys, Mr. Jones collection of toys are his books, football memorabilia and he loves the old army toys and tanks. I am a Mickey & Minnie girl so love anything with them on it. We spend our weekends currently prepping the house for the fall and winter so we do not have too much to do at once and are getting giddy for fall as it is our favourite season. Pumpkin everything!!! Mr. Jones eyes roll when I mention pumpkin.

I am online checking out all the things I want to craft with my own hands and found some darling pillows that I could create based off my moods. How perfect! The simplicity is again what keeps running through my thoughts, keep it simple to make life simple and keep returning to all the things that you loved so much.

It feels as if, another door to a new dimension has opened up, as I go back to the creative side of things. I pushed it so far away and then found I could not function properly, my body and mind were in disarray.

My emotions were out of whack, as so much came out in those meticulous tasks; the tears, concentration and love. I am giddy thinking of the endless possibilities and the kids will probably be wondering why did we get more pillows for Christmas? Surprise!

I have been researching products and finding items that I can use, as my right hand can only function for a small period of time. I am one hell of a typer, but writing and cutting are a little more difficult and I do want to aim to have fairly straight lines, not looking like I got in to the new Jim Beam Apple whiskey this fall. Yum! Oh I’m sure I will be though as well. Who needs apple cider, go for the whiskey!

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I think one of the best creations of Pinterest was the ability for creative people to share and grow off each other. Everything we ever learn stems from a starting point and someone’s creation or mastermind. The endless choices of colours, fabrics and stickers, does make it difficult at times to choose but the creativity of those designing the fabric is inspirational.

Each of them putting their soul into that pattern, their heart. I think back to my grandmas, one creating custom curtains for clients and one creating for the crafting sales and wonder what they would have thought about having all these choices? Too many, or would they have loved the endless supply?

As the magic piano moving fairy did not take care of my piano, we need to remove the banister to get her into the living room this weekend. We have moved the dog kennel so the pup, (when she has her day off from work) can chat with her kitty sister and hang out in the big space; to enjoy the sights of the yard and are planning on moving my painting goodies up to the area. It is much nicer lighting, plus I could go out on the deck and be inspired by Mother Nature and create in her zone; the beauty of every season.

Today my creation is very simple, it is a fellowship golf tournament. I have not swung a club in quite some time but I’m focusing my goal today on enjoying the sunshine, my breathe and just being.  Simple things that I can do and hopefully move out of my slump. I know I will, as I will be wrapped in nature’s heart hugging embrace.

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As always, find your creative side, love it, use it, love, the Woman in Process

 

 

 

Create, Blessed, Begin

I want to throw up. I’m so excited, so giddy and my hands are clapping together, I am squeeling like a pig. I cannot believe it. Today was a score!

We were up early as always and attacked the chore list of duties on the house we wanted to get accomplished; with clean gutters, clean vehicles, a clean yard, we relax for a bit.

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Popsicle time, this was mine, I had to get another.

My agenda is out and I’m writing, decorating and enjoying the downtime. I use to spend so much time working on craft projects and scrapbooks with my girl.

One day, I sold all of it. I sold it after she left; to me life had changed so much, I didn’t need any of these items anymore. I didn’t have my buddy to create with, to spend the time with, to talk with. It felt like a piece of me was gone, and it hurt my heart so much.

This year on my journey, I realized how much I needed those crafts, they were part of me, part of my ability to shut the world off, to create, to lose myself in a task and to feel so happy from the completion. It helped to keep my heart warm, keep my heart in love with passion, I had a hobby.

I was recently talking with someone, he mentioned he has been on the road for so long working and is working on having a life. He is building his dream home for himself, he has all the toys, but he has no hobby, nothing that gets him excited. He is looking for one and is not sure what it might be, but is determined to try all kinds of things till he finds his love.

Coffee is in my future with my sis. We chat, we laugh, we are sarcastic and both of us are yapping. You can tell it has been a bit and we play catch up. We venture over to Michaels, as I mention I need a couple more items for my agenda.

I am inspired, to create. It may be something that is for my daily notes, but I can make it mine, beautiful, I can put heart into something, to someone else may seem so small. I am working on re-inspiring all the creative juices in my body.

I also decided to join some groups who share their ideas and love of the same. I am branching out. I am connecting to others, like minded, all over the world. I love to see their drawings, their creativity, their soul layed out on the pages. It makes my heart feel even more full.

Into the aisles we go and after finding some amazing deals I am satisfied and so excited to get home and start creating another day, another week. I decided that I would make sure I add old photos of everyone I love. It would remind me daily of my love for them and them for me; I am blessed.

We decide that we would head over to one more place after the shops in the same plaza. Into the doors I go, looking at items, laughing at stories and searching the clearance aisle. Today, was the day. I walked over to my usual favourite aisle to see what the chances are that they have brought in the pottery I have been dreaming of.

I just about lose it, two full shelves of cups, nothing else just cups. I call to my sister, can you get a cart? She laughs, she knows there is something I found that I need. This isn’t just cups to me, these are the words I am using so much in my daily reminders to myself when I struggle. When the world is dark and something so small can focus me.

I start loading them in to see what they all say and to determine which ones I was going to take. These cups are so imperfect like me. Each curve of the cup is different and reminds me of something we would have made by our own hands in grade two. They are unique, each one not the same as another.

I have been mesmerized by them and now I do not have to order each one in for a huge price, plus shipping and duties to Canada. It would probably be cheaper to fly there and bring them back myself. I still will one day, with another one of her designs.

As I load them in, giddy, laughing and trying to determine which ones I want, I cannot contain myself. I am so overjoyed and am emotional. I ask Mr. Jones, could I have my birthday present today and to get an item?  I do not tell him what it is.

He says yes, my birthday is Halloween, so it is a bit early. I ask him not to judge me. He says okay. Not sure what I am going to spring on him. They are loaded in the cart, seventeen imperfect cups, each with a message, each to use on days when I need those words. Just a reminder, just encouragement.

The girls wrapping them up, are asking what the cups are for and I let them know about the designer and how much I have been wanting these items. The one girl tells another wrapping to not break any or I will take her to the dark side. I laugh and agree. Now I am waiting for the plates to arrive on another day. I am so content.

The drive home I am being exceptionally careful not to take a corner too fast for fear of any breaking. I cry on the way home. I carefully grab all the bags and take them I and tell Mr. Jones he is the best husband ever. He is an excellent gift giver and I love my present to the moon and back.

I unwrap each one, and place them out. I take a photo and then take one cup and the photo to show him. I remind him not to judge me and show him. He looks confused a bit and I’m crying, as I say I have been wanting them, they mean something to me. He asks why are you crying, I say I am just so happy.

Apparently, my soul, body and mind are reconnecting to a new level again. I am finding me, the creative, loving me. She is really in there and today was a blessing that reminds me miracles come in different ways, sometimes it’s something that shocks you into living, sometimes it’s the hands of others lifting you up, sometimes it’s finding your own inner strength.

So tonight, thank you for listening, thank you being part of this roller coaster journey. This is my beginning and I am excited.

As always, much love, hugs, the creative, crazy, blessed, Woman in Process.

Check out her goodies. http://www.raedunn.com/

 

 

Malibu & Cream Soda

I’m cruising down memory lane today, rocking out with a classic rock station, just thinking about life after a great hard day of household chores. I have still been working on moving furniture, cleaning area rugs, but the piano I saved for tomorrow. Please magic fairy can you move it for me?

With a beer in hand, my head bobbing and every now and then I break out into song, Mr. Jones laughs while he watches football. I know you are thinking what football? It’s not on yet? Just saying CFL is on! Go Esks Go!

Nazareth is on and of course my Alvin voice is singing the lines, “Now your messin’ with a son of a bitch.” I’m sure my neighbors are loving my rendition.

As I am not too sure how loud I am, it starts bringing back memories to both of us (Mr. Jones and I) and my head starts down the rabbit hole as it so normally does. Falling, falling, deeper and deeper into the back of my mind.

It is junior high, the awkward hormonal, big hair and I mean, I had big hair, it is a purple eyeshadow kind of time. We were being wild and adventuresome on a school dance and decided we were going to sneak in cream soda, a root beer and an orange pop, all mixed with Malibu. Yup, wild and crazy were we.

Off we go to our lockers in between dances, as we let the hairspray loosen on the hair from the movement and flipping of the hair. I’m not sure why, but certain things trigger my head back to that day. It was the season of the jumpsuit. Oh my, I looked fricking fantastic, so I thought.

There were pages and pages to look at and I chose a new blue jumpsuit, written with Aztec looking writing all over it. I had to order that sucker in from Sears for $29.99, it was so expensive. I could hardly wiggle my shoulders into the padded shoulders as I already have the Russian build. When it came in they ask, does it fit? I need this so I will make it fit; it’s great I respond. (I didn’t have a whole lot of clothes then). Now remember you don’t want to pee, don’t drink too much, getting this thing on and off is a chore.

Well that didn’t happen, to the lockers we march gossiping, laughing and being loud. In no time my hair was reglued, lipstick reapplied (been wearing that a long time) and a swig or two has gone down the hatch. It was quite strong and a few shots made us think our dance moves were off the new much music videos we began to see after school.

We had a chaperone check on us often, but they couldn’t see anything at the time, that we thought and the beverages were gone quickly. As this was the time of the guys not really dancing a lot, except the seniors, us girls put ourselves in our group and rocked out.

Just saying, if you get the opportunity to learn how to dance, do it! Every girl loves to swept off her feet with dance. Mr. Jones always is laughing when he dances and does the wiggle pretending he is shaking the dice, saying that’s the only move he has.

If he is intoxicated enough he dances with me. I think that has been only a handful of times in public, in twenty years, he becomes too self conscious but at home he gets down on the KDP nights. (This is from a previous post).

Jimi Hendrix has me swaying around the house. My legs are like rubber and my butt shaking. I’m sure I still have the same dance moves as back then, maybe worse or better, however you look at it, as now you let your guard down and let people see the real you.

I adopted some of them from Robert Palmer’s, Addicted to Love. I also adopted that signature red lipstick for a good portion of my life and have just returned to it this past year.  I had hoped more for Janet Jackson’s dancing, but I wasn’t that coordinated.

I graduated a few years later at the same school with 86 people. I laugh as everyone at some point might have had a crush on someone that previously drove them crazy.  Not me, I had a crush on the same guy since grade two. Needless to say that was all it was, as I certainly was not considered a popular girl or was the mysterious grade a head of him girl.

I did run into him many years later and he spills that he liked me, but I was too intimidating. Hello! That hasn’t changed, but I did realize I had changed in other ways and had outgrown so many things and people.  I had packed my bags and ran as fast as I could and was determined to start over. Determined to make a name for myself. Determined to conquer, determined to become someone awesome.

I may not have millions, I may still be awkward and I may still have the same dance moves but I think I turned out pretty good. I had planned on going to my first high school reunion, then life happened and from what I was dealing with then I didn’t bother. Pretty feeble excuse of me, as it is only a couple hours away, but that was the choice I made.

I do wonder at times what happened to the jokesters of the class? What happened to the debator who taught me to put cheese whiz on my popcorn? Just saying it’s incredible. I also add butter first and a seasoning. Many of the girls I have seen or have friended on Facebook. I am curious about a few others, but they may never cross my path in life now or maybe they will, as someone did today.

This weekend, pull that yearbook, look at that rocking hair and attire and think; thank god I made it through to the other side. Not sure if anyone ever escapes junior high school or high school without, being scarred by something.

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To the girls that shared everyone’s secrets, a reminder, karma. She gets a person, when they are not looking.

For a good laugh, I found some awkward yearbook pictures. At one point my hair was at least six inches high on top. These pictures make me say, what the hell was I thinking?

Love always, the high hairsprayed hair, I don’t like Malibu now, Woman in Process

 

 

Old School

I am still pretty old school, I love the back to school season each year, for new pencils, organizational items and paper. I am an ultimate nerd, nanoo nanoo. Yes the hand sign is up.

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As I am running my hands over pens and notepads trying to decide which one I want, who’s kidding, I want them all! I decide I need to head to the post it note section. As I look around the lady asks me if she could assist. My answer: where do you have the cute post it notes? Aisle 2 is the response and off I go.

I round the aisle to the next and there at the end is the calendar for moms; a monthly, sticker, mark all the kids activities down, calendar. It makes me smile and makes me sad at the same time. My daughter has been moved going to school and it is going on three years already. I choke back a tear and hold the lump in my throat. I’m still adjusting.

Now she has her own calendars, stickers and organizes her own world, she is the ultimate organizer; not sure where she gets that from. Did I mention I also am a professional organizer by trade? The sight of a disaster to me is a challenge and one I cannot wait to beautify. I did some work on the side but there was not much work back then, I am starting to see a bit of change dependent on economy.

I love getting to pick up organizational tools, make labels, (I have the ultimate label maker) sort through items, it’s similar to a high for me and I become giddy to show the result. Mr. Jones has seen me organize the whole house and at the weirdest hours coming up with a plan on categorization. It is lovely. It helps when your memory goes kaput, as if you have been there enough times you body may just go there.

As we were out walking you can feel the crispness coming in the air; the leaves are already falling to begin the transition into the next season. It has always, made me think of buying new pencils, scribblers and erasers. I was always more excited to get that shopping done over the clothing and see what was popular. I loved my smelly markers and erasers and had a whole collection of them. Oh, and I had the smelly pencils too. This was before the sharpening ones, these were the lead in plastic holders. Yup, just aged myself.

Each day, I would line them up on my desk and choose which one I would help with my mistake. Sometimes I would make mistakes just so I could use them, this was challenging as I had to be perfect in my head. I always though, kept an untouched collection, these were just for smelling and not to share with the outside world. I didn’t want anyone to use up the smell.

A few years ago, (maybe a few more than that as I realize my daughter’s age) I was asked to clean the last of my items from the farm. In there were some kickass clips, book markers, and all the rest of my collection; into my daughters collection they went. As she too was showing sizes of the ultimate nerd, I’m waving at you right now, I indulged her and all my inner childhood within me.

The goodies she had were awesome, as time had progressed and many of those items she did not take with her, are now still with me and I am enjoying them, thinking oh I have to use that! Of course we can’t keep it all, there was so much, so we made sure we donated some, to put a smile on someone else’s face, besides life is about sharing.

Last night’s walk with the pup, had me remembering so many moments, running from the fence as the two Mr. Mugs came at it when we were out walking. (Those were grade one and two books for me). They were nice dogs, just protective of their yard, talking to parents we knew as we walked and grabbing buckets and picking the raspberries from the alley as they stretched the whole block. These were from our yards and snuck through to the other side, the dark side, and turned it into a game to get them picked without anyone seeing us.

Walking down the path we made sure to play with the leaves on the way. I think the funniest was our front yard had hardly any leaves one year and the girl had so many Halloween bags to fill. Our neighbor across the street lawn was covered, so off she goes, this tiny little girl as we are on the sidewalk and asks please can I have some of your leaves? He laughed and told her she could have them all. Tiny rake in hand and there she is filling all the ghosts and spiders for our front yard. It is one of my favourite photos.

With the new agenda to be organized, (I function better on paper than a computer for this part) I spent the evening glowing while putting in my info, stickers, transferring my budget over (now if I could just keep it correctly) and using my coloured pens to decorate as well.

Mr. Jones kept laughing at me as I kept grinning from ear to ear, he says these are the moments I remember how adorable you are when I am away. Awe, so sweet. Me a nerd and proud of it!

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So today, I challenge you, organize your documents, buy yourself a new pencil or two and embrace the nerdiness within you. I believe we all have nerd in us. I found this photo from http://www.distractify.com and fell in love. For my fellow nerds.

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As always love the nerdy, organizing, Woman in Process

P.S. Those awesome pencils are on etsy! I believe I need to order them, ship to Canada?

Sweaty Chances

Each day when we wake up, we take a chance. We take a chance when we get up and go out, drive to work, complete tasks that we may not be overconfident in and when we decide to try something new.

We take those little balls of chance and after completing it we build the task, the info, the experience into our memory banks for the future and add that chance to the shelf, as now completed.

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Tonight we took a chance. A friend recently was asking who might be interested in going to a class with her, something said go, so I signed up. (Not knowing if I could even do this type of class). My Bff was concerned on going, (she just had surgery not long ago) but she too, took a chance. I looked for some vintage aerobics workout wear to outfit myself in, but unfortunately I seem to have misplaced it. Hmmm note to self to start checking the downstairs closets.

Into the studio we go with our gym bags looking like, yup we belong here (more of the slow walk), to get all the directions on the moves. My eyes and brain glaze over, in the descriptions and into my own world I go. Both of us are nervous; this was a class called pound. (I kept calling it drumming). I was so excited to have drumsticks to rap away with and see if there is any pent up aggression, you know there is.

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This is what Mr.Jones thought I was up to as I kept calling it drumming.  This looks like a blast too! Where do I sign up?

Up to the front we go and are ready! We move to the beat, twist, kick, drum and are having so much fun; the sweat pouring off of us and in between songs we laugh. Up on the wall behind the stage they had their logo; what I see in the centre of the logo makes me shake my head; the word “be”. The word of the year for me. This is when, I know I am in the right place.

I have a theory that when you mess up in a class and cannot do what they are at that moment, go into freestyle mode and get into it. I am picturing the dance in, Can’t Buy Me Love. (One of my old favourite movies) and if you seen some of my freestyle moves you would understand.

At one point there was even a spot I am like; Bff look! Running man; you know a movie passed in my head at this moment. I was sad when the class ended as it was a blast and an ice cold, partly frozen wash cloth at the end to wipe our faces, was perfection. Forty five intense minutes and poof we were done.

We talked after, why did we stop coming to classes so long ago? After some reflection, we remember, I had gotten sick and was unable to go for months (strength, mobility had become a challenge); then winter hit, which is always a difficult challenge for me. It was far too long for us, we let the time slip away.

The excitement of trying something new is always a combination of absolute fear (that word again) and total exhilaration. I was so glad that we made the effort and found something else that we liked, something else that we don’t have to be experts on, just enjoy and work at our own pace.

We are already planning next weeks’s class and I’m sure we will look like pros. I am cracking up at that thought and picture all those posts; how you think you look and how you really look. My picture is probably a sweaty ape, with wristbands and a headband, rocking out with drumsticks wearing red lipstick. I will use that as an anchor going forward as it will make me laugh.

The intensity from the workout the next day had me slow going and I was ready to nap the day away, unfortunately work was still on my radar too. It took everything I could to make it through the day and then I rewarded myself with a much needed snooze. Mr. Jones was coming into the house, he sees no movement and thinks I should be quiet, he snuck in past the Snoozy Doo and me, we were toast.

I ask Mr. Jones, why he thinks it took so much out of me. He responds, it was something new, your body not accustomed to it and I am sure, the next class the recovery will be quicker.

I sure hope it is as well, the feeling I had today was a tad too much. Plus suffering from permanent vertigo, it becomes challenging to do these things and today I was ill from it all day but I don’t want to miss out on life.

I was having a conversation with a person I have known a long time and they were assisting me with a work question. We began to chat and her line of work professionally would understand about me, the situation.

She comments how nice it is that I get to bring my dog to work. I was brave today and just told her, about dealing with the PTSD. We chatted for a while on life, work and she had said a few more people from her work have been retiring and same thing, years of what they have dealt with is now creeping into their lives and they are dealing with all of it.

I know I am not alone, but it’s not like people where a badge saying you can talk to me about PTSD, we all feel alone until we magically find those same people or people who really understand. She had been enjoying the pictures of the pup and now has a whole understanding what she has done for me.

I will be continuing with all of the pups training and working hard on getting her certified; not just for me, but so I can use her in places to assist others, sharing her lovingness with someone who could benefit from it; whether it is illness or age.

I am grateful for Friday, can I get a hell ya! I have very small goal this weekend and most of it involves a laid back attitude for it, maybe a new recipe, continue working on my sign and napping with my dog. We just got up and she is in her favourite chair, snoring already.

As always, be brave, drumming, Woman in Process