Tag Archives: #cruciateligamenttear #ptsd #surgery

Where Did I Go?

Hi! It has been forever hasn’t it? It’s like in some ways I fell off the planet. I did in one aspect, life got away from me and as I was completing checks and balances I realized how much I missed this outlet.  I missed just being able to be me, able to open up in ways I can’t in the outside world. Be able to share some of my inner most depths and feel safe from judgement.

If you get to know me, you will find I share what I know people can handle, not the reality. I share from an optimistic side and keep the black to myself, but like everything it does ooze out at times and it seems to be oozing for a while. I just had my visual on this look and I can’t help but laugh and wish I could describe to you.

My stress has increased, trying to please everyone has been more challenging and the feeling again in some ways part of me is lonely and in other ways I have these great cheer leaders on the end of the football field and I just have to reach them before I am splattered as I run. I am Miss PAC-Man  at this time, dodging, turning and trying to not get caught, trying to get to the end zone.

Too late, it caught me, over and over again.  As the rain is coming down in heavy determined drops, I am using it as my cleansing; wash it away, spray the oozing gunk off and keep going.

Not even a month ago my fur baby savior had to go in for surgery. She had a cruciate ligament tear, in our language she blew her acl, just like a football player, she must have been dodging the stress and gunk with me on the field. I was devastated, in denial, into panic mode, and just felt overly helpless as she was hurt and I couldn’t fix her. My fears inside were blowing up and around me and I was dealing with the gunk of people not understanding why it bothered me so.

I researched, I cringed looking at the pictures of how the surgery looked, I read every aspect of healing and then I felt somewhat okay and it was time for our pre-op appointment. As we were sitting there, her and I, she kept looking up and putting her paw on me. She kept trying to reassure me of my fear and me to her as I pet her, loved her and listened. The Doctor was talking and watching and then he asks. I can see you two have a very different bond, and it is very special, why is it?

My emotions try to flood me like this down pour and I calmly tell him she helps me with the PTSD. He says he knew it must have been something big as he could see the relationship we had. He says I cannot promise people anything, but to do my best, but for you he says I am going to promise you I will fix her, I will keep her safe and I will have her back to you and she will be running beside you in no time. I loved that he did that.   He spent an hour and a half with me answering questions, going through the whole process and then we were booked.

I cried walking out of the office, because now it truly was out of my control. My nerves were heightened, people were saying she is young she will be fine, I just kept praying. We took her in for her surgery and I cried on the way out, after so she wouldn’t see me. I cried at work, I lost myself in tasks and watched the clock. Mr Jones turned into the expectant mother and was waiting for the call that everything went well. It came and I cried in relief!

The first hurdle was done and now we were onto healing. I set up camp on the floor by her kennel, as she needs 16 weeks of healing time and the procedure cuts their bone so in reality she has a broken leg. I read and talk to her, we watch Friends and my world changed completely. I began to appreciate again small details that seemed to have gotten lost on the shuffle. Sitting there and not having a plan, seemed pretty great and I felt more free.

Every moment was in a slower mode, there isn’t any rush. I am enjoying this part. We had some bumps and bruises, the antibiotics made her sick, she decided she wasn’t  taking them. They monitored her and she was good, she wouldn’t take the pain meds after the first couple days, she didn’t need them. She had  some fluid on her leg which is normal , but it seems to be going down now that the staples are out and she is up to ten minute walks. The laser twice a week seems to really help the healing process.

I cannot believe how amazing she is doing, but boredom is kicking in at times. The house is covered in carpets so she doesn’t slip, she cannot go to the bedroom or living room without assistance as there is stairs, welive on the floor looking out to the garden. My back aches, I have slept one full night in two weeks and I really am needing more physical activity, I would do this all again for her.

We are coming up on three weeks this Thursday and we need to get to her eight week X-rays to make sure the bone has healed. The bunnies on the lawn taunt her but, overall she is staying pretty calm and enjoying our togetherness. She has now commandeered my floor mattress and sleeps there with me on three quarters of the bed. We listen to the owl in the distance asking us endlessly who and enjoying the sounds of the birds when we wake up.

The days are starting to get shorter and the feel of fall on the wind is there.  I have a new job that no one knows about yet as I can’t tell anyone for a bit longer and we just received an awesome tandem bike in to help those with mobility issues. So even though days are gucky, I think my overall world is way brighter than before. I have more tools in my basket to use to get me through and I feel like those that are beside me hold my hand and help me be braver than I am.

The dog is snoring up a storm on the mattress and my tummy is a grumbling, but thinking it’s a nice time for another nap.

Love always from the oozing, gucky, sleep deprived loving dog mama, Woman in Process