Tag Archives: MS

Awkward Bird

I found the start of this blog and the feelings I had and thought it was perfect for today.

We all know the story of the ugly duckling waddling along, just being themselves and the trials and tribulations they experienced. How about the awkward duckling, he could be similar?

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Lately, I have been asked again each time people see me how are you feeling? I look down while on my cane briefly, but I am trying to come up with the most amazing answer because I am more than the scars I have, I am me.

The last two weeks after the talk I gave I was asked what was it about? Unfortunately I cannot really describe it To you. I am asked a few more questions and finally look up and answer PTSD, yup there is that look.

The look of holy crap, face freeze and now what the hell do I say to her? I hear a lot of ummmm. I make people awkward, but they make me awkward too.

Standing in line at lunch, someone asks how I am feeling? Fine. You were dealing with some health problems are they all looked after? I’m managing and adapting. Doing anything for holidays? No, not really. You? The standard small talk awkward conversation.

This is my world. It may look small,  but trust me it is vast and there is so much more. Ask me instead of how I am feeling, how did it feel like to complete the talk, was it what you expected, what inspires me now? Please ask me anything but how I am feeling?

The answer I will give you is for your benefit. It is an awkward, simple response to make you think I am ok, right now I am not.

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As I awoke at what I thought was 3am,  I was so disappointed to find out a couple minutes later that it was 6am, as the alarm starts it’s incredible shrieking. Where is my hammer?

I attempt to move my body and just as I suspected, last week had caught up with me and the tears of pain begin. I remind myself, as I spend the morning crying, I got this, I can do it, and fall apart, but keep getting ready.

My mascara is on and I finish what I have to, I kind of look like I grabbed the first items I saw in my closet and haphazardly threw them on. I really didn’t, I am limited to the items today’s I need comfort; baggy top, I am swollen, shorter pants, so I don’t trip and I have to wear my shoes with their insoles, my right leg is dragging, they are not attractive by any means, and do not have bows, nor are they pink. They are depressing.

After spending last week in heels, running like a mad scientist, my body is done. I had a limited time card, just like on my games and had used up all the energy, I passed go but also did not get to collect $200. I need to find the recovery process, and soak it all up for the time being, I wonder where Mario put that mushroom.

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I understand the looks I get from those, who look at my face and eyes, (not to mention my hunch over) yes, I do look that dreadful, I have been zomified and it is only Monday. After venturing home and laying on the floor to cry from the pain, I made it through one more day. I look across and there is my pup laying beside me, licking at me, trying to make me feel better. Awe I appreciate that, she loves me just the way I am, broken and all; either that or she smells the treats I had.

Let us be honest, it turned out to be a two donut day and I am not sorry, I think I wore it off last week and feel some days I just need to give in to the temptation, the sadness. It was a mentally, mind boggling, manic Monday and tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow may only be a one donut kind of day or a tasty Tuesday kind of day.

My optimism is in there, but for tonight I think I may find my inner Tarzan and play a game I can yell at, this way no one thinks otherwise, but reality is I have my finger in the air waving it at my MS and telling it where to go, you can’t keep me down, nothing can.

Please note most breakdowns, often happen when no one is around, it can cause extreme hunger, or emotional eating, ingestion of sugar or caffeine, not limited to over eating and sarcasm and foul language, nudity can happen but usually if I can’t get my pants on, or fall over. At this point in my world, I have to laugh at myself.

Love always the donut eating, finger waving, Woman in Process

Spooktacular Witch is testing out this Instagram goodies. You can find her under that name.

 

 

 

Scream & Shout

I know you are starting to sing it in your head. “I want to scream and shout and let it all out.”

I sing this often especially when it feels as though things are tough, but today there was a new method to my madness. I dusted off my games and set it up on the Xbox to play Grabbed by the Ghoulies. Yup an oldie! We had bought it for the girl to play on the original one and I have not played it, until today.

It is the day, with my controller in hand, I beat the pulp out of the skeletons and roared, over over with many profanities. It brings out my aggression but I can kick some ass and mediatate after, to take me down from my serial killer tendencies. Yes I really said that, you know we all posess some traits.

I beat on the skeletons, I yelled, I swore, my hands ache from squeezing the controller so hard and I feel so much better. I am big on letting your inner anger out. When my daughter was younger and had a build up, she used her damn it doll and then felt better. Nothing has changed, when I would beat up on the dummy at boxing, I felt relieved. Aggressive sports, bring out my cave woman style and I will clobber something with my club.

I am picturing myself in my fur, barefoot and grunting, it’s not a pretty sight, but one fairly funny visual. We all have an underlying temperament that once in a while we need to let it loose, on something that is fun, or does not cause harm.

I would like to go try the paint guns and see how much fun that is. Just saying I will ensure, I am dressed like Rambo for that day.

Mr. Jones was laughing at my slur of obscenities and how I mushed them together. He comments, apparently you need to do this more often. I feel spent, as I cancel the game, I have had enough; the Ghoulie laughs at me and the dog’s head pops up looking around. This game made my afternoon.

Life is about enjoying so many things, and some days we go through the constant motions without taking it in. I have lost some years of my life to this, due to the MS and the PTSD. It soaked everything out of me, like wringing out a cloth and now I feel, as though there is some life there, I don’t feel as limp.

Let us hope it is not alien life, as that’s a whole other blog, but a new life, one I am trying to be conscious of every day. I have always wondered when people said they were reborn after rehab or some major life altering situation, what did they truly mean? I think I get it.

As I armed the kitchen with sliced vegetables, cheeses and meats not to mention all the sauces; I am cutting and working myself into my old routine. The one where all the kids and friends were coming for dinner. It is one of our hottest days of the year, but after a good meal; homemade pizza, use Guinness for the dough as it makes it amazing; and some laughter out on the deck, my physical and mental state is spent and I sack out for a full night sleep, something that does not happen often. I feel content and wake up smiling for another day to begin.

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While soaking it all in this morning, I know how blessed I was yesterday, I just don’t think they know how much it meant to me; so for this year, another goal is to make more time for family time, even with the distance between everyone. Life is changing, but I think it’s finally changing for the good now, or maybe it was to make sure I saw all the wonderful things around me? That I will never be sure on the reason, but know it’s one stepping stone to greatness.

 

Love always, the pizza making, where’s my chef hat, marshmallow throwing, Woman in Process

P.S the marshmallow story is quite funny, the looks on everyone’s face was the real priceless moment.

My recipe for the dough, says one cup Guinness, but when it’s hot, it’s more like one and a half to two cups. Apparently it was thirsty too!

 

 

About Moi

As my writing lately seems so heavy and so releasing at the same time I thought I would spend today on something really different, quirky and geeky.

I named Mr.Jones his name from Amy Winehouses’s Me & Mr. Jones song, as I loved it so. Plus with my maiden name and married name both, people cannot say them correctly and if you saw them you would laugh trying to pronounce them, so it seemed like a good idea to keep it simple as well. Reality, both names look like part of amalgamated swears and regular words, if you change one letter. Those that know me are writing it out.

While going through my bootcamp therapy, Amy’s voice filled my house steady while I would lose myself in my thoughts, my paintings. She was a very talented creative soul.

Bif Naked’s song I love myself today has become my theme song especially when things are rough, I crank it up and sing it at the top of my lungs. I used her song, before I gave my talk in May on life, wow that was just about three months ago, time is flying by.

When asked where I was (lots do not know) or what my talk was on, I just say PTSD now, it’s something we need to know more about, as so many are dealing with it. My learning curve has been living it, I know there is a reason, I tell myself that. Crappy days still make in hard, please pass the potato chips. I’m also an emotional eater.

My go to for sweets is my chocolate chip cookies, cooked my way, and I admit I cannot control myself to one, once they are on the pan cooling, they call my name endlessly. I give in, there is no willpower there but, I love all baking. I think I am a better baker than cook, but Mr. Jones can tell you for sure.

The endless references and lines I use are from years of sci fi shows we watched. It was our family time and ask me do I know all the words to Buffy’s, Once More With Feeling. You know the answer, the cd is in the house and for a light night Mr. Jones puts the episode on for us and my favourite line is they got the mustard out! I always giggle.

20th Century Fox opening I have to do the wa wa wa wa, the same as Ralph Wiggum, every time.

Matt Damon, I have to say his name the same as Team America if I hear it. I cannot let it go and doesn’t matter where I am.

Mr. Jones hooked me into My Dad Wrote a Porno, I blew beverage out, when I heard some of the lines.

My daughter is my hero, and I see how much she inspires me to be like her and to keep going. Love ya kiddo! She is coming home today for a couple days!

The Pup is over sixty pounds and has been a great companion, to work through all the stuff, she was brought into my life to help work on the PTSD, I cannot imagine my world without her drooling, is that peanut butter you have mama, sad eye staring looks. She is still a pup just very large and I have seen the shredding of Monkey, Rooster, Lampchop and Charlie Brown to name a few. She also has ticklish toes, I take advantage of that. If she stands up beside me she is just about to my shoulders but if she stretches I think she is taller. Can you reach the cupboard for mama? I can’t reach it. I have to use step stools everywhere, including my closet.

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Someone is tired from their shredding.

Our family loves football, we travelled endlessly to see our favourite team play five hours away. We have a ton of clothing, and the girl still paints her face up when we go. Those days of travelling and talking, are some of my favourites. Buying season tickets was so awesome! Season tickets for CFL, is a lot cheaper than the NFL.

Last year we took Mr. Jones on a bucket list trip. He wanted to see the submarine in Chicago, and he is not a city person, so he did well. Watching him run his hands over a part of it, he was a big kid. The girl, called before we left for Chicago and found tickets to the Green Bay preseason game, we bought them! With no hotel yet in Wisconsin and no rental car, we said we would figure it out. We got the rental and to my family’s surprise I asked for the convertible, it was a Bumblebee convertible! They were like what? Mum got what? When Mr. Jones found out we were going to see Green Bay, he went into shock. The girl and I have sprung over the years some shockers to him, but he would not book or buy things for himself, he thinks of the family and says he doesn’t need anything. We took him as well to the Notre Dame tour, he was ecstatic.

I love mystery shows, but my favourite is Murder She wrote, the Clue movie and I love the Clue board game. I will whip your ass on it. Ugg sorry, I am also highly competitive. When asked by Mr. Jones what I want to watch, my answer is, something with action.

I was captain of our basketball team, in school and played centre at just about 5″6, I could jump well. I injured my back in grade ten, and that’s when I started to not care about life for a while. My dreams of what My future looked like had changed, so I worked from there on recreating it and decided I was going to be a teacher. I did go to school for it, have two years left, but life took me another route, in some ways I teach a different way, every day.

I learned yoga before it was trendy from a woman who had a studio in her house, not far from where I live now. She had trained in India and her husband was an artist.

I normally have an amazing memory and can see myself doing the item previously and can give step by step instructions from it. The items I can retain has been really crazy, so I’m working on dumping some of that non pertinent information. It’s working. Except my third birthday card poem from my Grandma and Grandpa, still hanging onto that in my head.

I was told I would have no children at age sixteen, my daughter is my miracle baby, and pretty sure she was immaculate conception at age 21. Surprise! Best surprise ever! Mr. Jones met us when she was three months old, and that is how we became the three Musketeers most days, and a family of five or six, the Brady Bunch, depending if all the kids came over on days off. One daughter lives in our hometown and two in the city. Mr. Jones stepson is in another city.

My favourite destination is Disneyland, because I love Mickey so. I don’t care for the big rides, I am much more of the Peter Pan, Snow White rides, more my style. I squeel riding the flying Dumbo ride, the little kids are braver than me. I will always wear ears, and hello! How come there is no adult princess dress up place? I would be all over that.

I start watching fall movies like Halloween Town and Charlie Brown in summer, as soon as Halloween is finished, my birthday, I move on to Christmas movies. When I am sad I pull out some of my favorites and watch, and the two most watched movies, You’ve Got Mail, and Christmas with the Kranks.

My morning always starts with flavoured coffee, not cream, (today Baileys)  and I can be a morning person, as I use to be at work at 4:30am in the early days. My body prefers a 5 am or 6 am wake up nothing in between or I am groggy.

As it is Sunday, and I see more stuffing around the house, I will be in clean up mode, plus I am still organizing the books from moving the shelves.

Have a wonderful day of relaxation, adventures, and life in general.

Love always, the stuffing picker, squeeling, ear wearing, big kid, Woman in Process

P.S. The photos are being printed for the scrapbook I am working on, over 300 of the pup.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tears in Heaven

I jumped into the car to drive to my destination, backed up and hear the song starting to play on the radio, instant tears fill my eyes and I begin to laugh. It’s another sign and I spend the few minutes listening to the words and trying to choke the words out, in the middle of the parking lot.

The angels have been hard at work trying to grab my attention endlessly, from the numbers, the music, the words I hear, the energy I seem to have, I am listening. I’m all ears.

I still hear the laughter of our loved ones and it makes me smile, they haven’t left, they are always by my side, I am truly grateful for that. At times I feel I may crumble and fall, but feel the hands of someone holding me up, encouraging me to get back up, willing me to keep going.

It’s the feeling that you need to keep persevering, keep paddling the canoe, even when the water feels it’s so high and the boat is starting to fill. I see lately the endless times, I am working on problem solving, stopping my thoughts and working through each item. Talking to myself in my head or outloud and their voices a whisper on my right side of my head.

Some days it feels like the road begins to grow,expanding, I question will I make it to the end, to the prize, what lies at the end of that road? I recently have been realizing how when I get to that spot, I’m sure there is nothing there, just vastness, it is all about the stops and scenic moments along the way, nothing more.

The flat tires, the hiccups, the muddy waters and how we keep making it through them. How do we find strength and stamina and arm ourselves into the ultimate Spartan Race? Just saying having to live someone’s life in a specific period of time with all the stuff, sounds like a pretty hard race and this one I have been living, I think is enough.

I feel so compelled to ensure I can find and keep life, kind of blah. I know you are thinking what the hell? Not blah as in boring, which I thought I was recently when talking to someone, but blah as in no major dramatic scene stealers, just letting things take its natural course. Making sure I revert to the old days of listening to my gut feelings, the theory if it’s meant to be it will be and if I truly want it enough and it is good for me, it will happen, when the timing is correct.

This week has been challenging with the eyesight, and I am lucky it was a small hiccup, but one I was getting frightened by. (This is why I look for beauty and try to remind myself of those items, I don’t want to forget or realize I missed seeing something).

After evenings of insomnia and me looking as if I was cast in the Walking Dead; look mum I’m the zombie to the right who got the nail wood in the head, I finally was able to sleep one night of the week and upon waking, I swear the fricking birds were singing, Snow White was cleaning (I wish) and the Viagra song was repeating itself in my head. Now I have you thinking which song?

I hope my angels in heaven would be proud of how I have been living life, and continuing to drag my sorry butt up each time I am knocked down. As I feel I am becoming more of me, I have a new smile, a different feel, it is getting lighter. I have moments and days, but I think those may lessen over time, or be instigated by the triggers.

I have become stronger in looking at my fears, vocalizing it more, I pray that those things I have seen keep decreasing in my role. I don’t wish them on anyone and certainly do not want my team to see any of them. It hurts me for the ones that did, in one of our emergencies, as it did its tole on them as well, three wonderful ladies come to mind.

I am not sure how to word this but here goes, to the family who lost their loved one by natural causes, I am sorry, I am also sorry that I could not have saved him, that I was too late in finding him. It weighs on me everyday of my life.

You were the breaking point of my years upon years of tragedies and incidents I have seen that were tucked into my cookie jar in my head, you were the one that broke it open. I am determined not to close it all in again, for my sanity, I don’t want to have to live under a rock for the rest of my life.

Just so you know, I took care in all of your belongings, I hugged your mum and dad, I made sure I was so delicate and compassionate with them, I am so sorry that was how we met.

Now, as my tears are rolling down my cheeks, I will remind you to make sure your hellos and goodbyes to your loved ones, you are in the present moment, not thinking about something else or rushing out the door. Make time stand still on those moments, make them count.

The snorty, snory Doo (nickname from Scooby) is sacked out and living life her way, I am analyzing mine like usual and am continuing to work on finding my footing on the slippery rocks of life. I hope I am on the right path, hand in hand with them all to get me there. I can smell their perfume and see their hair as they walk, a giggle comes from them all, I think I am in good hands.

Have a blessed weekend, hugs to you all.

Love the heart heavy Woman in Process