I found the start of this blog and the feelings I had and thought it was perfect for today.
We all know the story of the ugly duckling waddling along, just being themselves and the trials and tribulations they experienced. How about the awkward duckling, he could be similar?
Lately, I have been asked again each time people see me how are you feeling? I look down while on my cane briefly, but I am trying to come up with the most amazing answer because I am more than the scars I have, I am me.
The last two weeks after the talk I gave I was asked what was it about? Unfortunately I cannot really describe it To you. I am asked a few more questions and finally look up and answer PTSD, yup there is that look.
The look of holy crap, face freeze and now what the hell do I say to her? I hear a lot of ummmm. I make people awkward, but they make me awkward too.
Standing in line at lunch, someone asks how I am feeling? Fine. You were dealing with some health problems are they all looked after? I’m managing and adapting. Doing anything for holidays? No, not really. You? The standard small talk awkward conversation.
This is my world. It may look small, but trust me it is vast and there is so much more. Ask me instead of how I am feeling, how did it feel like to complete the talk, was it what you expected, what inspires me now? Please ask me anything but how I am feeling?
The answer I will give you is for your benefit. It is an awkward, simple response to make you think I am ok, right now I am not.
As I awoke at what I thought was 3am, I was so disappointed to find out a couple minutes later that it was 6am, as the alarm starts it’s incredible shrieking. Where is my hammer?
I attempt to move my body and just as I suspected, last week had caught up with me and the tears of pain begin. I remind myself, as I spend the morning crying, I got this, I can do it, and fall apart, but keep getting ready.
My mascara is on and I finish what I have to, I kind of look like I grabbed the first items I saw in my closet and haphazardly threw them on. I really didn’t, I am limited to the items today’s I need comfort; baggy top, I am swollen, shorter pants, so I don’t trip and I have to wear my shoes with their insoles, my right leg is dragging, they are not attractive by any means, and do not have bows, nor are they pink. They are depressing.
After spending last week in heels, running like a mad scientist, my body is done. I had a limited time card, just like on my games and had used up all the energy, I passed go but also did not get to collect $200. I need to find the recovery process, and soak it all up for the time being, I wonder where Mario put that mushroom.
I understand the looks I get from those, who look at my face and eyes, (not to mention my hunch over) yes, I do look that dreadful, I have been zomified and it is only Monday. After venturing home and laying on the floor to cry from the pain, I made it through one more day. I look across and there is my pup laying beside me, licking at me, trying to make me feel better. Awe I appreciate that, she loves me just the way I am, broken and all; either that or she smells the treats I had.
Let us be honest, it turned out to be a two donut day and I am not sorry, I think I wore it off last week and feel some days I just need to give in to the temptation, the sadness. It was a mentally, mind boggling, manic Monday and tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow may only be a one donut kind of day or a tasty Tuesday kind of day.
My optimism is in there, but for tonight I think I may find my inner Tarzan and play a game I can yell at, this way no one thinks otherwise, but reality is I have my finger in the air waving it at my MS and telling it where to go, you can’t keep me down, nothing can.
Please note most breakdowns, often happen when no one is around, it can cause extreme hunger, or emotional eating, ingestion of sugar or caffeine, not limited to over eating and sarcasm and foul language, nudity can happen but usually if I can’t get my pants on, or fall over. At this point in my world, I have to laugh at myself.
Love always the donut eating, finger waving, Woman in Process
Spooktacular Witch is testing out this Instagram goodies. You can find her under that name.