It’s late as I sit in my bed listening to the sounds of the pup falling into a deep somber sleep and begin to put together the day.
After wrapping myself up (floating rib),I ventured out with the pup for a walk and to feel the change of the season on my skin. The cool feelings it creates, the shiver it brings down my spine and an appreciation of the beauty of the season.
We walk through the neighbourhood, watch three deer, that was a highlight for the pup as I tell her those are beautiful creatures and we need to appreciate their beauty and not harm her and her babies. We watched them, she was calm and content, then walk a few feet more and sit down again.
I didn’t want her to get too close and we just happen to be on the same block. Eventually we were at a corner and they went one way and us another. The sun was starting to set, and we opted for the final leg back on the trails. I have been suffering from more anxiety attacks and anger lately. It feels as though there is a volcano erupting inside me. I’m going to blame it on hormones, but feel that is only one aspect of it.
As we walk, I start to shake more and the trail is not that busy, I hear voices a few times in the area and immediately my heart takes off and I feel as though I want to run for my life. I thought things were getting better?
I realize it means I have underlying items to look at and believe I know what it is. I have opened up so much, and there is this fear of where I am. Not necessarily of anything bad more like I’m doing great and then when I hear something or things go sideways a bit I begin to feel down, worthless and my inner critic pokes at me till I cry.
I have been dealing with some hurt right now inside, and I can tell I am off as the pup follows suit. I was beginning to think she wasn’t feeling well then realized she is feeding off me. She is feeling what I feel. She is being the defiant, fighty, bitey, emotional instigator, to the rage of my volcano of what I am holding back. Holding back because I’m afraid of the eruption and afraid of the outcome.
I use to say not to hurt my feeler to people when I was growing up, that I had one, it was a running joke. The catch is I have so many and people forget at times that we are all just human. We make mistakes, we work hard, we try to enjoy life and somewhere something sticks with us as if we were in grade school and the kids were yelling you had cooties.
The devastation we felt from the taunting, the fear of not fitting in and the fear of no one ever being our friend made us wear the frowns on our face behind the smothered smiles that the shit was all good.
My reflection and tears were soul searching and we decided to clear our heads a bit as we have been practicing running. Practicing you say? Little miss is still in a phase where she thinks if you run, she is suppose to take you down.
So I run, I stop quickly so she is always reading my body, then we go again. She eventually tires from it and puts her teeth on my wrist, the sign that she has had enough. A few more times and we are back to the hill to the house, my sanctuary, my security and the one place where I can be myself completely.
The next few days I am off, sad and happy from one extreme to the next. I really do feel like a roller coaster and put my attention to tasks at work and home. I tear up a few times, my self critic was held down under water in the pool,(just in my head) and I am beginning to come out of this rich dense fog I have been living in.
About six months ago I had signed up for another run and it was last night. I had not really been training for it, but I was nervous and excited at the same time. Fear of course is always there and I venture out with my cane wrapped up in hand, as it was a trail run, I was hesitant on taking it but I have to remember my limitations at times.
There were so many people and I kept myself away from the constant chatter, put my headphones in and focused. I got this, I tell myself. When the countdown is on, I turn to my friend and said see you in a bit and begin to find my pace. A little tougher when so many have the same pace as I. I ran, I sang and I hit the downhill trail.
The ruts from the forest were intense but I found them intriguing by the life they had. The lack of light in the area, they kept changing, adapting and still growing in their own way. I was feeling more at peace and would run, then walk as my right leg begun its drag, I knew I would have to continue more of a walk, as the terrain was challenging, steep at times but fun.
I found myself alone and pulled my earphones out so I could listen to the sounds of the trees and what they had to say. As I did this I found my head beginning a conversation with the big guy upstairs. I laughed later when thinking back as I had been praying for strength to keep me going, determination and to help release the anger that I feel inside. I also had asked for the ability to keep the ms at bay so I could make it in, and I didn’t want to quit. Plus I had no clue where I was in the forest or how to get back, please keep me safe.
I stumble down a hill and see a lady limping, she had rolled her ankle and heard a crack. I offer her my cane and the confused look summed it up and I explained, I had to take it just in case my ms decided something else. She didn’t want to leave me without it, but I insisted or the poor girl would have more challenge getting up some areas. We chatted a bit more and we bid our good lucks and to see each other at the finish line. Back into my zone I go.
My watch is telling me I am at 5km, and the end is near. Around the curve back to the pavement, I asked one more time for strength to bring it in. I was embraced with a gust of energy and ran my way into the end. I had completed it! I did it!
I walked away and was overcome with the feelings inside, the physical tiredness and now my body was shutting down. I found a great spot with with my meal under the tree and sat, content with myself.
It was time to head home and after getting my cane back, I walked to the car with my friend and laughed at it all. We did take the before and after shots as well, just to prove we were there. The catch is the feelings I have is enough for me.
I sneak into the house, as Mr. Jones and the pup are in the back yard and leave my muddy shoes on my feet as I collapse in the chair. I sit there crying, I am more blessed and grateful again for the struggle, the challenge and the feeling of accomplishment. Each time it gives me a better sense of self.
Mr. Jones realizes I am home and comes to help get my shoes off, my gear and gives me a kiss on my sweaty forehead. All night I was in awe and would say I did it, he says you sure did and smiles.
This was another adventure, and the beginning of a new phase, like fall I seem to be changing at a great rate, I just didn’t realize how much, even when things were set back, I was still growing. I have learned a lot about myself this past year and am curious what the next year brings.
I hope your adventures this weekend give you a great sense of self respect, love and kindness to others.
Love always, the blistered, smiling, Quasimodo, Woman in Process