I wonder at times where I should begin? At this moment in time with my cup of tea, steeping with fresh Earl Grey in the kitchen, or the past month of trials and tribulations and how I finally came to the word “Bliss”.
This month has been far from that word and I feel as if I have been climbing a large mountain to get to the top, but I know, I am so close to getting there, so close to flashing my light for others, for me, to feel a success.
Success being defined by becoming emotionally and physically in tune within my own mind, body and soul. It feels as though anger has clasped around my wrists holding me back with its vines from breaking free, from moving forward from finding peace.
Exhaustion has crept into my body, pushing the anxieties to an all time high and the mental state bringing such bad thoughts and nightmares into my world that I though I had a leash on. Yet again, they protrude out of the closet and walk into the darkness of my mind and pick; pick on each aspect, each ability, and begin to define me back into something I was so determined I would not be again.
I like to think that all the hard work was not wasted, though this month made me feel as though I flushed it all out. I chalk this up to not reaching inside, not spending the time I needed on those areas, but being pushed and prodded by obligations of life. So right now inside my mind I am screaming “STOP!” “ENOUGH!”
I am taking back my health, and will begin to focus once again on what is best for me. What limitations I have, what obstacles I see, and how to learn how to hurdle jump them all, to continue the destination I see for my future, my future of hope.
Yesterday as my body phyiscally came to his maximum of what it could endure. It chopped me down to my knees as I fell. It made me look at life from a different height, from a different perspective and to see what trauma I have been putting it through.
Normally I would have wanted to do this in the comfort of my own home, but obligations forced me to deal and learn to accept this challenge in public. As I had to return to work, and the body could not stabilize and hold me upright without falling, I had no choice but to sit down in a bright red wheelchair. Left to myself with sunglasses on, I had about five minutes to accommodate, adjust before the first guest came up with their needs.
Eyes red, soul feeling deflated like a balloon who had sat in the sun too long and shrivelled, I had to meet the obligations face to face. Maneuvering this unit which I had no practice in, running into walls, scraping my hands down the textured wallpaper to try and help me move myself, hitting boxes and my knees, I began to get a small grip on this new avenue of road.
I realized how unfriendly the world felt at this level. I could not reach for things, I could not just walk over to the desk to pick up the paperwork I needed and I could not get around to the side of my desk in my office. I also needed to give myself more time to get there.
It was challenging, but then it began, a feeling like freedom that I had not experienced. Normally on my cane, I struggle with the spasms the pain, and it seems so hard to get up, out of the chair and the movements forward cause my learned pregnancy breathing to come in as my abs work hard to keep me moving, holding the body so carefully; one wrong move can make me come crashing down to all fours.
As one person requests a need for an item and insists it’s too far to walk, they back peddle as they realize the comment they just made. Inside I was not angry, I had some peace. I could continue living, do what I need to do or like to, but not use all my energy up just to get upright. It gave my body a healing break. By day two I was becoming an expert with my four wheeled unit, and I felt more hope and enlightenment take hold. The catch was the sorrow I also still felt was because I did not let myself take the time to grief and accept an area that I have spent seventeen years avoiding. Fear!
Scared that again this will define me, this will make me feel as though I am weak, yet it did the opposite and gave me power. It gave me optimism of a future that won’t be so bleak. I have been blessed over the years and when things were so bad, something would take over and up I would come again. I feel as though I am a continuous tidal wave dependent on the pull of the moon, the stars and the amazing cosmic that I love to spend so much time staring at.
I keep stumbling on the aspect of my knees. The thoughts of why this is taking place, why now, what has changed and then I remember a line. I didn’t study much religion, I did attend a bible camp once, but I loved scriptures, hymns and catch myself singing a few songs when I feel I needed a hand.
I felt the empowerment of that small line make sense, make me realize, just maybe each of these times I am knocked down is just another lesson or empowerment to get me back up, to make me succeed in life, to continue to hope, but also it actually gives me more power each time it does knock me to my knees. I just didn’t realize how much.
With that in mind, a new perspective, and my fresh Earl Grey tea chilling beside me, I feel as though my body has cleansed itself of some of it’s restrictions. Maybe tomorrow my day will begin again with a smile and end with the bliss I feel now today.
As always, love the kneeling, Woman in Process